Friday, January 21, 2022

The Thing Below Review

 note i spell like aa cr-ppy dreamcast game

The Thing Below

This is my review on The Thing Belkow fropm 2004 (The year some Robotech Comics happened)

Its dfiredcted by Jim Wynorski whos a polish purvurt but makes good movies like Munchie, Ghoulies 4, Deathstalker II, Dinocroc Vs Supergator and a bunch of p0rn0, Oh andf Chopping Mall

It stars Billy Warlock friom Halloween 2 and Baywatch, Warren Christie from 1 ep of Flashpoint, Catherine Lough Haggquist from Alone in the Dark, Glori-Anne Gilbert from Sub Zero and a buncha guys IO never heard of

Its infamous for its really bad CG that looks like a bad 90s Arcade game

I've seen it before and its not awful but is so bad its good

So after footaGE OF an aircragt carrier and people walking arouindf to creitds that looiks like a bad 90s show, something blows and we get a flasdhback to 16 hours b4 wherte some gov guys talk about some ship that went missing

btw this is widescreen so its black bars

so off florida this research ship is in a storm and these nerds scientists are in it and looks like rudy gulianni and thery have this thing they got from the depths in a glass thing

the general in the base dont wanna tell the guy doing compurter sh-t for him what the cargo on the ship is and the captain on the ship wants to change course but is toold hes not allowed by a gov guy

btw by florida all kinds of weird cr-p happens, and its on the opposite side ofnthe planet as the devils sea of japan

so the storm rocks the boat and the nerds carrying the glass tube that looks like that thing that blows in Sonic Advenguire 2 battle drop it and it breaks

this Sega Saturn CG things grows and extends a tentalce out and goes into a guys gut, then out his mouth than strangles anopther guy as the scientyists watch,m then run

its so unreal its funny

1 nerd is punched into an electric thing and bites it and the 2 survuiving nerds  hide in a room and sprting the alarm and radio the captain

they see a nerd on the outside of the door weanting to come in and not gulianni opens it for him, only to see he's full of tentacles that get him

remaining chick nerd springs the alarm and the ship blows in a fireball xl5 and i guess it was the self destruct thing

the general wonders whats going on and wonders why the ship vanished and calls da prez whos in the bath and is told by him to find the creature

later on an oil rig a guy sez the wind makes it too hard to drill and the pipes might burst if they go on which will put em back a year top fixc it

they talk about a guy coming in the storm and then this boat comes through and thisd sandwich eater guy talks abotu how they gotta keep this schedual for a guuy who pukes

oh and the oil guys talked about using a laser drill like its mega man

on the oil rig they hear a signal of a mayday but theres no responce from calling it and nothing on radar

oh the oil rig guys found the cgi thing in the drilling in da urth and its radio active

did this rip off The Thing on the Fourble Board??

its only been above ground 72 hours and they know nothing about it

i gotta be honest; i'm having toruble keeping track of who all these dinks are and dont care much about em

so then this black guy goes around the boad and sez they storm is f ing the boat but the puke guy sez they need the supplies on da oil rig my sun up and sandwich guy pulds an oar on him

some crew, incliding a woman, play cards and the chick wins as women alweays do in movies as men cant be the winnders to the superior females or it makes ghirls spazz out

1 guy has a lot of photoes of this busty blonde p0rn0 star that he probably j-rkls off to a lot and mans a machine

in da storm the black guy falls off but they pull him off the side of tyhe boat with a rope and the sea looks like a n64 game

sandwich guy goes out with a gun and caps the rope on the boat holding it to something and another guy, oh the cowboy, caps it and the supply ship goes off so tyhe ship isnt taken out

like the eurtopean union selliong grece so it dont drtag the rest of the economies under

so then we see guys in space suit like things going around this place and something attaks

at da gov theres no contact with the lines to the places they sent guys and i think that was the oil rig the space suit looking guys got iced in

the next day the boat with the crew heads on and sandwich guy reminizes about his WW2 Vet Navy Dad i mean viet nam nacu dad and hes got his life coming together  but copmpares his life to his dads from another decade

so they can't radio anyone as thgeres no signal and blonde guy and chick talk about the p0rn0 chick who won some XXX Star Awards

At the gov base a congressman of some lardo's a55 got wind of it and wants an inquirey and a gov guy sez ther're giving out medals to the guys who bit it to say it was an acciodent

like marliun was "accidentally" iced by r fk?

on the boat nearing the oil rig 1 guy shows the one black guy a photo of this baby i think he's related to and chick is uninterested as her fam got iced in a train wreck 3 years ago

so at the oil rig called the sea ghost, as this movie has several titles like It Waits Below, Sea Ghost in Canada, and Ghost Rig 2: The Legend of the Sea Ghost nin soviet england

so they get there and black guy senses something and the whole thing looks like its greenscreened in and they go over a history of it

it ended in 95 and the gov boguht it and used its drills for classified sh-t

this black chick is guiding em and they pull guns in case something comes outta the elevator but its empty

they go to the lower decks and its said the doors and hatches were sealed by a system and they come out to a slight mess

black guyide sez they collect samples from the earths core and thery found something in it

what about the hollow earth theory? maybne they found some daemon from it?

so p0rn0 guy i think, but it might alsdo be baby picture guy checks the= wires to get the elevator working again and the rest go off and leave him to bitye it

in the lab its f'd up and she sez the thing they found got out and 1 guy sez to ice it to protect themselves

guiude sez they drilled 15 nmiles which is 2x as deep as anyone ever went (in my butt) b4 but they wanted a new source of energy from the earths core

i'm poretty sure the earths core is more than 15 miles in

also this is ripping off devilman the 2004 movie

so they drilled 14.5 miles and dfound an empty chamber and it was radio active and they founbd living sh-t in there and took 2 samples

so tech guy gets the elevator working and notices something and then the p0rn0 star he likjes is there in a cheetah print dress

she sez she's making a movie and he wants her toi sign his photo of her

she goes in a room and when hes therte a second later, shes in a new dress and there's torches and she's doing a sequel to his fave xxx fi,m

then she does a sexy dance with fire in the background and talkes off her robe to show her b00bs

then she goes to him, opens her mouth, and a cr-ppy cgi tentacle comes out and wraps arouind his head and seems to icehim

so back in the lab the puke guy sez the thing might still be alive and sandwich guy sez to split up and look around in pairs to look for the missing guys

guide sez the code is Jules Verne and p0rn0 guy isn't answeing, but then he does and sez the elevator is ckomming along

cowboy and black guy are 1 group and they talk about compasring saloons to ghettoes

chick and i think family man are another team and cowboy and black guy fiind a messy place with a pepsi machine and cowboy hears something and bnickers with bnlack guy

chick and guy team talk about having dinner and maybe b0ning and she hears train sounds and spazzes out a bit

thisd is seeming to rip off The thing, espm the booke forme where it reads minds

guide sez she started here not long ago after the last team was replaced by a better crew and shes skilled in geology

gov guy i think is puke guy calls on his small cellphone and asks for info but hears something from the phone and talks about his future plans to retire and go to fiji

well, thats the end of him!

the govv guys on the other end hear the thing got out and tell him to get the data back there

main gov guy i mean general wantys to end the mission and gives em til 1700 hours b4 he sends a team to attack so he';s not sent to alaska to fight on the grand cannon in the 12st robotech war in 2010

the sea eye eh found out about this and general tells em to wait

sandwich guy opens a drawer and finds files and puke guy comes back so he says he read in the files that they found something in a meteor and its topsy cret

guide sez they found life inside it and wait, they said mineral, not meteir, i'm watcving a spoeed asl;tered video of it on youtube edited to fill a part of the screen with a background around it

sandwich guy bashges him for sacrificing lives to try to get it and he rteplies there was protocall

then a tv comes on and a nerd on it sez its dangerous and even though he's locked himserlf away, he sees and hears a voice

then chick calls and sez they found something and they go to her and find a guy on a medicxxan table and guide scans him with her blackberry AND SAYS her's staBLE

sandwich guy sez to bring back the team to the med lab and black guy leaves cowboy to return

cowboy hears a horse and finds a wild west town in a door and goes through it after calling black guy who dont come

in it he sees another cowboy wantint to getta reward from catching him and they duel with pistols and main cowboy beats other cowboy but other cowboy opens his mouth and a PS1 Tentacle comes out and necks main cowboy

black guy asks p0rn0 guy to return to da med lab and p0rn0 guy tells him to  check the elevator and goes in it

it oipens and a Sega CD cgi tentacle thing comes out and black guy caps it but it gets him

the alpha team waits for the other members who 1 of em sez they got a blockage and gotta go around

but guide sez sometrhing they saids seems outta place cuz he sed mr or something and shge cxhecks the nerd tapes

nerd tape sez he dont know whats real now and guide sez the thig can read minds anbd make you hallucinate

sanddwich guy sez to the guy on a come that "guys from georgia can'tr fiond their way w/o a hoprsde" and voice agrees then he tells voice to stay put

its revealed the guy he's talking about is from soviet new jersey and hates horses and voice knows it

then he calls on the copm for the others andf voice sez "they with me" and main guy sez it can't read minds from a distance

the table guy is awake and spazzing out and the gov is sending in veritechs to nuke the base

table guy dont klnow what happened to his crew but sez how he was in a germ free area and the thing they found feeds on flesh and blood

maybe its a daemon

pray it away!

in flesh backe a guy took a blood sample aND dropped it and spazzed out

when he went in he saw this chick who was dead or something and she tried to open the thing so he capped her and ran to the med lab

the thing tried illusions to make him open trhe door by saying its his superior, then his woman wanting to b0ne, then his fam wanting to go fishing

Its a good thing on having determination and menmtal fortitude and resistance to temptatoin

so tabler guy (didn't this happen in Virus with Donald SutherlAND AND ther Resident Eviol Chick? Find 1 survivor in a mutation thing sea place) sez he saw a guy going stairs

guide is gonna go bt sandwich guy stops her as shes emotiona and trhey dont know whats real

So they go out with guns andare gonna look for the professor and get out

then sandwich guy taslks with table guy and i guess tyhey are brothers as they talk about his dad and how sandwich guiy was in secret things on missions when the dad got it

then we see his mission of shredding people with gunfire like its contra in a base level

table guy dont buy it and they get in the elebator and chick sees her memory of her fam getting iced in the train thing

even though its clearly an illusuion; she ruins to her kid to help him and finds her fam

we get a sugary moment and she resists it as she knows its not real and didnt justice league unlimited do thisaa with Superman in that hantasy Dream with his son he'd never forget?

So she runs from them tio the guy ashew was with saying she goit away and he opens his mouth and a tentacle comes out and gets her

ther general talks with some guyabout the thing and sez not to let anyone get near it

in the rig the gang finds a blood stain and why were the other 2 away from them?!

thery see the dr and think its might be the thing and guoide is his woman

puke guy shoots the dr and dr gives them the data disk to kill the thing

he was the real dr and spazzes out and bites it and puke guy whos a gpv guy beats down sandfwish guy and aims his gun as table brother aims at him

puke guy tells table bro to drop it or he's gonna ice brother and brother lowers hus weapon

sandwich guy sezx puke guy knew the whole time what was going on and he denies it and wants the disk so he can use it to get out of gov issues and leave em to bite it

as he reachers for the disk, sandwish guy kicks his un away and fights him and they are in a cave now like bad outer limits and sandswich guy wins

an army commander sez gopod work and that this purple AND LIME green cAVE was the things home for 2.2 millionm years like f--king devilman

his ship crashed here and he was sealed awy for yuears and now can get out and sansdweich guy sezx the thing iced his homies

the thing sez he was here beofre their kind evolved and he's the REAL earthling

then bro jumps in this warp hole in the caves a55 and brings out main guy and the guy with the general comes by and puke guy greets him

even though its obviousdly an illusion asdd theres no way he'd be here, he hugs him and the guy opens his mouth and a thin tentalce comes out and wraps his head

in the real world they see a huge a55 tentacle grabbing puke guy upsidedown and jerking him away like its f--king beetle borgs on fox kids in the 90s!

the 3 survivors runas playstation 1 tentacles come after em and they escape in the elevator

the brothers are cool now and guide is gonna self detonate the base as bases have self nuking options built in somehow

but the system is deactivated and they got asplosives near by convienently and they throw em in the elevator with a 30 sewcond timer

it blows with cr-ppy effects and they jump into the sea and the gov guys in thebase say something s scrwewing up ther radar and general sez he's not taking the fall for this as the other guy sez the see ai eh shou;ld take over as general f'd up

then the troops take off in a chopper and the survivpors are on this tugboat and they have the data disk in case the thing comes off the rig

then the guide morphs into the gov guy and hes the thing the whole time

da f--k sense does that make?!

is it truyiong to rip off michael jacksons thriller with the end its there?!

then we see the cast names with clips from the film we just saw like Space Balls

the end

that was a ride

the cr-ppy cgi was the best these guiys could do and it would be good in a 1994 game, but this was made in 2004

still, i kinda liked it

had kind of a 32 bit charm

the acting was fine and the the adventure was kinda standard, but i liked it

its one of those cheesy budgedt tb canadian films that is entertaining

sorta like canadian cg dolemite

but dolemite was more fun

still i had a decent time and it had some good ideas of temptation and resistance

its actually by Corus which did YTV stuff in the 90s

how they devolved

but beisdes post 00s ytv, this wasn't so bad

For The Thing Below 2 I want it to be on the boat and one of the guys facing the monster shape shifter to swear by his creator to beat him and mentioning The Lord causes tyhe monster to cringe, Realizing that its a daemon and can't stand holy things, he behgings saying bible quotes to stun it as the othert brother looks up the disk on his 90s computer on the boat. Its also an 8 bit point and click game on Nes, Gameboy, Sega Master System, Game Gear, TG16 Arari Lynx and 7800 where you play as either the speaking brother who has to choose the right option out of 3 to fit the Bible Quote, Or the other brother who has to solve math puzzles and trivia things to unlock the info on how to beat it. And in the end its revealed its a special prayer that seals it.

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