The Viking Review

Note; i speell unnordic or not

The VBiking

This is my review on The Viking from the distant future year, to Oda Nobunaga, of 1928  (100 years before the 2nd robotech war)

Its directyal my Roy William Neill who did frankenstein meets the wolfman/black moon

its got Donald Crisp from, the 40s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde/Valley of the Giants/The Amazing Dr. Clitterhouse\Mary Of Scoitland\da 30z Mutiny on the Bounty/Red Dust/Svengali/broken blossoms/intolerance/The Birth Of A  Nation/The Avenging Conscience/the musketeers of pig alley, Pauline Starke from  The Birth of a Nation/intolerance/da 20s Dante's Inferno, LeRoy Ma sQn from the 30s Call of the Wild, Anders Randolf from the 20s Sherlock Holmes\Noah's Ark\The Jazz Singer/Son of the Gods, Richard Alexander from the 20s The King Of Kings\All Quiet on the Western Front\queen christina\The Great Dictator\Marie Antoinette\ da 30z A Tale of Two Cities, Harry Woods from The 10 Commandments, Albert MacQuarrie from The Msark Of Zorrio and The Hunchback of Notre Dame from da 20s, Torben Meyer from the 20s Noahs Ark/Murders in the Rue Morgue/Bride of Frankenstein/Mark of the Vampire/dA 30S A Tale of Two Cities/The Great Dictator/Judgment at Nuremberg/The Great Rupert, Claire McDowell from the 20s The Mark of Zorro/The Big Parade/Ben-Hur/The Big House, Iron Eyes Cody from Ace In The Hole/Cockeyed Cowboys of Calico County, Francis McDonald from Intolerance/the 20s Monte Cristo\Joe Dakota\The Guns of Fort Petticoat\the colored The Ten Commandments/the 50s Calamity Jane/Samson and Delilah\da 40s The Three Musketeers/Duel in the Sun, Lon Poff from the 20s Prisioner Of Zenda/\Dante'ess Inferno/Greed(that oews good)/The Man Who Laughs/ther 40s Madame Bovary, Angelo Rossitto from The Mysterious Island/The Big House/A Midsummer Night's Dream/Samson and Delilah/Mad Max 3 Beyoind thunderdome/the 70s The Lord of the Rings, Dick Sutherland from the 20s Uncle Toms Cabin/Don Juan/A Sailor-Made Man/Grandma's Boy, and a few 1800s dudes i never saw in anything

its the 1st fuill length color film and has 2 strip technicolor that looks interesting

I saw this b4 asnd liked it but its been a while

its based on 1902 novel The Thrall of Leif the Lucky by Ottilie A. Liljencrantz thart, you guessed it, I never r4ad

So after the colored MGM Logio, we get title and it seems kinda 30s with that hue and music on da credits

then text saying 1000 years ago, b4 Whites came to America, da vikings sailed da north

even though the south americans had stories of White Bearded Men comming acroiss da atlantic and teahing em how to build

probably after Noags Flood

So its da vikings ands we see the boat and it comes near lord alwin of soviet englands castlre

hes got people in his castle and the color seems kinda like ivanhoe in dA 1950s

1 prays to The Lord to be prpotected from da vikings anmd outside da vikings are ear and 1 uses a bow/artrow to j f k a guy and another monk is iced and we see his bls blood spill on his boiok

so alwin gets along wiotrh his fam bu da vikings attackand its a big a55 battle

after it they go back to norwau with slaves and1 viking is a midgwet

the picrture the alwainb's mom was making is dropped and step[ped on and alwwain is bummed

outside, a blonde viking chgick is knocked over by a norseman horseman and is treated as ride of the valkyries plays

text sez shes an orphan and of noble blood and her dads homie lief ericsson protects her

her arm has a light sprain and is treated by some guyholding it for a bit then her wrapping it

she notices alwain looking bummbed and thjis viking wants a gift for his wife and chooses a slave

viking chick named helga chats with alwain and buys him for 3 silvers

the same price gut's dad sold him to the big black guy for

she wants his chains off and is told hes got a tem,per, but hews unchained

she jump tacklles him to the ground like enzo in reboot for bob and starts violently b0ning him

jk really they go home after paying

so leif is out with his crew and egil da black is having a swordfight and wuins

hes got a p0rn0 moustache

so helga comeas back and the slave buying viking's woman dont like him getting a greek slave for her b day

she probably is all hairy

slave buyer playfully shoves his fat wife around and she shoves him back

helga shows egil her alwain and he nearly shanbks aLWAIN b4 helga stops it

alwain riides a horse tro the next buty is told its not for slaves to ride and he does it right

helgha sez "wat wood leif think of ehil drawqing a sword on a slave" but egil is jealous of da slasveand is in love with her

she sez shge wants to be friends and hes boummed

later the viking cheifs meet under king Olaf whos da 1ast Christian leader and spreads the Good Word

lief is a bada55 VIKING AND IS GOING PAST GREENLAND TO FIND NEW LANDS

get f'd caps lockl, get BUTT F'D

so the vikings drink and chat and talk of lands beyond greenland but some think thasts the edge of da world

Olaf-Oh gives leiif a cross and wishes him well

elsewhere, egil thinks helgas slave alwion raN OFF And saDDLES UP HER HORSE

HE gets her to go after him and sghe fuinds him with a book

she whips him anbd he fights back as even if shes a bodfy builde, men are stronger than chicks

wehilms men catch him and hes gonna chop him in 2 by raising his weapon up and ashowing his pits, but shghe raiss her arm and uses her arm,pit tio stop him as hes stain his blade with slave blood

he wants a weapon to figt back but lief wearing artmor with big nipps drawn on it sez to honor the slaves courage

egli faces alwin AND both had 1 shgiend and 1 sword each

btw this has synchronized sound and therwes metal banging and yel;ls on here with jusic

in da fight, ALWIN BREAKS elgins sword but sez he spares him as helga loves him

mythbusters proved swords dont bvreak like dat

slave gets his book and whip and l;ief sez she lknows better than to whip a man like that

so helga gives him to lief and he rides liefs horse

lief gives her advice of controlling her temper and breings her home to greenland

so on da boat, as scuzzmo tells alwin to full a drinking horn but alwin dont and sez sez hes liefs [persobnal slsave

he has slave pride, he's proud of his status

so he cuts 1 hair on the scuzzmo and scuzzmo tries to wavk him

eglig sez to get dda beer or alwin wil be flogged and al;win mouths off to him

so egli gets him tied up and opens the tp of his shirt and then the rtest

he's whipped aNDHELGA DONT LIKE IT AND SYTOPS IT, then alwimn dunksa scuzzmo in the beer barel

the ship hits something andshakes but is bajk on track

probably a u s o

lief is toldf of his slaves acts and hes sent inside and helga follows but listens at a door

lief sez the edge of da wor;d is guardee by monstwers and shows a map opf sea dragons

like mosasaurs seen in ww1?

so liefd makes slave his right hand man anmd later chick helga is in ckloth instead of a mrtaly tank top anbd has her arm felt by lief i think

shhe looks at slave and longs for him, then trhey go to greenland which is a icy place and is stil following the nordic gods like yugioh 5Ds or Saint Seiya, and workd for eeric the red

so eric has a judgement on boat damages and 1 guy has to pay another silvwer but they fight over it and eric therottles em then has em pray to a nordic god as he didnt ice em for drawing blades in a judgement place

at the graven idol, they fight and 1 guy has a cross and eric chops him wityh an axe

we dotn see the impact but the axe has blood on it

hay its china an mus lims countries!

so elief coems by soviet greenlandfor supplies and goes to his dads place and on the trip,  the viking play dice

so we're throwing dice in da alley, and officer leroy come in, and "hay i thoguth i told u" k sun of a!

egli comes well in dice and they mock him for f ing out with helga and helga is therre in what looks like kinda sm gear straps of leather

she goes to alwin the slave and asks why hes avoiding her and he sez cuz hes a slave

she gets close to him and they almost kiss as soft 40s music plays like in a good disney movie

so they finally mnake it to candya55 green land, or i otta call it, tom green land, and eric the red wlcomes his son lief ericsson

eric asks if lief is gay for helga but he sez she has a guy

egli is bummed and we see helga showing her armpit again with a wave and a guy asks egli where his son kark is

elhi sez they hagave karks place to alwin as the christians are fgavored, then ther viking drink and cleebrate

1 guy i think scuzzmo sez lief turned christian and as eric gives a speech, scuzzoid and father of kark comes in and sez his son was passed over for a christian englind

eric comes out about beign christian and shows his cross and eric gets triggered like a reddit monkey and throws an axe aty him

it misses and lief takes it out and gives it back and sez to his men to slay his own men who ice his dads men

eric sez wehen ;ief left the pagan ghods he stopped being his soon so lief wants supplies and to be on his way

eirc sez no supplies and lief sez to alwin to bust open the graineries like moses in the 10 commandments

good shot ofg the base with the white buiolding, it looks liek an 1800s whaling pole place or a george melies movie

so the helga asks if hes leaving her here anbd lief sez shes gonna stay wirth liefs mom after beign with him for 005 years

so the epic attacks the lief and a battle of flailing swords breaks out as liefs men jacxk the grainhouse

scuuzzoid sees a alwain and the viking and is gonna shank em ninbja style, but helga raises her ARM TO shopw off dat pit and yells to him anbd he stops him

the viking get him and probably b0ne him ead with swords anmd liefs dudes escape and lock the ericmen inbside wioth scuzzpoid on the door

the redmen bust it down ands crush the scuzzula and helga sneaks out dressed as a man

the reds ands the liefs clash and liefs men carry  the loot they jacked to dfa ship[ and escape

red  eric is proud of his sons bada55ery and looks on with some honor

at night the liefs team is creeped out by the bl;ackness and fear ghgosts

probasbly of their countless victimas

i torch holding guy spaazzes out thinming he saw a witch and alwin finds its helga

they smooch and on the torch he throws his helmet and toarch bearer who looks like a cavem,an, thinks witch got him

egli comes in and sees and she goes to see leif who sez hes goinna marry her in ancient viking style aftewr the 2nd moon change

so days later, the people fear sea monsters which probably were shown in the bookmbut in 20s effects, woiuld be rough, and fear the edge of da world

egli wants to overthrow lief and alwin closes the shop doors with helga and i think they are b0ninbg

1 guy worrys as Li4efs Crucifix swings ans the people bicker

helga is stiull weaering clothes and sez sahe loves her slave and they smooch

lief comes by and a guy who looks kinda devolved grabs the Crucifix and spsazzes ouyt and throws it off da boat whuile saying to turn bacvk

the crew joins in and wantts to go baco and lief shames em for being cowards and candya55es and viking dont queer out of adventure

they go back to oaring and egli worked to f with the superstitous crew foer a while

hel;ga prays to The Christian God for aid and then they hVE A VIKING WEDDINMG WUITH ARMED GUYS RAISINGB BLADES LIKE A VALKYRIES IN ROBOTECH WITH MAX'S WEDDING

good f--k caps lock! can you die?

so helga has to dreiunk from the marriage bowl abnd as she is, egli sneak attackls lief but alwin takes it like in Spider Man 03

lief fighs opff te bad guys and shanks egil and sees helga hiolding alweins bodsy

helga sez she loved him and lief sez da slave betrayed him and is gonna cut her dowmn, but dont

egul from alex kidd sez he did it for helga outta love and bites itr

then they get to America as the 1at White men there, even though theres a skeleton found in fouth america thatsa from longer ago that dna tsts as European

they make a tpwer of stone and i tthionk alwin is alie as hes in bed and helgas lookinmg after him

he makes peace with the indians and gives em a cross and helga and alwin stay behind with some crewmen and the rest return to tom green land

then it shows the watxchtower in rhode island today, or in the 20s

the end

that was good

i love the color and its got a dullness but a likeable feel to it

its kinda ;like 40s and 50s movbies but with some 10s

it tells a good story and i didnt recall the slavery thing in it or the love triangle

or much of it besides the ending

but its pretty good and has nice action and characters

the chick is pretty cool and still feminine instead of b==chy feminists who chave half their head and dye it blue and get tattoos and piercings and aids

it doesnt drag and has good filming and the effects are good

its a solid movie that isn't over complex, just a good viking adventure

nowadays they'd make the Christian viewss look bad and the cool viking look evil, while the paganites being ther "oppressed good guys"

For the Viking 2 I want it to be about alwin and helga in America and they gotta deal with sasquatch attacks but her kid who is a muscley blonde chick and got like noen of alwins devolved brit dna, is skilled with an axe and has blessed items and fights them off, also its a 128 bit game like Legacy Of Kain on DreamCast, GamneCube, ps2 and xbox where yo play as her and fiugth various sasquatch daemons and people who were bred with sasquatches to make devolved hydrids