Thursday, June 17, 2021

Bandidas Review

 Note: I spell el mexicanno seen your


This is my reviiew on Bandidas from 2006 (The year Season 3 of Transformers happened in Amerca)

its  got selma hayak, pwenelopy criz, Steve Zahn, Ismael 'East' Carlo from Commando I mean Eraser, and some mexicans i never heard of

its direcxted by Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg who did pirates of the carribean 5 and was written by openly frenxch guy luc besson who wrote taken and the transporter movies

i never saw this b4 but some say its good

so it starts with credits as a guy examones a crime scnee and determines it was her accidentally killing heself

but its a fake thing or show or somethig and this guy whos kind of a nerd, is gonna get married to his gf

also the banks are gonna buy this land in soviet mexico and cruz is playing tic tac toe with a horse

her dad is losing his land to the banks as i guess he got a sub prime morgage and didnt expect to pay it and cruz rides off on a horse tro help

elsewhere selma i think is back home with her dad after a 10 year outing and her dads rich

cruz comes to this guy to fight the bank of soviet new york but hes busy so she breaks a guys parts

selmas dad is making a deral with soviet new york bank to help their mexico bank and bank guy wants her

then cruz uses her horses a55 to get on the roof like a ninja(la blue girl?!) and sneak around

she walks past selma and they clash and she sez she wants to see selmas dad

guards come and she runs and sees bank dad with the new york scum and calls him a traitor to her people

if an american saw a banker with a mexico and called him a trtaitor for it, wouldn';t that be racist?

but here its ok somehow

later a mexzico is forclosed by the new yorker as he can't pay the interest as its more than he earns and he caps the mexico and torched his farm

like in rob roy with the english and sheep f--kers

later cruz is relased from jail and selma is at a place and the bank guys come by and cap this guy outside

she escapes b4 they find her and cruz comers by her ranch and finds her dad in h e double korea

selma runs home and fiunds her dead si also in h e double new zealanda nd bank guy saysd it weas a heart thjing

bank guy poulls a gun on her and she pulls a knife on him and hold em to each others heads and she driops the knife

he tteris to kiss her but she sez its too much and he lets her go

2 goons follow her but she runs and swings across on a chain and has a really improbably escape with her horse helping her

later cruz brings her dads body back andfinds the place was shot up by banker men

later selma sees the bank guy walking by  in a crowd and later has the hick ups and tries to load a gun cr-ppiuly

dshe puts on a face covering and breaks into a bank to rob it but cruz is there doing it too

they bicker and the bank guys point out that the bad banker goons are copmming and they book it

the bank goons come for the vault and find its empty except for a flower and sdelma and cruz jacked the bank

selma was jacking it to avenge her fam and cruz was doing it to help the people

sdelma wants to escape to europe but they fight and its really exaggerated

cruz wins and they slap fioght for round 2

then a priest comes as its in a church and he brings them to a gidden city in the rocks and people hide from the invADING NEW YORKERS

kinda like in robotech with the invidf taking over

selma wants to jack more banks to help the people and they bicker over it but priest says how Columbus made it despite thbings looking bad

later this scuzzy guy and the bank goons arer looking for the chicks and a guys he asks drives him off with a hun in the nose

turns out the chicks are in the house and they want him to teach em to rob banks as hesa  pro at it

he rides off but cruz uses her horse to seduce robbers horse to keep it from going and they get him to train them

cruz is a good shot like lilian gish and selma gets thje hick ups when nervour

then we get some ninja trtaining like push ups in the water and running after a horse

he has em hang off a cliff over water and sez "robbin banks is easy, gettin away is hard"

cruz falls in the river a mile below and selma jumps in and saves her

this gets em to trush each other and beocme homies

like metabee and ikki

or hunter steele and that spider

then more training like carrying each other and gun prsactice and kniufe throwing like that guy in castlevania 3

also despite being in the 1800s, they look like models all the time

later nerd comes by on a train and he finds land transfers sold for 1 peso

later they are told to not kill anyone, only grab what u can carry, and get away always

they ride off on a chocolate and vanilla horses and we getta montage of em robbing banks and getting higher bounties

later nerd goes toi examine the roob bank dad got it and priest says to quit while aherad as theres a pro brought in afetr em

then nerd comes by and he asks if bank dads kid had issues with her dad

priest tells him selma loved her dad and nerd rides off ona  jacka55

gotta make the white ghuy look like a goof

so the chicks go after him and selma goes to a bar and talks fgrench tio some h--kers and come to nerds place in their costumes and puyll a gun on him

they tie him up naked and he sez he dont wanna betray his fuiture wife so they pose in sm pix and phoptograph him and say they'll leak his nudes tyo the papers and his future wife

thats kinda evil

but if a guy did that to a hgirl he'd be seen as bad

he tells em that bank dad was poisoned and the banks are american and under the law

they comment on his thing and about cruz beign a virgin and smooch the engaged nerd without consent

in the real version they were b0ning

they bring em to the bank and show him the deeds that say they were sold for 1 pso and how the banks were wasting guys and signning their names and the chemical to poison bank dad was in the room

then bank goons come and the nerd fakes being their hostage to help em getta way as hes the bosses son in law

bank bad guy caps the guys who topld him the chicks took nerd and nerds future wife is worried about him

nerd shows cruz the fingerproint powder and explains fingerprints  and selma sez the banks got in big guys and pros to defend em

selma b--ches about things going bad and nerd comforts her

so nerd and selma fake beign a newlywed couple and he has a fake moustache and smooch

curz cant take it and rides her vanilla horse across the rooftops and fat banker shows em the super safe

aselma pulls a gun and fata55 rfaints and nerd tries to crack the safe

selma shoots the windoes locked and the sound deafens nerd

he opens the vault and selma tries to throw the dyno mite in the ceiliing chandelier and it keeps falling out

they hide in the vault and are carried out by rope from ceiling and chocolate horse eats the ropes to the bank goons horses and they ruin

the chicks and dude escape and jhack their horses

Back in the olde dayes, We strung people up for stealing horses, but today, some devolved teens steal your Yugioh Cards, and you can't do anything!

latwsr bank bad guy is tldf they might move the gold to a different banka and he shows thre head mexico bank guy the supe alard system they bank has that has a rigger floor to sound an alarm

also the money is kept upstairs until the system is finished

also in that bank, selma is playing a chick whos mom got it and shoiws off her b00bs

they get the bank map and nerd sez they can't get through it

but the mexicoes working for the bank as slaves or w/e give them the keys

at night the  chick and nerd use knock out blow guns and south american knock out darts to sdneakm in and a rope on a bvow to cross in

inside they keyt the doors and selma uses ice skates to walk through the gap in the tiles

outside cruz j fk's a few guys with blow darts and a pack of tough guys comes over

in the bank selma stufdfs herr shirt with money and cvarry';sd ithe rest on a balance pole

but a soller bill falls on the ground, and does nothing

then she sneezes and drops the money and sounds the alarm

oh and cruz came over

the guards catch them and they are gonna be strung up and on the ride there the chick b--ch at each other until nerd tells em to get over it and help the people

so then the mecixo people save the chicks and rise up to overrthrow the banks and new yorekers

bank bad guycomplains to the governer who i thought was mexico bank guy and is gonna bring the gold back to america to make the paper money useless

so curz sez to strsl the gold and the chicks talk in a church and selma has cruz take off her corset as she wants her beer gut spilling out

btw, most of my mexcian friends like chicks with bug juicy butts

where all the back door bimbos??

so the gold is on the train to texas and bank bad guy is gonna use the gold as bait to catch the chicks and string em up

bank bad guy kicks the governer off the train andn is gonna take the gold himself and cruz and selma and nerd get on, unlink the train cart

future wifes dad finds out about bank bad guys plan and wants no part of it so hes gonna cap him

but chicvks save him and reveal they know he iced her dad

future wife recognizes nerd and theres a lomo gun fight and in the chaos control bad bank guy gets away to the gold cart

the chicks folow him and theres another shoot out where no one gets hit, he jumps on chocolate horse and escapes but cruyuyz whistles and he falls off and is ko ed

they somehow stop the train right there and selma is thinking of wasting him and they realize they cant but think about just wounding him

cruz ios oputta ammo so he pulls a derringer and selma caps him

so nerd survived and they honor him and they say bye as he gets on da train to head back to amercia with his blonde bimbo gf

on the ride back to soviet mexico  they taklk about who's kiss was better for the guy and suggest jacking banks in pre soviet europe

then ride off into the sunset and credits

the end

that was pretty entertaining

not trying to be historiucally aCCURATE or realistic but just ebing entertaining

this is sorta like dirty pair or slayers with lina and naga or re cutey honey or touble shootrrer/battle mannia with 2 different chicks teaming up AND CLASHING

its got good effects and style and music and acting and is pretty cool and fun

its written by a french guy i doubt know anything about mexico or westerns but fdid an entertaining joy

it tells a good story thats sorta anime and reminds me of how president andrew jackson took out the banks to save america

for Bandidas 2 i want it to be about them meeting a guy who's family was killed by chupacabra's and thry go on a hunbt for em, but find a demented sicntist is trying to cross  breed chup[acabra and chiump to make a higher life forme: the chimpacabra! also its a 32 bit light gun game on serga saturn, play station 1 and panasonic 3do where you play as onbe or both girl and use light guns to b;last through the wastelands and ruins of temples to stop the chimpacabra's and their creator who fuses with one to be even stronger

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