Jack The Giant Slayer Review

Note: I spell giantic bad
Jack the giant slayer
this is my review on jack the giant sklayer from 2013(the years after the 1st robotech war)
its directed by byran siinger and stars the guy who was beat inx men 1st class, Stanley Tucci, Bill Nighy and ewan mcgregor from the less bad star wars films and no one else i know of
its based on the probably true  story of jack and the bean stalk which mickey mouse did one of
it f'd out at the box office and i've never seen it b4
so after a buncha logoz we get a kid in some castlevania hutt saying giants did thunder
its the zentraedi!!
quick! get the invid!!
his dad reads him a story of monks making magic seeds to reach God but found an inbetween area of giants
they came down and ate people and at the same time this  little girl is being read the same story by her mom
so da monks made a magic corwn that enslaved the giants and sent em home and tey cut the bean stalker
so the king who used the corwn bit it and hid his crown and its centuries kater i think
boy wants to be a kingsman and dad sez u gotta be of noble blood like that heath ledger movie and the girl is gonna be a queen
boys dad ses giants aint real byut boy thinks otherwse
btw giants were real and it sez so in the Bible except they were the kids of humans and fallen angels
thats why we had the flood
so we get the tiitle and its a decade later and jacks uncle sends him to sell da horse
in da city he sees a pplay of the giant story as i guess this is b4 they had shakesperer
waoh! its a midget!!
so thhese gguys try to b0ne this girl and boy jack saves her but its really the castle guards and jack is da princess (i mean chick is)
also jacks horse's cart got jacked
so at da castle this monk took something and he gives jack magic holy beans as collateral for the 10 coppers he owes the jack for the horse
jck dont think its worth it but monk sez dont get em wet(liek gremlins!!!) and monk gets da horse and bolts but gets caufght
jack goes home and uncle is p-ssed and sez monks got no cash and jack got f'd and knox the beans on da floor and under the boards and is gonna sell jacks dads sh-t
also chick is malcontent over king not giving her preedom when she might get fd by a buncha guys and other cr-p like alector in urotsukidoji 3
so the monk sez the kingdom shouldn't have jacked the beans from their place and  they from black magik and its dangerous but the bad guy shanks him offscfeen
so its night and unvle is out selling jacks rents cr-p and its raining as england has cr-ppy a55 weather and chick sstops by his place and they have chat
they act like they dont know who each otther are but talk about him saving her and he reveals he knowz and gives her the book they read 10 years agoo
then this huge tentackle busts through the floor like its urotsukidoji
jaxk gets out but the tentaackes trap princess in the  house and raise it sky high as jack gets on and back in
also jack hates heights and fakks off bt the tentaclee pants bump him so he dont splatter as he eventualy hits ground
he wakes up next day and the king and his dudes re there by the bean atalo andd 1 guard recognises jack
da guy princess is set to marry wants to go and uncle returns all JACK! WTF!? and jack and the boys go up da been stok to save the princess like super mario
I'm just gonna call it; one of the humans will turn on em to try to use the giants to take over
just like with edwards and the inorganics in robotech ii the sentinels
oh and da law sez princess has to marry royalty like Aladdin
btw i don't recall a princess from the jack story
wasnt there a goose that pooped gold eggs?
along da way, some men are hanging by a rope and get cut off
just like around 50 other movies did b4
so they get up there and find this weirrd land above the clouds and that princess wentb on further
they have a bit of crppy a55 english food as the rations were on the guys they cut and this scuzzy guy sez he can make jack dissappear so jack gives him some item(i think its da beenz)
on urth they find the bodirs of the guys who fell
shouldn't they be splattered like a pumpkin?
jack finds the book and busted branches and sez something grabbed princess
huh, John Kassir is in this from tales from the crypt keeper
so later the men get caught in a trap net and jack gets out hides underwater as this gianto comes oyut and gets grabs some guy
another guy (i dont know their names or who playe em and they dress da same) shanks da leg and gets kicked and giante takes em bothe as jacke followes
scuzzmo and a bad guy shove a guy off a cliff and bad guyb gets caught by a giant as scuzzmo protex imself with some item
so jacko finds this great valley and in a castle princess is being interrogated by 2 voices who sez shes a relative of th king who beat da giants
tuens out its a 2 headed giant and 1head is ret-rded and they can smell the kings blood in her(i assume he means dna)
thy have the other aught kingzmen alive (what is this? the 90s dub of sailor moon?! they got caught and wrern't actually iced?!) and want to know how to get down and ice a guy for mouthing off to them
So a giant wantys to eat da princess for cauching her and gets a mace to rhe face
then scuzzmo coes in wearing the crown and bends them to his will and is gonna use em to take over other kingdoms
including America as they mention viking myths of land across da sea
What year is this?!
I'd say between 1200 and 1400
Soviet England attacks again!
so later a giant is preparing a guy to be cooked (isnt this the Trolls movie?) and is gonna cook em alive
jack gives a guy in a taco a blade and he gets oput in da oven and cuts himself out
gotin trys to chiop up princess but jack ets a knfe and jumps and shanks him from above
he spazzes out and fall into a wal knife 1st and bites it amd they save the oven guy
so on urth the king is advised to chop down the cherry tree or w/e
jack advises thar scuzzomo or w/e was gonna take over da ingdom and her running away helped stop it and they berry the gut wo the gianta iced
so later they put a beehive in a  giants helmet and run as this small bugs have an effect on this huge monster and he falls off a cliff
the good knight over guy stays behind to get back the crown and gives jacko an emblem to show he's one of them and jack and girl escape
where are all the girl giants?
maybe they are hermaphrodites abd only look male?
so king starts choppin the tree in his saint saiya gold knight armor and his men help
up in da sky, jack and princess make out and look diwn at da urth like in superman
so how does the sun work with this sky land?
is it another realm like in urotsukidoji?
so scuzzy brings his zentraedi atmy and oven kniight ambushes him and they have a death match in an underground river
scuzz is hanging odfd a waterfall and torments over guy by knifing his hands but over guy gets him with a shank and he bites it
but b4 oven guy can gte back da crown, 2 heads grabs him and wears the crown like a ring
sorta like the regent getting iced and edwards taking over the invid
on urth the beano stalko spazzes out and oven knight jumps and grabs it as it falls
as it goes down, jack and girl swing on a vine and land in a haypile as oven knight jumps in da moat as it busts a bit of da castle
chick reunites with king and tells him how scuzzmo betrayed them
king thanks jack for saving his girl and jack sez bye to princess
so is that beanstalk evil?
imagine if people ate it and devolved into scorpian apes
so da jjiants find the beans scuzzy took and plant em on their sky island(like angel island in sonic 3?) and they go up a bit, then down for some reason
shouldn't it go to heavenn and they fight Angels?
on utrth jack sees the beans comming and rides his ghorse whhich came bak to tell da king and his men
then the giantts come running in and chase em while taking out the kings mebn
if only they had veritechs
so they run to the castle and the soldiers prepare for mortal kombat and have flaming arrows and a moat full of oil
violence jack jumps on the moving drawbridge and billy 2 heads jumps on but gets arrowed and bites it in the firey moat
wait, he fakes it and swims around
i was wondering how that could ice him
where are all the mages?
if magic beans are real then can't they cast spells?
so somehow the giants get grappling hooks and pull on the draw birdge
king tells princess to escape and light a warning beakon to the other kingdoms and jack to help
they go through hidden areas and the humans use ballistas to pull the bridge back
da giants throw flaming trees atb the city o caslte or w/e and humans sniper em with a repearting crossbow
giants bust the crowwssbows with thrown cr-p and this reminds me of that game with red and blue  plastic soldiers where you set up a small castle and an enemy side and fire stuff at it to trigger the rubber band pieces that bbust
i think its called seige
so 2 bad gets in the casyke and looks for princess and chaes em as it busts tthe place
juant grabs em and is gonna eat jack but jack throws a magic bean in his throaw and it grows outta him and wates him sorta like edwards in the genesis pit in robotech
so da giants gets through the bridge and king closes te gates but they get by dat and the beans grow outta the castle and bust it
da giants go on their knees and jack comes out with da crown controlling em
make em seppuku!!
then jack reads the story to his kids saying the guants went home, king let princess marry a non royal, and tells them the giant strory as a montage shows the crown becoming the crown in soviet england today
that was a good twist having this story and the previous one of the 1st king being long ago legends
the end
well, i liked it
its not awful
its got good charm, fun, coolness, action, not too gory or edgy but enough for dat pg13
the king wasnt shown as evil as most movies to today
good effects and sorta bada55
good reinvention of a classic story
I think it turned out well and worked
it takes a lot of stuff from other shows but i think it uses em well
not a bad way for 2 hours
Oh and jack getting the crown to stop the giants was 1st done in Robotech II The Sentinels where they stopped the Invid Brain to stop the Inorganics
for jack the giant slayer 2 i want it to be the 2030s and the giants have developed their own kinda bio tech outta mutating plants to beome vehicles and weapons and wage an attack on da urth. they bst of most of the human cities but the humans fight back with diesel powered mech suits that use a modified agent orange to burn away the plant wapons and armor. Its also a 128 bit Dreamcadt, PS2, Xboxx and GameCube game where you play as a bada55 female pilot in a mech who goes on missions to fight off the gisnts and their organic magic tech.