Wednesday, July 27, 2022

Wild Wild West Review

 Note: I spell like this film is

Wild Wild West

Thios is my review on wild wiold west fropm the distant fuiture year (To D W Griffith) of 1999 (The year Robotech happened)

Its directal by Barry Sonnenfeld who did The Addams Familin 91, Addams Family Values, mrn in bleck 1 2 and 3

it stars will smith from independencer day 1,  men on black 1 2 and 3, Enemy of the State, al i, I, Robot, I Am Legend, Hancock, and the bad aladdin, Kevin Kline ffrom the disney The Hunchback of Notre Dame/The Tale of Despereaux/ the bad Beauty and the Beast/Bob's Burgers, Kenneth Branagh from Chariots of Fire/Mary Shelley's Frankenstein/the 90s Othello/The Road to El Dorado/Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets/Rabbit-Proof Fence, Salma Hayek from From Dusk till Dawn/The Faculty/Once Upon a Time in Mexico/Bandidas, Ted Levine from Escape From New York/The Silence of the Lambs/the 00s The Hills Have Eyes/Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, M. Emmet Walsh from Escape from the Planet of the Apes/Back to School/Harry and the Hendersons/ A Time to Kill/William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet/The Iron Giant, Musetta Vander from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation/O Brother, Where Art Thou?/The Cell/Boy Meets World/Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Xena: Warrior Princess, Bai Ling froom The Crow/Touched by an Angel/Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow/Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance, Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon from Manhunter/Coming to America, Rodney A. Grant from Dances with Wolves/Geronimo: An American Legend/Ghosts of Mars, Ian Abercrombie from Young Frankenstein/The Ice Pirates/Army of Darkness/Addams Family Values/Pocahontas/The Lost World: Jurassic Park/Mouse Hunt/Shrek/Rango/Happy Days/Touched by an Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction/The Batman, Ismael East Carlo from Patch Adams/Eraser, Debra Christofferson from Mouse Hunt/My Favorite Martian/White Oleander, Derek Mears from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest/The Hills Have Eyes 2/the 2009 Friday the 13th/Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters/Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters/the 2014 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie/Alita: Battle Angel, and some guys who aint on wikipedia

I never saw this b4 butrecALL bURGER kING HAVBING a thing to propmote it in 99 and me and my brothers ta;ked about Pokemon Rumors for the next game

I hear the movie gopt sh-t on for being bad, but i like em bad, so maybe i'd like this

Its based on a tv show from when my rents were young I never saw\

oh wow, this woon rAZZIES AND THEY changed the main character black for this

so after logos we see a guy running iin the south in 1869 from wghat he calls a giant spiderand is killed with a saw blade with a spider on it

then openning credits for as few mins, then will smith with a chick making outin a water topwer

bounce bluured out her b00bs even though theres no nips

some guys working for grant come by ad will is interested in em and they seem to satart to b0ne

the water tower falls over aND NAKED will smith covers his 7 pounds man thing with a hat and beats up the guys there

i think thery werent grants boys

then we see kevin kliner having put on womens clothing and hanging about in bars and the gguy wjho sawed the guy b4, with a fake ear is his target and he uses a boxing glove on a flower to k o a guy who wants to b0ne him

will smith gets dressed as he fights like bootleg jackiwe chan and gets on a horse cart carrying nitro

so kenvin sewduices the ear guy and will falls off a cliff but the horses pull the rope hes on up and he finds this general from the ciivil war in this bar with kevil kline and they go up wioth animal sounds as hew  goes to b0ne the kline

kevin hypnotoives ear man to find who the scientist in this room nexrt door in a bag

the hypno bra f'd out and will smith busts ion andbeats out ear man, the general, and is gonna ice him but kevin defends him and gen ear gets away

kevin comes out to will that hes a u s marshal andthis german chick reading his lips from a distance tells what they say to a guy in a cart who sends the nitro cart in to blow the place

like sttreet fighter how the truck of asplosives headsa for em and zangeif sez"qwick! change da channel!"

so the next day or w/e, will smith gopes to the president grant even though its the 1860s and they didn';;t take kindly to non Whites there

he tells ggrant about the general getting away and grant knows kevin is the best

will knows its not grant and aimns a gun at him and its kevin fakiong it

grant went to west point not harvartd likew the watch on klines hand

real grant comes in and sez these sciientists were caught wjjo worked on asplosives and there was a note saying he has 7 days top surrender the gov

they know theres a guy above general and they are sent to solve the case

will smith goes on a horses a55 and kevoin on a rocket 1800s big wheel bike

what is this? jacka55?

so they go on as train, wait, its will racing after it on hortse to get kerevn on the train to let him in

he uses a gadget or something to get him in and made a bullet p[proof vest

kevin dont like violernce and will punches him so kervin does kung fu movers, kicks a button, and a device traps will unbder the train

will hits a level to pull kevins chain under, so they go back up and choose to team up

kevin uses the head of a guy who was a sacientist to use lightthrough his eyes as a film projector as the lasty thing he saw is burned in his eyes

that dont add up

so they put his glasses on and can read a paper genbberal ear was holding as i guess eyes see in 16K

kevin offers to have will smith disguised as his man servent but wqwill smith goes full jar jar and sez he'd rather eat his gun

kevin sez they gotta go in duisguise and he suggests going as a woman and boat captsin and will smith says 90s slang like: U WAS NASTY, THAT WAS BUTT UGLY

KEVIN has will smith feel his fake b00bs aND WILL TRREPLACES THE BUCKWHEET IN THEm with water

so wiill smith, who later made a slavery movie, goes to this confederate place aND KILLS A MAN WITH A NOSE SHOT FIR asking why hes here

then sneaks into this place with daNCERS and meets bailing from the crow who sez tonight is a comming out party of a guy they thought was dead

then we see a statue of abe lindcon coming in and it bluowsa open and kennith brannah comes out in a wheel;chair w/o legs

hes vengeful over getting his parts blown offin the war and hes got nopthing from the waiist down as they had electric wheelchairs in then

ken andwill make jabs at eachotherand ken goers off to see gen and will thinks a chick is kevin but hes really fakking being a frenchie(frog face?)(

oh its a steam powered wheelchair and ken plansd to supply gen ear toattackl something

after they go, will comes in the gen rom and copy's something and bai ling comes in and seduces hium

theres snipers faking being in paintings like its a f--kin zeLDA game and will caps em like hes steven segaL

so will tells a chick he thinks is kevin whats up and slaps on her b00bs thinking its a man but its a real womana nd will smith is slapped by her

is that where he got it from??

so wiill is caught at gunpoint for his seuxal assault

kecin goes in this room and finds a chick in a cage in her undies and users his gadgets to get her out

so will smith is gonna be strung up and keeps saying b00bies as thats how they talked in the 1800s

he sez in his peoples homeland, they used drums toi communicate and sezx sorry for saying "redneck" which he sez means good things

then jokes about slavery being cool and offers to marry the chick then sez he thgought she was a man and she faints

so will fights his way out and kevin uses his stretchy rope noose to get out and sping into a moving wagon as this is b the 60s batman

the lynching thing was a trick so keven could search for the scientists but they weren't there and he has the chick with them

ken sez ears name was blood bath mcgrtath and then we see a steam tank going to a crowd and wasting all the guys there, wait, i think its their confederate guya

gen ear doint want this and nearly caps ken but ken uses a hidden gun to ice him

ken wants to take over irregardless of how many men he has and tells his investors if they want a piece pof the action they can giuve him gold

ken goes off to getta train with his ninja bimbos adnd holy cr-p we're only a 1 hour in with adds

oh and he called his tank a tank, even though that term started in ww1

so he erquips the steam tank into the train and goes off and this is feeling like bad metal slug

will smith finds the bodiies and theres no buillet holes or blood as you gotta keep it pg13

will smith knows of this tank and heard of a free slave town where a week b4 the war ended he found they were iced for target practicve

will smith finds ear wounded and not dead and he wanted to ice him in revenge and ear sez ken killed the peopooel byy manning the machine

gen ear bites it b4 he tells and chick sez she knows as the chicks in the place traLK AND THEYY go to utah, where grant is

didnt grant wanna kick out the Jews from the border towns outta fear of them helping the Confederates for Money?

so will has chick sent off to texas as he dont want her in the wayy and he thinks he'd fall for her

imagine someone editing wild wild west and Emancipation together to look like after his cowboy days, will smith was enslaved and  tried to escape?

so kevein wonders why ken wants chick as he has no parts and she comes in the device that got will smith on and she sez the french and spains want revenge for the lousianna purchase and other things

will wants to send chick back but she wants to save her dad and kevin shows he has sleeping gas pool balls

will smith wonders what ken is gonna make to take over and bounce blurrs out chicks a55 crack even though its covered

so later its day and kevin put a blacdein will smiths shoe and other things and they are heading for the kens train

after going through a tunnel they lose em but the train was raised up on metal things outside the tunnel and lowers and follows them

will smith goes under the train on the pool table and rolls on the tracks on it but the wire holding it breaks

he uses the stretchu rope to spring around and does a flip even bruce lee couldnt do to get on the train

he fights a guy and ends him with a shoe knife, better than a shoe p[hone, then puts a thing on the steam traiin tank steam pipe

the tank train fires an arrow that busts into the train and catches it on a chain aND WILL SMITH FALLS OFF WEHEN THE TANK TRAIN STOPS


will and keven wake up in these metal nmeck things like the scientist at the start was in and in a metal wiure around em

ken sez he has ways of replacing his lost man parts as i guess its like mecha freeza and goes off in their train

will smith goes off the wire ands trips the t5ap and these metal blades comes after em like freeza in dbz and they riun through the corn field to escape them

its magnet tracking and they jump over as cliff as the blades come and they blow apart in a fireball for some reason as the heroes fall in a pit of sh-t

ken, who has bad face hair like a 2020s guy akss where she was and she sez she went with em to find him

will smith asks kevben to dsave him from the metal collar and keven has enough of of will smiths cr-p

he raised his hand and slices off his head witha  arate chop andhis body sprays blood

jk rrally he hits the neck thing with a rock and it reversesa the polarity of his neck collar and they link together

thats not how magnets work!!

after they get in poses like they wanna b0ne each othert, they fall, in the water and keven gets his spare tool kit

also; if ken takes over america, why not go to soviet canada like all the commies say when their guy loses?

later will smith eats a gila monster cooked on a stick after they got out of the neck thing

will has a spider on his hand but isn't afraid of it like most black guys, and sez he was raised by indians after he ran awayy fdrom home

his fam was wiped out by kens attack in the war and will stands by as a wasp eats a spider as he doesnt care for innocent life

then its day again and kevin carrys the collar and it pulls him to the prifvate track  of i think ken and he finds his train and they find kens hidden city

then ken gets out the stoopidest thing from herte; a giant spider gundam!!

its got a power cannon that blows down stone towers and goes off to get grant

will wants to go get em and keven wants to make a wasp thing to counter the spider that can fly like a da vinci thing

btw this giant spider thing was oroginally gonna be used in a kevin smith superman movbie, but seeing as he ruined He Man, we may have dodged a billet

so grant is gonna put a gold spike in the railroad to unite america and it keeps popping out as the spider mech is comming and shaking the earth

is this like jurasdsic park with the water shaking?

grant powers up and his hair turns pink and her flies up at it and battles it with ki blasts

jk really he stands there like a f--kin dumba55 and ken comes by, introduces himselfd and demands America surrenders

when grant mouths off at him, ken blows a train and keven comes out as fake grant but both are caught in a f--kin net gun

will comes up and is shot in the torso and falls like 80 feet on his back

then in the spider mech, with a confederate flag with a spider on it, ken gives a speech of american wins like 1776 and the Alamo

will wakes upo having worn the bullet proof vest but that dont explain his surviuving that fall

he shows his planto split america with the 13 colonies back to england, the lower onews go to spain and he gets the upper ones

giving America back to england? he IS the bad guy!

will goes back to the train and gets an idea and ken wants grant to surrender as he made the south do

grant sez no and ken sez hes gonna cap kevin who's wearing a vest and sez to get his heart which loves the country

ken sez get his head but will smith comes in faking beign a belly dancerand despite ken having no parts, has an interest in that

will smith just turned him queer

also smith slipsmn keven some items and sediuces ken more but hsi bra bursts with fire and flame throwers kens men

ken sez "kill him" implying he knew its a guy and has been turned and esacapes

so kevin makes a slying bike like da vinci or the 1900s guys did with his rockety bike and they go over a cliff to fly off


ken teries tro make grant surrented by going godzilla on a town as grant is at gunpoint

then keven flies by and drops nito on em but is shot down by one of kens ninja bimbos using a gattliong gun

they crash into the spider but get caught and offers then a chance to surrender but will sez no and is dropped in a lower level to fight a guy with swords for arms

what is this? 300?

then will fights more guys, incluiding 1 trying to crush his parts witha  shovel, and has a steven segal action scnee where he takes guys out 1 by 1

then he fights a guy whos made of metal enhanced parts like the f---kin terminatioreand he cant damage him so he gives him a huge a55 wrench and he spazzes out and falls over dead

btw, why didnt ken just hve em capped? he had like 3 times he could have ended em, 2 in the hgead, 1 in the a55

so ken goes goes to fight will smith and his wheelchair turns intoi some kinda centaur thing and thwe wheels vanish like its transformers

keven pulls the gun will gave him and makesd the chick drop her gun and fired a shot in the centaurt leg and its goo comes out and breaks

keven dance fights the blonde and she falls off the thing

ken gets back to his wheel chair and fires a shot through will smiths a55 or something and it f'd the mechanics and thwe spider, which is going over a cliff, stops

ken and will are hanging out the spider and will pulls the level to make em fall but catches this guy he strung up and threw out in the fight

ken falls out and splatters on the floor and later grant opens a sec ret ser vice with will smith and keven as agents 1 and 2 but wont say who is wht

grant takes kevens train as train force one guy nuked and chick sez the scientist she wantrewd to save wasnt her dad, but her husbnand and goes back to texas with him

keven and will drive the spider robot, which should be gov porpeerty or something or kept from dangerous hands and ride to the sunset

the end

that got stoopider every few mins

its impossible, ridiculous, full of anachronisms, lofgic ewrrors and thing that plain dont make sense

then again, its entertaining

its a big loud dumb 90s film and yeah they go nuts, but its like an 1800s men in balndk

the acting is good and the effects are good for the 990s and its got nice music aND STYLE



and f u caps lock, suck my 7 inch uncut weener!

Alsoi like2 or 3 times, the bad guy had them and coiuld have ended em, but chose some dumba55 james bond/austin powers trapo

And him wanting the grant to surrender to him was used in the GOOD Mulan with the hun wanting the emperor to bow to him

why not jusat end grant and SAY he surrendered? I mean he wAStes his own men, why not lie? what are they gonna do? ask the real grant?

i think its not meant to be a serious movie, just a silly action film, and for that, it succeeds

sorta like bad hercules and xena with anachronisms and slang

its  not bad, its stoopidm but entertains

best seen in a room full of guys making comments

Its fast paced and if it weren't fopr commercials to write and priocess, I'd haave a harder time reviewing this

For Wild Wild Went 2 I want it to the the 1880s and America has went to war with the countries who worked to bring it down, but America has reverse engeneered the spoider mech and threy have other giant animal mechs they made by using double agents to copy em. Also its a 32/64 bit arena fighter on Sega Saturn, N64 PS1 and 3DO where you play as one of the countries and use one of their giant mechs and fight in a 3D city against others and whichever country beats all others wins.

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