The Shadow Riders Review

 note; i spell gx

the shadow riders

this is my review on The Shadow Riders from the distant future year of 1982(30 years before Robotech 2 The Sentinels)

it starrts Tom Selleck from The Rockford Files/Magnum, P.I./Friends/Boston Legal/Blue Bloods/Myra Breckinridge/Coma/Quigley Down Under, Sam Elliott from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid/Mask/We Were Soldiers/Hulk/Blood Diamond/Ghost Rider/Marmaduke/Robot Chicken, Katharine Ross from the Graduate/Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid/Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here/The Swarm/donnie darko, Ben Johnson from the outlaw/Tall in the Saddle/Angle and the Badmann/Red River/Mighty Joe Yoiung/Shane/One-Eyed Jacks/Major Dundee/Hang 'Em High/Hang 'Em High/Chisum/The Last Picture Show/The Town That Dreaded Sundown/Red Dawn/the 90s angels in the outfirelds, Geoffrey Lewis from moon of the wolf/high plaines drifter/little house on the prarie/Highway to Heaven/Double Impact/Maverick/The Devil's Rejects(gay!), Jeff Osterhage from Masque of the Red Death/Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn, Gene Evans from Ace in the Hole/The Giant Behemoth(that one s-cked)/Shock Corridor/The Alamo: 13 Days to Glory/M*A*S*H, R. G. Armstrong from Major dundee/Children of the Corn  001/Predator  001/90s Dick Tracy, Jane Greer from Red River/Gentlemen Prefer Blondes/The Searchers/The Rare Breed/Billy the Kid Versus Dracula/Big Jake/Mask/The Whales of August/Back to the Future, Part III/Little House on the Prairie, Jeannetta Arnette from Touched By An Angel/V.I.P./Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, and a buncha guys not on wikipedea

Its directal by Andrew V. McLaglen who did The Rare Breed/McLintock!/Chisum/The Wild Geese

Aftyer opening credtis to guitar and showing photoes of what look like 1800s images, we get a voice over sayiongh the cvil war is ending sooon in april 65 and reading a letter he made

hes caPTAIN AND HIS BROTHER IS ON SOME SIDE OF THE VICIL WAR , then we see tom in bed and being cared for by a blonde who wants to b0ne him

she feels his feet as thats hwer fethish i assume and as she gets into his bed, a door knocks and sez the war is overand they need tommy boy

ho goes out on his horses a55 andf wait its not him and this confederate is gonna be executed for blowing a thing in da war but confederates come over and save him

the saved guy is sam eliot from hulk and is offered to come with em but he wants to go back to Texas so they give him a gun as hes a ral amercian and they goo oof w/o him

sam goers off and comes to a shed and its abandened and squatts there

later some inbred folk come by and see his horse and i think are gonna b0ne itbut sam ko's 1 with his gun and beats outy the other who used a knife

so sam goes by some town and theres these duck dynasty guys there and drops off the beat out rednecks he had with him

the rednecks want revenge on him for beating em out as theyre related

he's gonna sdquael like a pig!

meanwhile, tom and blonde arer lovey and they see they hicks gonna string up sam and tom gets ready as sam fiughts em

sams beat out and they get the noose and are gonna end him but tom comes in and sez sam is his brother

1 hick is gonna cap tom but tom takes himn out and has em on the ground as tom reunites with sam

they ride off and come to a home with a hun pointing out the qwindow and its their dadwho welcomes em in

dads got a limp and is glad to see his kids and their ma is tyhere too and thought sam was dead

dad sez some guys attcked and took someone and the food and animals

it was confederate soldiers which seems off as its usually the yankees who looted and raided the south towns

so sam and i think tom go off to find rthe family guys who got caught by alleged confederates and ask around and 1 guy sez it was renegades and if anyone tried anything theyd get iced

so the super america bros hear where the alleged renegades were headed and go on and we see all the captured women and none are asian! where are all the asian confederates?! racist!!

the chicks get spazzy and wanna escape and main chick sez they gotta figger out how to save themnselves as no one might come

theres also a lot of cows and i;m not sure if either the girls or cows are still virgins

so main chick offers a ring to a guy named jesse who she wants to marry maybe and thinks her real b4 is in h e double soviet califoenia

i think jesse is another prisoner and the alleged confederates send her back with the chicks as they are mus lim or zentrraedi and dont want the genders mixing

head renegate sez if jesse trys anything hes iced and jesee puts a switchblade in the ground and cuts his hand ropes with it

the captors have a cooking pot and main chick goes to ask main captor why hes doing it

head captor sez hes doing it to keep his southern way of life and wants to bering back the love or w/e

she sez the captives have no involvement but head cap sezx hes sorry but hes gotta do it

jesse thtows sand in a guards face and runs but the regenges chase him and they spasticly go after him

he escapes to the ocean and they dont wanna cap him but then see the women are running, they cap him and his head is hit but it dont show it blow like h e double j fk

the captors sez he would have got a good price in soviet mexico and i'm thinking, didnt mexico end slave owners rightsb4 the war?

we're only 40 mins in? i thought it was both more and less

so tiom sizemore and sam waterston go on talking of this chick sam want3ed to marry but she might thiunk hes dead

at later the head cap sez sorry to main chick about her friend and offers her booze while saying they'd give her a good southern life

she sez they';d cap him for his acts and he sez he's  still a southern army guy

also jesse had an extra life as he crawls outta the water a tnight

a boat comes y and it might be pirates or maybe butt pirates and later jesse sees the america bros and is glad to meet him

ofh they are all brothers

so the boat guys come on and 1 looks like col sanders and cap head wants to end the yankee menace

not sanders gives em guns and will get him 200 more and ammo in 2 days sailing but he wants money 1st

head cap sez the people he caught will do well in da silver mines and not sanders wants the women to buy as butt slaves

he offers 5000 $ for the blonde as  mexicans like em blonde and thicc in ther a55 and with 12 rifles, head cap sells main chick

jesse tells tom and sam about the captors wanting to sell the men/women for things in h e double mexico and jesse sez he got a shoulder shot in ytennessee but bros dont care what he was on

at the beach, not sanders sez they'd go with the slaves and a  few guys to get the cr-p and in days later they'd send for the cattle and men

not sanders offers main chick pheseant and if she uses the kknife on him, his man would cap her

he sez he's gonna bring him as his woman but worries she'd make a necklane of his teeth, but is gonna leave her there and get her later, while takijg the other girls too sell

hih, this is based on a novel byu Louis L'Amour

so the boats  leave with the indentured servants and later tom and bros come overand sneak around liki ninja and take out the guards

so a stampede happens and trhe tom bros gun down the captors and save main chick wait not her weait it is her

she sez they took the girls and where theres going to mexico and the need uncle blkack jack like the opsamu tezuka character

hes a convict and has a ball and chain on and is sawing a law and was in jail for something about a chick and capping guys in defence

sam sez they need him and they blow the door to the jail house with dino might and ride off with him

so jackie knows all the info on soviet mexico and places to b0ne and jesse sees some horses comming for em

jack sez he capped the son of a mayor and tom sez if they catdch him he cant be mayor and they book it

so they cross the rio grande and the boats make it to mexico and brign the slaves to the mexicoes who gomoff on carts

later the goodf guys wake up and the way they keep meeting new members of the team is like a jrpog like lunar or breath of fire

jack had been out with chicks and then he returns as the posse comes closer and jack sez they want hi for drinking and doing something he regretted

this is wy i dont drink

so they bring the slaves to meixicowho lust after the blkondes and are probably gonna fatten em a bit to giuve ewm ther booty they desire

the chicks are put in a cage and elsewhere, sam talks with chick about how she was into a guy named frank but she said she'd wait for him

she told him she heard he was dead and waited too long for him and she gets b--chy over him not asking hert what frank asked her

tom and jesse joke about it and tom asks jesse hows ur love life

tommy wiseau asks; hao ees yoor secks laif?

jesse is too busy with helping his rents to b0ne any chix and tom ants to be governer

jack sez he knows people near by and they will let him in but not the others and he gon go to pray at a mission

at da church, jack steals a priest robes as i guess he dont care about going to h e double england

AT SOviet  mexico, the head cap wants to see the guns now and not sanders caps the casptors man and has head captor locked up

jack wants to use chick as a fake nun to sneak in undercover and have sam and tom do stuff as hthe captor knows jesse

tom tells chick that sam is worth statying with as hes got some issues but is good inside or some cr-p from care brars

tom and chick talk about if its risky to go in the camp and tom keeps shifting the subject

she sez he runs from women and he sez hes got no room in his life for 1

so they go to the base and jack has dino might and booze he stole and plans on doing stuff

so chick goes in as a nun and jack goes in saying something aboiut his nephew

chick goes to the jail and meets te sisters and not sanders recognisez hwssr and talkkes off her nun robe

at the cantina the jack and the tom and havin cigars that i hope are not chronic and gets em in theere

jhe locks em in and throws the dino might and blwos emm apart in a splattery burst thsat probably has shredded fl;;esh and rended organs arll over the wall

aLL H--LL BREAKS LOOSE AND GUYS ARE SHOOTING AND TOIMS THROWING DINO MIGHT AND JESSE AND SAM COME  IN ADN CAP THE GUYS AS THEY RIDE IN

TOM AND FRIENDS  i mean head captor granbs a mexico and strangles him form his prison cell traincar and takes his gun and gets out

the train starts going with a guiy on the logs firing and tom caps him and gets after it by taking a guys horses a55

jesse shoots off the lock and frees the chicks but the main chick and the sisters or w/e are on trhe train

sam meets the head captor and sam spares him as head captor wasd the guy who saved him at the start and lets him go off

tom and friendfs go after the train even though back to the futuire 03 says a train can go faster and the posse gets there after the fight

like how the courts have ruled that the cops dont gotta risk their lives to save u and are mainly there to clean upo after

so tommy boy comes after da train and colon i mean colon sanders throwas a stick of dino might and blows tiomes horse

the sisters yell like he can hear himn, outsaide and with the train sounds

he and sam get on da train somehow and colon sanders sez they are gonna send em to mexico city

tom looks in hanging upside sown and his hat stays on and they bust in the winfddsows as glass is candya66

they beat out and throw the guards out the windoiw and get colon sanders at gunpoint and make him stop da train

they come out with him and uncle black jkack is caught by ther posse and the head posse guy looks undead

the supoer tom selleck brothers hold the posse at gunpoint and wanna make sherrif  head posse let him go

they eventually get sherrif to admit that jack was b0ning his wife and jack sez his widfe was chasing him for years and he just stopped running

chick offers to trade colon sanders for black jack pershing and her accepts

what is he? a yugioh card?!

sherrif sez he dont want jack in his town of big springs and tom sez hes running for sherrif of bigsprerings

so the posse goes back and the fam whos called traven but i heard draven like in the crow, start their long road back home

the end

That was pretty good

nice lite bright colorful earthy toined 80sd western

good plot twists and story and it had some heart

nice adventure and quest and the acrting and music was good

tom and sam were good and pretty bada55 but nice guys

its not the most serious but tis pretty hardcore and is more clean than most things now

its a solid pg and i hjonestly dont recall swearing even

its good to see tom selleck having fun as i know him most from blue bloods(d hero bloo d)

For The SAhadow Riders 2 I want them to be heading home and as tyhey leave mezxico, come across a cursed town where the residents were devolveed by daemons they worshipped into chimpeople and need help from tom and friends to find the cure, they go around mexico collecting holy items to heal the devolution and take on the daemon thast corrupted them, alsdo they were turned from too much chronic. Its also a 128 bit RPG on Sega DreamCast, GameCube, PS2 and XboX where you play as them and go aorund through carious dungeons inmexico from the people before.