BloodRayne Review

 Note: I spell vampicic game like

BloodRayne

This is my review on BloodRayne 1 feom the distant future year of 2005 (The year of some Robotech Comics and Transformers The Movie)

Its directal by Uwe Boll who did House of the Dead\Alone in the Dark\Postal\Far Cry

It stars Kristanna Loken frok Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines\Law & Order\Boy Meets World\Sliders\Painkiller Jane\The Eric Andre Show, Michael Madsen from Thelma & Louise\Reservoir Dogs\Free Willy\Species II\Kill Bill: Volume 1\Kill Bill: Volume 2\Sin City\Scary Movie 4\Green Lantern: First Flight\Mad TV\Bob's Burgers\Blue Bloods\Celebrity Ghost Stories\Axe Cop, Ben Kingsley from Gandhi\Schindler's List\A.I. Artificial Intelligence\Prince of P=rsia: The Sands of Time\Hugo\Iron Man 3\Exodus: Gods and Kings\Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, kinda devolved Michelle Rodriguez from Resident Evil 01\Turbo\Alita: Battle Angel, Matthew Davis from Pearl Harbor\Legally Blonde\Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Geraldine Chaplin aka charlie chaplin Jr from Doctor Zhivago\the 2010 The Wolfman\Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, Udo Kier from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective\Johnny Mnemonic\Armageddon\Blade 001\FeardotCom\2007 Halloween\V.I.P.\Justice League\The Batman\Beware the Batman\Axe Cop ad a number of things that sound like p0rn0, Meat Loaf who was pretty smart and cool and knew global warming and locxk downs were bad, from The Rocky Horror Picture Show\Wayne's World\South Park, Michael Pare from Village of the D===ed\The Virgin Suicides\Postal\Far Cry\The Lincoln Lawyer, Billy Zane from Back to the Future\Going Overboard\Back to the Future Part II\Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight\Zoolander\Zoolander 2\The New Batman Adventures\Boston Public\Robot Chicken, and some guys on on back door psudo hetero wikipedia who keeps wanting my movey but thinks global warming/evolution are real, oj is not a killer but lee harvey oswald is

apparently, the scrip[t was a fortnight late and uwe modded it and let actors do what they wanted so 20% of the script was used

people say this one s=cked but I liked house of the ead butalone in the daek/far cry were kinda cr-ppy

postal was legt good somehow and was the 2nd funniest movie i saw after the human centipede 03

like many uwe boll fims, this was based on a vide game and like most of em, i never played it

this got 2 sequels so someone liked it i think and uwe parodied the 3rd one as Blubberella about a bbw as the vampire chivk kicking a55, so if you like the learning channel or Go Nagai, that might be fun

i never saw this but i wanna give it a fair chance

So after title and credits over eurropean art of daemons or w/e from the rennesiasne, we see a huge cross b a hill and these run going down like in bram stokers dracula, then a village like a 00s version of the universal moies of the 30s

a guy stops at a bar and checks a mirror to see a guy has no reflexion and stakes him cuz hes a vampire and he decrodes

he talks with barkeep about a chick whos an abomination and then we see a circus freak show with this blonde who's weak to water cuz shes a rock type i think and it butns her ad she drinks blood to heal her wounds

its the chick from terminator who used to be queer like a go nagai chick and like both genders but got married and had a kid like kikunosuke in abashiri family the anime

she's kept in a cage and this swordchickis her friend and offers her a happy land where her uncle will take chick and rayne to with rainbw fruits and gives her a necklace i think is a cross

after a camera trip through a cgi gargoyle, this noble is told of a dhampir ofr half vampire who was found and the nobleman wants her

this is a lot like all the other uwe boll movies about a weird europeany guy as the bad guyand some young sexy character who's f'd up agaisnt him

then we see rayne out in the woods spazzing out and its really a dream and she wakes up as a guy comes in to b0ne herbut she busts a bottle on his head and when the blood gets on him she feeds on him

she gets out and starts feeding on guys and not their spurm for once abd takes athe circus owners sword and slices him open witg a big a55 blood spray then taks others out

wait, that was a flash back and shes actually in the woods spazzing out

the main guy and his droogs of the brimstone group are trying to stop a vampire guy from having an army fo thralls and go to the freak show circus carnival and find everyone dead

wait its got a lot of circisus freaks and they take off the heads of those she iced and soak em in fluid i hope isnt male gender fluid or j-zz

they find the friend chick and see that rayne fedd of her in a frenzyand she claims she has no memory of it but then sez she didnt mean it and had a crucifix and aint a vamp

the guys waste her so she dont turn queer or vampire or both on true blood and torch the bodies

these 2 guys talk and 1 dictates a letter to his woamn or w/e and sez hwo this guy shouldnt be allowed to get these artifacts and he and gf are the only ones who know of the artifacts in the brimstone fortress and gotta end the bad guy

also, brimstone? why name it after something associaeted with evil? are they the bad guys?

then again, the Wisdom Tree was the Tree of Knowledge of Good/Evil that The Lord told us to have nothing to do with

at nighyte rayne saves these people from a vamp attack and slices down the vamps but feeds on one of thechicks the va,ps bit and she tells the sruvivprs that she only kills vampires

they take a cart to town and rayne is in a small low cut belly showing top w/o sleeves ad we see her oticing all the vamps

1 seduces her and they queer out and rayne drains her throat b4 seeing an old chick she goes to chat with

old chick is a fortune teller who knows shes a dhampir and most get iced at birth and she has flashbacks of her dad b0ning her mom

rayne sez her dad iced her mm like with oj's kids and old chick sez hes the most powerful vampire and rayne wants to find him

her dad is in a secure place an she needs an item to get there and is doing it cuz its her destiny

the item is an eye like the thing on the dollar bill to represent the devil and raybe goes out in her tigth 1800s jeans and rides a horses 155 away

whos horse is that?! did she horce jakc someone?

main bad guy is told shes looking for the eye and they wanna let her find it anf waste her and get it from her

the vampire hunters i hope are not D's go on and see the bad guys forces on hunck back i mean horse back and wander around this eurotrash watseland

its nght again and rayne has a cloak like the chick from the 80s D&D cartoon and stops at a place for the night sayign shes been ridign 3 days and nights

after a meal we dont see her eating she sleeps then wakes up hearing voices and goes out and snoops around to find a guy in a chair with a big a55 hammer behnd him

she tries to take his cross but he wakes p and swngs his huge donkey kong hammer around but rayne splats his face wit a spiked mace and blood gooshes out

its actua;;yu kinda bada55

she uses his cross as a key to open the hidden room and the room is ful, of cgi blades and traps

she throws her friends blades and as the trap goes off, she flips like a power ranger to get the treasure

ttaking it makes water come out and she hangs from the ceiling b her blade she threw in and looks at the eyeball in the treasure box she found

now shes not hurt by water and the trap turns off and the guy who owns the place comes in and brings her

shes told the peopel there protect the eye and she can't leav as they protect the eye and she absorbed it

theres 3 treasures, an eye, a rib and something else and they belonged to a strong vampire who could resist rambpire weaknesses

after he was somehow beat, they tore his bod up and hid the parts like f--kin castlevania and when she reveals shes a dhampir, they see shes the bad guys kid he looks for

bad guy has an army of thralls and they cant let him get the vampire power but his thrals attack the place as its a monestary and we getta battle scene

rayne gets her baldes and wastes some vamp a55 and the action is atually pretty cool

vampite hunter madsen comes in and slices through guys with blood preay thats kinda cool and the main minion wastes the head preist or monkr

raybe saves a hunter while fighting him by shanking a vmp behind him and the trio of the blonde guy, madsen and the hick from avatar and resident evil and the fast and fursion mvoies waste guys and go off

resident avatar sees a necklace f brimstone on tone guys neck and tehn we see the bad guy with a teen girl like hes roman polanski, but instead of b0ning her a55 he feeds on her like other celebs do

so rayne is somehow caught and brught to this bae and the trio of hunters follow em and ice the guards

in there s a bad lusty guy with a buncha 5kanks around him and main bad guys main fighter comes to ask for shelter for the night

holy cr-p thats meat loaf!!

the huntersgo through the castle with guys kept for bleeding and meat lof creeps on rayen but dark warrior sez no and gays out with a naked chick against him

as madcen and crew go throguh the castle of peopel,b0ing and feeding like hollywood or new york, meat loaf treis to get the eye from her and she bites off his ear like mike tyson

he shanks her and then the trio hunters cme in and take out ore vamps an madsen fights meat loaf, only to take out the windows and he cooks from sunlight into bones

rayne hides in a blanket to avoid the sun which now harms her and the trio gets her out and takes her on a boat and say how if she was a vampm she coudlnt cross water or wear a cross, with a close up on her b00bs

dark warrior reports to his boss and sez the chick is called rayn and the hunter trio brings her to the brimstone soviety, not the h-llfire club like in x men or the butt fire club in ex men

in the place they find in a letter that the bad guy has the rib and rayne wants to drink animal blood and tells how the main bad guy raeped her mom and iced her before her, then we getta flash back showing it

we're 45 mins in? that felt like nothing

turns out he didnt b0ne her in front of her and was only on top to drink from her but he did sword her

madsen unca=hains her and offers to train with her and she accepts as they need help to beat the bad guy cuz, we can do any thing by work ing with each o ther

fast avatar evil sez shes wrried of madsen as hes weakening and then we see them training rayne

wtf a guy grabbed a sword by the blade

also madsen has kinda tommy wiseau hair

durng training her friends blade snaped and she gets bummed like in elfen leid where nyuu or nancy ro w/e broke the shell

shes told someone can help and later, blonde hunter gets her new clothes and talks with her about her visions and she thinks shes the only one with pain but blonde sez his rents got iced by bad guy

bad guy xends visiosn of blood coated rayne spazzing out with a swrd and she walkes up and goes to blonde to make out and b0ne

is this like devilman crybaby where shirenu drwam b0ned akira and he j-zzed all over the ceiling?

also we see terminatiors nips, which makes sense as we saw anolds thing

lator blonde sez they are running low on food and if i know eutope, that means cannibalism, liek the brothers grimm

rayne goes to eat with em and shes told she is popular and 1 kid wants to see her teeth so she does an open mouth hiss but no fangs

her teeth are too good to be european, might be fake

fast evil sends a letter to i think her father and it goes out by boat'

main bad guy sends all his troop sout to find brimstone palace or w/e and after a sparring match with bonde, fast avatar comes in and sends him out so she can face rayne

the swordfighting is a bit cr-ppy and fast atavat sez her dad did brimstone and is now a vamp and she wants to free him from it and fulfill is wishes

also rayne was doing cr-ppy but got better as the battle went on and might have been hlding back

her dad is working formain bad guy an dhe talks withdartk warrior abotu cr-p that p-sses him off and pulls a blade on him as dad knows where brimstne castle is

fast xxx sez cr-p against rayne and madsen sez shes the leader and raybne is the gfighter

raye madsen and blonde comes out by boat and they go to this building with a hidden area and at the castle, avatar evil sees ships comming

in the hidden area is black powder from chi na and holy water and its like the hidden store with good sh-t in Ultima 4 on Matser System

raune gets new blades and then we see a guy in a boat land on the shore and black out blicketee black

madsen blonde and raybne find him and he sez brimstone was overcome by thralls and they dont know how they found out where it was

biting it guy sez resident avatar is who did it and bites it with only rayne hearing

after berrying him they sleep and rayne wakes up and bf triews t stp her as she thinks anyone around her bites it and its her fault

she wants to settle it with the bad guy and get the heart to have 2 pieces to overpower his 1 and dont wanna have her surviving homies at risk

she gives him an item asn he gives her one and she boats back to thebrimstone place and sees bodies everywhere with good blood and gore

the badds are still there and are gonna book it thinking theres nothing there worth it and she goes underground andfinds a cave like in beyond heart

in the cave by this water is avarat eveil whowants to get the heart for her dad and jumps into water to swim and send sher men to guard the entrance

she sacrificed the others like animals so they could live and in thw water, rayne dives and in and fight her but gets shanked

wait its avatar who got it and wait its not and rayne wastes and feeds on resident fast x

she gets this item and rides on a horse in a cloat like shachi in hokuto no ken 2 pretending to be a cripple and goes to the bad guys castle claiming t be evil fast who brought the heart to her dad as they never saw aht she looked like

she gives em what she calls is the heart and is thrown in the dungeon after sayign she wants to se the bad guy

wai they know shes the dhampir and she sez her dad as i got mized up

dark warrior gives bad guy the heart and he has the rib and he is gonna start a new era

the ex trio comes in attacking but is caught and sent to the deungon instead of executed on site

in the jail sell madson jumps on blonde and starts violently b0ning him as blonde screams "not like this!!!"

jk really dark knight is gonna use a ritual to remove her absorbed eye and madsen sez it removes her soul

she tells them she knows she cant win but wont stip trying and some goons come in abd take her off to be sacrificed

they tie her to the desk and she sez if hes' won then why is she boind but he sez shes still a risk and if she survives she can stah in his castle like a 30 year old teen who failed college

madsen sez his partner is gone and she guard come sin, he jumps from the ciling and kicks him down an they escape

they jump 20 feet abd take out vamps in the main room with arrows and blades and 1 goe sin the nouth with blood and is kinda bada55

bonde fights dqark warrorand cuts free raybne and drops her blades by ehr and main bad guy goes aay for a bit but comes back and shanks madsen as 2 guys hold him

blonde is gonna shank dark warroir but gets shanked in the guy but still cuts dark warriors neck

so everyones dead but the main character and bad guy and its like Gantz and she faces him but is outclassed

after some soul calibur movies she gets a few hits on him but he gets srs and shankes her and pins her o the floor with a blsde

blonde still has sme life left and throws a jar of holy water and crossbows it to pop and burn main bad guy, then fires a crossbow bolt or boruto in japan and rayne shanks him with it and he rots into aidsraybe oulls out he blade and has a last scene with blonde and offers to turn him to save him but he'd rather be a dead human than a living vampire

didnt uwe boll do this in house of the dead with the love intersst getting it then faving the hero whos losing t the undead thing?

so rayne takes the throne and looks at the camera a d looks liek joan of arc

then credits

stunts paul fister, is this p0rn0?

Cristi Toader, is that Princess Peach?!

Emileia vlad, like the impaler?

alen oel vega, liek the streep fighter gy?

Max Wanko, another xxx star??

the end

that was not so bad

i knda liked it

its like an r raed Xena

good action and nice gore thats not cg

the musc was fitting and the movie didn't dag and had good flow

it wasn't as bad as I was lead to believe

year its not one with the wind or The Ten Commandments or the bith of a nation or Greed by Erich Von Stroheim, bt its not awful

its probably one of his better films I've seen, althouh I'd say from bet to worst based on what I saw, I'd rank em from beat to worst: Postal, House of the Dead, BloodRane, Far Cry, Alone in the Dark

it had a cool camera effect when the cart went in the village with the ground and lookk seeming distorted

the fight scenes were kinda good at times and the refs to Castlevania was not so bad.

I never played the games but the movie was fun

For BloodRayne II I want it to be in the Revolutionary War and she aids George Washington take out brits and gain ancient treasure they plan to move from America to england to use to fire a devolution beam to mutate the Americans into dog people so they'll obey w/o freedom and be subserviamt to the regent, also its a 16 bit Metroidvania game on GBA, Sea Genesis, Snes, TG16 and Atari Jaguar where you play as Rayne in  skimpier outfit and se's thiccer and has gadgets made by Ben Franklin she can use to get past things by going back to Bens workshop with enough materials she collcts from beating bosses of cryptids and english gaijin from lands they rule.