Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Hamlet Review

note; my typing is f'd up
this is my review on hamlet(the 48 version)
its by shakerspere and has jean simmons(not the kiss guy or Richard simmons)
my dad read me the classics illustrated comic book from the 60s top me as a kid
spoiler; everyone bites it!
nah it cant be a spoiler
the play is like 500 years old
its also got laurwence Olivier
its full screen
no black bars
oh and peter cushing is in it
so it starts with some fruity shakespere moloniogue of text
it sez its about a guy who cant make up his mind
then at a castle a guy goes up some stairs and talks to a guard
some other guys appear and talk
this is like a modern video game
it starts with a long opening and you don't get to do anything til the long rambling plot starts
so then this armor ghost come in and freaks out the guys
but then goes away
its cuz the rooster crowed
they ramble on chatting for a few mins
wtf this is in Denmark?
I knew a guy from there
he was big on 4chan and didn't mind anime girls with big d0ngz
he also liked go nagai and evangelion
the king talks about something I don't really get
as does polonius
I call him pol
I;m having issues cuz my fat chick gf is whining about sh-t on the phone
after some chatting, hamlet is alone chatting about how hes malcontent
his dad bit it and his uncle married his mom
and ham isn't happy and dislikes his uncle for b0ning his mom
didn t ths happen is the one act play "Richard mcbeef"??
so then a guy talks to ofelia and a guy (I think pol) comes in and chats
ofelia ios gay for this guy and clings to him
wtf she grabs his groin in 1 part
pol or w/e chats wioth ofelia about someone wanting to b0ne her
I thought polonius was a huge sweaty fat a55
the ham meets his homies and they chat
ham has been mentally seeing his dad
his dad was the king b4 the uncle
didn't the lion king do this?
hams homies saw hams dad's ghost
ham wants to go see it tonight
at night ham and homies are standing guard and watch a party or something down in town
after some freaky tension, ham sees the gjhost and irts his dad
ghost dad?
didn't bill cosby do that?
his homies think its a trap
but ham goes to it anyway
after a slolk in the mist(like a bad video ghame level) he talks wityh ghost dad
ghost dad sez hes doomed to suffer like Jacob marley until hes avenged
also he was wacked
like diaiana or chucks other women by the qwween
and the uncle was the omne who wacked the ghost dad
he poured poison in his ear as he slep[t
I don't think that's how poison works
I just realized the king looks kinda like al;pha trionfrom transformers g1
ghost dad leaves and hamlet j-zzed in his pants and falls over
he wanks up later and talks to himself
him homies find him and he leaves
they wanna find out what he said with ghostdad but he dont wanna let em knoe
he has them do some power rangers sword ritual thing and goes off
I was typing out a sailor moon thing to send to a guy on tumbler so I missed a little but I don't think it mattered
pol reads a note to the  king/queen from ham
oh, pol is ofelias dad
I think
then ham walks by
pol talks to him about rotting dead dogs and b0ning/breeding
pol gives ofelia a book and leaves
ham talks to her about
h-ll if I know
its weird 1400s cr-p I don't get
ham loved her b4 but I think he turned queer or something
he advises her not to breed with some guy
he wants her to be a nun
 yells at her and when she attacks him she gets her a55 knocked down
he leaves and pol and uncle come in, talk and leave
ham gives his famous "2 b or not 2 b" speech
I think he's arguing with himself over committing seppuku
whats with shakespere and suicide?
was he emo?
I recall watching shakespere in love
spoiler; it s-cked!
Oscar winner my a55
the yugioh movie from 98 was better
not the one with Anubis
the season 0 one with that wiener kid and his red-eyes black dragon
victory wont fall into your hands, you have to reach out and grab it
better moral than some brittish guy getting b0ned or w/e
so ham gets some actors together to do a play
a play in a play?
I dooooooooo sayyyyyyyyyyy
the play inviolves a king getting liquid aids poured in his ear
btw pinkey and the brain, and the simpsons have done their versions of hamlet
the uncle is disgruntled by it
he has a freak out
later the uncle has a monoluigue over his issue s with wacking the king
ham almost shanks uncle but thinks "he's gonna go to the same heaven as my da" and changes his mind
he wants to ice him when he's doimng something bad so the uncle goes to h-ll
im not sure that's how it works
ham goes upstairs 2 his mom and pol hides
ham hassles his mom, hears something, stabs the curtin and pol falls out
ham was hoping it was his uncle
is hamlet the bad guy?
hes kinda acting like it
he hassles his mom over her b0ning the uncle and is a real d-ck about it
this guy's kinda f'd up
then he looks at the ceiling and starts going mental
he hears ghostdads voice
the mom cant see it but he talks to the air
is this a horror movie?
imagine if the ghost b0ned his wife and got her ghost pregnant with a half ghost kid
is the ghost real?
or is ham seeing things?
well the homies saw it so maybe its a daemon
after some talk, hamlet makes out with his mom
even degrassi never went there
later ham talks to the king about fatness
the king wants pol but ham is being vague about his location
like in a horror movie where the killer wont say where his victim is
ham talks about man/wife being 1 flesh to f with the uncle
later uncle wants to ice hamlet
ofelia is going mental and starts freaking oot and singing
ham talks about when himand his homies were at sea and he was captured by pirates
I assume they b0ned him
wait, its a letter to his homies
the uncle talks to a guy about him being acused of icing a guy
the guy he's talking to sees ofelia has gone nuts
the guy is the bf who's crotch she grabbed b4
her dad biting it broke her brain
man they drag out these scenes for too long
this movie is 2 hours in!
later ofelia bites it in the river
later ham struggles to communicate with a grave digger over who's grave it is
this is what happens when people don't learn freekin proper English
yoyoyo lemmee ax u diss, iz yu ah ite?
the Japanese can communicate with us better
oh its ofelias grave
and a skeleton dug out of it was yorik
ham holds his skull and talx to it
alas pour yoric, I knew him
this guy's f'd up
like a serial killer or something
the name yorik reminds me of an incident in my grade school days in the distant future year of 2001
in grade school this black kid with blonde hair and a small ponytail (yerick) wasnt at school for a while. one day the teacher said; yerick moved to another school. and erica said; no more stink! and the class laffed
good times in the 90s
at the funeral hamlet ruins it and goes mental
the uncle tries to get someone (who in the simpsons I think was pol's son) in on his plan to take out hamlet
hamlets a d-ck
send him back to h-ll
he wants to use a poison sword to ice hamlet
and the uncle is gonna also use a poison drink
that's kinda overkill
so much poison makes it easy to go wrong
a fruity guy gets hamlet to agree to the swordfight
at the battle, ham sez sorry for something to the pol's son
they have the sword fight
ham is winning
then the queen drinks the poison drink
ham eventually gets nicked
but in the fight they swap blades
the pol son gets nicked and knows hes already dead
the queen bites it and the pol son outs the king
ham shanks the king a lot
ham realizes hes already dead and gives a speech
he bites it and his homie sez ham would've been a good king or something
my a55
he was mental
and im pretty sure he went to h-ll for his crimes
then they take his corpse up to a high place and the film ends
that was almost as long as birth of a nation
and no where near as exciting or cool
I didn't hate it
but its not that grand
for hamlet 2 I'd like for it to have been revealed that the ghost dad was really a daemon send by England to weaken Denmark so they could conquer it. but the people are manlier and stronger than the brits who attack cuz of their Viking blood and beat them off each time. also its revealed that the uncle iced the king as the king was going to sell out his people to the brits so he could serve them and rule greater numbers of people. and w/o a ruler, the denmarks form an democracy where theres free speech and equality and real human rights (things the English hate) so the brits lead by their deviant regent begin ritual sacrificing poors to change the weather to ruin Denmark(which doesn't work as man cant command something as random as the weather by minor actions). Denmark is lead by a new generation of elected leaders who earned their place instead of getting cuz their dad had it. and each has some super skill or ability.

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