Saturday, December 17, 2016

Turkish Star Wars Review

my spelli ng s-cked. but does the movie?
Turkish star wars
this is my review on Turkish star wars
its also called; the man who saved the world and Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam
my Wisconsin homie wanted me to review this so here I go
after the opening credits of names I cant pronounce(which goes on for a while)
we get narration about how peopled have gone into space and its thousands of years after the space age started
we are in the galaxy age
I gotta say, this sounds like M D GEIST
the solar system was replaced by the galaxy system
sounds like yugioh cards
I sacrifice solar system to summon galaxy system!
civilixations were forgotten and people went primitive
they also looked for immortality
sounds like dbz
all earth races became one group known as the galaxy tribe
I assume that means they wiped out all but 1 race
earth nearly was destroyed by nucular weapons nd there as nothing strong enough to get rid of em
earth was destroyed and its pieces became meteors in space
just like dbz
nucular war continued on other planets and space and earth was being broken up for profit
wtf I thought they busted eatth
this giant space enemy was busting at earth to get pieces of it for cash
but humans made a force field of human mind and will
sounds like that thing in beyblade metal fury where all the blades combined their ki to save the day
or transformers Energon with those force field Energon towers
I hated Energon
its animation was pure cr-p
it ruined trasformers forever
and hat was their 20th anniversary series!
anyway, the force field was made of compressed brains molecules ad was earths only defence
and only a weapon of human will can break it
ad the enemies have no brains so humans spirit is the strongest weapon
that sounds like bad saint seiya
humans send out fighters at the space enemy but none returned
I assume they were b0ned dead
2 of the best Turkish fghters joined the war
but some humans sat out the war
then we get some guys in suits in a base
I mean power ranger guys
I mean aliens
1 guy sez he can take over earth as its weak now
if he can capture a hman brain he can take over earth
then they lanch ships
bt the turk ships are coming
I gotta note that the bad guy ships are x wings and good guy ships are tie fighters
they use a lot of star wars footage in here
they fly around and space battle
the bad guy sez the earths are using magic
the turks beat the bad guys and are gonna return
they gotta do something with guys but 1 guy pefers chicks in miniskirts
sounds like sailor moon
maybe wedding peach
or nami sos
they space battle more but a force pulls the turks away from earth
therex some explosions in space and the alien sez once he gets earth he's gonna be the master of the universe
then fiie asplodes on a planet
we get trippy camera and effects
out of the ground emerges a guy
btw I like how this is fullscreen
oh another guy gets out 2
I think its the turks
they are in some star trek desert
they talk and chat for a while
one suggests the planet is populated by women and they might be testing their courage
sounds like Robotech II the sentinels
they find pictures on rocks
narrator sez millions of years ago they also faced a powerful enemy
1 sez the unknown force brought them to the planet
the picutres looked like nucular weapons and the civilization was advance but wiped out by nucular war
the turks talk about chicks and one has a whistling tune that no woman can resist
he wistles it for a while
then horseback warriors attack
they say they are skeletons
they fig
these guys are pretty good
they escape but this badly made monster attacks
also some robots blast em with ray guns and they fall off the horse
they get caught
they have to fight or be iced in a tourney
I gotta say, seeing real mater on film and no cg is a real treat
it looks grand
better than most cgi cr-p today
theres a sword fight and a guy gets it in the uterus
this big blue guy is comically strangling a little boy
maybe he's gonna b0ne him after
hes swinging him around by his head
its almost funny
the dad of the strangled kid sez not to and gets whipped
after ore killing, the turks escape their ropes and fiht
they use the Indiana jones theme a lot
1 of the turks gets cut up by a sword and the bad guy watching sez the red blood means they are humans
he needs em
the turks escape
and a kid helps em
this blonde treats their wounds
a blonde turk? I knew they were white!
I mention this as a while back these malcontents went nuts over someone saying Santa was "White"
they said; hes not white, he's Turkish cuz of saint Nicholas!
2 things
1st; santa is an amalgamation of many things such as Slavic and Nordic legends
esp the Nordic pagan god Odin.
so a Nordic god isn't white?
2nd; turkey (and many north African countries) are considered white
think of this
turkey is across the street from Greece
are greeks white?
Greece is next to Italy
and itanliano's white?
Italy is next to Slovenia and Austria
are me and fred Astaire white?
white isn't just blonde hair and blue eyes
like sailor venus(a Japanese school girl)
the blonde looks like sayaka from hokuto no ken 2
the turks talk about how nucular weapons nearly wiped out the world when war broke out cuz peope were too solemn
happiness seemed unneeded
and if people knew how to smile they would have peace
sounds like good advice for liberals and feminists
they are usually so disgruntled and malcontent
always hating(ironically in an effort to "stop hate")
1 guy sez to a royal looking guy that if the earth men aint a magician trap they can save em
the royal looking guy sez hes a scholar and he has knowledge that can save the universe with them
and they are all humans
and the turks ancestors came from that planet
the people used technology not to destroy but for happiness
they talk and its revealed thousands of years ago, earth was busted by the 1st nucular war
pieces of it went to space  and the planet they are on is a piece of earth
I get it
the parts of earth survive
even if earth is busted
now it makes sense
and this earth part's ruler, the magician(not the 90s fox kids show) rules it
and the turks arrival puts the people in danger
the bad guys use the millennium falcon to get to earth
the main bad guy sez he has an advantage over earth
and waited 1000 light years to destroy em
light years measures distance!
its like; I've waited inches for this time!
the turks go through the caves they are in and finds mummies
they arise and also nunjas come in
wait, theyre monsters
they attack the kids the turks fight em
they run and seal themselves in an area
then a bear monster comes in and busts the kids
kids biting it?
this film is bad a55!
the kids bodies are put in rock things and their blood goes into a guy's mouth
the kids are turned into mummy monsters
1 turk trains by hitting rocks
he lifts rocks as weights
this is like saint seiya where ikki and shun punch a tree
or fatal fury where andy bogard hits a tree
the turk trains and splits a rock wih a karate chop
his blooddy hands are treated by the blonde with herbs and spices
Kentucky fried hands
then the turk trains by tying rocks to his legs as weights
just like in dbz
soon he's jumping high with the rocks
wont that f his joints?
its a training montage like rocky or team America
soon hes busting rocks with kicks and kicking rocs like soccer balls until they asplode on walls
btw, when is tim curry gonna be in this?
I heard on animexansion that he was or wasn't in this
the hey have a lunch of bug fries and snake stew
to be fair; my grampa and dad made Slovenian blood sausage
and on the farm they had pigs feet and pig brains
that sounds like fear factor
at least we didn't eat the reproductive parts
the cats ate those
then the bad guy punishes people for helping turks with is weird magics
I think he microwaved him as they look rotted
then they turn into power rangers monsters
he turk sez bye and leaves saying they'll meet again
he kisses the blonde on the forehead and sez he's gonna come back
then kisses her lips
she hugs him
I assume thy were b0ning in the real version
the turks leave
1 sez the blonde is human
they go to town and all these weird monsters are there
and I think some are b0ning
2 bat up this teenthe turks help em by fighting
ev ry bo dy was kung fu fi ghting!
he fights the power rangers monsters who were rotted guys
then the bar they were in is empty
and the bad guy arrives
he sez they cant ouch him and he can multiply at will
he sez hes everywhere and immortal and symbolizes mans bad raits
sounds like bad yugioh
alo he has all powers since mans creation
that's over powered
he makes the color of the screen change and sez the turks are alive on this planet as he brought em there
he needs em to beat earth and no one escaped his power for thousands of years
he can get anything he wants at any time and he wants earth
sounds like a millennial or spoiled brat who thinks everyone owes him
like kids in college who report people or disagreeing with em
buncha candy a55 dinks!
he shows the blonde and a kid and sez they are his too
hes using the turks love for em as a weapon against em
they go away and he sez he wants the turks to come to his palace and him to be their friends
this sounds like a 16 bit role playing game
then turns the color back, disappears and robots appear
they bring the turks to his palace
the turks came of their own free will and got new clothes
the bad guy wants the secret of human mind powers 2 break he resistance
so he sends the queen to break their will
this is turning into a p0rn0
like cool devices
A robot brings the turk out and the queen appears to the other one in a skimpy outfit
maybe this IS a P0RN0!
f, caps lock was on
I ant rewriting dat
they talk and offers him to rule with her if he gives her the secret of human will
he refuses
meanwjile the other turk is taken to see the bAD guy
he offers to team up and rule together
at least hs not trying to seduce the turk
the turk sez hes gonna beat him cuz the bad guy Is afraid
when the human power unites it can beat him
they chat more for a while
the bad guy shows him a box wth a humn brain in it
when he gets the turks brains he can fully rule
so why not just take em already?
what r u waiting 4?!
what r u waiting 4?!
he sez hes beyond time, immortal and 1000 yeas old
and offers to share immortality
then has the blonde and kid brought in
then taken away
the turk fights some monsters then
this goes on for a while
he karate chops off 1 red guys arm and stabs I'm with it
while making out with the queen, the other turk suddenly has he queen vanish and monsters appear and hold him
they're gonna b0ne him!
but he fights em off
then more of the turk fighting the monsters
he karate chopps off a bear guys leg
then he turks meet up and kung fu fight
to quote micky from pee wee's big adventure; great film pee wee! action packed!!
then they get stun blasted by lasers in a hard to under stand scene
the bad guy has em held under huge stone blocks
they are then gonna be berried alive
dirt is put on em
but they get up
the mumies take em to the arena to fight and affect their self confidence to control them easier
the queen sez the turks are stronger than the bad guy
he then uses his magic to turn her into a rotted zombie
then into a spider
in he quarry like area like in power rangers the turks fight a big werewolf guy
1 does anyway
he jumps over him
a lot
as the earth was broken into smaller parts doesn't hat mean theres less gravity?
he kicks he monster and beat it
jump kicks work well in beat em ups
one turk is taken and the bad guy wants to take over his brain and gain his power
also the turk has a nice moment with the blonde
he goes to a tomb of some guy and he royal looking guy is here
they talk about religion and relates it to this film somehow
a bonze mountain protected people from radiation
and gathering the mountans power by melting it into a sword will make something happen
and scholars gathered long lost human goodness and knowledge into 1 brain
the sword and brain are on this part of earth
his daughter(the blonde) hasn't spoken since he hid them
didn't she at something b4?
I cant recall
shes taking the turk to them and he has to pass trials
man, that sounds like a bad video game
both anime and video games ripped this off
was this popular in japan??
they walk a bit and he kung fu fights knight ninjas
this would make a good video game on sega genesis and snes
the other turk is hooked t a machine and lights blink
the turk goes through a cave with the blonde
they come into a weird church thing
it says early followers were driven into underground cities and Jesus was their guide
their cities were thousans of meters(the metric system  s-cked! say yards!) under ground and had advanced tech
in 1 rom they find this weird sword and it has statues that are obviously guys in suits
he takes the sword and fights the statues
also is the brain in a box
they relate Christianity to Aztecs and the magician reached immorality at last
he had mind powers and iced a lotta people
the blonde sez he did it and she can talk as he blade and brain were got by a mortal
they find the captured turk but hes different
then they fight
this is like I a video game
then the turk turns into a were ape cave thing
so the turk stabs it
turns out he captured turk is still caught
the turk uses the blade to fight knight like guys
also he captured turk's brain cant be captured as its thoughts are connected to the other turk
the blade turk cuts down monsters and runs around
it like in a video game where b4 the final boss you get the ultimate item and the minions cant stop u
he blocks gunfire with his blade and cuts down robots and other monsters
then frees his friend
the captured turk wants to sword
but to cut up the bad guys
he wants the power
captured turk; do u think ur the ma who'll save the world?
sword turk; as much as u think ur Casanova
reminds me of
hay Vasquez! u ever been mistake for a man?!
No, have you!!??
high fives
so aliens ripped off Turkish star wars
they fight over the blade and 1 turk is KOed
the captured turk goes through his clothes and takes he sword and bran
he goes to the royal looking guy and wans to know how to combine the rain and blade
why not just squish the brain on the blade?
he gives the guy them but the guy turns into the bad guy
the bad guy uses force pushes and busts up the turk
the prequel trilogy of star wars ripped off Turkish star wars!
the sword turk comes in and is attacked by the bad guy
but nothing happes and the bag guy vanishes
the royal looking guy sez the magican took the sword and brain
and he can destroy the world(like Anubis in yugioh the movie)
he sez; save da world
then bites it
after he sees a brain cooking
the bad guy sez he combined he brain and word and as he royal looking guy's powers
and he can imprision them forever if they resist!
he captured turk sez this is hisfault and runs off to avenge the royal looking guy
then asplodes
the other turk brings him back and they have a tacked on sad moment
then he bites it
he turk sez tears are a sign of knowing joy and evil don't know tears or the after of them
that sounds like hokuto no ken/fist of the north star
the turk dips the sword in the burning brain in a pot and it melts
then he dips his hands in it and gets power goves
he can punch down stone doors
he goes out to fight the bad guys
I thought the bad guy had the sword
the robot gets the blonde and the boy
as the turk fights bad guys the main bad guy fires blasts at him
but he dodges em by jumping
then the bad guys get ready to destroy the earth
we get clips of star wars where the death star blasts
the turk kicks a hole in a pink guy
another pink guy is karate chopped in half sideways
he then pulls and punches heads off monsters
the bad guy sez hes indestructible and to save the earth the bad guys gotta destroy him
is that a poem?
in a fight the turk pulls off a mummy's head and throws it at another mummy, which then asplodes
its like a grade schooler made this movie
I love it!
like axe cop or something
most of the fight is just clips of the turk fighting and then clips of star wars and clips of the bad guy saying; da urth iz mine!
\the turk fights a robot with lazers
btw, I just realized the golden gloves the turk wears was ripped off by Zelda
and mixing weapons to make a bigger one was used in Castlevania and shining force 1 with the main sword
he busts off the robots head and it asploeds
he fights more monsters
I wonder
are those his new hands now?>
or can he take the gold off
he pulls off a werebears head and it asplodes
he fights the main bad guy
the bad guy throws 8 pointed stars of david at him but he jumps
is he a ninja?
in high school a guy was making ninja stars in shop class.
the teacher asked; ur not making ninja stars are u?
he replied; no. its a star of david for my Christmas tree(4 points and some longer than others)
eventually (after much random star wars clips) the turk is fights the bad guy and he shnes light in the turks eyes
then he stops and the turk jumps around
he kicks a rock and it asplodes on the bad guy
then he kung fu's him and pulls off his helmet
he beats his face and chops him in 2 with a karate chop
head to crotch
theres an earthquake and volcano
he arrives and everyone cheers
they say bye and he sez bye as hes going home
he flies off in the millennium falcon and sez; there wouldn't be a world without humans
and there wouldn't be huamns without a world
cuz humanity is the most important thing in the universe
he who creates peace is truly human
is that a poem?
the end
wtf did I just watch?
w/e it is, I love it
its fun and exciting and cool and cheap and low budget and cr-ppy
I never cared for real star wars(Robotech is better) but this as enjoyable
I don't hate star wars
I just never was impressed by it
I also never liked donkey kong country or super Mario 64
I couldn't get a handle on em
i'm more of a sega guy anyway
but I liked this film and thought it was cool
for Turkish star wars 2 I'd like the turk to return to his home place and find it was taken over by the bad guy's forces while he was out. but they don't know the main bad guy bit it. and they don't believe him when he tells em. so its just him fighting through various stuff and fight clips taken from power ranger and beetleborgs and vr troopers and masked rider. also the blonde arrives to help him out having watched him train and copied what he did and now she is player 2 in this. oh and its a 16 bit beat e up on sega genesis and snes and the game has sprites taken from other 16 bit and 8 bit games.

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