Sunday, September 24, 2017

Rattlers Review

note; my cousin has a pet snake. and shes a little girl!
this is my review on rattlers (1975)
after a cheesy title for the company, these kids go out to the canyon b4 dinner to check out a skeleton
are they necroqueers?
are they gonna b0ne it?
b0ne da bones!
they gotta get back b4 dinner
I notice the lighting changes a lot
sometimes its sun bright
other times not
they climb over a ledge but don't notice the rattlers in the area b4 they are inside
they fall and the snakes b0ne em dead
the end
for rattlers 2 I want the snakes to crawl up peoples a55es and control em
this snake specialist is given 200$ to check out snakes
one guy at the university he chats with sez he's gonna stick with birds cuz they don't attack
spoiler; Canada geese assault people
nuke Canada
those geese gotta go
birdman does experiments to stress out birds and finds they eat more under stress
our tax dollars at work
next they might find fat people have bigger butts
the janitor accidentally hits a snake cage and a cobra gets out
the cobra nears birdman and snake dr tells him to hold his a55 still
snake dr does snake kung fu to catch cobra and cage it
he should use his ki to control the snake
the sherrif brings in snake guy sez a geezer was covered in snake bites
then he shows them the kids
we don't see em but I think the snakes ate their eyes
btw this is LA
needs more rotting streets and purvoes
snake dr sez its not uncommon to find up to 100 snakes together
also snakes don't attack sleeping people
rattlers anyway
and horse hair rope wont keep em out
snake dr and sheriff go to where da kids got iced
they hear rattling and sheriff gets out his gun
he nearly caps snake guy
they find blood but no snakes
elsewhere on a farm a teen finds his dog dead
to quote a black guy
I got 1 less problem w/o u!
the dog was black btw
he goes in da barn and hears rattles
he thinks its dad and the rattler gets him
he drops a lantern and the barn goes up
the snakes get in da house and theyre everywhere!
mom freaks out
once when I was like 4 I was on my grandpas farm and caught a garter snake with my bare hands
I showed it to mom and she ran inside
be a man!
snake dr gets a call and sez he gets 10 days off for spring break later
that's 5 weekdays and 2 weekends
does he get Friday of too??
mom goes to the sheriff and he sez snake guy is in charge
oh I think shes teaming up with snake guy
I'm not sure its the mom though
just a chick cuz all movies need one now
snake guy don't want her but sheriff sez the feminazies are up their a55 over gender equality
in other words; hiring people over genetic traits instead of skill and character
they go to the hospital and she b--ches about how men have it easier
she criticizes him over being a man and he tells her a55 off
I prefer bimbos over feminists
they are happy, fun, attractive, and like men
the opposite of femninizts
they interview a guy about his getting bit
oh the guy was a plane guy
wait, glider
they go next to the place his glider went
later at a hotel a female has a repairman fix her water heater
if this were a p0rn0 she'd try to seduce him
repairman goes under the house to fix it and the snakes get his fata55
she makes a bath with oven heated water and gets in
we don't see her t-ts
the snake that iced repairman goes up a pipe and in he tub
she freaks out and bites it
the next day I think, the chick tells her backstory of being the 1st of 7 kids
her mom worked but it was rough on her
she don't wanna give up her career but wants a family
when my mom started working I hated it
I had to eat lunch at school with those c-cksuckers in my class instead of going home for a home cooked meal
and less walking home and back made me fatten up
snake guy uses locations of other attacks to find a fort is near all the attacks
they go there and go up to meet colonel stroud
wasn't that Jamie lee Curtis's chick name in Halloween 01 and 02?
colonel sez he lost men to snakebite
why wasn't there a snake themed 90s show?
we had street sharks, ninja turtles, battle toads, extreme dinosaurs, cyboars, biker mice from mars
h-ll the troll dolls had a tmnt thing called stone protectors
but no snakes??
that's racist!
turns out the army guy who bit it had a girl and went out to meet her
snake guy asks col stroud for a chopper and he consents
the chick stays behind with the army dr to get info
also army dr is straight and likes the chick
then she goes out to look for cr-p
snake guy in chopper goes to look at sites with a pilot
pilot sez a month ago he had a mission to bury a container in a mineshaft and under concrete
the chick is taking pix and hears rattles so she books it
as she drives he hears rattles and pulls over and gets out
an army guy helps her but finds nothing
sake guy goes to see col stroud but hes busy for several hours
if this were the 0s he'd have a Gameboy
but he gets let in anyway
he confronts col stroud over whats in the mineshaft but styroud don't say
btw stroud sounds like a texas
snake guy goes and tells chick of it
she jokes about b0ning the army dr
also army dr is into biomed
she took pix of forbidden buildings and can develop em at night
remember film?
col stroud asks pilot about the trip he took with snake guy and tells him to keep it on the downlow or he'd bust his rank and a55
at night shes doing film and she sez she sensed something evil after her
also at night 2 army guys drink and drive a jeep on patrol
a tire blows and they think a snake did it
then a snake gets 1
he opens fire as the other guy b00ks it
then an army guy wakes up snaske guy at 4 am to check out the snake victims
both of em got it btw
they check the bodies but we don't see em
I assume they turned inside out
they go to the site of the incident and find tracks of many snakes
the only time they in groups is to defend a next
they find a thing to a mineshaft and go in
they find some snakes and try to get away
they get out and go to a fancy place for a date
wait it might be a dream
also I think they b0ned
I should be paying attention
instead of looking up tommy wiseau
they wake up in the tent and its surrounded by snakes
the snakes get in and they kick and nail em with a stick
then an army guy guns em
col stroud wants to see em
col stroud is burning papers and army dr confronts him
the thing they buried was a chemical meant for war or something
also some containers went to the ocean and army dr sez when it rusts through its gonna f the sharks and orca
also army dr was drunk and caused someone to bite it and col stroud used this to keep him under control
but hes had enuff
army dr locks them in so col stroud caps him
when snake guy arrives a general sez co stroud ran out with contaners
the chemical was meant to be nerve gas to make the enemy ice eachother and the good guys can come in and take over
col stroud was in charge of it but after it ended he was sent to LA to be with it
col stroud is fighting da army with grenades and guns
but he gets blown apart in a fire blast when his grenade goes off or something
later snake guy and the chick are returning and apparently she was bit but is ok now
I think they're a couple now
they drive away and the camera shows the mineshaft and rattling happens
the end
that was good
nice 70s horror movie
low budget but they did the best with it
I like how the feminist turned non-malcontent and the army was good except 1 malcontent
for rattlers 2 I want it to be where the ocean gets infected with the poison and it turns giant 100 foot long squid nuts and they go around eating whales. its from the squids p o v and its an underwater slasher with huge squid hunting whales like serial killers do teenagers in 80s films. also its a 16 bit sega genesis/snes/gba game where you play as squid and you hunt huge a55 whales in various places and work your way up to bigger badder whales until you fight the bloop (a whale the size of the Eiffel tower that made a sound heard once in the south sea) 

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