Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Monster Trucks Review

Note; i spell better than this film did at da box offis
monster trucks
this id my review on monster trucks from 2016 (da year some cr-p happened in robotech)
it f'd out at da box office and cost da studio over 120 million $
but some reviews are good
its an original idea not based on a book, tv show, past movie, true story or video game
it stars  no one i know of except danny glover who's a commie or something and was directed by thr guy who did ice age 001
its by Nickelodeon Movies who did Rango and Rugrats
That wou;d be quite the crossover
I never saw diss b4 so this is a new thing 4 me
aw gay!
its widescreen!!
Find da cure!!
Every night I burn! Every night I call your name!
so it startz with a  pick up truck driving across some mad max wasteland to a oil pump station
we see da logio on da trux front
they need to go through a 2 mile under ground water pocket to gget da oil and choose to make it so as they think there's no life in it
thats how horror movies start
so soomething f's oout and da water pressure blows the pumps and a  tentacle monster poops out as the cr-p goes up in flames
as usual in movies, exept the phantom of 10 000 fhatoms, which s-cked, we dont see the thing as it hides in a truck
so its day next and da oil company has to take em out as the wild lifew commies will shut em doewn if they find there's life in there
what is this? soviet canada??
if it weren't for da big gov, they wouldsn't have to ice em
then its a farm and main guy is b--chy over the oil companny winning a land claim
imagine if da oil company lost and they were whining about those whiny brats beating em?
so main guy lives with his mom and her bf whos a cop like halloween 1 and works at a junk yard like in earth worm jim 1 and crushes cars
danny glover is his boss and a crippleand they get the f'd truck from the opening that was busted in the blowing plant
he chops out the good parts and is working on a monster truck that looks frakensteined together like that big moe from the robotech comics and its night and he imagines beiong cool in it
when this gets remade in like a decade or so, he's gonna be one of those guys who b0nes cars and wanna marry it
on tv he sees his dead beat dad on da local news and later ses a care with a big a55 hole ripped outta it
cop from gargoyles; what could make clawmarks in solid stone?!
da next day hes's at school like goku in dragon ball evolution and has loser homies and theres more cars wiith gas tanks ripped out in big a555 holes in em
then its night and hr's working on da enginie in his cr-pmobile and hears a sound and goes out alone to look
this is how people get it in slasher films
so he sees something, runs in, and hides in a hole in da floors a55 by  barrel of cr-p and these teantaacles come in
plug ur butt!!
he escapes and traps it in da hole and gets da cops but its empty when they open it
is this a teen ET?
so stepdad chews his a55 out and thinks its made up and has had enough of his cr-p
da next day at school some bimbo whines about the enviroment and she sez at 1 ppoint da state of north dakota was under water (noahs flood?) and tthere might be a sea monster there
then its night and at wurk main guy preads oil around and da tentacles go up to da drums on this crusher and the monster is all f;d out
he feels for this abomination as it drinks oil and when it screams at him for getti g close he drops da control, it busts and nearly crushes it
he pulls its a55 out and it roars at him (hate speech!!) but figgers out he saved it and he talks to it like this thing understands human english
then help it eat oil and they throw cr-p at a truck the thing dont like
meanwhile, mayb, the oil guys check da police station about a missing monster and step dad tells em da call yesterday was fake
so its ET
at da yad, the thing nearly eats a dod and crawls around on a car wheely thing platforme
it goes in da garage with his truck and da oil guys come for the thing
he sez it mightl;ve been a coyote (ugly??) and they search da garage as the thing is in his truck as he tries to keep em from seeing it and pushes his cr-pmobile to the other garage
it figgers out how to help move da truck and the loser chick comes by to be a pest and he trys to keep her from finding out about da thing
da thing moans and da gov guys hear it and they get in da truck and the thing moves the cr-pmobile as da gov guys chase him
monster has fun as the humans freak out and he trys to drive em home
they stop in a field and he shows her the thing (not his man thing)
they go to her place and he wants to use her dads farm cr-p to get the thing outta his cr-pmobile
then a montag of him working on da truck with da thing helping
meanwhile da oil guys find out theres a hole ecosystem of monsters in there
da next day he's upgraded da car to work with the thing and is pretty smart in making the truck synchro with it
so later he goes driving with chick on a horse and they play some song
then he uprades the truck again and chick whines about animal rights
what next? plant rights?
don't mow the lawn! da grass has rights!!
also she sez the thing has a home and might wanna go back to it
they go to da gas station and he feeds it gas and this blonde and her b4 stop by and bf sez his truck looks like if a garbage truck took a dump
well, i did call it a cr-pmobile
also his truvk is a big wheel monster truck
the thing goes hyper from the chemicals in gasoline and they f cars in da road
also da oil guys have monsters trapped in containment units
i think venom ripped diss off
then he gows to meet his dad and they talk about the monster thing
theey realize the company cant drill if theres a new species there
then their dad sells out his son to da oil guys and 1 guy who looks likr clancy brown from highlander 01is gonna cattleprod main guy
the monster cr-pmobile saves em and tthey bust through dads trailor as step dad comes by and drives off
man, we're an hour in with adds
that didn't feel like much
they get chased through da city and da monsters abilities help em
hay, the male lead in this was havok in the x men movies
so they drive across roofs that can totally support its weight (like the tick?) and go through a train X ing to get over a train by jumping it as it goes by
step dad tells off oil guy for chasing the kid and nearly icing guys but oil guy sez the company owns the town
interesting that a big company like viacom would make a movie saying how big companys are bad
holy cr-p the nerd chick in here was the junkie in the evil dead reboot
so they getta way to a place her dad goes and feed the monster oil from da generator
then its night and he's bummed about his dad being a traiotr
later the thing goes in da lake and swims
btw the whole, oil co pany trying to keep a secret doown to keep their job, was used in that steven segal movie on deadly ground
at da base the oil guys play simon with da captured things for oil and they find they havve a hive mond and what 1 knows, the rest knows
but bad guy rob lowe wants them iced and scientist dont wanna but rob has dirt on him
da next day the thing left em and took da truck and they track it as main guts pphone is in da ttruck
they follow him to da oil place(how'd they get theere so fast?!) and find da trapped monsters
his thing busts in but the guards are there and tranq it annd catch the goodd guys
rob low deletes her pix on her phone and sez da cops wont believe em if they tell
then scieentist takes em and tells em hes on their side andcares about da monsters
the good scieentist and evil oil company?
wat next? global warming now being non canon??
so they get out and get danny g lover to help em remaster 2 trucks to fit the monsters and they go to the nerd guys garage andthey remaster trucks for monsters to music
so they scientisto gets the monsters and they free em and they hug
they are a mommy daddy and kid monster
so they get in trux and escape with main guy, chick and science guy drivine 1 each and da company chases em
they fight cars with tencalces which would manke a good touch scheen game on dsand flip around in the air
i just realized this is like mac and me with the creature fam and guys after em
main guy nearly falls oout of his car into a green screen cliff but stepdad saves him by plowing his car into another car heading for stepson
da company sets up a wall of fire,a firewall if you will, to trap the monsters in a path through the stone walls
then stepdasd comes in driving a massive truck like in avatar and crushes the other cars
i guess he iced a byuncha dudes
they drive off the dump truck and ride down the hill, including the scene of the wheel comming off and the tentacle catching it, and catch up to the trucks they were chasing
oh i think its poison trucks gonna poison the well
scientist ses they were locked outta da controlls and if the pressure gets too much, it will poison the underground thing
is this ferngully?
main guy fights not clancy brown in some kinda speed racer car wrtestling thing as he's nearly pucshed in da hole
but the thing in his truck does wwf and flips him over it and it busts the poison machin
then his truck falls in da hole into water
see you in h-ll tripp
but the thing pulls his a55 out and glows in da dark and brings him out as the cr-pmobile sinks
oh and another thing saved da cr-pmobile
theres a whole swarm of em in there like a55 whales and he sez bye to his monster rancer
just like ET
and the thing family saving the kid who nearly bit it from an authority guy interfering is from Mac and Me
the nerd chcik sez she found horned lizards and they are endangered and the oil thing goes cuz its protected land
guess there goes all the jobsand the town is gonna f out
then things go well and main guy drives his emastered truck with nerd girl as a couple to music
the end
that was pretty good
nice lite tvppg movie
clean and cool and has some heart
its sorta original so its more creative than most things today, even though its got a lot from 80s films
better than super 8 anyway
i thought it was cool and it had good acting, music and filming
a few clever ideas and some good dialogue
son; i take back all the bad things i said about you
stepdad; wait, what bad things??
its a decent fiilm and i think it worked
for monster trucks 2 i want it to be years later and the humans are under attack by space daemon aliens and main guy gets help from the creatures as they were the natural enemy of them from the past b4 noahs flood. also its a 32/64 bit game where you play as the guy from the 1st movie and his monster in a cyber tank as its the future and fighting alien daemon monster vehicles in a 3d destructable environment on sega saturn, playstation, 3do and n64.

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