Friday, June 5, 2020

Battleship Review

note; my spelling is cr--ppy but this movie did cr--ppy in theatres so it works
this is myy review on battleship from the distant future year of 2012 (wwheh some cr-p happened in roobotech)
its got rhiannna, liam neeson, and no one else i know of
its directed by the guy who did hancock where will smith crammed a guys head in another mans a55
human centipede much??
now i saw this years ago but forgot much of it
alsoo i plyed the board game in the 90s and game ear game in 2020 (spiler; it was good)
so this movie s-cked at the box office and everyone sh-t on it
is hollywood out of ideas and doing board games?
well we got movies for ouija and tagt so i'd say yes
imagine a connect 4 movie about 2 drug gangs; the reds and the blacks (their colors) and they rumble in sectors of the rotting cesspoole off a city to conquer them. the winner gets the turf. and they gotta  get 4 in a row at the city bridge to control the drug supply in it
throw in a bad romance subplot and a sad moment near the end and u got a movie
btw; they used real WW2 survivors in here
imagine tthem in the 40s thinking "if only i could camei in a big budget movie based on a kids toy"
so after nearly a  full minute of logos , ewe get text sayying in 2005 nasa found a planet like urth and now are gonna do something in 2012
as the sdf 1 didnt hit macross island in 99 , it took em longer to get to the space monkeys
so they ssend a signal to this unknown place with a lazer beam which should take decades to reach as its light years away
the planet is in the goldilockks zone thats not ttoo hhot or cold so it can have earth like conditioms
meanwhile, main guy has a drink in aa bar with a homie and this blondecomes by
its homies b day and he wishes as main guy sez dont waste it on a girl
homie trys to flirt with blo9nde and she wannts a chicket burritoe as shes into forign food but the bar kitchen is closed
so homie goes to a beckers or w/e ut its closedso he breaks in to the pink panther theme as he f's the place up with idiocy
all cuz he wanted to b0ne that blonde
so he runs from da cops with the burrito snd gets tazred but gives her the food
later homie, (whio i think is the real main guy) is taking an ice bathy to shrink his psarts and his bro b--ches at him as  blonddes dad is the admiral
like wiith lisas dad in robotech?
then he joins da navy yvan eht nioj to get his life togetjer
aftter tootle its soviet hawaii and theres friendly games between america and japan
in a soccer game the american guy gets a  kick in the face in the air like a jackie chan movie and  theres a penelty kick, which he f's up and costs e the ame too Japan
one way out! (puts gun in mouth)
we're like 1 mins in and havent seen a battleship
btw, is thhis movie part oof the canon story of the battleship series?
in the game gear ver you can unlock more  attacks and ships and some hit multiple squares
later, real main guy is on da beach with blonde annd wants to ask her das to marry her as i guess she's his property or  shes underaged
meawhile in space, cr-p sh-ts
then its another day and theres war games andd neeeson is givinga speech of the uss misouri which was americcas last ahip made in ww2 or w/e
main guy sez destroyers are better than battleships  (or the other way around, i wasnt payimng atemntion) to some little wiener kid whos gonna be in the space forces after Trump makes em
so blonde gets admiral hunter to see maiin guy and he queers out and hides in a rooom to prwctice
a n asian comes in annd he sez he was practucing to ask and tthey fight offscreen
after telling the  board it was a slippery floor that made them fall into eachorher ad its  like jerry lewis, admiral hayes sez main guy is the best instincts but is a screw up and needs to get his a55 in gear or hes discharged
he reminds me of jack baker in robotechh ii the sentinels and the blonde whos dad is high rank is like karen penn
i just realized the main guy and asian might have been b0ning as it didnt show it
so they go out in big a55 boats and rhianna  compares her  superior to donald  trump and mike tyson then sez she means as both are alpha males
so bro tells main guy hes  gettimng canned and rides main guys a55 over wastung his cr-p
then we see amputees working out amd testing artifiiciall leegs
blonde wworks wiith tthis big black guy who got his legs blown off and is  bummed over it
she gets him in the mood totry aggaiin by go8ng on a walk in natuure and a hawaiian sasquatch  jumps oity and b0nes them dead
jk, reallly she gets a call from main guy and this space monkey  shiip is sighted by nasada
national association of spreading aids
also; da gov is gonna havve em wacked for seeing it
so 1 ship breaks up annd hheads for soviet asia
waiit, its by hawaii aand pieces lannd in da watur
wait, soome also hit asia
totally not like the movie armeegeddom where space cr-p f's a  city in slo mo
so the guys figger oot its from the planet they emmailed a while ago
the asians check it and find its made of cr-p not from da urth and the news spams the samee story world wide non stop
f the news
they'd be j-rkin off about this for years if it was real
soin da water by hawaii is some space  monkey thing anndthey send guys in to check it oot
well,,, thats the end of them!!
so 1  gguy touches it and gets zapped andthe thing fires a dome barrirr that covers tthe area
like with the invid hives in robotech?
maybe tthat syeven king book under the dome
you know what this movie based on a board game from the 1900s needed? space monsters!!
if they wanted to do roobotech, why not just make robotech?
then the thing in da water  turns into a big metal turtle
like tthe regents scorpion carrier in robptech ii the sentineks
btw  the guy from the war at home and  who was freddy mercury in the queen biopic is in here
holy cr-p we're an hour in
it dragged a bit but that last 30 mins whizzed by
so it blows out tthe guys sent to invrstigate  and tthe sonic boom blows the glass out off the boats miles away
shouldnt that f em up?
so they fiire a waring shot at turtlebot and it flys over them, thenoens firre on em
the earth ship takes out most of the shots but 1 ggets through and blows
then they fight but earth tech domt do jack sh-t annd they get f'd
the enemy fire looks like pegs you put in the battleship board
so 1 ship is filled with pegs annd blows
msin guy is  the hightest rankking guy alive and sez to attack
oh i think maiin guys broo got blown out too
after a japanese vessel  gets sunk, he tries too ramm them but a fata55  gets him to hellp the japanese
just like ww2 how  they were attacked by the commies and we saved em and freed asia
so the aliens launch pods that go out to the island (wasnt the area under a batrtrier?)  that busts their vehicles at the base like robotniks level in sonic adventure 2 battle
they look like beywheelz
not beyblades, beywheelz!!
but this came 1st
although both are hasbro
also they bust up the city
so this ship lunched by the turtle thing lands near blonde and blackasaur and a cop or w/e drivves by, tells em to get off the hill, and leaves w/o makking sure they do it
blackasuar decides to check out the aliens as cop said its aliens and shhip takes out cop
so later msin guy is bummed that he cant do it and 1 guy sez they need hhim and hes captain now
he ggets back in after that breif moment and when he comes back he finds an alien captured
like in robotech seasoon 2 wherethey caught a bbioroid and examined its pilot?
they take offf its mask (like predatoor?) and it looks like a ghoul
rhianna sez her dad knew tey'd come and when they shine  light in its eye it wakes upm, has a psychic link  to main guy of alien wars andesacapes to its ship
is this independennce day??
1  guy sez hes got a bad feeling about this as they hadnt ripped off sstar wars yyet and they found something in the ship which ttakes out a guy
what is this? alien??
btw another half hour whizzed by?
we're hallf way througgh!
so it kicks out a door and svans human tech anddf's with it and this big asian guy fights it
after his a55 is kicked, a  guy opens fire on it and it does diddley d0ng
it beats out rhianna next but asian guy recoversc and waiit i think its main guy, and runs to the outside
alien has a blade on his arm like predator  and rhihanna blows its head off with a cannon blast ad main guy jumps away in slo mo
is this also 300??
son of a b--ch!! the blonde is born a few months b4 me!!
were both rabbits!!
meanwhile, blonde has to gget the keys from the cops corpse and the space monkeys come out but see a big black horse and leave b4 it b0nes them
she uses the radio but a nerd who reported the space monstrs comes out and freaks out at blackasaurs fake legs thinking hes a cyborg
also; thats racist against cripples!!
alo the aliens are gonna use the sattilite to contact their home planet for more to come
sotrta like with the robotech masters after the zentraedi thing went bad?
also 1 guy tells main guy that the space guys can't handle sunlight as their masks are just sunglasses and its got eyes like a lizard
also the aliens cant be detected by radar so this japanese guy they saved sez to track water displacement with buoys to find em
so nerd and blonde need to call for help but comms are down
meanwhile, i think its night,, and the americans track the turtle bot with sonar bouys and launch missiles at where its headed
it misses and btw, they are using a grid on a screen to track it
so nerd is told to get the tech needed to communicate or black guy will break his steel leg off in his a55, which i assume is prison slang, and when he gets it, thers a spaceman there and he eventually runs
wait, why is the turtlepod moving around? also; what were they doing for the last 6 hours? j-rkin off on the floor?!
so eventually, alienss fire at ship and they shoot em down like in robotech battlecry on gamecube
it seems like ttheres 2 alien warcrafts and the americans take em both out
blonde ccalls him and sez they have 4 hours to stop the alien messae
is it buffering?!
weren't they sending the signal for the last 13 hours?!
does it hae to load all at once and then sends as 1 big a55 dump?!
so we got 1 hour left in the movie (that last 30 mins whized by like the whizzer vs man thing in marvel comics) and main guy decides to j-rk off for 40 mins and wait ttil sunrise
so its sunrise (rememmber that 00s ckids bible show  cherup wings? its by sunny side up productions or w.e. i liked it. its positive and looks like a dreamcast game) and they use guns tto crack the dark glass and are between them and the sun so they cant see and launch all attavks to blow em out
then some bweywheel pods come by and 1 guy runs from it as it chews a55 through the hall
whhy didnt the aliens do that b4?
did they not see the humans as a clear ot present danger?
they shredded hawaii for less
also; is this a thing on the 00s movie pearl harbor?
so tthe beywheels pods  f the boat anf it goes and main guy and japanese guy gotta jump ffrom the top as the propellors spin
totally not like titanic
man this rips evetything off
what next? la blue girl?!
so blonde andd big buff blackguy amputee driove ooff to do something and leave nerda55 behind
the blonde chick going with the big buff alpha male instead of the loser beta male?
this movie predicted the 2010s
so the meticans  escapeethe ship and get to the misouri but no one knows how to use tech from when we had civil war survivors
so they get ww2 vets who did it decades ago and still remember it
Vampire Aliens? As bad as the aliens in Signs.
so the alien battlefortress is ready to transmit ttheir fractal code digitize and is ready to fire all its cr-p as the ww2 boat comes at em
ww2 boat aims its cannons to the side turns, and drops tthe anchor to cause a hard jerky turn b4 the pegs get em, then opens fire and bblows the battlefortress
btw this thing reminds me of mechagodzillss
they ditch anchor and drive on but get hit onceand fire aggain
sorta like the Daedalus Maneuver in Robotech
we got halff an hour leeft
that went by quuick
so blondde crashes her car into the alien thing and unplugs the siignal
like the invid sensor nebula in robotech
but ses caught in the car so the legless blaack guy fights it and beats his a55 with his metal legs
meanwhile, to eat runtime, the boat guys carry a shell to the cannon by hand
blackasaur busts the mask off and it f''s aliens sight but he gets taken down and nerd sabes him wiith a sucker punch
camt even win a fair fight
so aliens plug back in the modem and the signal is gonna gio through
boat guys  use their last  round too take out the signal thing as the battlefortress fires more beywheels at em
then everything starts bursting and  its the air force saving them like in robotech
so then the army guys are celebrating and awarding the survivors annd bro gets an award in memory
main guy gets a promotion and asks admiral to marry blonde
he sez no but invites im to a chicken burrito and is chummy
then credits to the red white and blue song fromforrest gump
the end
but 1st, in the credits, they have a scene of an alien battlepod in sooviet scotland and scaring teens
the real end
that wasnt so bsd
it goes by fast after a while
good action
good music
yeah it rips off a lot but its still fun
i mean its a movie based on a board game
its not trying to be gone with the wind or napoleon by abel gance
its entertaining and i thought it was good at that
just a big silly action movie
btw, this movie had a video game
they took a board game, made it a movie, then maade a game outta it
its like eating a burrito, pooping it out, thenm stuffing it back in and pulling it out ur mouth!!
dedigesting it
like that ep of dexters lab where he had a belt that reversed him in time and action and he unate his food
but i thought this wasnt awful and had some good stuff
just dont go in expecting a deep epic story like lord of the rings or urotsukidoji
for battleship 2 i want it to be the 2030s and the aliens have come back and taken over the earth. they use it for making antilight that works like flashlights but fires darkness andnegates light. also they make it out of human bones. and its up to a new band of resustance fighters trying to fight them with dune buggy's that turn into armoor and lazers and reverse engeneered alien tech that lets them fight at higher speeds than humans normally can and has variable weapons. also its a 64 bit ds and psp game where you playy as one of several warriors and do missions where you fight the aliens and takke out key bases to cripple their empire.


  1. very interesting blog you have.. I will be following

    1. Thanks. Glad you like it. I try to have fun with these crazy reviews. Any movies you'd like me to take a crack at?