Monday, October 25, 2021

Practical Magic Review

 Note; i spell without the black arts

practical magivc

This is my review on Practical Magic from 1998 (The year of the Global Civil War in Robotech)

its based on a book i never read and was directal by Griffin Dunne who did movie 43

aw f--k! its directed by i mean produced i mean writtwn by akiva goldsman who did batman forever, batman and robin, lost in space, the da vimnci code, angels and demons, the dark tower, annd trANSFORMERS 5

it stars sandra bullock, nicole kidman, Stockard Channing from Grease 1, Dianne Wiest from Edward scoissorhands, Aidan Quinn from Benny and Joon, Caprice Benedetti from Shaft 4, Evan Rachel Wood fromThe Ides of March, Mark Feuerstein from What Women Want, Lucinda Jenney from G I JANE and Thinner, Margo Martindale from Lorenzo's Oil, and a buncxh of guys i never heard of, ooh, 1 is Croation!

i nevdr saw this b4 but its on tv and ooh, its produuced by denise di novi and has music by Alan Silvestri who did mac and me and the suiper mario bros movie

so after credits we get narration of chicks blamed for everything and now their ancestor was a witch who got hung in the past

aslso she had some kinda magic that she used to break the rope and everyone runs off

she was banished to an island pregnant and no one came to see her, so shecast a spell to not feel love that became a curse that kills the familys bf's

narrators husand bit it after hearing the death beetle and now she lives with her witch fam

also kids dont likethe kids  for being witches and now they practive the lack arts

1 grl has better magic than the other and fantasizes about her future bf as if he dont exist, he wont die

thn uses some E T sh-t to sends flower pettles to the moon

then its the 90sor w/e andthe girls are adults and kidman has a bf and sandra is a nerd

they talk about living together forever and dying on the same sday and cut hands and mix blood  as blood rituals are used in evil

so kidman is burning through guys n a grand tour and sandra misses her and wants to be normaL


then shes married and has 2 kids and is going well

kidman is a party chick and has a butt buddy who seems like the crow or something who i',m pretty sure she's b0ning

then in bed with her fam, the killer beetle toll;s for sandra

she truys to ice it as bike guys go by him safely, but then a trick slams his a55

sandra goes to her raisers whosay they cast a spell thsat got him to er but they didnt know he'd love her

sandra wants to bring him bak but it wqouldn't be right or normal, like FMA or Pet Semetary

she dont care and dumps her kids on her aunts or w/e and sez "don't liet em do magic"

holy f we're only 20 mins in

so kid man is with some ewuropeany guy andputs some sh-t in the booze when hes not looking

then a cool effect of day to night or w/e as kid man drives and san dra wakes up in bed with kid man

sand wants to open a shop and chats with kid man about her but buddy from eastern europe and has a weird vampure thing going (But not f-kkin ghey like twilight)

kid man is drugging him for time away like a reverse polanski as hes not being butt hammered

thensand wakes up and kid man aint there and goes to te shop as 90s music plays

kids yewll that these girls are wutches and 1 girl pointsand sez "i hope u get chicken pox" and the people are scared

sand sez not to do that and she whines abnout sand having all this powwer and not using it

at hope where sand and girls now live; the older ones ate telling of the familys black arts past

sand tells em not to do that and later writes an emo letter of her feelings

she mails her letter and the phone ringsand this chick is scared and needs help

sand is going ouit and the older ones are gonna take the kids to a demon ritual like in haxen fromthe 20s

sanfd goes to kid man and gets her as her eurotrash bf slugged her after she said something that offended him

kid man goes to get this item but sleezo is in the car its in and catches her and makes ssand drive as he drinks and smokes

sleezo goes on about cowboys and kid man sends a messaghe to sand where her drugs are

sleazyo tries to brand kid man but sand uses the chaos to get the bottle and drug it

after whizzing and the drugs shoulsdvekicked in by now, he gets back and strangleds kid man and sand get on him

so he blacks out as he OD'd and kd man Prays to The Lord to get outta this

Good that your going back to the Light,ut all that daemon magic...

kid man thinks they're gonna get the chair and decides to use black maghic to revive him

his corpse takes a beat down as its dragged and bumped, but if it were guys doing that to a woman, it would be "hate"

so they do naecromancy and avoid needling the eyes , draw a pentagram in whipped cream, and say the daemon worship words

his eyers open as they didnt needle em and he strangles kid man fore not being his wife and sand frying pans his head like shes princess peach in smash bros melee

they bury him in the park or backyaRD OR W/E AND the next day the ladies and kidfs come back

so later sand is in class and kkidman comes in a 5kanks it up

oh its the pta and sandara is now the top of the phone tree as thisis pre e mail

later in da garden somethings moving f--k andthe sandra, kid man and the ladies hare margaritas and drnkenly party\

kid ma calls the aunts old hags and they ramble on aboutr drunkeness

black arts and booze?

what next? cocainum?!

they realize the bottle wasthe one sleezo had and kid man shatters it in da sink

aunts (like in sabrina?) see the sisters did something but leave em

aunts give the kids the hanging rope to protect them and 1 girlknows theres a man under the rosesand wont go out

kids tell sisters that austs told em to clean their own mess and outside this rose bush grew overt night

the sleezyos feet poke out from under the ground but go under

they chop the roses and a cop comes by asking to see kid man as he's working on a case

holy cr-p its aiden quinn

sand tells kid man and says she can't lie to him and kid man sez to say she left after getting hit and hasn't seen him

ai deed naht heet haa sheez lai ing! eets bool sh--t! ai deend naht nbheet haa! Ai deedf nahhhhht! oh hai mark!

cop saw her letterand sez he need s to find him and kidman 5kanks up for him and reads his palm

cop knows she is lying as the sleezoes car is there and sand screwed up ly rambles on

cop revealsd the sleezyo had other victims he branded and wants help finding sleezo

cop looks through towen and they bash the witche, even 1 eityh cvhicken pox

ar the shop cop is there and seez a guy who has some issue with his head product i think goes on his parts

cop sez hes gonna see sand the next day and at night kid man goes out and tells sleezo to go away

latwer kids are making a spell with kid man and can;t let sandra know as she donty do magic

kid man tells the kids of the imaginary bf and talks about the good feelings and dangers of love

so cop comes by and asks about the drugs and how witches use it and she sez they ate witches and ice their husbands

she sez how they just make herbal remedies and donty worship demons(spoiler; where do you think magic comes from?!) and how theres other kids of magic

when asked if she's hiding sleezo she sez "not in this house" and if sghe iced him says "a few times"

cop throws the pancake high and catches it and later they have pan cakes

cop uses syrup but the girls throw it in the sea\

a grog eats it and burps up a ring and cop sez they better get a laywer

the sisters b--ch at eacvh other over sand faking being normal and her kids aint either aND KID MAN WANTS HER POWER

sand is gonna tell the truth to cop and at his placesees the letter she sent was read a lot

she sez sleezo is haunting them and says "if i did ice him, would i go to jail for ending a guy like him"?

which is mad max logic of thrtowing out the laws

cop sez sleezo needs to ber punished and she sez he was

cop offers to help her and smooches her for a bit

then they smake outy andshe sees he's got eyes like her dream ghuy and stops and gets out b4 b0ning him

sand hears a voice and runs home and her kidsa re freaked outsand finds kid man posessed by slewezy and his forme come sout of herbod

ghost b0ning?!

thats naecrofilia@

cop is there and stands off with sleeso and dleezo reaches in cip but stops cuz the star on the badge burnsd his ghost hand

cop holds the badge ip and sleezo poofs off in dust

later sand tells what happened with sleezo and cop is confused

he sez her letter and her brought him here as he read it 1000x

sand sez she sent for him as she made this love spell asking for the perfect man that wouldn;t exist but now it do

now she dont know if hes here for the spell or if he actully loves her

he sez curses only have power when u belive, and he dont

like how gravity only exists if you notice it

f--kin loony toons logic!

oh and he asked or wished or w/e for her too

later kidfman hugs sand and starts lezzing out and is posessed by sleezo so sand backhands her 65kank a55 intio the bookshelf as the aunts and kids arrive

they tie up kid man(ike ms pac man?) and aunts need to remove the spirit to h-ll

sand calls the phone tree and comes out as a witch and the other ones spread the word

so they prepare the ritual and theres all these frogs being sommoned like in Exodus

so theres a parrfy and all therse people who feared her and here for her and trhey go to do the ritual on kid man

but shes a ghost and is haunting them!

they wrap these brooms aroundf in a wirrd hard circle and chant

the house grows flesh and slime and crothc monsters arew summoned!

jk thats splatterhouse 3

so evenatully kid man spazzes out and jerks around and falls on da floor in the broom edged circle

kid man wants to let sleezo take her so the rest will be safe and we get the sad moment ervery film gets

sand sez they were to die together and gets the curcle back together and gives posessed kidman a bottle of booze

kid man spazzes out and the chicks grab her as sdandra cuts their hands and mixes blood and the memories blast light and kid man is free

the black sh-t dust from sleezo goes up and falls and the chix sweep it up, throw it outside, and dump boiling cr-p on it to seal it

later a report is sent to sandra to say the wacking of sleezo was concluded to be an accident

thern 90s music as aiden quinn returns and makes out with sandra bullock

then its halloween and the sisters are plauying witrches on the roof in high heels, jumpo off the roof and float on black umbrellas

i think its said the curse if pbroken somehow now

then aiden and sandra make out

the end

thats not so bad

good color and lught and 90s feel

it promotes the black artsa but tells a good story

i didnt see the plot twists  and it was pretty fuin

good romance story and good msuic and feel

good acting and effects before cg ruined everything from overuse

glad i saw this

its a decent one

For Practical Magic 2 I want the aunts to reveal to the sisters that its time for the final level; pledging themselvees to a daemon who their maghic comes from! but sandra dont want it as she dont wanna be evil. So the witches say if she can complete this task; she will be freed from the daemons grip. its also a 32/64 bit game on n64, playstation, sega saturn and panasonic 3do where you go through these haunted woods and castles to fight bosses andn get items needed for the ritual to free yourselfd from the daewmon, but in the end it just summons it and you need to fight it as the game boss

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