Alone In The Dark Review

 note; i spell faaerk i mean dark

alone in the dark

this is my reciew on Alone In Rhe Dark from the distant future year to lillian gish of 2005, the year of transformers the movie and some robotech comics

its based on a video game i never played and is said to be one of the worst movies ever

Its directed by Uwe Boll who did House of the Dead/Postal which I liked

it stars Christian Slater from The Wizard/Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves/Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country/FernGully: The Last Rainforest/Interview with the Vampire/austin powers 01/Hard Rain/Zoolander/Windtalkers/Moses in the 00s animated The Ten Commandments that I never  saw, Tara Reid from A Return to Salem's Lot/Urban Legend and ther Sharknado films, Stephen Dorff from Blde 01/FeardotCom/Immortals/Married... with Children/Blossom/Father Dowling Mysteries, Frank C. Turner from Warcraft/20`12/hot rod/Scary Movie 3/MVP: Most Valuable Primate/Ernest Rides Again/Unforgiven/The Grey Fox/The New Addams Family/Honey, I Shrunk the Kids: The TV Show/The Adventures of Shirley Holmes, Matthew Walker from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures, Mike Dopud from Maximum Overdrive/Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever/X2/Spider-Man 3/Postal/Rise of the Planet of the Apes/Tasmanian Devils/X-Men: Days of Future Past/the 2014 Godzilla, Françoise Yip from Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem//The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story/RoboCop: Prime Directives, Mark Acheson from Weird-Oh's/ tthe 00s He Man/ The 00s fantastic 4/My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic/Transformers armaxa, enertgon and cybertron/Black Lagoon, Darren Shahlavi from watchmen/3300//PostaL, Brendan Fletcher FROM aIR bUD 0001/Freddy vs. Jason/Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning/Goosebumps/The Adventures of Shirley Holmes(HE WAS stink?>!)/The Crow: Stairway to Heaven/Caitlin's Way/Flashpoint, and a few i never saw in anything

people hated this but i like cr-p so maybve its for me?

so without any warmning, we get scrolling text and narration of a lost american civilization found by mine woprkers in 67

they saw there were 2 worlds, a light and dark, like zelda or yugioh GX, and 10 000 years aGO, OPENED A GATE between em but something came through and the trtibe vanished leaving a few artifacts that talk of dark monsters in attack mode that want the gaste opened again

da gov sttarted a thing to look into this as i gguess lbj didnt have enough evil to do after hiring the grassy gnoll guy and the director or archelogy lionel hutz i mean hudgens started collecting artifacts and was later shut down

me made a lab in an ex gold mine, like the fallen angels claiming to be gods wanted humans to mine for giold in real life, and tried fiusing kids with the monsters and the survuivirs are now wantoimng to nbe awakened and are lost souls

then we see a guy lightly jogging in the woods as flashlight guys look for him

then 22 years ago, lionel gets e nun to give him kids to save the human race and to tell the cops the kids vanished

but a black guy sez 1 kid is missing and this bworn haired bworn eyed White kid is hiding in a power thing

da cops come and nun sez the kids vanished then we se the kid seeing cgi monsters in his eye

tyhen slater wakes up and a kid on da plane hes on sez theres nothing to be afraid of in da dark and slater sez there is

on a boat in da sea is dr and geting soime item from it like zelda phantom hourglass and saez someones coming in

then slater sez narrating that there a supernatural world we train outselves not to see and we all have a natural fear of da dark that protects us

and if you cant see something, it can still ice u

at 10 he lost his memory at the orphanatrium and is here to protect people from things

he takes a cab with stink from shirly homes and sez hes a paranormal investigator and theres cabs following em

so he has stink drive bad to losde em in soviet canada but they bump his cab

stink used swear words! nooooo!

the chaser slams his car into the side of stinks car and slater gets out and chaser climbs a fencer like spider man

then comes down and hammers slaTER WHO KICKS HIM THROUGH A GLASS WINDOW

THEY FIGHT IN A BUILDINGNAND CHAser beats his head on da floor and takes an item slater had but slater gets it back and runs while taking a cops gun

slater caps the guy in the tors=o which fdoes nothing and no one notices, but does it again and now pewople freak out

after a 3rd shot, they fight in an ice place and slater hits do little so chaser strangles him badly, but slater shanks his chest with a metal thing

at a museum tatra gets an artifact from the civilization thats for the dr and in da sea, drn gets this thing hes been looking for for years

in some city, slater nnotices something and goes in a building where he gets an answeering maching saying a guy had nightmares again

he looks at the thing he got and in sea at niht, they have the thing up

its made of gold and dr sez the natice guys were da 1st to use gold and it contained evil spirut

slater examinines his thing and it extends like a tleescope and he chesks the computer and on da boat, the captain beats out dr and opens da box  as he wants it

slaters head spazzes and this balck guy wakes up and other people activate into some trance and walk out

captain gets an axe and comes out to find the crew chopped up and da box open

he opens a secret part and gets an item in it and i'm not sure how hes getytoujgn back unless he knows how to man a boat, whish he might not as he had captain and crew to do that

at the unit theres reading of something and at the muesum the dr calls tara and tells her not to f with the stuff

slater has flashbacks lightning quiuck and da next dayy wakes up and the wife of a guy sez her man is gone

slater narrates that to surcive in the dark world, the people fused with mnsters but lost their humanity but got power, like the chaser, and he fears it happened to the guys who spazzed out

he meets the wife and sez hes gonna find her man and calls some guy about his childhood friend vanishing

then goes to the orphanaruim and the nun looks the same as she did 20 years ago

he sez somethigns up with him and the guy and then is at his lair looking up missing guys online

then narrates he was in the unit at 20 and learned a lot but left as he knew they wouldnt help him

also its unit 713 like the alleged camp 731 of japan

he meets a guywho gives him data on the guys who vanished and theyy were from the same orphanarium

the guuy he got indfo fromis from the 713 and he goes to see tara who slugs him for thinking he was dead afetr a hug

imagine if a guy did that to a girl for p-ssing him off?

he sjhows her this item he found in chile from 6 months of work and she sez its from 10 000 years ago like atlantis in yugioh or the dark signers in yugioh 5Ds

also creation science has proved the earth is 6000

a guard ssees something and ghoes in this area of ancient idols that are probably cursed

the lights arew out and tara and clater look around nd eventually this cgi monster uses its soiked tentacle on the graids head and b0nesv  outr his mouth

later slater and tara find  him and hear it and run as it busts the exibits

they hide in a room anbd a wood door keeps it out as it attacks so sslater caps it and it goes

then army guys bust in da ceiling windowsand come in and when the thing jumps out, they fire on it

also its sometimes inbcvisible

so dorf i think comes in and his laptop scans the area and its clear andslater wants to know whats up

dorf sez its classifiedand has slater removed but slater took a passkeyy card and meeets up with tara fior like 15 secondds and goes off

slater sees in the autopsy thing on the guy he iced and autopsy guy sez he was an agent and has something fused to his soine

its like a centipede and f';d  his nervous system and aa  scanner detects something on slater

dr comes back somehoww andtalks with tara about this image she has from slater and this chick cop interrupts

he goes offf and sez they found jack sh-t on the trip

coproner sez slater has a parasite in him but his electro shock he had as a kid killed it

then dr gets a blood samnple from this thing in a cageand injects himself wiithnit

this is going resident evil

coroner sez 713 treacted these things and theyy are weak to platnium gold and other things as it f's its abbility to f electricity

1 scanner is given to slater and certail light like the sun is fatal in large doses

also is a spercialk bullet of resin or w/e slater wants more of that cuts through em like cr--p through a goose

the chaser and  monster at the muesm were after the item at da museum andwhoever controls em might send more

coroner looks up the chaser and is called in to da commander and tara goes to see chaliterin his lair but as hes sleepinggoes through his cr-p

dortf is commandr andgriills coroner for seeing slater and will fire hij if he holds ouut infgo on slater

then tara b0nes slater for no reason to music like in da room except he dont go in her belly button

at coroners home his woman goes somnewjhere and he finds her iced, then dr sstrangles him and a centipede thing goes in his mouth and possesss him

the stomach dont lead to the spine!

and if it ate throuigh the organs, he'd die!

this is NOT anatomy!

mifght as well have it go in his a55

so tara finds a pattern on some map and the lights spazz out AND THE BLACK GUY WHO VANISHED ATTACKS SLATER

MORE GUYS COME AND f off caps lock! suck an aids b0ner! so tara caps a few and takles em out easy despirte slater having toruble wiith that chaser

they run and the chi monster attacka nd i gott asay, looks kinda cool

slater shreds it with a machine gun and it poofs into dust like zelda the phantom hourglass and  his black friend is dead now too

then a rock video of army guys firing at the monsters in the dark and it taking em out

so after hge monster are beat, dorf and his crew find slater and tara and wants to arrsts slater

theres  anoise and in the chaos, slater gets aweayubut snmipers a posessed chick who is gonna ice dorf

after ending more controlled peopleand cool gore, the scanners say its clear

wait, whgy didnt the scanner detect the possessed coming at them b4?

so dorf needs their helpto find coroner and dr and tyhere a copper ride where its said dr was in charge of an ivestifation or something, i dont know, its hard to hear

at this place is a generator being brought on and btw this is pretty widescreen and it does have color but not as bright as the 90s or as filthy as the 10s

i think theyy are in a lab or something or where dr did his cr-p

so the power still isnt on and dorf and guuys go in this tunnel thats actual matter on fiom instead of green screen cr=p

they find a dead end and look into it but then the generator gets the lights on

in this dead end is some kinda ring like a stargate in that movie i never saw and suddenly da floor gioves out and a guy falls in a hole in da earths a55

then dr sends all thse cgi monsters out to attack the humans and its kind of a cool shot and coronoer pulls a grenade on generator guy and g=blows them both to h e double soviet california

so eventually the monster sget to da base and the soldiers open fire and this is a lot like shadow the hedgehog on gamecube

so slater and dorf are going down the hole on a latter i mean ladder and at da botom i think the ladder hole closes

theres writing on the wall in stone in some symbols that tara can read saying if ur here alive, ur already dead

Nani?! ohhh! Hidebuuuuu!

so tiopdside the monsters are taking out the huamsn and choppers and in da hole this crippled by the faal chick is bit by a snake thing

they shoot the sand and, wait, how is this so well lit?!

so asian crippled chick bites it and topside the humans have pulled back and 2 soldiers are wandering aroudn w/o monsters

so i guess the monsters are done, wait, 1 soldier is firing on 1 and the guys in da hole are using a charge to blow the wall

they go in the wall and its a misty place with i thiunk plants hanging from the ceiling

1 topside soldier sees this chick who's head was f'd open and is apazzing out

its pretty brutal and most kovies are too candya55 to show that, exp with real matter instead of a cg head

so da team in da hole finds a lab with beds and slkaters name on 1

he realizes 713 implanted em with it and slater reads the unit was trying to stiop somehting they created

they find behind a moving wall thing and a glass thing, a wall that has a nucular symbol groove they can put the item slater has

he dont use it, but dr is somehow in there with a gun and takes out a guy with aheadshot like j fk or harambe

dr sez slater was why the gov shut him down and he spend 20 years looking for the itema nd wants it

tara givces it and he dont ice them for some reason an dopens da door but slater trhows a knife in him like grant in castlevania 3

like f--king idiots they go in the door and its a dark open cave like something outta lovecRAFT and all thses chi things are crawlign around

slater does i mewan dorf domes somethingand slater closes the wall door and they leave and go thotugh the tunnels which is odd as they were trying to escape mins ago

dorf cant blow the charge he placed as the signal; is too fr and goes back to do it ads slater and tara escape uip a laddert that was somehow there

dorf putsd the timer on 5 seconds like rouge needing 5 mins to get the emeraldds amd it blows and the fire goes all the way to where slater and tara jump out of by the orphganarium

totally not like dy mo might by cecil b de mille where the guy has to sacrifice himself to save the hero and the chick by blowing himself apart underground

dont worry, he got oout in time, hes gonna be ok, theres a hospital planet nearby, hes in another dimention

in the building he finds the nin iced and in da city its evacuated, but we dont hear the reason or the "official" reason

man this peaceful thing of the vity is going on for a while

slater sez the gate was closed again and the ancients were wiped out for bringing dasrkness into the light and its happenign again

then we get a 1st pwerson viewe of something zooming toward slater and tara and credits to 00s music thats acxtually kinda good

its like a 90s anime or something

maybe cascada

max wanko? that dont sound wholesome!

Kurt Jackson? like curtis 50 cent jacksojn?

the end

thAT WAS a bit cr-ppy

the effects were good but the editing was kinda weird

thewres a loyt ofd space of guys not doing anything and it draGS a bit

but its not awful

good music and monster designs and while its eirher dumping exposituon on us, it noty doing anythging, it doesnt fit often

i dont hate it, and its got some of those 00s charms like the camera work and lighting and the ay people are filmed

its not hd so it looks normal and its got some good horror ideas

theres FAR worse moviers than this that I hated more

like From Justin To Kelly or Titanic

its sorta cr-ppy but not horrible

yeah a lot dont make sensew, but its a movie based on a playstation and gameboy game by the guy who made house of the dead

its not trying to be shakespera or better yet, berserk

getting mad at this for not being some "life changing, moving piece of cenema master piece" is like hating on Schindler's List for not being funny

its not trying to be! its jusat trying to be gory and bada55 and mnysterious abnd creepy

in that it hits the mark it aimed for

the acting wasnt even that bad

maybe if i played the games i'd think different, but this wasn't the abimination the critics claim it to be

oh and I'm not sure I get WHY the dr was doing this

For Alone In The Dark 2 I want slater to have been attacked by the thing, but his hidden powers created by the thing in him biting it, activate and he has a Light Beam from his hands he fires at it to disintegrate it. Then it  cuts to years later where the shadow creatures have taken over and people fight to survive in areas with generators they keep running by buirning the dead nightmare creatuires, Also skllater is now teaching others how to use Ki to Light Attack things as the creature in him jump started his training and sklipped the effort but he knows how to  do it and has Shine Soldiers who battle the darkness, Also its a 64 bit Psp and DS game like Shining Force where you play as a Shine Soldier and lead a unit of other guys witrh various Ki Abilities and Glowing Weapons and fight the monsters and posessed on a grid wiith missions and chapters.