Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Pet Semetary Review

note; ayping
pet sematary
this is my review on pet semetarty
I read the book years ago
my cool 90s aunt had a buncha steven king books yerars ago
and either a sega cd or sega saturn
this is in Mexican or French!
but the closed captions are in american
this is off amc so they f it up often
ive seen this enough to know how it goes
it startas with a fam moving in next to a road trucks go by often
the kid gage (played by miko hughs from lfe with louie) nearly gets run over but the creepy old guy across the road saves his candy a55
later the old guy takes them to the pet semetary
the old guy freaks out the daughter
that night she gets upset over if winstin Churchill(church) bites it
I had a kat as a kid
it ran away and broke my heart
he was my best friend
I had menrtal ssues, gender issues, paranoia
it f'd me up
later I lived with a crazy cat lady(my yugioh homies ex gf)
now I hate cats
but theyre better than dogs
hope dogs go extinct
although later in college i dealt with hippie animal supremacists who go mental over jokes about eating dog(although eating pig and octopus is ok)(note; pigs are smarter than dogs and octopi are smarter than apes)
had my cat lived I might have become one of those maniax
the next day the dad is gonna get the cat neutered
the daughter sez she don't want him to "get his n-ts cut"
she got the line from her maid or w/e
later that day a guy (mr pascow) gets slammed by a bus and his head is busted open
in a creepy scene he rises from his bed, grabs the main guy (a dr) and sez; da soil of mans soul is stonier! then bites it
that night his ghost appears to the dr and is still busted open(with good 80s effex)
he shows the dr this glowing area and warns him not to go beyond it no matter what
and the ground beyond is "sour"
I should mention that the book has a recurring  of the cryptid "the wendigo" but its not mentioned in the film
he wakes up but his bed and feed are muddy
later its thanksgiving and his wife/kids go see their grandparents but they hate him so he stays home
then the neighbor calls and the cat is dead on his lawn and frozen to the ground
I should mention that this film is based on a true story
steven king moved to main and the creeopy guy across da street and pet semetary were actual events
the creepy neighbor brings the dr out beyond the forbidden zone and to a rocky area where the dr digs a hole in hard ground to berry the cat
its an old micmac burial ground that they stopped using when it "went sour"
in the book it had to do with the wendigo
when he gets back the creepy guy sez not to tell his fam
normally that's said when people b0ne
he calls back his fam and his girl talks about the cat
also gage sez cute things to his dad on the phone
later he is freaked out by the cat jumping out near him and its not dead
he talx with the creepy guy but all theorys of the cat being alive are shot down by him
he tells the dr of his dog being buried up there and coming back as an abomination
the dr asks the creepy guy is anyone put a human there and he freaks out saying no
later the dr's fam return and the girl sez she dreamed the cat got hit by a car and he and the creepy guy put him in the pet semetary
later the girl sez the cat stinks!
its cuz its rotting
then the maid or slave or w/e hangs herself cuz shes dying
her funeral has the priest played by steven king
in the book she lived but the creepy guy's wife bit it
the dr saved her b4 and the creepy guy did the cat thing to repay him
that night the girl talx with her dad about the next world  discuss various beliefs
she asks if the maid/slave went to heaven
most say suicide is a sin so she went to h-ll and is probably getting b0ned by mao musollini and mandella
then his wife tells of her older sister (played by a man(like blue in violence jack)) dying when she was alone with her
the fam hated her for being sick
what a horrible fam
they deserve the sh-t they get
like the kennedys
its a curse
pay for your sins b--ch!
later its spring and the fam is having a picknick while gage flys a kite
they turn their backs for a few secks and he's in the road
and a truck is coming
the dad runs like a sprinter and the kid outruns him
the mom just screams "get da baby" and stands there
get him urself b--ch!
the kid walks in the road and stands looking at the coming truck
the dad falls and the kid gets run over
but it don't directly show him getting splattered
it shows the kite fall
a shoe tumbles
the truck on its back(how'd it flip?! is the kid the hulk?!)
the dad (in comic slo mo) nnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
shows various pictures of the kid and his fam between screams of the dad's scream
I know its meant to be srs but I find it lol
at the sons funeral the grampa starts a fight with the dad
he slugs him out and starts kickin him
in the book his kicked his a55cheeks
the dad counters and grampa falls into the coffin
what a horrible fam
im surprised they didn't start eating or b0ning the body
not too far a leap for these maniax
the creepy guy warns the dad not to use the sour ground for his son
he sez its his fault for gage biting it cuz he got the dr to revive the cat
then tells of a ww2 kid who but it and his dad put him up there
he came back as a daemon and they burned the guys place down
in the book the corpse could speak and knew all the guys secrets
usually them b0ning wh0res
also in the book 1 guy brought a bull up there somehow
later the wife and gurl went to stay with the gramparents and the gurl had a dream about the dr, gage and "pax cow"
then the dad graverobs his son but pascow trys to warn him not to
he reasons; if it don't work he'd put gage to sleep and the fam wont have to know
the gurl dreams pax cow warned her so the mom calls the dad but hes not there
when she walks out of her kids room pascow is beside her(she cant see him) and gives her info
she calls the creepy guy but he hasn't seen the dr
the mom rushes over and has a nightmare (which is really freeky) of her sister wanting revenge for letting her bite it
gage too
pascow helps the mom make it to the pet a car by giving people into and somewhat controlling them when tre gonna get in her way
then the dr berrys the gage in the grounds
later gage returns and gets his dad's scalpel as the dad sleeps
the creepy guy wakes up and comes over to kill gage
he goes upstairs and gets distracted by the cat
then the kid slices his tendon
he screams as the kid slices his mouth then eats some of him
why not just grab the kids arm and slug his candya66 out?
he just stood there j-zzing his pants as the kid slowly walked up with an angry face
in the book gage said in an evil voice that he knew of the creepy guy cheeting on his wife and a55 b0ning wh0res
this is turning into springer
I notice theres no nudity or b0ning in here
oh f
I just remembered theres a scene where the dr is taking a bath and the cat drops a dead rat in the tub and he gets out but we only see his upper body and shins/feet
its cut from the tv airing despite showing no nudity now a55cheeks
the mom goes into the house hearing her sister(Zelda)'s voice and finds zelda wanting revenge
but its really gage dressed in a way that makes sense in the book
she hugs him and he slices her up and eats of her off screene
the main guy(who's actually named Louis(like life with louie) wakes up and finds gages footprints and his blade missing
his dad in law calls and sez the gurl is worried for her mom\cuz of a dream
he gets a call from gage at the creepy guy's place and sez he played with mommy and wants to play with him
in yuguioh gx the demon yubel wanted to "play" with the hero in the English dub
in japan it was sadomasochism
he kills the cat and goes to the creepy guys house which is rotted like in splatterhouse 3
he finds the creepy guy part eaten
in the book he sez he was born 1900
but the book is made in like 81
the movie is made in 87
my year
they should put this on the history channel
better thaN; the mummy, tomb of the dragon emperor
or deep impact
so gage sneak attacks him and f' him up
but he grabs gages arm and sticks him with a needle of drugs
gage sez "no fair" then bites it again
the dr torches the place and walks out carrying his wife
pascow trys to stop him but he walks through pascow saying he waited too long with gage
later we hear the creepy guys words about the soil of a man's heart being stonier and a man has to work at night his wife returns chopped up
they make out but she picks up a blade and as it slo mo is about to get it, the screen goes black and we hear the hack and scream
I lijked this one
I even read the book one summer
and catcher in the rhye
that one was whiny and emo
holden caulfleld is a little candy a55 no good jaw broni
coming soon; catcher in the rye, the movie! starring jaden smith as holden caulfield. and megan fox, as his girlfriend added to the film so hes not just talking to himself for 3 hours. its set in modern times and has a rap soundtrack by jaden.
the main lesson of this movie is keep ur eyes on ur kids
i nearly died like 18 times so far
most of which were in the 80s and 90s
my grampa nearly bit it at least 30x
he maDE it to 94.5 years old
for pet semetary 2 i'd like the dad to have been mutilated and thinking hes not gonna last he bury's himself in the pet semetary but isn't fully o he becomes some kind of abomination. his ghter and the grand parents come to find out what happened but he eats them slowly and saving the vitals for last so they are eaten alive. his daughter fuses with the spirit of pascow and gets ghost powers and battles them after she kills em she faces the wendigo in an epic Castlevania boss fight

No comments:

Post a Comment