A Star Is Born Review

note; this film is like 3 hours. this review is long as my cr-p too

a star is born

this is my review of a star is born(50s ver)

its got judy garland  and is directed by George Cukor who also did 2 faced woman, gaslight, holy cr-p he directed a version of the blue bird!!

I loved the silent one!

so I'm doing the garland one cuz my homie scotty wanted me to as opposed to the other few vers

so it starts with credits

ewwwwwwww

super widescreen

ooh its got irving bacon

that sounds like a p0rn0 name

it sez they got special permission to use Oscars

why?

the simpsons don't need it

so theres a searchlight thing like with the bat signal with a fundraising thing for a motion picture relief fund

why not just get the elites pay for it?

or better yet; why do they need relief?

they make millions!

is this like in the bodyguard were whitney Houston has an aids dinner to raise cash?

so the celebs come out and talk

nowadays they'd be in bad p0rn0 looking outfits

like celebs at award sgows now

looks like something outta mad max or final fantasy sometimes

so in the theatre this guy gets word a nother guy is here but drunk

hes hassling people

if my kid got drunk, i';d beat him with a trunk!(from an elephant)

the drunk guy is actor norman maine

he seems a bit fruity

the guy tries to get him away but he shoves him away

they laughs it off and they get drinks for pictures

after the pictures he busts cr-p up

they judy sings on stage with a dance

then maine comes out pushing through a55

judy goes off spotlight ti keep him off

but he gets in

I went to get a coke life so I missed it but the crowd cheered

afterward he drunkenly chats with her

later he goes to sleep

he wakes up and he goes t this jungle night club like night at the Roxbury

in another club, judy sings hard and long

its sorta like tommy wiseau her singing; really over the top

not bad

just, to da max

man this song is kina bummer

then she laughs it off

but maine has found her

is this a horror movie?

is he gonna eat her?

hes impressed by her singing

he tries to describe her singing as fishing or a prizefight

he means it as in its enjoyable

he also compares her to a great bullfighter how he can tell its good instantly

well he sez she can be great and can go far

then he drives her home

I thought he was drunk

btw the night lights of the city reminds me a bit of embryo with rock Hudson or the bg of carnival night zone in sonic 3

the mélange of bright specks in a dark area

she tells she feels most alive when singing

is this gonna be like with Minmei in Robotech?

at her place she fills him in on her life offscreen

she sez she wants to be a big hit

but shes going to san fran sicsiko the next day

he tells her not to go and to take a shot at the stars

btw its been like 40 mins

didn't feel like it

later maine calls his agent or w/e and tells him about judy

judy tells her band guy shes quitting the band

he gets p-ssed and tries to talk her outta it

he sees her off in a lost scene that was restored with stills and audio

sorta like how TCM restored the Erich Von Stroheim masterpiece Greed

I cried at that

and that was just the stills of 2 strip technicolor

later they are filming a boat scene on the water

in a restored scene maine from the boat hassles the people to find judy

but he dontr have the name of the name of the club she played

in another restored scene judy calls someone back and gets work singing

she works in a puppet add singing about shampoo

now it would use bad cg and look like cr-p

in a restored scene the band guy tries to get judy back to the band but he declines and is working at a restaurant(the restaurant is a filmed scene)

later maine chats with his bimbo gf about some cr-p as garlands song add plays on tv

he recognizes it

In a restored scene he finds her on a roof and comes up

later he has make up people look at her face

they wanna give her a nose job

the surgery

not an elephant using his trunk on ur thing

they suggest giving her "the Crawford mouth"

I assume that means removing her teeth to make her cheekbones look better

she later had a lot of problems from that

later after the make up guys are done with her, she looks like a bimbo

shes even in a pink pleather thing that makes her t-ts look bigger

they aint that big though

maine laughs at it

he takes off the make up as shes been brainwashed by the make up fruits to think shes awful

he gives her confidence

she goes in and they were expecting a blonde

blondes have more fun!

shes signed a contract and meets a high rank guy watching a film

after dat she is shown out and told they'll get her a new name

is that like with the film actors guild where only 1 name an be used?

so chris Collins had to be chris latta?

OR MICHAEL DOUGLAS had to be Michael Keaton?

its like in roots

whats your name!?

TOBY!!!

lol

later they film a snow train scene

what is this? mega man x?

I had a dream of a mega maN GAME WIHE HE FIGhts sigma and if mega mans weapon powers up, so will sigma' weapon

but it wasn't mega man x

and I think it was on gbc

she gets the name vicky lester

better than MOses LESTER!

the high rank guy hears judy's singing after b--ching about her for a while and likes her

later maine and judy go to her preview and he gives her tips

in the film shes dressed like a man

then she in the film sings about being born in a trunk in a theatre

after a while shes in a blue dress and singing

man this goes on for a while

man I just watched a Seinfeld trailor of "the pig man" and its still going

after an intermission people are eating at a thing

maine tells judy shes gonna be a great star

later she records another song

she seems to be into maine and they plan to get married

they need studio approval to get married

they get it

what is this? england? where the king determines who can marry who??

then they get married

someone (I think the high rank guy, I wasn't looking) is p-ssed they got married and he couldn't get free press off it

then they go to a motel

I think theyre gonna b0ne

he turns on a song by her

then she sings for him

then they make out and it fades out

they b0ned

I missed a bit as I was watching lucoa clips from miss kobayashi's dragon maid

later I think maine had something happen to his contract

and he tried to get judy to leave the studio

later shes eating with maine

man nothing happens in this film

shes gonna get a role in a big a55 musical

she does a song from the movie for him

its a love song

but I prefer Minmei's songs from Robotech

they moved me

this is just another big band song

she makes many references to other countries

its like street fighter 2

then they start b0ning offscreen but the doorbell rings and they cant b0ne

its a delivery boy with a package for his wife

wow that sounded wrong

he signs for it but the delivery guy don't know him

later theyre havin the Oscars and a guy gives a speech

for best actress all the names are fake

movies too

judy wins

she gives a speech but maine comes on and drunk to carjack her speech

he sez he made em a lotta cash but now he needs work

he accidentally smacks judy

in the real version he probably beat on her

maybe she tried to stop him and h slugged her a55 out!

but they cant show that in the 50s

they go back to their seats and he ants another drink

later judy does a song about cheering up

later she talks with da high rank guy about trying to save maine

but hes killing himself with booze

nowadays he's be into drugs

then she sings about cheering up

such a contrast

some guys meet with maine and (I think its the high rank guy and his agent)

I think hes in rehab

hes given a side part in something

he talks out his a55 about having a big part at a better studio and other films coming

they leave

later hes out and has ginger ale

root beet is better

a guy hassles him about being f'd and he can live off his wife

maine slugs him out and goes right back to scotch

later hes in court for some reason

hes lead outta the cell and has to hang with all these only white crooks

he pleads guilty to being drunk and wounding an officer who stopped him for drunk driving

just like rodny king

the judge recognizes him as the actor and comes down hard on his a55

90s days

his woman judy pleads for mercy and hes give to custody of his wife

they hug and the paparazzi flash pix of em

se later wants to go away to recover him

she is thankful for his helping her make it and cant throw him away

later a guy tells her hes been going down b4 they met and its not just cr-ppy movies that f'd him, its him that f'd him

I missed a bit but I read on Wikipedia he went for a swim in the ocean and suicided

man this movie is depressing

plus nothing happens

its slow

but it doesn't drag like titanic

it has ok speed

the high rank guy sez his agent never knew maine

later judy is visited by her band guy from b4 and has given up

he tells her off and bashes maine

sez everything maine did was cr-p and shes the only good thing he had

and if she gives p its all over for his memory

later a guy at a show sez judy wont show up

but then she does

she sez she mrs norman maine and is about to sing

but the film ends b4 another 5 mins of song eating the runtime

in the real version I think they went on another 45 mins of her singing

the end

holy cr-p that was like 3 hours

its not boring or bad

and its got some good parts

but it didn't move me

its just another musical

birth of a nation was 3 hours and thrilling

gone with the wind was 4-5 hours and epic

the 10 commandments was 5 hours but grand

this was ok but not amazing or worth the praise I heard

at least it had good pacing and didn't drag

but nothing really happens

its padded out by long music numbers

imagine if they had a batman movie and the film just stopped to show 11 minutes of song that don't affect the plot

not a bad film

just not that great

for a star is born 2 i'd like for her to get involved with cloning to try to get maine back. but cloning doesn't bring back the soul so the new maines are not the same. so she gets into black magik and tries rituals to bring back his soul into a clone. but it doesn't work right and it brings a daemon into it, which gives it black magik powers and several transformations. judy is absorbed by it and it becomes a hermaphrodite ad gos around busting the town. after its defeated by a bada55 priest, judy is pooped out but is pregnant with its daemon baby. its also a 16 bit game on sega and snes with you as the monster busting towns and taking on celeb parodies in mechs in cities as they try to stop you. also if you beat em you can absorb oe of their weapons and use it in the next level

The Karate Kid Review

note; I took aikido so my spelling is bad
the karate kid
this is my review on the karate kid(80s version)
its got noriyuki pat morita from happy days and ralf macchio who I always thought was indian cuz hes so tan
turns out hes el italiano
ive never seen the jaden smith one
thankfully
so it starts in new jersey like the toxic avenger
this italiano family moves to California(or as I call it, new Sodom)
I've seen the crow city of angels
that place is f'd
in new Sodom the mom is glad theres no winter
it don't have winter?!
f dat cesspool!
I love winter!
the bugs and animals and stink plants go back to h-ll
so Daniel(not the kid from transformers, the macchio) meets a new homie
danny meets a jersey geezer who likes nj
also danny gets invited to a party
knowing 80s calefornia; its a coke party!!
he gets the matainence man to fix his faucet
its morita
hes trying to catch a fly with chopsticks
later dan and frends play beach soccer to bach boys tuns
dan meets a calefornia gurl
shes rich
hes gay for her
his homies get him to talk to her
he shows off his soccer skills to her
then a biker gang of malcontent teens comes by
the main blonde biker sees danny with the chick and gets p-ssed
they were ex s
he takes her ghetto blaster and busts it
then beats up danny
danny gets 1 punch in but gets his a55 kicked
]in the real version he probably b0ned him
its like with mega man X how he cant beat vile at 1st
the next day he is wearing shades ad his mom suspects something
hes got a black eye
his mom sees it and worries
then he goes 2 school
he remeets the chick and they talk nice
he shows soccer skills and the guy who beat him up is on the team
they play shirts and skins and londe biker trips him
so they fight and danny gets kicked off da team
hes gona get pushed too far and shoot up the school
at home danny tries learning karate from a paper and morita comes in to fix the sink
later at school he talks with the chick at lunch
LATER he goes to a dojo to learn but its a hard a55 dojo
also the biker blonde is there
take aikido
its about redirecting their attacks and snapping their joints
later he has lunch wth mom and she gives him encouragement
he said the karate dojo s-cked and mom sez they cant afford it
on jerry springer this redneck learned moves watching the chuck Norris and the jean clause van damme on the v c r
he wasn't bad
you could play beat em ups like double dragon and streets of rage and learn those moves
but this is b4 the nes so that's out
later danny is biking at night and the biker gang gets him
remember in violence jack how h-lls wing biker gang caught tetsuya and jun and chainsawed him and b0ned her?
danny beats up his bike and his mom tries to comfort him
he has an episode and hates California
he wants to go home
did they raepe him?
it was offscreen so maybe
later after school he meets with the chick and her chum
but he sees the bikers and books it
later he comes home and morita fixed his bike
morita teaches him about a bonsai tree
he gives him advice and positive cr-p
mom comes in and morita gives danny a bonsai tree
nowadays tumbler malcontents would call a white guy (are italians white?) doing Japanese stuff cultural appropriation and try to stop it out of their fear and hate of alleged racism
holy cr-p
the director of this also did rocky and rocky V
later its Halloween and morita carves pumpkins
instead of trick or treating, danny has a dance
but he dot got a costume
he jokes of going as the invisible man
but he as full on nude!!
he goes as a shower with a curtain around him
da chick goes under the shower curtain with him to chat
this is getting 18+
she wants blonde biker to get beat up
u could hire a hitman o snap his joints
later in the bathroom the blonde biker is rolling chronic joints
and danny is in there!
also hes dressed like a skleton
danny blasts him with a hose and ruins his chronic
danny books it but the biker gang of b0ners chases him
theyre all skeletons
they catch him and beat his a55
1 biker b0ner sez hes had enuff but blonde biker wants danny dad
hes about to waste him but morita saves him and kicks biker a55
howd he know danny was there and getting killed?
is like sailor moon and tuxedo mask
except morita doesn't get danny pregnant
btw, serena is like 15 and darien is in his 20s
not that theres anything wrong with dat
morita tends dannys wounds
he sez he learned karate from his dad in Okinawa
but he wont teach danny for revenge
he wont get involved and danny gets p-ssed
he sez karate is in da head not the body
they agree to teach danny moves
the next day morita lets danny drive his pickup truck to the dojo to confront the bikers
at the dojo the sensei is a hara55
they try to make him look bad
what happened to sensei only being rough so the students aint weak and get iced?
senei teaches no mercy and always finish
morita asks them to leave danny alome but sesei is disrespectful to morita
I should mention all the dojo students are white
cultural appropriation!!
racist!!
triggered!!
morita sez they gon settle this at a kung fu tournament
also to leave danny alone til then
wait, one student is black
no Asians though
although when I took aikido most people were white or European
one cool guy andreas was from Austria and looked like johnny depp
he was cool
he had long hipster hair and hipster glasses
he listened to my silly ramblings and was nimble
the sensei was Hungarian or w/e
he looked kinda like Gandalf
his daughter looked like carrie anne moss and was like 30-40 in the 00s
I look kinda like macaulay culkin
but with Castlevania/axl rose/def leopard/mad max hair
so morita is gonna train danny
he gives him a head band cuz its the 80s and had danny agree to do WHATEVER he sez, no questions
this is how p0rn0es start
he then as him wax his cars
wax on
wax off
after a day of waxing its night
later at school(I thought it was summer?) danny teases the biker gang
they're gonna b0ne him dead
danny gets the chicks number
he tries to get the biker gang into a history lesson on Indians but they get outta it
but danny has to go
later he meets the chicks rents and I don't think they like him being not too rich
the moms gonna drive em but the car f's out so they gotta push
the get in when it starts
they go to the family fun center and the mom drops em off
we get an 80s montage of positive 80s music and danny/chick having fun
after it all these 80s guys  in cool cars flirt with hr
was she b0ning all them b4?
they offer her fun but she stays with danny
later danny goes for more training and has to use japanese sanders on wood by making circles with em and breathing
is this qui gong?
like in riki-oh?
breathing right while doing moves to enhance power?
at night hes sanded the wood
wtf
I looked it up and this was rated 15+ in England and Norway
f those candy a55 countries!
what next? Yugioh the movie being 16+??
cant have card games! its too much for us!
later danny catches a fly with chopsticks somehow
then he has danny paint a fence
small board left hand, big board right hand
ohhhh
I just realized it
macchio is italiano and morita is Japanese
all we need is Austria and we got da hole axis!!
the next day he paints the house all day
at night morita comes back from fishing and danny is p-ssed or beig a slave istead of learning karate
his arm is dead so morita uses a ki move to heal it
he has danny use his moves he did on the air to do chores
after a while he realizes he learned karate through it
why not use weighted clothing to increase speed?
morita attacks him but danny uses the cleaning moves to block
but he never learned how to attack!
maybe he should've showed him the dragon fist?
it beat super 17 in dbgt
later he goes to the beach and learns balance
he sees morita using the crane move and its called a move theres no defence against
he finds some drunks drinking booze at his car and busts their beer bottles with a knife hand (or karate chop to baka gaijin!!)
later he rows a boat for morita
he stands in a boat and uses moves to learn balance
they talk about fighting and being scared
he thinks karate is fighting
its self defence!
morita flips him into the water and lafffs at him
latr the chick is at a dance and her dad don't want her to be with danny
he wants her with the blonde biker
he wants her(biker) but she likes the dark haired danny
just like with shin yuria and Kenshiro in Hokuto no ken
danny goes to the place they at and blonde biker sees him
he makes out with her w/o consent to f with danny and she pushes him away
in the real version I think he tried to b0ne her
dany freaks out and bumps into a guy and gets food on him
later morita is drunk and danny comes in
this is how p0rn0es start
he gives danny booze but he finds it gross
its revealed morita had a wife
she was preggers in the 40s
also morita was in the u s army
while drunk he reveals his wife it it from childbirth
no dr came and his id bit it too
they were in an internment camp as America was afraid of Japanese then
Canada did it too
as I recall it was the liberals who were in power then
also I hear harry s trueman was in the klan in the 20s
that's not a joke btw
I heard he was in it
so danny trains on his own to music
even the crane
later morita trains him to punch by putting his whole body force in one point
for dannies b day he gives danny a gi his wife made
also dany got his drivers liscense
then he remembers his mom has a thing planned for him
so morita gives him a car
the keys have moritas dog tags on it
I gotta say this is a lot like the story of frank dux which was told by jean claude van damme in bloodsport
Asian guy trains white guy to replace his son
danny tells him hes danny bst friend ever
what about that guy from the start of the movie?
just gonna forget him?
so danny goes to see the chick and shes mad at him for some reason
they have some kinda issue and they argue
he thinks shes using him to make blonde biker jealous and she leaves
but her chum tells danny chick hit blonde biker after danny left
but she never told danny cuz "she shouldn't have to"
wtf
he's just supposed to read her thoughts?
this is why so many guys go queer
chicks are mental
he goes to see her and sez hes a jerk and they hug
he shows her his car and she drives
later its the tournament and morita sez danny is black belt
as its brown belt or higher entrance only
so shouldn't this disqualify him already?
maybe he just identifies as a black belt and they gotta accept his claims
he also lies and sez morita only speaks Japanese and the chick is his translator
morita don't know the rules so chick tells him
everything above waist is a point
he has his st match and keeps backing off
after a bit of this he nails the guy with a kick
then a chop in round 2
then we get a kung fu montage to "ur da best around":
just like in bloodsport with "I fight to survive"
also the dojo has several members in the tournament
so danny has a damage on his torso and morita bandages it
imagine if it ruptured and all his guts spilled out
that would be sick
so its the last few rounds and biker blonde is the returning champ
he fights a black guy named vidal(not videl from dbz) and busts a55
sensei tells bobby brown to cripple danny so he cant fight
they fight and he jump kicks dannys leg
he sez sorry but is disqualified
he was only following orders
like hilliry going hard on that mo lested girl while defending the guy who mo lested her
danny wants to keep going but morita sez hes done enough
danny wants to set things right
things look bad but morita uses his ki to heal dannys leg
is this like Rasputin healing the czars son?
is morita a holy man?
so its the finals and Goku fights piccolo jr
I mean danny faces biker blonde
they are even but sensei sez to swep the leg
they clash and gain points
its even
but dannys leg is giving out
danys taking a beating
next point wins
danny kicks but blonde grabs it and busts it
danny's leg is dead so he uses the crane and kicks out blonde
he wins the kumite
also blonde sez; ur all right. it him
the end
it just ends after he wins?
just like kick boxer or blood sport
that was good
better than the remake I never saw
nowadays it would have phones and cr-p ruining it
for the karate kid 2 I want it to start with dannys leg coming off from damage and he gets a cyber leg. then a few years later the LA riots happen and the malcontents are tearing apart the city. so danny seez he needs to stop these animal before more inncent people die. and he goes out with the biker blonde and the gang to fight the rioters to protect their victims. its also a 2 player sega genesis or snes beat em up with one player as danny and one as the biker blonde and they have ki attacks from years of training

Sergeant York Review

note; I never saw this b4. so I'm experiencing it and reviewing it. so theres typoes

sergeant York

this is my review on sergeant York(40s ver)

its by howard hawks who did the thing from another world

and stars cooper

ooh, its based on actual events

and music by max steiner

it starts with heroic music and deticates the film to survivors of ww1

until the 2010s, that was possible

so its 1916

and people are singing about being there for a roll call

oh its church

the priest sez the story of the good Sheppard leaving 99 sheep to save 1

a guy with loud shoes comes in during it

priest sez a farmer near em left 67 pigs to find 1

then cowboys come in and shoot up some trees

the guy found the pig in the winter

he gets fed up with the gunfire and ends mass

later some old guys (civil war survivors?) talk about current events

the paper sez the germans are winning ww1

good

better than the brits and serbs

and a few guys are displeased over the germans getting to paris for some reason

most don't care

then mother York comes by shopping

she talks to the priest about someone named Alvin

I think he a malcontent based on what they say

she asks priest to talk to Alvin

later mom yprk goes home and sends her kid George to get Alvin from the Kentucky boarder

Alvin is in Kentucky from Tennessee to get booze

theres a line on the floor separating the states

why'd they build it there??

after talking with his drinking buddies over what to drink to, they drink against getting sober

the bro George comes in to brings him home

but 1st theres a bar fight over a guy poking fun at his mom wanting Alvin

1 guy gets his head beat into the floor like George Zimmerman

but this time he didn't need a gun to survive

I think it was Alvin beating the head

then they go home

MA YORK hoses him of with a bucket of water

after dinner Alvin plows the field

he talks to the priest about how he plows around a rock and its easy to plow crooked and hard to fix it

also Alvin is going to h-ll but can be saved if he gets right with the Lord

priest gives more good advice about finding his way and having something to anchor him

but Alvin don't think he needs it

imagine if the priest said; see you in h-ll Alvin(from heaven)

later these guys are on a hunt and following hunting dogs

a 10s chick gives Alvin advice but hes got a b0ner

he talks with the chick

brother George doesn't get whats wrong with Alvin and goes off

her name is gracie like in student bodies or degrassi

also hes noticed she "growed up"

how old is she?

how old is he??

later hes grooming in the mirror and talking with ma York about his dad and grampa getting chix

later gracie is knitting and talking to zeb Andrews(possible relation to d b Andrews from Robotech the movie)

zeb wants to take gracie to a dance but Alvin comes in and zeb gets disgruntled

or should I say... malcontent!!

zeb keeps trying to outdo Alvin but Alvin keeps his cool

this is like degrassi in the 1910s

gracie goes in to get cider but when shes back zeb left

I think Alvin said he'd b0ne zebs fam dead

wait, he fought

shes disgruntled over it and he sez he gon marry her

she freaks out

she sez no and he thinks its cuz of the land he owns

she sez all he does is fight but he don't get it and books it

at home the mom sez the dad tried to get the bottom land (I don't know wat dat means) but Alvin don't care

hes like Inuyasha

later he tries to sell cr-p to a 1800s looking dude

the guy gyps him

they make a pact that he pays him 70 $ in 60 days or hw loses it

he agrees to do work for 75 cents a day

his logic; that's 60 days and 60 nights

but we need rest to function

we getta montage o him doing various 1800s work like shoeing muels and splitting rails

if this were an 80s movie it would have a stan bush song

like with blood sport or transformers the movie

also the gracie falls for him

he also has a calendar where he adds up his cash

so later theres one night left and he don't got enough cash for it

he asks the 1800s guy for extra days

he gets it

on Saturday is a turkey shoot to win a thing he can sell

nowadays the animal supremacists would throw a sissy fit

like that Morrissey candy a55 who wouldn't go on with duck dynasty guys cuz he saw em as "murderers"

so Alvin makes turkey sounds to get the turkey out the log and blows it apart

they don't show it

too bad

it otta show it asploding is ultra high def slo mo 100000 frames per second

then theres a gun accuracy contest and Alvin does well

another guy does well and Alvin wins

he sells it

but 1800s guy has sold the land to zeb

he snaps and walks off

he then starts picking off everyone who ever wronged him in a birthday related list

jk

that would be cool though

instead he is disgruntled the guy gave his word and welshed on it to jew him ot so he went to irish up his liver

he goes home in a lightening storm and gets fried

he survives but his gun melted

and I think the horse got f'd

he hears church singing and goes in the church

everyone is happy to see him

he later goes to the 1800s guy and the guy is freaked out

but Alvin is nice and has found the Lord

he asks to buy back the mule he sold him but is given a good price

also he chats with zeb and is nice

he asks to work for zeb

they decide to work together

later he encourages gracie to marry zeb

she freaks out and wiggles a knife around at him saying shes gonna marry Alvin

later hes teaching children the good book

right after he says "thou shall not kill" war is declared

I should note that Woodrow Wilson ran on the promise not to go to war

after he gets in? war

so Alvin don't wanna go to war

he thinks the bible is against it

I should mention the proper translation from Hebrew to English is "thou shalt not murder"

if someone is trying to kill you and you fight back and the attacker bites it its not murder

also the Israelites went to war against many groups in the old testament

they iced the Canaanites as they ritual sacrificed their children to a demon god

and if a fam didn't have a baby to sacrifice, they'd buy one from a poor fam

the priest sez members of certain religions are exempt for military service if its against their faith

but the army guy sez their faith is just the bible and its not specific on saying war is bad

they appeal but it runs out and Alvin don't wanna go

but he goes anyway

he has faith in the Lord for keeping him safe

if this were made nowadays it would be the evil Christians forcing the peaceful non Christians to fight their war and have no respect for their gods

he sez bye and gracie gives him a smooche

1 chick asks what they're fighting for and mom sez they don't know

its for englands deviant regent so he wont lose face against his cousin the Kaiser who he hates over the Kaisers grampa doing something his grampa hated

at the training camp the head guy sez to watch out for Alvin as hes against killing

2 guys have to explain to Alvin how a subway is as they are from soviet new York and Alvin never heard of it

later the men get their firearms and the head guy makes comments against his being a conscientious objector

later they train with live ammo

Alvin does super well

the yankee army guys are surprised by his skill

he gives em tips on hunting turkeys

the higher guys give him a chance to get promoted

he don't wanna take life from others as God gave it to em

the army guy gives bible verses that are pro war

but Alvin gives counter verse

so a higher up gibes him a book on American history

they talk about Daniel boone being free

and how Americans have been fighting freedom

but this war was started by the serbs icing archduke Ferdinand

the germans didn't start it

and the brits did a lot to get hate

and iced rasputin

I missed a bit as my fata55 gf kept spamming me about dbz cr-p

so he reads the book and is conflicted over God and country

he remembers the line of; give to God what is God's and give to Caesar what us Caesars

he goes back to the army and gets to be a corporal

later the soldiers go to france

too bad America sided with the brits

we could've done good with zee Kaiser

so they are at the trenches and being shelled

one guy bites it

now I'm a descendant of ww1 survivors

my great grampas fought for Austria

once my great grampa was in a crater

a shell came in

7 guys dead

hes wounded

so later the ameicans go on a mission to stop the enemy thing

much gun and shell fire

an unlike most tv things, it shows people biting it

not just gunfire and people running

they get the high ground ad capture the germans

but the gertmans counter with a rapid fire weapon and mow some down

they're pinned so Alvin goes out on his own takes out the weapon users

he takes out more guys by using a turkey call to confuse em so they come up

he picks em off one by one until they surrender

he catches a bunch but 1 guy throws a grenade and ices a guy

he gives em a warning

they then take the prisoners to the American area

they meet some English allied solders and move on

he goes to another base and they are gonna make em go on

but after hearing it was like 8 guys who did it, they help em

word spreads about Alvin catching 132 guys

Alvin tells a superior about catching em

1 guy asks what changed alvins mind to fight

he sez he iced em to save lives

that's also legit not murder

if someones gonna murder some innocents and u ice em to protect em, I don't think that's murder

but don't quote me

Alvin is promoted to sergeant and gets medals

he comes home and has a parade

I missed some cuz my fata55 gf was bugging me about some cr-p

I think hes meeting the president

the music is really good

touching and special

really fits the mood

but when he got the medals I felt it sounded like it as gonna end

he gets a call from home

oh wait hes in new York

better known as new Sodom

lol

so people want him

2 film makers

Ziegfeld

and a breakfast guy

and they'd pay out the a55 over it

but he don't want cash for killing people in self defence

I missed a bit as I was typing to my fata55 gf

man that chick gets needy

oh I remember

he wants the land zeb had

I checked wikipedea and it said the Tennessee people bought the land and built him a house

the end

that was good

if they remake it, its gonna be violent, swearing, lusty and anti American

don't remake this holly wood

you'd f it up

for sergeant York 2 I'd like for it to be in the 30s and f dr is f ing up America. he chooses to send his goons to beat up people who go against his new deal communism. he also has their arms and legs removed and keeps them as slaves for his dogs to b0ne as a warning to real americans. they come for Alvin as hes a good biblical American and is against communism but he defends himself by blowing off their arms with pinpoint shots that hit the key area. he takes on f dr's minions and goes to free America from him, but f dr has mechanically enhanced his body with cyber items and you gotta  take him on in several levels of run and gun action. its also a 4 player run and gun on sega genesis and super intend with you take on robot clones of f dr and frees areas under his control where he is removing peoples limbs for defying him in amputation factories and has dogs attacking em(you also ice dogs)

Kiss Of The Tarantula Review

Note; this is a lot like my life. typoes and all
kiss of the tarantula
this is my review on kiss of the tarantula(1976 ver)
I should mention as a 90s kid I had a pet tarantula named spidey and didn't fit in with those c-ck suckers at school
in high school I was cooler
it with cheap credits and a girl looking at spiders.
her mom kills it as shes racist against spiders
years the girl is playing with a spider and the mom kills it
she gets upset and runs to her dad doing an autopsy
this is like the Addams family
mom wants her whipped for being with a spider
shes also a real b--ch and goes on a tirade against her husband
she needs a good beating
if she got em as a kid she'd be nicer
later the mom cheets on her honest husband with his brother
theres a commandment against that
oh and she wants to ice him
yet another commandment
later she b--ches at the husband over her hating her daughter
she assaults him
counter strike!
if she throws a punch she shouldn't be afraid to take a punch!
but he doesn't
she later calls the bro and wants her husband iced
but the daughter hears
y'know, people hated chichi from dbz for being loud
but she did love her fam
and never cheeted on em
and only wanted em to not fight so they wouldn't wind up like Goku getting tortured vs piccolo jr
this chick is a full b--ch
so the kid puts a tarantula on he arm at night
spoiler; they aint poisonous
she wakes up and dies of racism against spiders
she couldn't handle it touching her
good
see you in h-ll b--ch!
after they dump her in the river, I mean, cemetary, its years later and the girl is a 26 year old teen like on power rangers
wait, howd she get a tarantula if her mom was so racist against spiders?
was it hidden in a back room?
did she find it in the yard?
If so, they must be south
she not treated well by her a55 hole classmates
later some people and the dad bro comes by
he seems friendly to her
I think he wants to b0ne her
that's ur niece!
imagine darth vader b0ning leia
wait, thats his kid
luke blanking kyro ren
there
that one
star wars gx
ooh, or goten b0ning pan! in dbgt
so the men go off on an adventure and shes alone in an undertaker house
but shes used to it
she hangs ut with her big a55 tarantulas
I see nothing different than playing with a dog
except spiders are easier to take care of
no walks
not feeding every day
just give em crickets and water
and they live 10-30 years
better than 15 for a dog
so a guy named joe higashi I mean penny comes over to her place for Halloween
but he brings some rowdy teens
dumba55 teens? this isn't gonna go wrong
once e and my Yugioh homie were at mcdonalds and he said; I don't wanna sound old but I hate all these teenagers!
so the teens try to take coffins cuz they are necroqueers or something
they hide when they hear her coming
they jump out an freak her out
ten hassle her
the break into the celler and she constantly sez no
then they f with her pets as she tries to protect em
then they kill one for no reason
imagine if they remade this with dogs and they b0ned her dog dead
they leave and shes sad
what about jacking the coffin
then joe penny comes by
the next day joey jeremiah sez the teens are gonna joke about killing her pet and mock her
why not just tie her up and stick nails up her a55 while they're at it?
later the teens are drunk and in a car
they start b0ning
well
that's the end of them
b0ning in a horror movie means they aint gonna make it to the credits
she slips spiders in their door that happens to be open a bit
wo, that's cool.
look at that spider go
spoiler; most spiders hardly if ever bite people
you really gotta p-ss em off to get bit
as a 90s kid I grabbed spiders outta their webs with my bare hands and kept em for a bit
ive never been spider bit
so the siders gradually crawl up the b0ning teens
well, theyre more making out
eventually they notice, freak out, thrash around and one busts a window and cuts her throat
1 guy gets caught in a door, the car moves and it closes a bit ad he bites it
wtf man
this Is like final destination
and somehow no spiders were harmed
ooh, she has long nails
shes just like me
later a guard comes by and finds em
the surviving chick is driven nuts by having spiders on her and is mental now
its like in reefer madness where that guy did chronic and went demented
the dad bro(a cop) talks with his bro(the dad) and they don't know what happened
the dad didn't find anything from the autopsy
maybe it was just teens being stupid?
that tends to happen a lot
dads bro the cop talks with the main chick
but shes distant
she knows he tried to ice her dad
and was b0ning her mom
later she slips the spider the guy killed on his body
then hes buried with it
good revenge
but hes dead
its not like hes gonna be scared of it
plus he went to h-ll
main chick gos to the hospital and tells the nut chick shes sorry and didn't mean to involve her
but another chick overhears and confronts her
the snooping chick tells her bf to find out whats the dealio
man its been 40 mins
it feels like nothing
he follows her by a river
man this reminds me of the legend of boggy creek
the woody area
he sez sorry to her about icing her pet
and he likes her
and he wants to go out with her
they go to the movies at the drive in she spider iced those guys
but shes uneasy
wouldn't that drive in be closed after teens bit it?
he tries to find out subtly what she knows
she sez while talking about movies she likes happy movies
he grills her and gets aggressive so she books it
later she talks to her pet spiders about her feelings about his betraying her
does this chick have autism?
shes got some symptoms
she sez the spiders cant survive w/o her and they need her so she cant be taken away from em
later the bf is sent to go through air ducts to fix something at his work
pretty good filming
ewww
I just noticed this is widescreen
the chick goes to him slowly and releases spiders in the ducts
I'm reminded of that king of the hill ep where dale worked in an office and bugs got out
turbine! nyuuu!!(spins and crushes cockroachs)
the spiders crawl on him and he freaks out
theyre just bugs dumba55!
later hes dead somehow and the dad bro cop finds a spider leg on him
later at the hospital the nut chick sees a small spider and freaks out
the nurse tells dad bro cop about da spider and she wacked it
but spiders are the god bugs
they eat pests like ants and birds
those bird eating spiders think they're so hot
I eat birds too
I had chicken for dinner yesterday
you don't hear me bragging
dad bro cop confronts main chick about what might've caused the guy to bite it and shes cautious
he also sez the ut chick is getting better and can soon tell em wat happened
the snooping chick sez main chick iced the guy
and everyone who busted up her spider that night is iced
but the dad bro cop has no evidence
so the snooping chick goes to get some
she and dad bro cop go to the house at the same time but not together
dad bro cop tells main chick about the accusations and evidence against her
also he sez hes gonna protect her
and he starts trying to make out with her
and the snooping chick sees and books it
he finds the snooping chick and she accuses him of protecting the min chick
so he chases her in the bright dark night
eventually the sun starts coming up and theyre still running
and I ran
I ran so far a way
couldn't getta way
he gets her and kinda b0nes her dead
it does look like that
later its daytime and a black guy finds her
dad bro cop returns and investigates his own crime
that's clever
later the dad has touched up her bod and is gonna suck the air outta her coffin to preserve her
wouldn't that make her explode?
so later dad bro cop returns to the house to ice the main chick
did home alone rip this off??
he tells her he took care of everything and no one will know
and he iced the snooping chick
he tries b0ning her but she pushes him away and down the stairs
hes broken and asks for help
did this rip off that lon chaney movie; he blackbird??
she blames him for ruining her fam and making her ice her mom
but the mom was the bad guy
she seduced him
he keeps saying her name (susan) as she takes out the snooping chick, puts him in the coffin, puts the chick on top, and closes it
this takes quite a while btw
meawhile the dad is heading home
oh and she put him under the cloth lining
ohhhhhh
him and his victim in the same box
just like with the spider and its killer
then dad comes home and sez goodnight
the end
that was pretty nice
simple mostly clean, a bit weird, and good pacing
its a lot like my 90s life
but I didn't use my pet spider to get revenge
lol it sez its fiction and any similarities to real cr-p is unintended
but its me!
except my uncles never tried to b0ne me
for kiss of the tarantula 2 i'd like for her and joey (who was in like  scenes in the whole movie) are grown up and have a family in the 90s. but theres a wasp invasion and it puts the spiders at risk. so she goes out taking on the killer Japanese hornets in a Kevlar suit that covers her all over and is skin tight for better mobility. also shes really pregnant so it limits her movement and her other pregnant friend team up to face the hornets with several items like hair spray and lighters to roast em and blades to slice through em in mid air. the blades can stack like several blades on each arm to have better accuracy. also they have limited time as they gotta poop out their babies soon and they gotta get through the hornets. also its a 16 bit sega genesis and super Nintendo game with you fighting swarms of hornets that an eventually eat through your suit

Island Of Lost Souls Review

note; I spell in American/cr-ppy englisdh

Island of Lost Souls

this is my review on Island of Lost Souls (1932)

its got charles laughton and bellugosi

its based on the h g welles novel; the island of dr moreau

aw gay

h g didn't like this film

and the brits censored the vivisection

but devo, oingo boingo and van halen liked it

ooh, the director also did house of Dracula, house of Frankenstein and ghost of Frankenstein

it starts with the 2000s universal logo which looks really out of place

then credits

then a boat going somewhere finds a life boat and recues the guy in it

this better not be set after the adventure and he tells the whole story

hes freaked out about somone called ruth

the boat hes on is going where his past boat was going

how convenient

he has em send a message to ruth, his future wife

the guy who fixed him us sez he was a dr

later word gets to a place where it sez the main guy is missing from the boat accident

this blonde is bummed but gets word saying her bf is alive

its ruth

as main guy goes for a walk e finds lotsa animals

they meet the captain who's p-ssed at the animals and th guy being brought on

he also thinks low of dr moreau

1 guy freaks out and acts like an animal

they deliver the animals and the captain beats up main guy and h falls into moreaus boat

then they book it

moreau sez he can take some crew and go to his destination the next day

the crew is very beast looking

moreau sez main guy should not out what he sees there

and the island was once a volcano and birds brought seeds to it

he also whips ape like people away

he good with the whip

like earnest evans

and hes from Australia like scott mcneil

when main guy comments on the weird natives(racist) moro sez to take a cold shower(gay)

at dinner they hear moaning and moro leaves

he wants to use him to see if this chick can feel attraction

he talks to the chick about her talking about anything except him, the law and the pain house

he brings her out in a skimpy top and tight skirt and they meet main guy

he sez she a pure Polynesian and the only chick on the island

he asks her where shes from as she dont look like the ape like people of this island

morrow watches but is brought away by a dr

she don't want main guy to go and then they hear screaming from the pain house

he runs over and moro sez get out

he sez moro as vivisecting a human

and he thinks theyre next so they try to escape

they find a buncha mutanty looking people and one is bela Lugosi

morrow bangs the gong and they show up to him

he has them recite the laws

no being on all 4s

no eating meat

no spilling blood

these laws s-ck

I had chicken a few hours ago

also they seem to be worshipping him

main guy confronts moro with vivisecting a man but he denies this

he gives main guy a gun and they return to the house

man its been 30 mins

that felt like nothing

he sez he evolved an orchid 100 000 years and did it to other plants

instead of magic, sci fi uses evolution to do w/e they want

he sez all animal lie is going to human forme

he ditched England for some reason and got a medical guy from prison

he has been evolving animals into human like things

main guy seems to care for these monsters like real people

just cuz they talk

gacy talked

is he worth mercy?

he sez he feels like God

that line was cut from the brit version

like with Frankenstein

the chick sez goodnight to main guy and moro is amazed how shes like a real woman

nowadays that might trigger some tumbler dinks

the next day they go to leave but the boat is trashed

he blames the natives

later the boat from b4 lands where it was going and the future wife asks about her bf

captain buttwipe tries to avoid answering for his actions

hes confronted by a superior but gives em info on where he left main guy

they get a good captain to help em find him

later main guy is reading and the chick talks to him

she don't understand him and seems like a bimbo

he sez he has a gf but she don't get love

the she seduces him and they make out

in the real version they might've been b0ning

she has claws like blanka from street fighter and he runs

he confronts moro over making her out of an animal

spoiler; shes still an animal

surgery don't change what you are

its still interspecies romance

not that theres anything wrong with that

moro sez his using main guy to try to b0ne her was an experiment as she fears him and his dr homie

so main guy slugs him out

moro confronts the chick and finds shes naturally going back to her normal way

he decides to keep going on em after nearly quiting

if you gotta use drugs and hormones to be a certain way, then its not what you really are

its like cutting a hole in ur arm to say its really you to have an open wound

so the good captain and the gf come to the island and the animal people are interested

word gets to moroow about them and he meets em

they reunite with main guy whos name is Edward parker(the fusion of eddie brock and peter parker)

he wants to book it but its night and they got a mile of jungle to go through

so its safer to spend the night

at dinner they eat veggies and good captain asks if they eat "long pig"(human)

after dinner good captain is a bit drunk and tey go to bed

1 lusty beast man (not the he man guy) taes out a bar in the fence and goes after the gf

hes gonna b0ne her pregnant with his mixed species babies!

but main guy scares him off with a gun

momos dr homie gets p-ssed at moro for anting mixed species b0ning and wants to go back to England as jail is better than h-ll

he tells the guys and they go

moro sends the lusty guy after he good captain

good captain wastes a few beast men but is iced by the lusty one

the other beast men confront him for breaking the law but he sez moro told him to

they realize that if they don't follow the law no one will stop em as the law enforcers are full of cr-p

then start a malcontent rampage

they burn down their village and moro bas the gong

moro confronts em but they stand up to him and try to b0ne him dead

is this a thing on 1776?

bela Lugosi gives a good performance about them being non men nor beast but things

they rush him and its freaky with the realistic make up and b/w cr-p

better than cg

the good guys book it but the lusty thing follows em

he gets the chick and starts b0ning her

they kill eachother b0ning

the monsters get moreau to the pain house and cut him up as the island burns

good guys leave

the end

that was pretty good

I like how morueae thinks just cuz hes higher status than the subhumans that they will follow his orders

its like England having unarmed cops expecting crooks to obey the law

this was good horror and a good look at the dangers of science

for the island of lost souls 2 i'd like for the animal people to be living on the island and have learned about the evolution cr-p from moreaus notes. they decide to continue his work for some cr-ppy reason and continue experimenting on eachother to gain power and become strong enough to never be ruled again. also they turn into hermaphrodites and get themselves pregnant and have double inbred kids that are double evolved and have super abilities like psi blasts and bone extending spikes. also its a tournament fighter on sega genesis and snes where you play as one of 16 fighters each with weird chimeric looks and abilities and a character creation thing where you can choose abilities and looks for your character based on several animals and mix/match options