Monday, October 4, 2021

Troll 2 Review

 Noye: I spelll pretty awful, but this movie is said to be awful too, so it fiots

Troll 2

This is my review opf Troill 2 from 1990 (The year Rick Hunter and Max Sterling were born in Robotech)

Its directed by Claudio Fragasso who did nothing i saw and was produced by joe d'amato who did a bunch of horror and p0rn0

it stars Michael Stephenson, from touched by an angel and no one else i heard of asd most were not actors but dentists or w/e who went to be extras and got lead roles

the crew were el italano and ther cast weren't so there was lanbguage issues (and not just swearing)

it was made as the directoirs wife was p-ssed oof by her freinds turning vegetartian

how in case you never heard; we have; the food chain; where higher life formes feed on lower ones. and humans arfe at rthe top

you got; the dirt, the plants and worms, the plant eaters, and everything else!

for a human, at the top, to be slumming at the bottom, is like a mcdonalds CEO working with the grease monkeys in the kitchen!

this is ratyed one of the worst movies ever made, like its by tommy wiseau or tom green or tom six

also its originally gonna be called Goblins, as no trolls are in here, but was marketed as a sequel rto Troll, like super mario 2 and doki doki panic

lol 1 guy who was given a large part smoked a bucnh of chronic and wqas high tyhe whole time

like how on the crow most of the crew was on blow

i never saw this b4 but know of it from the meme; they're eat ing her... and then tyhey're go ing to eat me... ohhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyy gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

so it starts with a guy long ago oost in thwe woods and some some devolved gmidgets are there who are goblins

its a grandpa telling his grandid a story about how goblins are evil, which isn't allowed in D&D anymore as itsx "racisyt" against daemons and sh-t

then we see the goblins going after this gfuy in the woods to 80s msuic

so the guy falls  and he sees a blonde chicjk and falls in love with her

she gives him something to eat that looks like pistachio pudding and its really a shapeshiftying goblin

also he sez goblins still exisddt and he devolved into a planbt man like swamp thing or man thing

then the goblins ate him and in the real world; mom comes in and grandpa was not really there as the kid was seeing things

turns out the grandpa bit it and now his ghost is here or something

is this the 6th sense?

mom sez to banish him from his miond, where as in real life you should keep your loved ones in your heart

mom sez they are going on vaCATGION TOMORROW and that goblins dont exist

then we got this 80s chick working out to 80s music but she';s not super beefy like a go nagai chick

dad sez they are going to NILBOG a town of 26 with no tech

are they amish?!

so wife asks dad about da goblins and all these guys have bible nakmes liekl seth and michael and joshia

so kid senses something and uses a flash light and findsa teen looking in the mirror on a ladder and freaks him out

then he goes to the chicks window, goers in and scares her

its her bf and she sez if her dad found him there hes cut off and eat his parts

her fam hates him and she hates his droogs and she invites him to go to nilbog

also a fam is swapping homes with them and she don't want his droogs with him, but might b0ne him there

then we cut to them driving and bf didn't show

good f--k the way they talk if f'd

they talksuper eooden and stiff

also bf and his droogsd are comming in an rv

so kid wakes up mand is devolving intop a plant from eating too much and his fsm arte goblins

but its just a dream, or maybe a vison, no its not real

on the way there they see this guy weith a sign saying stop thema nd he stoops to "throw up"

itys his grandpa and he sez they shoul;dnt be here

but the fam dontsee him and they continue on

the droogs are by the road and somehow hogot ahead of them and chick gives em the finger

so the fam gets there and the fam they are swapping with are cold and sterrn like they dont got souls and have weird scabs on them

as they go the boy throws a baseball that sayus "eat b4 we eat u"

inside is food put out and kid heads ngrandpa at the window telling them not to let em eat

if they eat it, the'll be devolved so grandpa stops time foir 30 secs and he eventually p-sses on it offsxcrfeen

dad brings son to the room and sez "you can't p-ss on hospitality" and how he had reasl hunger as a kid so he has more practice in hunger strikes

was he from the 30s?!

so in the rv is the froogs watching a movie about an ape a55 rocketing on an egg and this one guy who looks a bit like martin sheen meets the dad from liszzie mcgrure wants to b0ne

he goes out and sees a chick and chases her to 80s music asnd tackkles her down

shes worried about monsters and sez they made her eat stuff and then therse goblins show up

he thinks they are just devolved midgets and tells emn to go, so they throw a sperar in him

the droogs think he's being b0ned from that scream and gl;asses guy and chick escape to some kinda cxhurch thats ike something outta conan inside

in it is a spacy pale chick who serz shes oif druid blood from syone henge

they need a dr but she sez theres no hoispital ajndthey cure themselfs and give them broth made of plant ccr-p

drespuite it smoking like dry ice, sey drinks it and she devolves intrio a pplant after going uypo stairs and spazzing out

also he cant move and the boblins come out and eat her

he sez the line and thenlater chick is in the bathroom looking at the mirror and gransdpa's face shows up and freaksd her oput

dad goes in to see it and theres no one there now, so he thinks its not real

i guess its not a bathroom and she dont wanna sleep there, but kid will and is wearing a g i joe shirt

kid talks to grandpa shows up as he got the wrong room and sezkid has to get em out as mom never listened to him and married that good for nothing

hay kid! uur dads a p o s! u got cr-ppy a55 dna!

so da next day the droogs wanna get food and 1 goes out to buy some

at the family, theres no food but bad milk, no eggs even so dad and son goo oot toget food

droogis running and a cop gives him a ride amd gives him a sandwich

good f--k we;'re a,ost half way through

nothings happened!

so droog is drpoppped oof at the stoore and they dont serve coffee, eggs or bacon asa thewty're vegans  but offer him milk for free

1 redneck sez his glasses friend sed to meet him in the old church

he goos there  but 1st druiuid chick talks to a plantin a mental weird way

oh the plant was glaasses and he;'s devolved

so kid sees in a mirror that NILBOG is GOBLIN backwards

droog is kinda fd'd and drops the milk after lookimng in it and itys f;d

then druid spazz comes to the fam and gives them this food she made

shes got f'd teeth

kid wanders around town unsupervised as i gueess their dad is j-rkin off and eating it, and he finds this hole iin the floors a55

what if the hobgoblin or green goblin from spiderman came here?

so he sees a guy saying howw eating mean is bad like some kinda twiotter or tumbler beta male

is that prtreacher billy raye cyris?

kid moves a board thats not in the f--king way, and it somehoe moves his sk8bosard, whuich he never had b4 this part, and iit falls and the guys grabn him

so chick goers to see bf and sez choose her or his friends and hits him

if a guy dfodf that to a womanb it wouldf be hate

so the goblins are gonna make him eat sh-tty ice cream and eventuallly his dad showesup and slaves him

he sez they aare goblins and are gonna eat him and theyt all have the scab and nil bog is gob lin backwards

also the fam they swapped homes with is there saying robotically "we had car trubble"

so dads drivuing son ands they see chick b--ching about bf having friends like that guy who shot up degrassi but gender swaoped

dad tells bf to come bny his place if he wants to talk and he diitchers his last homeboy

so sandwiich droog comes to the church and glasses is too devolved to talk

he eventtually rrecogoinizes glasses ands pulls off a piece of his face wood and he can talk now

he's stand8ing in a poty andf is being slowly draghged out and druid chick comes in, b--xh slaps him to the bed chaiinsaws glasses aas he laffs

so da fam goes to this chuirch or party or salloon or w/.e and theres all this food there

kid warns emn but dad sends him to his rooms

nowadays people weould say this  kid is oner of those anti vaxxers warning the people who dont believe him

kid calls for grandpa but druid shows upo in the mirror and a goblin jumps through the windiw

then granmdpa axes off the goblins hand, and like the hermaphrodite in apocalypse zerpopo; she loses her hand too as she was linked to it

diruid rregrows her arm somehow and granndpa gies kid a moolotov coocktail 

they're gonna torch the plasce buyt billy rasyt takes it and uuses a spelll or w/e to try to send him to h-ll

grandp[a uuses lightening force to zap the molotoiv and it blows and cooks the billy ray

dad fire extinguishers him bt hes a cooked goblin

its like that thing on that beach

tthe town is against them and they escape to the house

then the subn goes down like in yugioh season 5 but w/o an eclipse and the cop tells em to eat the sandwiches or tewy'll waste em

so the fam lights candles to summon grandpa and eventually da wind blows oout the caNDsles and grandpa sez they have til 6 til he goes away forever

they gotta focus their ki or w/e to beat them

btw im watching this on comet so its censored

da gobstoppewrs break in and fighrt the humaans and later kid wakes up and wanders around

the gobz attack the fam more and kkid is in the druids l;aiur aND A PLAND GRANBS HIM

imagine if this wee evil dead?

so kid fights a goblin and grandpa bada55 backshands I aND Gioives kid a thing to ue when he needs it

also is a styone henge stone that powers the goblins

so the gob duunks are gonna get da famm aand vsanish cuz siomeone was calling em,

at da stone, grandpa is going to the next life and says good power can beat the goblins and goes

then druid grabns kid anfthe gobbers get him and her face devolves more

did this rip off halloween 03?

so the kid is gonna be fed the green sh-t and he pulls out A DOUBLE DECKER BALONY SAANDWICH and eats it and the gopblins spazz out

i jjust realized the kid being named Joshua and saving em is like Jesus in the bible not being believed but sAVING em

so da fam shows up somehow and push the stone and the goblins euyes pop and they spazz out and died

so the fam returns home and goes on seperate things and whhen mom gets back theres apples in the ridge aND MOM EATS 1


did he get his corn popped?

so kid hears sh--t and goes to his mom in the shower and finds a baseball saying they ate the mom

he goes in da shower and sees green ooze and dfiunds the apples wwere breen and the gobnnlins are eatuing his plasnt mom

also thry blurred out her fakke t-ts

1 offers him some  and he screams and the movie ends to 90s 80s music

the end

btw, the mom eating the appller and getting icev is abnother bible ref

title annd optical effects; steve poe, like erdger allen?

so yeah that was troll 2

i thought its good cheesy 80s

yeah the actings bad and stuff makes no sense

but its got a good messdage of fighting vegans

itsa soio weird its entertaining and the effects are kinda gory and cool

and i just finioshed sonic x so PlaNTs being the bad guys is cool

nowadayus trhe goblins would be the good guys, punishjing the "evil" humasns for eating meat

soy milk: for when homo milk is too straight for you

i thought its enjoyable and hhad sdome unintentional fun

sorta like the room

its kinda like it was made by a middle schooler and if you blurr out the finger and bleep the swears, its safe foir kids

then again; i saw the omen at 12

glad i saw it

For Troll 3 I wwant it to be the 2010s and the goblins have takken over! the kid is in the Human Freedom Klan and leads a group of bada55 dudes freeeing people their slave camps and getting animals from ttheir protective custyody to be eaten. also they fight with boe atrmor and weapons made of animals and say "BONE UP" to power up their bone armor and weapons. Its allso a 16 bit 1-4 player Beat em up on Sega Genesis, sners, tg16, atari jaguar and GBA where you play as the now growqn kid and his beefed up fruends who fight goblins and when an animal walks on screen, you can beat it til it bursts and use the  meat chunks as health power ups

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