note; imma try to type better but this keyboard s-cked a55
Cyrano de Bergerac
this is my review on Cyrano de Bergerac (50s version)
I remember the episode of student bodies where cody didn't read the play and had to perform a scene for class
thinking Cyrano gets the girl as hes the tital guy he chose to play him
then found out the truth
after the credits start the film(mentioning n o one know) the curtains open on a chap play
its pretty fruity but Cyrano keeps interrupting
his feet cover his face like in that tim allen show
holy cr-p his nose is a phaIIus!!
he goes on sage and talks dignified and high class
he threatens to ice people and asks if he has any volunteers
its just a play butt mo!
no need to waste people
this guy's a nut!
after his threat shuts everyone up he sez after 3 claps the guy will go
and he does
Cyrano b--ches about the actor and play being cr-p
then bribes the play guy to close
tis guy's a d-ck
then a chick gushes on him for his skill at everything
a guy talks to him but hes got no tome for him
then makes a big deal about his huge phaIIic nose
wait
hes French?
that explains his mentalness
a guy who's had enough of his cr-p jokes about Cyrano's nose
Cyrano goes rodney Dangerfield meets shakespere and says many various insults about it
then sez the guy isn't good enough to make good insults
Cyrano calls him an A55 and after some disagreements and the and constant mocking by Cyrano, they swordfight
Cyrano narrates his actions in it
holy cr-p ths guy is like calvin from calvin and hobbes
but with batman level skills
he dominates him the whole match
hes just toying with him
lets see ow he does against errol Flynn
Cyrano shanks him after never being touched the whole fight
later Cyrano orders 1 grape, 1/2 a macaroon and a class of water
hes anorexic!
he flirts with a chick
then he sez the real reason he ruined the play was cuz hes jealous of the guy going after chix
he thinks chix wont dig his massive nose
1st; a lot of people have a nose fetish(it is Europe)
2nd, I hear big noses mean big parts!
then the guy talking to Cyrano sez the chick he likes was worried of hi in the duel
then he finds a chick asked to see him and it revived his spirits
then a guy comes up to Cyrano saying a guy didn't like his poems and hired 100 guys to beat him up
they're gonna b0ne him!
btw, you gotta be pretty unevolved to wanna assault someone for saying something u disagree with
that's like animal level behavior
and animals s-ck!
Cyrano guards him on the way home and shanks guys easily
Cyrano is bummed theres only like 8 guys, not 100
man, hes pretty bad a55
like kaiba
he keeps wasting these punks
its like golden axe!
he disarms 3 and they run off
the guy he saved is a baker who lets him use the store to meet a chick
he gives this chick a ot of food and shows her out
mAYBE he likes fat chicks and wants her larger?
the he talks with his crush over their childhood things
they talk about a guy she likes
its not Cyrano
he tries to talk her outta it but shes obsessed
after she books it, guys come in to congradulate him on his win
later some high rank guys talk about current events in the castlevania days
like the play closing and Cyrano
the leader wants no more dueling
later this guy sez he hired the guys to attack em
they talk about don Quixote (eff that spelling! I had to look it up to get it right! x is not H!!)
Cyrano goes metal for a bit and has a wordy monologue
then some guys hassle a blonde guy over mentioning Cyrano's phaIIic nose
I prefer speech w/o malcontents and thugs oppressing it
then to counter em, the blonde mentions the nose in public
it turns out its the guy Cyrano's crush likes
crano ignores his constant nose jabs
he so mental over his massive nose
jay leno never goes mental over his massive chin
or my gf and her 50 inch bust of DDs
the other guys leave and Cyrano and blonde talk about how they both like the girl
they ntice hes got a phaIIic nose and blonde is a male bimbo
so Cyrano decides to give the blonde the words he needs to win her
we get a training montage in flowery speeches
oh and the blonde is in the army
and might be called to duty any time
then Cyrano talks with his crush about some cr-p I'm not really listening to
at night blonde goes to talk with the crush lone against Cyrano's advice
he fails at romance and she don't get why he s-cked
oks it and Cyrano busts his a55
he comes back for round 2 and Cyrano feeds him his lines offscreen(like tommy wiseau)
then Cyrano just talks for blonde using his voice(like tommy wiseau being dubbed over)
and she cant tell his voice is different
the blonde goes up to make out with the crush and Cyrano s bummed
the crush gets a letter (her name is Roxanne)
shes gonna get married
I think its to the guy who sent the guys after the guy
Cyrano bugs him and sez hes from the moon
that explains his nose
hes got kind of a batman thing going as he covers his face and flaps his cape
then the guy gives the orders that the blonde is gonna go to combat
later at the warfront the guy wo sent the guys after the guy talks about his victories
Cyrano mocks him
wtf
theyre fighting spain?
but spain is the good guys!
so is Cyrano the bad guy?
I mean we feel for him being deformed and sh-t
bUt hes kind of an A55
the crush sends a letter to the blonde
wait
its Cyrano sending her the letter
then for some reason the crush comes by the battlefirld and sez "he" wrote her great love notes ever day
you do realize this s building a relationship on a lie and it wil fall apart when the truth comes out
she sez she now loves him for his mindshe sez if he was an ugger she's love him
rather than ell her the ruth he sez Cyrano as something to tell her
wtf
just tell her the freekin truth!!
whas wrong with these dinks!?
he tells Cyrano what she said and they argue over who gets her
for allegedly hetero guys, they try hard to not get the chick they want
suddenly they need a scout and blnde goes out for it
Cyrano asks if she\d love the blonde if he as grotesque
she sez yes
b4 he comes out with the truth, the blonde comes back busted up
what year is this?
crano sez she loves the blonde and blonde bites it
cyano goes emo and the crush notices a letter on the blonde
thy have a battle against the spain
Cyrano kicks a55 in this
they win
Cyrano is a hero and someone plots his wacking
the crush is hangng out at a church and avoiding men
she seems interested in Cyrano
\the guy who wants to stop duels is flirting with the crush and sez people are plotting his wacking
I assume this is like with shutendoji hw they couldn't beat him fair so they got him drunk and chopped off his head
guy mocks him and when he goes after him, a carriage kinda runs him over
hit and run!!
laer hes in the dr's and its said hes in srs issue
goes to see the crush despite it
Imagine if they remade this in modern times and is owen Wilson and ben stiller as the guys and owen is Cyrano cuz his nose is f'd
Cyrano talks with the crush about normal things
he talks about the wee he had
then he starts biting it
he decides to read the last letter from "the blonde"
it a suicide note
se finally gets it that crano was the guy who wrote the poems
wtf this is 14 years later?!
he denies being the writer but she already knows
he sez hes biting it and was assassinated
he sez his mom never liked looking at him
and now he had 1 person who loved him
why didnt he just tell her the truth?!
they could've had 14 years together!!
dumba55!!
man hes taking a long time to croak!
he fights invisible enemies and eventually bites it
but 1st, another wordy monologue!
finally!
hes dead!
that took like 20 mnutes!
the end!
I liked this film
it had class and heart
good culture
for Cyrano de Bergerac 2 i'd like t if it revealed he was part tengu as his dad b0ned his mom and got her tengu pregnant. the tengu attack france for killing Cyrano and they end up b0ning most of the people there. they all get tengu pregnant and their kids are super human like Cyrano and turn france into a yokai pardice while the French fight back in vein agains their superior forces. also, if someone is caught going against the yokai, they get b0ned pregnant all over ad have yokai pregnancy's all over their body that burst out and heal over. oh and at the end the chick is turned into a yuki onna and goes to the yokai realm where Cyrano's soul is and they b0ne
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