Monday, October 10, 2016

The Haunting Review

note; I spell bad
the haunting
this is my review on the hanting(60s version)
its widescreen
film it right buttmo's!
no more black bars
it starts with creepy narration for the mid 20th century
now its silly
remember in Urotsukidoji witrh that opening narration?
that was epic
after opening credits we get the story of hill house
90 ears ago(in the slavery days) this guy made a house fr his fam
but his woman bit it b4 getting there
carriage accident
his daughter and he lived there
he married another chick but she bit it too
she fell down the stairs
he then went to England and bit it in the water
the daughter lived in her childhood room for the next many decades
as a kid I wanted to live in my 90s home forever
as a geezer she got a little girl as a slave
but the daughter bit t cuz her slave was b0ning soe guy
the slave lived there and went nuts and hung herself
she was haunted by the chick she lit bite it
the house went to ownership to a distant relative
now a guy who investigates supernatural sh-t wants to spend a while in it
he wants a crew of people who had supernatural encounters
this is getting good
like tim burtons x men or something
he wants to find the "key to another world"
he wants to go to h-ll
to go directly to h-ll
to not pass go
to not collect 200$$
ten this fam is talking about someting and everyones agamst this ginger going to a hanted place
they're aguing over inheritance over the home they\re in
and the fam is against the aunt
the ginger goes to use a car but the car is part belonging to her sister wo hates her\
she gets a letter to go to hill house and is happy to do something exciting
she thinks to herself some weird cr-p
she wants her own home
man this chick is metal
she as random unhappy thoughts
when she gets to the use she finds no one else is there
but the doorman lets her in
she gets in a dispute with the doorman(who is really more of a gate keeper) and he hates her for being from the city
that's racist
at the house she gets freaked out but sez she cant go back
she talks to the doormans wife and at her room shes nervous and keeps thinking to herself with voice over of her thoughts
later another guest comes overhad supernatural experiences or talents, he thinks they
also the house is far from town
like in the texas chainsaw massacre
the new chick(theo) becomes friends with the ginger
they look around the place but sense some thig bad
the ginger sez the house is alive
theo sez the house wants the ginger
she starts freain out but the dr(he guy who investigates the paranormal) comes in and the scary stops
then they go to have dinner
on the way they talk and the r sez the house is slightly off with no perfect angles and doors tilted a bit so hey Auto cloSE
they explore the rooms of the house
hey meet a college guy luke
the dr sez the other college guys didn't come cuz of the stories of the place
after dnner the dr tells the chix his plan
cuz the guests have powers, he thinks they can make the ghosts to cr-p
ginger had stones fall on her home when she was 10
and luke is an esper
luke is a denier and makes up explanations for why theres weird cr-p at the home
the gnger nocks over the salt and thrws it over her shoulder
later the ginger has a feeling that she was wached
oh and theo can tell peoples emotions automatically and know their reasons
oh and the doorman keeps the gate locked at night
and the dr wants them to fill out forms each day
they go to bed and in her room the gngelocks the door
but don't know why
oh and I forggot to mention the other espers invited didn't come
then theres a banging and ginger goes to theo
if this were made today they'd be butt buddies
also they'd be in sexy undies
the pounding stops but restarts outside her door
theo freaks out but it stops
its cold n there but blankets don't help
why not say a prayer?
rebuke it
theres purvo noises of grunting and sniffing
this is turning into la blue girl
but it stops and theo senses its gone
then luke and dr are outside and they didn't see anything
the chix laugh and theres no damage to the door
at breakfast gner tells dr her life story
he tells his life story
she sez she remembers she was freaked out
but now what it felt like
they talk about their feas and luke comes in
someone wrote "help elenore come home" on the wall
elenore is da ginger
she is el now
el goes mental on people
later they see statues of saint francis curing lepers
but they don't know how it got there
theo sez its like the 4 of em
later they go to the library
what is this?
clue?!(board game)
el cant go in there as she smells something
the spiral staircase was where 1 chick hung herself
luke screws around and gets hurt
1 chick (el) has an episode imagining how someone bit it and nearly falls off the balcony
but the dr saved her
later the chix have a slumber party in a room panting nails and gossiping
they also drink brandy
the talk about their lives
el then starts getting p-ssed and don't wanna leave hill house\\
then they all meet in the hall and its cold
in the heart of hill house where the daughter lived and bit it, is next to em and behind hard doors
luke denies the supernatural and sez its a draft
in the mide of a house with 0 windows?
el let her hair down\
she don't look as dumpy
chix look better with long flowing hair
later at night is a voice talking but el tells theo not to make noise so it don't know they're there
theo feels her hand being crushed
and a little girl crying noises
I think its still el\
she cant let anyone hurt a child(pro life message?) and yells
but wen theo turns on the light they are in different beds
the next day the dr sez that if someone cant explain something they deny it
like creation science!!
he sez when people thought earth was flat, round earth sounded stoopid
but when they found how round earth worked, they accepted it
btw, in greek times they knew earth was round
she sez she let her mom bite it cuz she didn't come when she was called
later luke reads a goth poem about lust
it was written exactly 90 years ago tomorrow
the house maker made it
el yells at the dead guy's ghost
theo tells el's desires for a home and husband and el gets p-ssed and goes out
theo sez sorry and that el likes the dr
they argue back and forth for a bit
then a reporter is revealed to have been calling and dr's wife comes
shes a denier and hates his supernatural views
shes a real b--ch by mocking his views and el tells her theres a nursery(where the daughter bit it)
she sez sorry and not to but the wife denies its dangerous
in there the doors are open and the wife and rest goes in
el has some mental issues
later everyones asleep and taking turns watching something
a noise wakes em up
then theres banging outside
it stops for a bit but theo sez its not over
then the pounding get loud
it gets quiet
the door bends an almost busts
maybe someone should say a prayer or something?
el thinks the thing is gonna continue until it finds her
el goes out an everythings distorted
the camera shifts and bends
its like that n64 Zelda dungeon with the halls that turn when u use arrows on the eyes
she thinks the house is destroying itself
she goes to the nursery but no ones there
the rest come in
she thinks shes being absorbed by the house
she sez to a statue they both killed her
she goes off and no one can find her
shes at the library and theres no cold or smell
she sez he broke the spell and is home
so she goes up the spiral staircase that chick hung herself on
cuz she hears or sees somethin up there
but the staircase randomly starts breaking
the rest of the guests come in and want her to come down
but shes in a weird mental state
dr tries to save her but the staircase might give at any minute\
she gets to the top and at a place to stand attached to the wall
he eventually makes it there too
she leans back and nearly falls
but he saves her
if this were final destination, she'd fall but it would be a vision
as they stat coming down she sees a chick pop out of the trap door and freaks out
later the is gonna dr send her home for safety
but he sez she has no where as she lives in her sisters couch
she also sez only she can deal with the house
it wants her
she goes to her car and sez bye to theo
she sez the wife has her place as now the wife stays and she goes
she dives off and sez the house don't want her to go
she drives bad cuz of otherworldly influence
shes glad somethings happening to her and crashes
she bites it
the wife comes out and sez she was f'd with by the house and opened the trap door and freaked out el
the 1st one to bite it also was killed at that tree she crashed at
they say he house has what it wants, for a while
\luke sez they otta burn it down and salt the earth\
we get creepy ending narration about those who walk hill house
the end
that was good
chilling and ominous
very well done
Robert wise did great work directing it
for the haunting 2 i'd like it to be set in the 80s with a new generation of paranormal investigators looking into it for one last time before the place is torn down. this time we see the abominations that haunt the place as they collected enough souls to attain visual forme. they look like monsters made of rotting crotches like in splaterhouse 3 but more rot and more crotch. they are gooey and slimy and gross and look like they're falling apart. also hey grab people with full body hugs and absorb em into their mass. also if the house is destroyed then the crotch monsters can escape the grounds and other places. the characters in the new team look like something out of a glam rock video or a bad anime. also they constantly talk about 1980s video games being new and cool and never going outta style.

No comments:

Post a Comment