Friday, September 15, 2017

Mary Of Scotland Review

note; I'm not Scottish, i'm Slovenian!
mary of Scotland
diss iz ma review on mary of Scotland (1936)
its got Kathrine Hepburn(who I'm not fond of) and Fredric March (from the 30s Jekyll and hyde)
its by john ford who is usually great
I've never seen this b4
I like historical films and rko so this looks like it might be good
ooh its got Donald crisp and john carridine
Donald crisp was general grant in birth of a nation
after long scrooling credits we get text saying in 1500s England some cool thing happened
the brits bow when the queen comes in
In America, all men are created equal
but 1 chick, the real successor of the throne, is coming over
and shes coming to Scotland
so the queen wants her men to get her on route to Scotland
also they wanna fake it being pirates so the queen wont be blamed
just like with daiana getting iced by the qween in da 90s
I usually say englands been the bad guys for 200 years
turns out, its been longer
so the real ruler arrives and thanks the Lord for letting her make it
I like her
the true ruiler's brother is told of her coming
apparently he rules Scotland
he tells his unelected lords who are the real power of scot land, to stfu
then he bows to the true ruler
btw his name is jimmy stewart
I call him jimmy now
they reminisce on their childhood
then meet the unelected lords
she sez its been 13 years since she left and will rule the best she can
the unelected lords wanna remove the foreigners but the italiano guy is her homie so he stays
but the unelected lords don't support her being catholic
and jimmy is working for another faith
she doesn't bend to their hating her faith
what is with this catholic hate? is this tumbler? cnn? yahoo??
her husband, the French king, bit it
so she can marry now
but they want her to marry some homie they choose
arranged marriage?! what is this? the 1500s?!
she tells em to get f'd
the unelected lords b--ch at eachother over who they side with
that was 20 mins btw
it flew by
later a buncha scots come by cheering about liking her and wanting to be free
but 1 malcontent hates her for being French
and having it easy in france
a quick wikipedia search sez hes john knox who hated catholics
that's racist
they drown him out with bagpiping
the true ruler takes time to listen to him and hear his side out w/o censoring his malcontent hate
and sez other regents might execute him for saying it but she wont
but he still hates her
its tumbler all over again
for the 1st time
the queen gets word of the true ruiler and is kind of a b--ch about it
she wants to declare war on Scotland and beat the true ruler despite all thre good people biting it that she don't care about
also I hear she may be illegitimate
a bast-rd
does that work for chix?
later this fruity guy tries to see the true ruler and flirts with 4 chicks
hes trying to turn straight
hes also been promised something in return for going somewhere
the queen sez if the true ruler marries some dink then the true ruler will be seen by the queen as the leader of England
if you eat this garbage, i'll let you keep your Yugioh card I stole from you
true ruler tells the queen to get f'd
later the true ruler is gonna marry someone but this guy who likes her tries to talk her outta it
I think its jimmy
she agrees to marry the fruity guy
after the offscreen wedding, fruity guy gets up the a55 over his being king
also hes drunk
some guys are plotting something
I'm not sure
I was reading a wikipedia article on rectal prolapse
later the scots come in to get her italiano homie
she wants him to get a fair trial
they just shank him and throw him out the building
I think the fruity guy did it\
the scots force her to sign a full pardon for their assassination
she sez no and she gets word someone she likes is coming
she signs it b4 they waste him too
fruity guy sez he only did it cuz he wanted her back
oh I forgot to mention she wouldn't b0ne fruity guy
if u don't b0ne him hes gonna turn
she wants to escape with him
later she b0ned the fruity guy offscreen and had a son
while the queen has no womb and the scots and unelected lords se had wack the italiano ae banished
uncle jimmy gives the new boy a claymore from his and his sisters dad
fruity guy returns and his son freaks out
he can sense the fruity guys black ki
fruity guy is going mental over the true ruler not liking him
maybe if you didn't wack her homie she would
also maybe stop being so fruity
oh I think they're living out of a secret base
later fruity guy wakes up and sees gunpowder sparking along da floor
the whole place goes up
john knox gives a sermon about hating the guy getting blown apart
I think her son bit it in the burst
later trure ruler and Fredric March (who I think I mixed up with jimmy)have a romantic moment
they see a shooting star(dragon in attack mode)
they go on about their back stories
she marrys Fredric March and jimmy (I think) snaps a sword on his leg(not possible)
oh and theres uprisings in scot land
but the malcontents are 5x as many as the true rulers forces
strategy can make up for that
oh, Fredric March is the guy she liked who she signed the pardon to save
Fredric March agrees to leave if she gets to keep her rule
just like with yuria and Kenshiro In fist of the north star
oh and jimmy leading the uprising
later the jimmy orders the true ruler to sign the cr-p he sez and to make him high rank
she sez no and is imprisoned
meanwhile, Fredric March wants to fund a freedom force to beat back the malcontents
go to Portugal
they're good catholics
the jimmy makes himself regent as true rulers son (who I thought bit it) is new king
true ruler asks for help from brit queen
if the scots rebel now, the brits might later
brit queen sends her a ring but plans to do nothing
she also hates rebellion
good thing for America
btw queen Elizabeth 1 reminds me of freeza from dbz
later true ruler (its mary btw) is taken to England but is taken prisoner
oh and Fredric March is imprisoned in Denmark
and he bites it
true ruler is put on trial for trying to take the English throne
she cant even face her accuser as the queen is there symbolically(her items on a chair)
they have fake evidence against her
but she has hope for Fredric March to save her
they have a chained Scotsman tell her Fredric March bit it
she gives up and lets them execute her
after praying, she sees the queen in her room
queen feared true ruler was gonna take the kingdom she didn't own
true ruler sez the queen isn't even a woman
is she a hermaphrodite?
its la blue girl all over again
queen b--ches about her cr-ppy issues like it excuses her ruining the true ruler
queen sez if true ruler renounces her rule then she an live
true ruler tells the queen to get f'd and her son will rule England
after praying one more time she gets executed by the brits
b4 she gets it, the camera pans up and thunder sparks
the end
that was good
john ford does it again
its over 2 hours and worth it
if you like films set in the Castlevania days, this is  good one
even Hepburn like likable in it
for mary of scotland 2 i'd like for her son to have been raised to be another dark ruler but an angel appears to him and cleanses his mind of brittish nobility and he returens to his true self of being a good scot. he uses his new wisdom to redirect funds and forces to his own gathering to plan for justice. eventually he wears a tomato based outfit and leads attacks on England in key points to weaken the queens control and regain jewels that keep the brits bound to her will. its also a 6 bit platform action game where you play the son and go through levels fighting brits loyal to the queen and beat the loyalty to her outta em with high tech gadgets from bible times and collect the jewels to stop the queen. also the queen has the black master jewel that gives her demon powers and lets her fight on par with tomato hero and have black magic attacks.

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