Monday, September 11, 2017

Swiss Family Robinson Review

note; I spell like I was ion an island for yearsd,. I wasn't
swiss family robinson
this is my review of swiss family robinson
I think its the 60s version
it starts with a boat at sea in a storm
its widescreen
it stars a buncha 40s people and sessue hayakawa from the 1910s and 1920s films
a fam calls for help from inside and the boat hits a rock
its based on a book by johann wyss
the next day they come out and find the crew deserted the boat
so they own it now
also the captains dogs are still there
they decide not to run a distress flag as it might attract bad guys
they raft off but the dogs follow by swimming so they bring em on board
I guess they could eat em if food gets low
they get to an island and the kid rides a turtle
then the6y pray and start setting up base
in the jungle they see something and I wasn't paying attention so I'm not sure what it was
at night dad talks with mom about how they should've stayed in their home country
but napoleon was coming
what year is this?!
what country are they from?
are they swiss?
or is the title a reference to some 1800s thing no one today remembers?>
later they scavenge the ship and find pigs
a ship comes by but its the pirates that chases em into the storm
dad trys to use the cannon but the pirates open fire 1st
but they leave after the dad puts up a quarantine flag so they think they got the plague
as the fam brings the pigs over the water by tying em to barrels, sharks attack
so they use guns
then they catch a turtle and use it to pull em to shore
work smarter, not harder
meanwhile the kid hangs out with an elephant but a tiger comes by
what kinda island is this?!
he catches the elephant like a pokemon and attacks the tiger with rocks
they the dogs save his a55
in real life the tiger would slice up the dogs with claws
but here the dogs win
his mom lets him keep the elephant (which is a baby)
they use the elephant for slave labor to build a tree house
later a kid nearly falls out of the tree hammock cuz of a monkey
they otta eat dat monkey
later they have a whole multi area home in this big a55 tree
btw they have a turtle shell sink
that's racist
what did da turtle do to em??
dad shows mom his work on the house and it has as skylight
later the males discuss what kinda place they are in?
like island or peninsula
wtf theres ostriches on here?!
where I this island?!
is it left over fro noahs flood?
what next? dinosaurs?!
so they ride ostriches and slide down a mud thing and swing on vines
dad wants to take the boys sailing around the coast
1 kid goes swimming on the elephant
hope it don't reach up his a55
they do that
so the 2 teens sail around the island
one teen talks about how back in his home country he could've gone to the academy
also they want girls
hope they don't go prison gay
the teens find pirates and go in closer
but the waves take out their boat
the pirates have hostages and want the geezer of the 2 to write a randsome note
they are gonna take this girly boy hostage but the teens save em and escape
oh the geezer is the girly boys grampa
on the way back thy gotta cross a thing and the girly boy don't wanna take off his clothes to avoid getting em wet
he trys to shoot em but one teen gets around and stops him
also its really a girl
grampa make her dress up to avoid sea homies b0ning her
sounds like go nagai
later the teens fight a big a55 snake
after its beat it swims away
but they lose the compass
the boys fight over who should be in charge
I think they split up
1 teen finds a zebra in quicksand and hyenas and vultures around it and he saves it
wtf. is this Africa?!
the other teen and girl saves it and they return home in time for Christmas
wait, where was the grampa? did the pirates get him? are they b0ning him to write the note?
after telling their adventure offscreen they plan to nuke the ship so the pirates wont remember where they are
mom and girl get along and mom sez she always wanted a daughter
at least she didn't force her girliest son to crossdress
the kid suggests pits full of animals and dad sez traps will do
girl comes back and is in a dress an they dance with her
mom comments on them having 1 girl but 3 sons
sounds like a p0rn0
later they set up traps
the girl is from England!!
one teen talks about wanting to do something but the girl wants to return to soviet England
also he teaches her how to shoot
they start kissing but the other teen interrupts em
after a bit of talking the teens fight
dd breaks it up and has them have their 1st national holiday in new Switzerland
they named it new Switzerland!?
better than new England
later she talks with the teen she kissed about what to do after they leave and a tiger gets caught in a pit
the fam covers it up
later they have a race riding animals and fire a gun to start it
but the pirates hear the shot
the girl goes off course and sees pirates
they run back and the pirates advance
1 by one they get hit by traps
although the tiger pit victims jump out like in Mario
he also sets off gunpowder traps and lights em to blow apart the pirates
they also set off a rock trap that causes a rock slide
then throw explouding coconuts at em
in rea life they would be blown apart
but ere its more looney toons
then they drop a buncha logs on em down hill
pirate leader sessue hayakawa offers a deal
they give him the girly boy and he leaves
she wants to go but knows they'd b0ne her dead
the pirate alarm goes off and the pirates are coming up the other side of the cliff
so they open fire
not sure  if bullets kill em as nothing else has
this needs an R rated cut with more gore and heads blown open
the pirates have em but then retreat as the grandpa came back with a merchant ship
later grampa lets the teen go to university and offers to take em to new Guinea
but the fam chooses to stay in their island home
as its a new colony they might make dad governor
girl and teen she kissed make out and the other teen sees em
other teen goes with grandpa and the girl and the fam stay behind
the end
that was pretty good
fun fancy free
I enjoyed it
good clean fun and adventure
was this based on robinson Crusoe?
for swiss family robinson 2 i'd like it to be 15 years later and the girl and teen are married and have kids. but one of them finds an ancient temple and removes a jewel. turns out it was sealing a monster from thousands of years ago and it gets loose and busts up the island. its some kinda dinosaur elephant rhino and an fire ki blasts at people to burn em away. also the pirates art revealed to have been wanting to stop anyone from going to te islzan as they knew of the monster and knew the girl would lead to its awakening.

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