Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Hook Review

Noe: I spell like peeder pan
this is my review on Hook from 91
its basically peter pan gx as its a sequel set years after the original by a different author
maybe gt as its still got the origonal guy, but here hes not a kid again
its directed by steven spedilburg and stars robin williams, dustin hofman, julia robetrs(whos brother or w/e eric was in the human centipede 3), bob hoiskins, dante basco and cameos by 80s celebs
it did well and people love it but critics hated it cuz they s-ck
they bashed the yugioh movie!!
i saw this a few times and liked it
huh, speilburg wanted it as a musical with michael jackson as pan
that would be weird
the movie is based on specilburdis grade school kid saying "what if peeder pan grew up" and "what if hook survived being eated by da crock"
my grade school cousin had an idea for a book; good night harambe, where a zoo guy goes around snipering animals
btw this movie is like 3 hours  long with adds so this review wll be a while
oh and it had partial production by daianas baby daddy whjo was iced with her by the queen
so it starts with a grade school play of peter pann and robin willims as pan gets a phone call from work where he sez he gotta be at his sons baseball game
but baseball is gay so peeder skips it to manage a trubutee to granny wendy who helps orphans
he sends a minion to record the game and son f's out at bat
baseball s-cked!!
btw the 90s was the last time you could do a modern peter pan story as thats the last time 1800s kids were alive
so then peeder takes a cr=ppy plane and is freeked out by it and his son draws the plane going down andv peeder not having a chute
we get it
speelburg hates his dad
probably never got over having his weener skinned
someone lets a guy bite off my thing? i'd get disgruntled too
so they make ut to soviet england and go to see wendy
toodles is there and is mental as he lost his marbles
no one sez that anymore
i miss that phrase
dat 90s
oh and wendy is played by minerva mcgonagall from harry potter
if only it was minerva mink from animaniacs!!
so the kids are having fun and work calls and disgruntles peeder and he yells at em to SHUT THE F--K UP YOU LITTLE C-CK SUCKERS! IMMA BEAT THE BLACK ON YOU AND SKIN YA TO USE AS BEDSHEETS!!
the kids leave and his wife trys to get him to not be an a55 hole as they don't have their kids as kids forever
wendy tellz da kidz when da baby loled for the 1st time, it broke into 100 pieces and became da 1st faerys
so cain or abel?
and j m barrie wrote her real life storys as a book and made a load of cash
so later they have the hostpial thing for wendy and peeder sez wendy got him rents and helped other kids
and wendy found homes for other lost kids
the lost boys?! like the cory movie?
meanwgile some magic cr-p happens at wendys place and whenn the guys get back da kids are kidnapped
probably some high class britmies like in Rob Roy
Which means the kids are being b0ned as we speak
gay brit mo; i didn't know it was a boy til i was in!!
the cops are no help and wendy asks peeder to remember his youth but he cant
sounds like he has repressed memories
like he was b0ned as a kid by some brit mo
so wendy sez she used to be liked by peeder and when peeder saw her 1st 13 year old grand daughter he decided not to go back to neverland
those hollywood degenerates must love this
going after 13 year olds
something they can relate to
webdy sez peeder forgot and the storys are real and later tinkerbell comes in  and fights peeder
if this were a  game there'd be a battle with her(or as her)
btw in the books its said tinkerbell was thicc
peeder dont believe it and she gets bummed
when she ttells peeder saying you dont believe in them makes em bite it, she fakes biting it
peeder killing faeries?
at least hes not choppin up the lost boys like in da boox
peeder sez he never took drugs cuz he mised the 60s and tink carrys him arcossthe sky to neverland
he wakes up in some well made waterfront area with (butt?) piirates and they try to jack his shoes but tinkerbutt saves him and disguises him as a pirate
smee comes out and introduces hook and it only took like 40 mins for the title character to show up
hook sez he iced and (butt?) stuffed the croc and is gonna ice pan after takking his kids
the best peeder pan was fox's peter pan and the pirates
hook tortures a guy wjo doubted him by putting him in a box with big black scoropians
imagine if they were footlong centipedes and they went in his butt?
hook brings out pans kids and peeeder reveals himself but hook dont believe it as  this guy is a fat sack of cr-p
hook wants a great battle and string up his  kids and sez if peeder can fly up tthere and tough their finger he'd set em free
peeder clibms as the (butt?) pirates mock him and he f's out
btw, i hear speilbergs kid got into p0rn0
so much for fmily themes in his films
so tink gets hook to give her 3 days to train peeder to get ready for the epic war
they dump peeder in da water and bikini mermaids breath air in him with a kiss
1st; hes married!!
2nd; i dont think they breathe out oxygen unless they are plants
so da remaiming next generation of lost boys save him and et him to some tree fort base and they think he s-cked
they are lead by bart from hokuto no ken as rufio who looks even more mad max than fist of the north star and they playfully f with him in light playful ways
1 kid plays with peeders face and sees his inner self and the other kids do it too and believe hes him
its kinda nice
but rufio sez as hes got pan sword hes the new pan
i keep thinking of pan from dbgt when i type this
meanwhile hook and smee are eating cr-p and hook gets disgruntled and tries to blow his brains out
thats kinda f;d when you think of it but its shown as funny
smee gets the idea to get pans kids to love hook (ewww!!!)
the kids train pan to get back in shape (what is this? DBZ?!) annd they slingshot him to help him fly
hook trys teaching pans kids to hate peeder and mrs peeder and girl gets what hes up to so he gives her an F as a grade and she spazzes out over it
smee takes her away to the cetipede room as shhe tells son to run home and not forgget as hook sez pan went to daughters play but not sons baseball game
how long does this go?
10 00?! (started at 7)
I got 2 hours of this sh-t to f--k! (its 8 18)
also these a huge black kid called thud butt (whuich sounds like a p0rn0 name) who's the butt of the fat jokes
nowaday's he'd probably be on my 600lb life!!
so at dinner the kids eat pretend food and rufio mocks peeder with 90s style g insults of slop and puke and bugs as the kids cheer
eventually peeder gets his groove back and insults rufio til r boy queers out and when peeder spoon flings imaginary food at rufio, it splats him with colorful cr-p and he can see pretend fool
it looks like sugary icing
i wanted a cake made fully of icing as a kid
looking back i'd just be eating a pile of icing
then they food fight and peeder slices a coconut that takes like 5 seconds to move 25 feet
oops, forggot to say: this came out in 91 was when the snes and sonic came out
so thud butt has a nie moment where they recall good times and tuhd butt gives peeder toodls marbles
oh and peeders girl sings some song totally not like a disney movie
so the next day hook takes pans boy to a room of busted clocks (like gt with th sugoroku realm?!) and he lets boy bust em to deal with his anger at pan for failing him and all these little cr-ppy things kids have
as a kid i malcontently had the idea of if i had my own place, i;d skewer someone who came by when they opened the door with a spear
i also thought of a chainsaw bazooka where you fire chainsaws at people
later hook gives pan jr a ballgame as he's from the castlevania days or w/e and  dont know how much baseball s-cked
baseballl is the worst game ever!
you can't even sledgehammer anyone!
in hockey you can roundhouse kick peoples guts out!!
so peeder is there to steal hooks hook(sdtealing a prostetic from an amputee?! thats f'd up!!) but can't as he's too busy being into his candy a55 kid for once in his life
1 pitare tries to steal second so a guy caps him
but they play with cr-ppy a55 official rules so no violence
the pirates say run home but switch to home run and son gets a home run
peeder is disgruntled and goes to da base to try to fly but the home run ball gnails his skull
later he sees his young self in a water reflexion and sees his shadow moving on its own
shadow dancer; the secret of shinobi!!
peter pan vs ninjas!!
he finds a tree with the original casts names on it and in it is a hidden base zone wwith tinkerbell in a dress like wedding peach and the thimble that he thought was a kiss from wendy and he remembers his past and his 1800s mom who didnt notice his careiage rollsing away and just left him
tink found hom  and brought him to never walnd and after he grew up in nverland somehow,  flew home and saw his window  was shut and his mom forgot him
how dark
he went to other windows ike a wh0re and found wendy but ventually she had kids and grand kids and he saw her granddaughter and fell in love with her
is this like dbgt how goku is like 8 and chichi is in her 60s?
so then he stayed with her and grew up as he wanted to be a dad and this is his happy memory that lets him fly
btw, him not being able to fly cuz he's got too many sad thoughts was used in harry potter with hagrid
so he flys aroun and the kids cheer and he pants rufio, whisch is kinda sick when yo think of it, and ruufio returns his z saber and acknowledges him as the real pan
so i guess pan goot ret-rded as he talks and acts like a kid now and for gott about his kids but tink helps him rememebr bby growing to human size and gives him a kiss
dude, he's maried! and you knew him since he was a baby!!
so peeder and da booyz make armor of sticks which will totally hold up to cold steel and on the 3rd day they go to war
hook has pan jr dressed like him and is gonna givve him a hook ear piercing but peeder returns and no he's gonna have to wait til hes 14
peeder jr dont wanna go with peeder cuz hes a fat swck of cr-p and theres a tvpg swashbuckling errol flynn style sword fight thats pretty cool
peeder tells son that son was his happy thought
btw, a boy and girl with dad issues and in some weird theme park like thing?
totally not jurassic park 1
thn da lost boyz  come over and its more fun action adventure pg sword fights
plus goopy 90s splatter eggs and slop to the face and marbles on the ground
totally not home alone 1-8
thud butt curls up and rolls into guys totally not like sonic
so pan jr starts to recall his past life and rufio faces hook kinda like joe vs krauser in the 2nd fatal fury anime
so hook shanks rufio as we gotta get a sad mov=ment in this movie and he bites it saying he wished he had a dad like peeder
totally not like in the live action fist of the north star moive where dante basco goes to dante's inferno
so peeder gets his kids back and they are gonna go but hook sez he's gonna keep going after his fam as he dont age  in neverland and can do this forever
they have one last boss fight and hook sez this is all a dream but the boys say they believe in him and he fight s down hook
hook cuts his arm with the hook instaed of getting him in th got o crotch and the kids trigger him with clocks
the fight goes to the yard with this dinocroc stiffed and propped up and hook beats i meabn is beat by pan
pans gonna ice him but his kids dont want him to waste anyon as hes not arnold or stallone or jean claude or segall and peeder gives him a chance to gtfo
hook pulls a dagger and gets pan at knifepoint, but likea dumba55, ties to waste him with his ghook instaed of the blade at pans neck, so pan throws the hook into the croc and it fallls on him and eats him
wtf man!!
you had him!!
if i got a guy at gunpoint, i'm not gonna pull out another gun and try to aim and wack him with thattt!!
btw, wasnt the croc dead?!
i guess hejust got better or w/e
so tnk uses angel dust on the kids and  they fly and pan makes thud butt the next in charge as hes a big load of sh-t like he used to be
so back in the human realm, ait, is neverland like the jujin kai and makai realsm in urotsukidoji?, mrs pan is waiting for her kids annd she sees em in bed safe
how are they gonna explain this to ds cops?!
the kidnapper just returned em?
they'll probably get charged for filing a false report
so peter th baby eater(baby back ribs)  wakes up outside and sees a guy looking like smee and sezz bye to tinkerbell who sez she'll see him between asleep and awake and she loves him
he finds his phone and  tells brad his neverland  adventure and he ran outta faery dust and has to climb the drain pipe
he knox on da window and his kid lets him in and hes cheerful and tells him to kep the window open
michael jakcsons dad tormented his kids for leaving the window open by wearing a mask and faking being a kidnapper
that f'd him up
peter to his kid; to infinity and back again
me; pixar  is gonna sue
peeder gives tooodles his marbles and has a good moment with ewendy and toodles spills the angel dust oon himself from his marble bag and flies
so peeder sez; to live will be an awfully big adventure and we see soviet england as toodles flies and yellow credits to good mucis
the end
and its only 9 26
i loved this
good mostly clean fun with heart and adventure
speilburg hates it but this was part of my 90s youth
i got the sega genesis game on a compilation multicart so i might do that at some point
well produced and directed an acted and great effects and music
that early 90s late 80s feel
i loved it and its a feel good 90s classic that is just nice good tvpg fun and action
its even got a bit of 30s errol flynn and good action amd heart
it goes by at a good pace and doesn't feel long
i loved this since da 90s and it still holds up
peter pan gt
for hook 2 i want it to be the 2020s and peter pan kids are grown up and live in a cyber city with people having implants to let them jack in to the system. hook reveals he faked being iced by the croc again s part of his plan and now that peter is a geezer he can't be stopped. he sees the cyberoolis the world has become and likes it and get modded to be a cyber piate and once on the system, he wreak havoc and fights peters descendants in the cyber world and taking control of peoples limbs and bodies with implant hacking to make them do indecent things in public and be arrested. Its also a 16 bit cyber punk rpg on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, gba and tg16 wjere you play as hook and go around cyberspace and taking out pans relatives 1 by one.

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