Monday, July 25, 2022

Bend Of The River Review

 Note: I spell bent

Bend of the River

This is my review on Bend Of The River from the distant future year (to Andrew Jackson) of 1952(70 years before Robotech II The Sentinels)

Its directed by Anthony Mann who did T-Men and is based on 1950 book Bend of the Snake by Bill Gulick which I never read

It stars the woonderful Jimmy Stewart from Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, It's a Wonderful Life, Rope, Rear Window, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, How the West Was Won, The Rare Breed and An American Tail: Fievel Goes West, Rock Hudson from Giant, the 50sw A Farewell to Arms, Pillow Talk and Embryo, Lori Nelson ffrom Day the World Ended, Chubby Johnson from the gayest p0rn0, jk from 7 Faces of Dr. Lao/The First Texan/Calamity Jane/Abilene Town/Overland Pacific, Harry Morgan from m a s h, The Ox-Bow Incident, the 40s Madame Bovary/Inherit the Wind/ How the West Was Won/the 80s Dragnet movie/1 ep of The Simpsons, Jack Lambert from Abilene Town/Blackbeard the Pirate/How the West Was Won, Royal Dano from The Red Badge of Courage/Moby Dick/The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn/the 60s King of Kings/7 Faces of Dr. Lao/Moon of the Wolf/The Outlaw Josey Wales/Little House on the Prairie/Killer Klowns from Outer Space/The Dark Half, Frank Ferguson from T-Men, Fort Apache, Santa Fe/the 50s A Star Is Born, aand a bunbca 1900s guys i  never heard of

i never saw this b4 but heard it got good reviews

so after logo and opening credits and title over wagons moving, its in proper fullscreen and nice color

also its by universal who did exo squad

so jimmy ruides a horses a55 and eats and has the wagon thing stop as they are by water and he can get his shirtt cleaned by soime chick

he goes off to scout ahead and finds some guys gonna striing up  ahorse theifn and saves him as hes got a gun

he and the theif ride off and the guy denies taking horses and jimym sez he saved him as he dont like lynchings

jimmy wants to try farming or ranching aND IS WITH THESE WAGON GUYS as they are good

hangman knows of himmy and when they go back to the camp they find signs of indians in the area

hangman sez his name and jimmy knows of it and they go to eat

the wagon head says he wants to go across the mountain and jimmy sez its too high and if they go up there trhey'd be stuck, like the donner party

theres somwe night birds singiing and some are from soviet cANADA

theres a girl there who might like the jimmy and hangman knows the sounds in the woods are indians

a girl gets j fk'd with an arrow and they snap the long part off as the camp fires

jimmy sez to hold their fire until they can see what they are firing at and save ammo

jimmy goes through the water and into the across the stream and hangman is back up wiuth a blade


they go in deeper and hangman knifr throws anothe indian out likeits castlevania

they go around ending indians and sneaking aroiund and jimmy fight swith one who snuck up on him but jimmy caps him

later its day and jimmy gets his shirt but it was in the bucket used to put out the fire so its got a hole burned in it

jimmy and the group go on and hangman is told by jimmy hes trying to escape his past and hangman wonders what will happen if the wagon guys find oout

so they make it tyo townand theres a river steamer and they are from missouri and they wanna go on the steamer

the cook thinks he knoiws hangman and they get the arrowed girl to a dr

dr sez to leave it alone and it'll fall out but jimym sez its not him who has it and dr goes to look at it

at night the wagon guys order supplies and they should be there when they are in the place in the spring

ther arrow is removed and she needs a month to rest and theres thhis black guy who likes her hair

she has to stay behind for a 1 month and a sassy black maid will look after her and they'll bring her up later

shes bummed and jimmy comforts her and in the party, rock hudson comes in and wants to play poker with em

ohhhhhh rock hudson plays a guy from san fran sickioso! too soon!

jimmy dances with a small blonde and talks with her about guuys and she thinks hes a geezer

in the poker game; rock hudson mn x caps a guy who drew from the bottom of the deck and seemed to know of hangmans past, and i think hangman was the one who capped him when he pulled a gun

head of the wagon guys sez he heard hangman was a raider on the missourii boarder and to not trust him as 1 bad apple rots the barrel

they goo oof oon the river steemer and we getta montage of them making theirn homes in the woods as a guy talks abotu what he wants to do

so its later and they made their quiet inbred redneck mountain town and the supplies hasnt shown up yet

jimmy and wagon boss sez missouri and kansas were good like this b4 a bad guuy came and f'd it all up

so jimmy and wagon boss come back to the steamer town and its a sh-t hole of violence and lust

apatrently there was a gold ruish and now everythign is much more expensidve and i think this is like dertoit

the items were not delivered as they were ordered not to and jimmy goes to see the town boss in a bar

oh its thew hang man and he works for the boss with rock man hudson and they are chummy with jimmy

hangman is said to be as fast as the raider from missouri who he says the name of jimym s character

jimmy goes to see the arrowweed chick and finds shes living in the sinful city and chooses to stay there but seems like its not true

hangman has her as his woman and has befouled her and jimmy says her dad is in town

the boss makes money by jyuuing the guys who need his services and jhimmy wants him to send the food they paidf for

he dont wanna and can get more money for it AND WHEN a drunk jimmy got to help him pack toe food reveals hes packed it, boss pulls a gun

jummi flips his table on him and hangman caps soem guys,m gives jimmy a gun and they shoot their way out as the town catches fire and burns

holy f that escalated quick

so jimmy and friends escape on the steamer and town boss and his goons try to head em off at the rapids

horses, which need food and rest, are gonna outrrace an steam boat, which needs neither?

somehow river boat guy nsez the baddz will get there 3-4 hour b4 em in the rapids and arrowed chick is married to hangman but dad dont appprove

i assume the hangmman is onna get it and the chicka nd the jimnmy will get together at the end

jimmy plans to go through a road in the mountains and when they get out they unload and jmmy givbes the chick a ride on the hordse in the water

after the work is done the workers wanna get paid and the jimmy sez afetr they get to the town

they dont wanna and jimmy offers to give em 400$ worth of food and when they dont wanna, hangman shoots by em

wagon boss thanks steam captain and they have a clean friendship moment which makes people think they wewre b0ning nowadays

so they go over the trail up high and they are getting tired but jimmy wants em to go on harder to avoid the town boss

the hired help wants to betray the jimmy to get the food and sell it back for a huge profit

so thwey got like a 2 hours b4 the town boss gets to em and wagon boss takes the cattle to a pplace in a box canyopn or something

they got a storm going and start a camp and hide iin the upper areas and j fk em like its the grassy gnoll

wagon boss retreats but is snipered and jimmy wants to let em go but the other dont wanna

they say town boss was a nice guy until he found gold, like the erich von stroheim movie greed

as the wagons go on they come by some gold diggers who ordered food frtom wagonm boss and when they hear hes in h e double soviety california, theyy offer 10x ewhat its worth

wagon boss cant give up his food as they hardly got enuff for the camp and its worthh more than money

the diggers are told to go back to the town but they dont wanna as its expensive

oh and they looks like the guys from deliverence

so the wagon breaks and as they change the wheel, the workers drop it to cruch the good guys who only wanna help and try to take over

wagon boss is hurt and jimmy and hangman take em down but jimmy nearly puts a knife through em but holds back as the arrowed chick is scared of it

wagon boss is ok and still dont trust hangman as he thinks if you go bad, ur bad for good but arrowed giurl, who imma just call chick from now on, thinks people can change

look at the right honorable jeffery dahmer, he was a purvo cannibal killer, but he found The Lord in jail

if someone as awful as Dahmer can change, theres hope for anyone, even trudeau!~

so jimmy talks wiith hangman about if the wagon guys will accept him if they find out his raider past

hangman wants to give the food to the gold diggers but jimmy think its worth it to help the wagon people

so later the thing goes on and rockman hudson zx goes with a calf on his horse

they get up on the top of the peak and the wotrkers grab and beat up jimmyand take his gun

chick wants to stop it and hanbgman smakes em not ice him andsez they work for him and they are going back to the plACE TO i mean the town to sell the dfood

chick doent like hangman anynmmore and is gonna cap him but is caught and he likes women who can kkill

they are gonna go to the gold diggers camp and hangman sez he's gonna see him later

jimmy vows to get him and be in the dark one night and end him and they leave him on top of the peak with no horse food or gun

but jimmy is the hero and is gonna go jean claude/stallone/arnold/segal/dolph/willis, ect

so the workers go onand 2 stay behind as the wagon f'd out and they see jimmy coming

1 guy gets a rifle and goes to end jimmy and then its raining and rock hudson goes up to the campfire where the workers are to say how the ridfleman didnt come back

hangman cant taker it and spazzes out and when 1 guys ez"whats the big deal? its only 1 man" hangman blows him ouyt

someone is firing from a distance at em and after that, hangman is worried and wants to take anothe rtrail

1 worker goes to take out jimmy and the rest stays back and eventually theres a gunshot

this just went full schwarzenegger

so they ride on and its day time and as they go on, chick lets loose a horse on the wagon for jimmy to get

so they get to da river(of no return?) and jimmy is hiding and j fkl ing them

they wonder how he got there and they blame wagon boss for cuttin lose the horse

he takes the heat and gets the beat and when rock man huidson zero legends objects, he gets a bullet in the head

hes ok and hangman goes off on a horse as his goons give covering fire

the workers run off and jimmy comes back and he, chick and her dad the wagon boss, drive the wagons

hangman goes to the gold digger camp for reinforcements and the wagons go across a hard river

so jimmy is in deep water in a wagon and the baddsz come for him and he rides a horse and wait, its hangman on the horse who snuck around and got in the wahgon to death match against jimmy

rockman hudson 4, dad and chick fire on em and jimmy and hangman fall in the river and fight in it

theyy fight as they sweepo on and jimym beats hangman out who then sinks beneith the wacves

don worry, hes gonna be ok, he was saved by some guys downstream

wagon boss sees jimmy has a rope scar on his neck and knows jimmy was a kansas cuityy faeggot o memnan rtaider

he sees the error of his ways and knows men can change and they get to town and rock hudason 1 flirts with the small blonde

jmmy is the hero and gets the arrowed girl and is a hero and waity i said that

the end

that was well doone

nice action and good bada55 characters

jimmy is cool anbd while saving hangman did help him, he went on to be a blight

like unions of nuking japan, if we keep it up, it does more harm than good

sorta like an 80s action movie with a strong cool tough guyy kicking a55 agaiinsat a group of malcointents

nice message of people can turn goodf, but only if they want to

we are who we choose to be

we see that jimmy has done wrong but wants to attone and chooses the light, where as the other guy chooses the dark

it tells a good stoey ands holds up tioday where iof a guy says 1 thing wrtong, the media malcointents want him ended

For Bend Of The River 2 I want the hanged guy jimmy beat out to be saved by catfish daemons who he makes a pact with to get revenge on the town, also jimmy has married the chick and shes really heavily pregnant with 3 kids and is looking forward to them coming out. The catfiish people attack and the dad knows of them as he heard stories of them as a kid and knows this blessing you can do on your bullets to make em end them. Also its a 128 bit 3rd person run and gun game on Sega Dreamcast, GameCube, Xbox and PS2 where you play as jimmy and go around the mountain area fighting bears and sasquatch as yyou collect items needed to make the blessing for the bullets as the catfish people attack, and the game boss is the bad guy of the last film but devolved into a large fleshy grotesque abomination by fusing with the daemons and you gotta attack his key points, which are big orange swellings that show up on him

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