A place where I post silly reviews of various movies from an "everyman" or "contrary" P O V. Done in the style of a newspaper article and a grade school book report. Don't take these seriously. Its all in good fun. Also, each review ends with a crazy sequel idea.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
The Old Man And The Sea Review
note; u know the drill, bad typing
the old man and the sea
this is my review on the old man and the sea (1958 ver)
its got spencer tracey
and its by Hemmingway or something
I recall he blew his brains out
ooh, its I\n color
aw, its wideascreen
it starts with colorful images of nature and water like the 86 fist of the north star movie
this old dude hasn't caught any fish for 84 days
1984 is when fist of the north star started
also this young boy who helped him fish went to another boat
he takes his boat stuff and goes home
then the kid and the man have beer
you cant even show that in shows nowadays
naruto censored rock lee getting hammered in the dub
I hear this film is set in cuba
I assume its b4 the commies took over
back to beer
one guy I was talking to (who's ok with abortion) was disturbed by European parents giving their kids a bit of wine
said; it can cause damage
at night the man wants the kid to go to the other boat
they talk a bit and the kid goes home
nowadays an old man hanging out with a young boy would be seen as suspect
back then in da 50s people were less lusty and had cleaner minds
at this bar the kid has only 60 cents
that was a lot in the 50s
the kid returns at sundown and the man is sleeping
he calls him "old man"
don't people have names?
they talk about baseball and horses offscreen
he wants to take tjhis guy called DiMaggio fishing
I assume they mean the guy who played bender on futurama
the kid wonders why geezers wake up early
the old man(I will call geezer now) dreams of his African childhood
boating and being by the sea
the ocean terrifies me
its a boundless abyss
an infinite void
they lose ur body they, its never getting found
might as well be in space
wait, I think I said that in a previous review
early the geezer wakes up and gets the boy
its been like 20 mins and nothing happened
plus most of the story is told by a narrator
they and the other fishermen bring their boat masts to the boats and go out to sea
how long is this movie?
they go in different boats (wait, da boy stays on land) as da sun comes out homie
I hear a 7000lb great white was caught in cuba in the 50s
this like a freakin dinosaur!
the narrator describes the geezers fishing style and he later sees a bird
this is like reading someones twitter
just normal things and thoughts and actions
a big a55 fish catches his line and he uses his hands to let the line go out wont that cut off his fingers?
after a while of him talking to himself he sez he wants the fish to eat the hook and it to shank its heart
the fish pulls the geezers boat by the line
he wraps the line behind his back its gonna cut him in half like in ghost ship
4 hours later this fish is still pulling
later its sundown and hes still pulling and suspecting what kind of fish or its backstory and gender
he relates to the fish as both are out there alone and in the far sea
later a separate fishing pole breaks and he cuts the line
he hooks a line on his baby toe but the fish jerks and he falls in his boat
he sez to the fish he loves/respects him but will ice him
once at high school I was eating a burger and had a thought that almost ruined it
what was the cow like when it was alive?
thankfully I wasn't turned vegan
those guys aint right
he kees talking the the fish that's deep underwater
as a kid when playing spider man vs the kingpin I was facing venom and yelled at the tv to weaken his symbiote like it would have an effect
the line cuts the geezers hand
maybe if you didn't hold a small rope with your bare hand it wouldn't happen
his hand is cramping up and then we get real footage of a sword fish or w/e jumping that don't really blend with the movie
also most of the movie is tracey imn front of a fake background with the camera moving up/down
later its raining and he sez eventhough hes not religious he's gonna say 10 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Father's to catch the fish
also he's gonna go to a place to pray to a Saint
he recalls his armwrestling a big black guy years ago for like 30 hours
this is like saint seiya with warriors fighting for weeks at a time
he wins against the black guy
I assume it wasn't like in yugioh where the winner gets to live
offscreen he catches a dolphin and eats it
I hear dolphin isn't very good
maybe with some miso soup and good tempura it would be
oh and wasabi
once I was having sushi with my yugioh homie and he said
do you dare me to eat this wasabi?
then I dare myself(eats it) mmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
after like another full day he's still gone w/o sleep
he needs pepsi
maybe mountain dew
he rests with his arm on the line and has various dreams
like whales b0ning
I was once watching a doc on whale reproduction(whale p0rn0) and it showed the right whae with its 9 foot tentacle d0ng
also once I saw a whale autopsy and this he a55 whae was being lifed on a crane and its d0ng came out
maybe that's where la blue girl gets it?
so the geezer wakes up and the fush s jumping around like a hyper kid who just heard the power rangers intro
its clearly tracey's hands in front of recorded footage of a big a55 fish
they also reuse the same clip
if he had a gun he could just cap the fish
the fish fills its sacs with air and wont dive deep
did spencer tracey stay up for 3 days to film this?
day 3; he's still at it
once I was playing "high seas havoc" on sega and its a really hard (but awesome) game
rather than turn it off and start over, I just left my sega on for like over 40 hours with me taking sleep whiz and food breaks
the geezer sees the fish as a giant he size of a freakin dinosaur
his eyes are giving out
one i had an epic clash!
for over 20 hours i faced advance wars 2
no sleep. no rest. just playing and occasionally taking breaks to whiz or shovel snow w/o a shirt or socks.
i faced that final battle over and over. trying different things.
i reset and got a feeling; this is it.
i was burning out. my eyes couldnt focus. i was making mistakes.
but i busted his D ray and the dialogue started.
did i win? i won... i wonnnnnn!!
grand game with a worthy challenge
so thr geezer catches the fish and shanks it with a spear
its pretty big
then a shark comes fr his fish
he shanks it with a harpoon(with real footage of a shark getting shanked)
eat that PETA!
fanatical animal gutter supremacists
the big fish was cut up by da shark and bled
so more sharks are coming
he makes a spear with a blade tied to a stick
then more sharks attack
nowadays he'd be the bad guy for killing fish
it shows real shaRKS getting shanked and gushing blood
like in men behind the sun how they used real corpses for their dismemberment scenes
he then gets a stick and beats the sharks
he should collect the sharks and eat em
after the fight he sez hes sorry to the fish for going out too far
but the fish is da one who pulled him
in men behind the sun they had farmers collect rats for a scene where they eat a cat(lick bloodcolored honey off it)
later they set the rats on fire
the farmers were happy
what else would they do? release em back on the farms to blight the people?
later more sharks come
he fights but his bod gives out
the fish eat the big a55 fish and he comes home with a big a55 fish head and its huge skeleton
make weapons out of those bones
its night and he walks home but is wiped out
the boy comes in and puts a blanket on him
why didn't the man cut off chunks of the fish and keep em in his boat?]
in the AM the boat people measure the fish bones
the boy brings the geezer coffee
hes down but the boy stands up and gives him a confidence boost
later the geezer is dreaming of lions in Africa
for the old man and the sea 2 I'd like the boy top have grown up and is trying to be a fisherman but the big gov and animal rights groups are trying to ban fishing since they care more about animals that would eat them instead of people who have souls. not wanting to lose his way of life, the boy starts a human supremacy group to promote human rights and show humans are the one true ultimate life form on earth. this leads to attacks by animal rights groups who want to ban anything involving animals saying since they banned cockfighting it set a precedent that animals can have supremacy over humans.