Sunday, December 18, 2016

Oliver Review

note; read my cr-p
this is my review on oliver
I recall in da 90z seeing adds for he 30th anniversary and at Zellers on the shopping cards
its based on a book by checkles dickens
it starts with an overture
after crediets with 1800s images we go to a work house for poors
I hate how all movies are about poors
why cant we have successful people?
imagine a batman movie where batman is just a hobo going around b0ning clowns
then some poor kids come in singing about food
all these young males lightly dressed
is this some pedo movie?
and they're brits!!
I have trouble understanding those f'd up clockwork orange accents
also its super widescreen
around 1/2 the screen is black bars
good set designs though
and better color than most films today
the kids don't get to eat until their owner taps his staff
they can sing but need consent to eat?
one little butt pope goes up and sks for more food
the owner goes up his own a55 over it
the kid runs but the guys at the poor place (I cant recall what I called it and don't wanna scroll up) chace him
the kid is oliver
the owner sez hes gonna beat him and feed him bugs for asking more
what is this? the human centipede?
these brits are f'd up
makes me glad to be an ameeican
i'm polish, American and catholic
all I need is irishness and i'm everything the brits hate!
btw they try to make these f'd up brit thing sound light by singing it
the owner takes oliver out and sings"boy 4 sale!"
why not just grind him po and feed hi to the other kids?
btw, going out into the slums with a grade schooler saying; boy for sale??
this is pretty suspect
I expect some fruity guy to buy and b0ne him
lie in degrassi jr high when wheels went hitch hiking and his guy tried to seduce him
some brits buy him and say they're purchase him after trying him for a week
if I buy a pack of yugioh I don't say; i'll see if the cards work and pay u next week if theyre good
also olivers mom pooped him out and bit it b4 telling them anything
maybe he's part daemon
a guy badmouths his mom so he tries to waste him
the adults chase him and he runs out and around
they catch him and seal him in a coffin
this is f'd up!
the owner comes by and sez hes mental cuz hey didn't feed him gruel
meat gave him spirits
no wonder texas is bad a55 and California is candy a55
thy lock his in the celler and theres coffins everywhere
he sings some emo song
then ecsapes and gets to London
he meets a young boy ho looks like a p=mp
he is streetwise and clever
and talks cockney
so I think he is a p=mp
he offers oliver a place to stay and sings about being his friend
if vader sung a song like this luke would\ve joined him
theres really good camera work and choreography
holy cr-p we're like 40 mins In and little has happened
btw the people in England are all dirty and kinda ugly in this film
he brings oliver to a place with young people smoking, gambling and other things
just like in ninja turtles 1990
he meets this scuzzy guy named fagin (fae gyn)
hes nice to oliver
oh and these kids are drinking booze
I remember my dad reading me the classics illustrated comic boo of oliver twist
fagin trains the kids to be pickpockets
I hate thieves
in bible times they crucified em
in samurai times they used em or weapon testing
see how many a katana can slice through in 1 swing
a 3 body blade can cut though 3 men in 1 slice
and there are 5 body blades
fagin makes seducing kids to theft and crime with a song
also he sticks out his a55 a lot in the song
if this were made today it would be about him using kids for h00king and would be a law and order svu ep
I had an idea
svu deals with various fetishes
gay, bi, pedo, gender, necro, pregnancy, fire, teen, handicap...
they otta have an ep about a fat fetish!
picture this
a girl disappears and several months later, a huge fata55 comes by saying she escaped and as force fattened by the guy
they find his lair and theres a lotta really huge fata55 chicks
some over 800lbs
with butter enema's and wearing filthy sweat stained rags, that once were fitting clothes, that they since grew outta
they were chicks he captured and enfattened and b0ned their fat
now they are immobile blobs that he feeds and are to heavy to get away
sounds f'd up?
well, it IS svu
I'm surprised hey haven't done an ep about that already
fagin gets oliver to pick his pocket but oliver s-cked at it
he sez oliver did well
btw, the p=mp is named; the artful dodger
that sounds like a p=mp name
fagin goes to a bar and meets a guy who gives him expensive items
but fagin sez he has no cash and wants to appraise it 1st
we get a song from wat I think are h00kers about how they like their lifes
fagin counts his treasure and oliver wakes up
fagin talks to his owl and notices olivr is watching
so he threatens him with a metal thing
when oliver sez he saw nothing  fagin sez sorry
the treasure is his retirement fund
the next day a h0ker stops by and oliver isn't wearing a shirt
she sez only oliver has manners
the p=mp has other poor kids for a fake carriage and sings a song about doing "anything" for her
8 kids play horses, 2 on each side with umbrellas as wheels and a few others
they drive around the room and fall down
then oliver sez he'd do "Anything" for the h00kers and a "kiss"
then fagin comes in and they kids say they'd do "anything" for him
this is pretty f'd up
fagin pays the h00ker and whines about needing the money to pay for cr-p
oliver wants to join em on a mission(a jacking of others goods)
fagin sings a slight military song about "being back soon"
don't say that!!
in horror movies that's certain wacking!
aint these kids the bad guys?
I mean they're stealing
what is murder but stealing life?
wat is mo les ting but stealing virginity?
they try stealing but the cops go after em
they have several sorta looney toons attempts to escape
oliver goes up on a thing but a train goes at him
so he hides under it and gets caught after it goes
fagin is p-ssed they got oliver as he might out em
the big guy who gave him the items wants him to go get oliver from the courts and fagin sez if he goes down hes bringing others with him
so the h00ker goes to get him
in court the judge is a sourpuss
oliver is too freaked out to tell em anything and the judge sentences oliver to 3 months hard labor
but a witness (who the judge never let speak b4) sez it was 2 other boys who took the wallet
mn englnads courts are f'd up
oliver is take away by some human and the p=mp follows
then intermission
oliver is in bed and some chicks outside are singing about selling flowers
fagin wants the h00ker to bring olivr back
the big guy slugs her out when she wont do it
such a dark moment in an otherwise jolly movie about poors suffering
the h00ker sings about how the big guy still loves her
at the clean home, a guy has oliver return books and pay a bill with a 5 pound note and get 4 pounds 10 shilling change
that don't add up
how much is a shilling?
freekin metric system
the yen makes more sense
maybe even dongs
I prefer dollars
oliver sees a minting of a blonde chick that people say look like him
oliver tries to return the books but  h00ker leads I'm to get kidnapped by the big guy
this is how svu eps start
hes taken to fagin and wants to know what oliver told the clean guys
oliver slaps him and the guy gets oliver on a table with his butt sticking out and starts taking off his belt
good f he's gonna b0ne him!
but the h00ker saves oliver
this is pretty sick
if you made a movie like this today all the people would acuse it of being pro pedo
just show this to teens and listen to their coments
the big guy holds fagins throat and talks about snapping a chickens neck
he leaves and fagin tells the p=mp that the big guy is a violent man and no ones safe
he tells the p-mp(dogder) to look after oliver
fagin gets a song about not being so bad and wanting to go straight
they really like making bad guys look good
except the rich and white guys who beat people up
its like watching cnn
fagin decides to stay a bad guy
meanwhile the clean guy meets with the owner of the poor
the owner had kept a locket from olivers mom for like a decade and never showed anyone
it could've found him a home but they just wanted another slave
that's England for ya
at least the roy als didn't buy and b0ne him
meanwhile, the big guy takes oliver on a mission
ther gives a message to the clean fam
she admits to taking oliver but wont out her partner
she sez to meet at a bridge at midknight
she loves the big guy too much to out him even though hes a brute
sounds like a rapper gf
at night the big guy cuts open a window and send oliver in to open da door
but he accidentally makes noise and the owner comes out with his big dogs
but the big guys dog scares em away
at a bar fagon the h-0ker and big gy meet
big guy has the dog watch oliver and we see the dogs wiener
the h00ker sings a song
the h00ker gets oliver out the the big guy catches em and beats her dead with a stick like dr Jekyll
it doesn't show it but I bet she's all mashed up and busted open
he books it with oliver and his dog follows
he knows the dog could cause issue so he tries to ice it
\but it gets away and finds people after the big guy
the big guys to fagins lair
he wants cash from fagin but fin notices the blood on his coat
then the people who got the dog get there
fagin and his droogs scramble out and the big guy takes oliver as a hostage
as the cops come up the stairs they f--k out as its cr-ppily made and rotting like an englismans teeth
as fain escapes he drops his treasure I  the mud and it either sinks or is dissolved
the big guy tries to tie himself on a rope and has oliver bring the other end of it on a beam
he plans to jump rooftops like the tick
he swings across to the other building but gets capped
meanwhile, dogder picks a pocket
fagin sings about losing his loot and walks toward the sun like in gone with the wind
then he meets dodger and is offered the jacked wallet
they go off singing to stay crooks
oh and oliver goes to live with the clean house
the end
oh and the credits sound like p0rno names
jack wild
ron moody
john watters
wheres lucy morals or jurgen offen?
not a bad film
its pretty f'd up with stuff but its watchable and fun
for oliver 2 i'd like oliver to have grown up and he goes back to free the poors from the place he was in at the start of the 1st movie. the owner of them has started using forced amputations for those who go against him and he uses the pieces he removes from them to feed the kids so they can save cash on food. the kids have become so used to I that they now desire human flesh and when oliver frees them, they go around England eating people. they also have wood limbs with blades hidden inside em and can twist in a way that their bones spike out as weapons.

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