The Devil Doll Review

note my spelling insnt bad. its art!
the devil doll
this is my review on the devil doll
ooh mgm
its by tod browning who did all those weird lon chaney films
based on a book burn witch burn
and stars lionel Barrymore
after the opening credits we have a hunt on an island for escapees
1 escapee wants to do good the other is vengeful
in a lab this chick with a crutch works on something but her dogs start going nuts
the escapees get there and 1 is her husband
wtf the husband sez da cops lost their trail weeks ago
its been weeks?!
he sez he figured out what went wrong with their experiments and now can make da perfect brain
oh and veegful guy saved his life
they show em toy sized small dogs that are actually real dogs but shrunk
he sez thousands of years ago creatures were bigger
but things run outta food
so he wants to ahrink everyone to save food
also he reduces electrons in the body to make em 1/6th their size
but it wipes their brains
he uses his mind to make the small dogs come alive and eat
but stops and they go back to being toy like
they take a break and the chick gets mad at her maid/slave for being inbred and ret-rded from a berlin slums
that's racist
the vengeful guy (lionel berryboe) sez he was a successful banker in paris and wants revenge
later the husnand has shrunk the inbred chick and her ret-dedness is cured
I know the frenchies hate the germans for owning em in ww1
but still man
this is kinda f'd up
also, why'd her clothes shrink?
the husnad bites it for some reason and the chick wants to carry on with human experiments
what is this? BAOH?!
LIONEL is gotten to help her by concentrating on the inbred girl
btw, inbreeding in a 40s movie? that's surprising
lionel wants no part of this and to make her human sized
but the chick gets him to go to paris for revenge
in paris the bankers who f';d lionel berrymore get freaked out about him coming back for em
they iced a guard and embezzeled cr-p
they offer a 50 ooo franks reward of his own cash for his capturre
its later booster to 100 000 franks
we get a cool montage too
lionel makes like lancer in season 3 of Robotech and crossdresses to avoid capture
hes a wanted man so they aint looking for a chick
he in disguise sells a hunk horse tto a banker
wait, hes pitching an idea to get funding to make more and stat a business
good old capitalism
it works
he invites him to his shop and the next scene is them in the shop
the banker dont want his name on it
he shows him more stuff and stabs him with a poison needle
he comes out with his being lionel ad sez he wont ice him
later a cop comes by and sez a neighbor is whining about something he left outside
they just cut from him with a poisoned guy to another scene?
sounds like he b0ned him
]he then goes to see is daughter who hates him
she works in a cleaning thing
they talk a bit and get along b4 he leaves
the daughter goes to the eifle tower and whines about being the kid of a crook
as a kid the other kids f'd her up over it
now she blames him for her mom committing seppuku and her life issues
oh and shes got a bf
who not lame the ids who were mean to her?
later the ionel comes y his moms place I think and sez he ants to come out to his daughter
but she wants to talk to her 1st
but then the daughter comes by and they chat
she b--ches about how her dad s-cked and blames him for al her cr-p
what a b--ch
well, she is French
they go mental a lot
a cop comes in asking if she met her son
she denies it
r the 2 remaining bankers chat about wanting to skip town but they cant cuz its Christmas
1 leaves then lionel arrives
he shows a doll to a female and sez its 250 ranks
he checks her necklace and talks to a banker
he buys a doll and he has a daughter he bought it for
at night lionl uses his mind to control the doll in the girls room and crawls up her a55
ok that didn't happen
really she comes out and jacks a necklace to give to lionel
I think
then stabbed the banker with a poison needle
btw really good effects
they look a bit off but still good
the banker isn't dead, just unable to move
the cops want this solved
later he makes shrunk people dance
but the chick knocks 1 over and nearly kills her
he treats her wound but a cop comes in
the necklace is missing and he suspects lionel as he sold the wife a doll yesterday
lionel fakes freeing out and the cop sez he just wans a few questions
the cop looks at a doll as the chick hides the necklace in a toy
the cop plays with da toy but the lionel gets it away
after not answering any questions the cop leaves
the last bad guy talks about ho the last guy is now a reverse vegetable
liolen slips him a list of bible verse numbers
later he decodes it and it sez confess or u gon bite it
he cuts off the lat part that sez confess and burns it
but its something he wrote
why not just rewrite it?
he calls da cops and they show up to protect him
lionel controls a small chick in the xmas tree and it comes down
how is he controlling it?
does he wat it sees?
do u c wat I c?
do u c wat I c?
a cop sez its probably a religious fanatic
I'm pretty sure atheist fanatics re more unbalanced
look at mao and stalin and tokugawa
he doll goes up to him and I onna shank him
this takes a while
time is gonna run out b4 he gets shanked
but he confesses and doesn't get vegtabled
was he gonna vegetable him?
the only guy who can clear him?
just get revenge instead winning?
after hes proven innocent he knows he cant be public as the other 2 guys ends would nail him
he wants to destroy the doll cr-p machine and leave but the chick wans to keep going
yeah that whole; shrink the world into vegetables to save food, idea was so worth it
she mind controls the 1st guy he shanked to try to shank lionel
but he sees it coming and sez he otta ice her
but he don't
she is gonna use chemicals to blow the lab but he gets out and it burns
the cops find nothing and think she blew the place after mailing her confession
and it wasn't ionel after all who vegetable those 2 guys
I'm sure she's gonna come back in the sequel for revenge
he takes a cab with the daughters bf driving and they go to the eifel tower
he tells the bf he cant be with em and she can have his fortune
hes gonna leave but the daughter comes up to meet da bf and sez she regrets being a b--ch about her dad
lionel sez hes a friend of her dad and escaped from jail with him
she sez she don't hate him but lionel sez lionel bit it in the swamp
his last act was writing a letter
how he bite it?
gator?
bigfoot?
cannibals?
linel tells her to forget him and find happiness
he sez da sun is almost down and when the bf sez its coming up again tomorrow lionel sez "will it? i wonder"
he goes down the tower and sez its the nicest evening of his life
the end
tat was pretty good
other than the French butthurt over the germans owning em in ww1 it was nice
good tension effects and suspence
was this based on a true story?
what YEAR IS THIS TAKING PLACE?
F caps lock
but I liked it
for the devl doll 2 i'd like for it to be the next day and the sun hasn't risen. the town freaks out and it turns out the lab going up caused a black magic thing to happen and t a barrier between the country and the sun. lionel knows the chick did it  her will has fused with the chemicals and it blowing caused it to f the atmosphere. also its awakened the vengeful spirits of france who fell during the scarlet pimpernel days who hated the rich and they are now daemons who want to ice everyone with cash. so lionel uses his enhanced mind powers from controlling the dolls and powers up with psi armor and fights em to get to the sky where the chick's will resides to ice her and free the French. oh and his enemies have fused wit daemons to become the 3 emperors of her will and he must fight em as bosess. its a 2d platformer with him fighting monsters in weird daemon dark rotted france and is like Castlevania and spider man on sega genesis

Rope Review

Note; my typoes are inspired by real words
rope
this is my review on rope(1948)
Its got jimmy stewart and is directed by Alfred "blackasaur" Hitchcock
its based on a true story of 2 gay guys who chopped up some kid in da 20s
it starts with the 21st century universal logo which looks outta place in a 40s film
then the credits scrolling up
douglas dick and dick Hogan??
sounds like a p0rn0
all we need is dick van dyke
and dick miller
so these 2 guys strangle a younger guy and hide his body in a trunk
how'd he scream if he as strangled??
btw this film is shot as if 1 long take in reAL TIME
and in long takes of uninterrupted filming
every 10 mins or so they use a camera trick to cover the breaks
as cameras could only hold like 10-15 mins a film per reel
that's why in the 10s and 20s they called 20-30 min films; 2 reelers
the guys talk about their victim
1 guy is nervous the other is cocky
nervous suggests icing cocky but sez hes just uneasy
cocky sez they killed for fun and how they see themselves as some kind of ubermenchs
I'm surprised they didn't do a law and order ep about this
also they're having a party soon and I think the invited the victims rents
yeah these are our protagonists
serial killers
they have candles and dinner set up on the box with da body in it
1 guy pulls out the rope from the box they killed him with
a lady comes by and thinks the candles on the box is odd
cocky sez its like a sacrificial alter
what is this? Yugioh?!
he hides the rope in the kitchen drawer
they talk about inviting someone who could finger em for the crime
but cocky sez its more of a challenge and he almost got him to join em in the icing
but the guy didn't have the nerve to wack so they are superior
more guests arrive and cocky sez nervous is going away to practice some instrument for some event
and they invited the guy they wacked
good alibi
more guests arrive and they chat some more
I missed a bit as I was reading wikipeadeia about Harrison ford
nervous cut his hand on a cracked wine glass
btw right b4 they iced him the vic had alcohol
the vics rents show up and say they expected their kid to be with the killers
cocky sez he expected him to come wit the rents
they talk about how good their son is
nervous gets his palm read and the chick sez; those hands will bring him great fame
more like infamy
then jimmy stewart comes in
hes the housemaster and the one the killers talked about earlier
cocky gets nervous around jimmy stewart
I think he has a crush on him
jimmy steart sez its weird they use the chest for the food table
and mentions a story cocky told as a youth about a bride who hid in a chest on her wedding and 50 years later they found her bones
they wonder where the victim is
one chick finds it off that nervous don't eat chicken
cocky sez a few years ago nervous was killing chickens and one want quite dead
nervous freaks out and interrupts and sez he never strangled a chicken
jimmy stewart sez murder has uses for stopping unemployment and waiting in lie for movie tickets
sounds like a democrat cuz hes pro choice
he goes on about the people he thinks its ok to ice
another liberal idea; punch a na zi! they disagree with me!
jimmy strewary sez there should be killing seasons as art
and hes not joking
and how morals are for lesser men and the superior otta rule
again; very left leaning
the vics dad gets uneasy about this killer talk and they stop
who is superior? who decides?
good themes
this is like law and order before it got all preachy and up its own a55
1 chick finds out the killers knew she and someone had something happen with the vic and gets p-ssed
she also sez the killers did something to stop the vic from coming and its one of his sick jokes
the maid sez they had her take the afternoon off and the killers were acting weird
jimmy stewart asks what 1 killer is playing at and he avoided the question
he asks where the vic is and what the cocky guy is doing with the guy and girl he's manipulating
he grills him on the chicken story being true and his odd acts
also  the killing rope was used to tie books
jimmy talks with the killers about where the vic is as the maid cleans off the box
maid nearly puts the books in the box but cocky stops it
man the dad sounds like tony jay from reboot and skeleton warriors and mighty max
everyones worried about the vic and starts leaving
as jimmy leaves he accidently gets the vics hat b4 getting his own
why'd they keep his hat?
the killers bicker about the events and nervous worries hes gonna get caugfht
the phone rings and nervous gets nervous
its jimmy stewart saying he forgot his smokes case and wants to come up
they know hes lying but they invite him up anyway
cocky gives nervous a drink to shut him up
but alcohol weakens our senses and defenses
cocky gets a gun and jimmy comes in
if he knows they killed the vic, why is he going up alone to a room with 2 killers
he hides his case behind some books on the box and talks for a bit before picking it back up
he has a drink and eats time with dialogue
he talks about the vic and lightly lets on hes putting together the case
he sez he knows cocky is into tricks and they talk about how jimmy would get rid of the vic
he almost lets on he knows its the box but diverts to say they took him outside
nervous cracks and lets on he knows they are doing cat/mouse
jimmy calls it when he sez cocky has a gun in his pocket but cocky laughs it off
he pulls out the rope and nervous snaps and pulls a gun and sez cocky made him
jimmy fights him over it and gets he gun after firing off a shot
coky sez nervous was drunk and jimmy looks in the box
jimmy is freaked out but cocky sez its ok cuz theyre superior and its what jimmy talked about
jimmy stewart has an epiphany that he was just talking sh-t and he'd never do that
also hes ashamed of his left wing life devaluing views and now sees how each of us has value
he sez they're both gonna bite it and opens a window and fires the gun
people outside call da cops and soon the apartment will be a crime scene
cocky just has a drink and jimmy sits by the box
nervous plays piano
the end
wow
that was pretty good
good life views and character development for jimmy
showing the dangers of devaluing life
plus good camera work
it really looks kinda like one long take
the sun and daylight change over the film is well done
for rope 2 i'd like it to be a courtroom film where they are on trial for wacking that guy. jimmy stewart is scapegoated for twisting their morals into thinking they did nothing wrong and they get off. the thing is appealed to the supreme court and its decided that its ok for the superior to ice the inferior. also they set out special months for who can be iced when and how. which is then overturned to say that infringes on the rights of killers and now you can ice whoever you want, however you want, whenever you want. and the last act of the film is just people splattering eachother.

The Man With The Golden Arm Review

note; I don't do drugs b ut I spell like I do
the man with the golden arm
this is my review on the man with the golden arm
its got frank Sinatra who I hear was kind of a d-ck in real life
but he did turn catholic
it starts with smooth jazz and white lines moving showing the credits
is this about blow?
so frank gets off a bus with suit cases and walks around this sorta caligari town
ewwww
its widescreen
he sees guys drinking
they make a guy dance for booze
he meets a nerd who cant read and are glad to see eachother
hes back rom somewhere are was in a band
a shady guy invites him back to his place but frank doesnt consent as "I kicked it"
were they b0ning?
I assume he was having secks addiction treatment as the dr sed; 1 fix and ur hooked again
frank wants to join a big a55 band and is said hes got an at of pure gold
he moves into an apartment and this wheelchair chick is there and glad to see him
she kisses him a lot
keep it PG
no B0NING
he made her jewelry outta cigarette wrappers
he sez he has to keep busy to avoid cravings
cant stop j-rkin off
he started music to keep busy
I missed a bit as my busty blonde gf was talking with me on the phone
his woman needs money to fix her issues
he has a letter from the dr but the woman don't want him to go downstairs to use it
he goes anyway and phones
lol his name is "frankie machine"
that sounds like a P0RN0 name!!
just pull the lever!!
nerd brings frank clothes and his woman is going mental over him
he leaves and she has a whistle she uses when feeling unbalanced
he goes to a bar ad the shady guy is there and tries to seduce rankie to doing cards for him
I love thee 50s movies
its sets remind me of black like me or bucket of blood
the cops pick up frankie for being a dealer
they say he shoplifted his suit
they put em in the cell without any black people
I assume this is b4 they were invented
nerd gives frank a cigarette
shady guy comes in and set fran up to get him to work for him
frank consents
its revealed frank was good in the war
1 guy in the cell freaks out
frank is triggered
later frank an nerd are in a dark room b0ning eachother
jk they're really playing cards
nerd sez the shady guy has 14 year of junkies seeing him and shady guy nearly kills him
I assume hes b0ing them for drugs
after the game shady guy tries to seduce frank to his place
frabk runs off to a strp club or jazz bar or something
he flirts with a blonde named molly
nowadays molly is a drug
hes bummed but moly is hopeful
he ants a stage name jack duval
whats wrong with frankie machine?
thats more memorable
shes b0ning this guy who frank sez she can do better than
he wants to b0ne her but his wife from b4 is still in love with him
don't cheet on your wife frank Sinatra!
oh wait...
he brings a drs note to a guy for a band audition
but the guy is worried frank is gonna go back on drugs
but he trusts frank Sinatra
yeah that's a good idea
later the guy hasn't called back and frank is rubbing his wifes legs
shes b--ching but frank hears da phone and runs to it
its not for him
then a polish dr comes by to see franks wife
he gives her a q ray bracelet and tells her to eat spicy foods
then vibrates her spine with a buffer
she reveals he drove drunk and crippled her then married her
hes a drunk driver?
couldn't he be a cannibal or child mo lester or anything less awful?
at a bar the nerd as a squirrel catching dog that's prey is going extinct cuuz of global warming
good thing both are fake
frank goes to the shady guy and gets injected
hes on drugs!!
5$ for heroin??
and last time it was 2$?!
that's cheap
hey junkies, go back in time!
after getting injected with drugs, he sez he never ding it again
later hes at home and the wife is playing with the dog
he finds his drumsticks on a dresser top and she sez she walked there and put em
but might be sarcastic
he plays drums but it s-cked and
she tells him  to stop
she wonders where her cash is going
she want beer but its not good for her
shes 25 and cant do sh-t
she admits she knows about his gf
he denies meeting her but
she wont buy his cr-p
he leaves and goes to a bar
what a d-ck
he crippled her, cheets on her, and treats her like cr-p
they otta pull off his parts
at the bar he chats with molly and calls the guy
he finds out the guy lost his number and search all week for it
he has an audition Monday
he asks molly to play drums at her place
she sez no cuz it would hurt her bf
also the bf is a drunk
he don't care and tries to get her to change her mind about b0ning him
she eventually sez he can come by once in a while
what a bast-rd
pressuring someone and getting em to cheet on her loved one
while hes doing it too
later he playing drums in her place and she gets changed outta her tight dress
aw gay he joined the musicians union
and he sold his drums
I think
unions are no good
he sez hes quitting the card games and drugs
he talks about how he thought drugs were fun but once he couldn't get his drugs and went mental
if my kid did drugs, i'd fill him with bugs!!
he sez he had his last drugs and he means it
to quote my black friends; my a55!!
the molly falls asleep (which makes me think she did some drugs as she was awake a few mins ago)
later the shady guy comes by and threatens the wife
hes got a big game coming up and needs frank
he comes home later and she wants him to go back to the shady guy for their safety
he doesn't care and goes off saying "if they get raided again he's lose his job"
having a job?
or being alive?
whats better??
the shady guy and some other shady guy pressure frank at a bar
shady guy sez he cant eat candy anymore and once ate a lotta candy
he seduces frank into going with him
it looks like they're gonna b0ne
later he goes to talk to molly and assaults a guy
wtf the chicks on stage are in lacey undies
this is a strp club!!
she goes home and he follows her
is this a horror movie?!
hes gonna b0ne her deAD!
she skips town
in the real version I think he b0ned her dead
he goes to the card place and plays a card game with some guys
I don't get why its called
the golden arm
is his arm magic?
later this chick comes by saying franks wife needs him
shes really upset as she actually cares for that d-ck head
during the card game he tricks them outta a winning hand as he was bluffing
frank wants to go and get payed but the guys wanna keep going
he don't get payed yet and the shady guy plays em
he comes home beat ad goes to bed with his wife
but the music sez something happening
instead of sleep he rns back to the card place for drugs
they need him to card game and cant pay him
he needs to be fresh for tomorrow for his appointment
so he plays and is doing cr-ppy
they don't let him leave even though hes tired
if he has cola it can wake him up
getting a b0ner gets blood flow and heart rate up and keeps u up
so later hes losing and they keep running low on cash
they learned not to buy his bluffs
they play and hes sleepy but they catch him cheeting at cars
frank gets beat up
they otta b0ne him dead
his nerd sill believes in him and comforts him
he throws the nerd away and goes to the drug place
he beats down the drug guy but cant ind the drugs
nerd tries to stop him but frank goes to his audition and wears a tux
he s-cked at it and books it
he goes home needing cash and leaves
the wife can walk
the shady guy comes by and finds she can walk
he threatens to out her so she shoves his a55 down the stairs
wait
its down the stair hole
that's the end of him
huh, I thought the woman bit it
haven't seen this in a while
frank goes to see molly
didn't she skip town?
the cops grill her thinking frank did it
molly comes home ad she rejects him
he just wants cash
isn't there some OTHER way he could pay for it??
she tries to get him to stop
her bf comes by but hears frank is in there
he sez the cops are after frank and she sends his a55 packing
he sez he cant face da cops w/o drugs
she suggests manning up and toughing it out
hes too candy a55 to do so, so she gives him cash
she rags on him and tries to help him with tough talk
her friendship speech like tea from Yugioh gets his a55 in gear and he has himself to be locked in til hes over his junkie-ism
da cops pick up the nerd and grill his a55
then let him go
frank goes mental in the apartment drinking water a lot
why not just b0ne da blonde while trying to get over the drugs?
keep ur mind off it
he tries sticking things in his arm
good this this aint da 80s
he'd get aids
molly tries to get the wife to help frank
she tells molly as long as shes in da chair he wont leave
man, he broke her brain too
she kicks molly out
good
moly comes back and he tries to ice her
so she tricks him into the closet
he stops taking sounds and she gets worried and opens it
hes on the ground and hes going mental
imagine a drug ep of care bears where no heart gets kids into drugs so they don't care about anything
and one care bear gets hooked on it!
imagine if she couldn't stand to see him like this and executed him
by busting his head with a sledge hammer!!
she sees someone at the door but I was typing so I dont know who it was
she gives him suger and hes feeling better
she gets a razer from a bag of sharps se hid while he was jonesing
including a cheese grater
imagine killing a guy with a cheese grater
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
she tells da cop frank is wth his wife and they go to see him
frank breaks up with his wife he crippled and mind wrecked
hes skipping town
she tries to get him not to go and stands up
he sees her but she sits down hoping they didn't notice
oh and the cop saw
she runs away and falls off a ledge and bites it
look wat you drove her to frank
she sez she loves him so much and bites it
frank might as well have chopped her up and b0ned the parts
then ate em
sick bast=rd
he walks off with the molly to a cop car and the white lines form a crooked arm
the end
that was a well done film
good jazz
good scenery
good acting
too bad frank was such a d-ck
its like the 20s film WINGS
great movie
but the main character you just with would get blown apart
for the man with the golden arm 2 i'd like for it to be the 80s and hes still using. he finds out he got da aids from a bad needle and sees its the end. he decides nothing matters and goes around sticking people with needles full of his aidsblood to bring em down with him. also the molly girl is revealed to have been b0ned dead by him in a drug relapse until her torso ruptured and organs spilled out(as seen in a slow mo high def flash back that's repeated often)

The Black Cat Review

note; this keyboard is cr-ppung out
the black cat
this is my review on the black cat (1934)
its got boris Karloff and bela Lugosi
its named after a thing by edgar allen poe
I never read it
its directed by edgar g ulmer
he made movies fat and cheap
its by universal who did a lotta horror In da 30z
it starts with credits showing who plays what with film clips and names
then a newly wed couple is on a train in Europe
why don't 20s and 30s girls have long hair?
lilian gish had long hair
as did greta garbo kinda
so bela Lugosi is put in  their train room
this is how horror movies start
hes going near their same direction to see a friend
later he runs his hand by her head
he sez he left his woman to go to war for zee kaizer
and talks about a prison where most don't make it out
he made it out after 15 years
they get off and its raining
they go on a bus with leather flap doors and Lugosi sez to take em near someones house
bus driver sez in the war many bit it
and the river was full of BLOOD
and its the biggest graveyard in da world
the bus crashes and driver bites it
such a useful character
he had like 55 seconds of screentime
they walk to this weird castle thing with many crosses near it
inside it looks like the crippled guys apartment from clockwork orange
apparently the wife has a leg wound
over a wall communicatior the Karloff is told legosi arrived
this place looks really 70s
like the omega man or something
Lugosi treats the wide and sez she'll be ok
Karloff comes in and looks at her
Lugosi fill him in on the last 12 mins of plot
they go and Lugosi sez Karloff built his place on his victims as hes a murderer and wants his wife and daughter back
one bit it and Karloff left the men who bit it to bite it and took his wife or daughter or w/e for his own
husband comes in and sez he likes the place
Lugosi sez the place was built on ruins of a fort
Karloff is an architect (like art vandelay??) and Lugosi is a psychiatrist
Lugosi seez a cat and picks it off with a throwing knife
its offscreen
if made now it would show it sliced in 2
like the dog in riki-oh
the wife comes up kinda dazed and Karloff sez Lugosi is afraid of cats
Lugosi sez he gave her drugs that means she needs rest
also it can give em psychic feels
husband don't buy it  and sez when the cat got cut the wife went weird
Lugosi sez that black cats have powers or something and are evil
my bro had an Egyptian cat
it was a c-ck sucker
it p-ssed everyone off
one day it ran out
and we were free
husband has the door open with Lugosi net door
if this were made nowadays they'd be b0ning
btw this movie reminds me a bit of a page of madness(920s artsy Japanese film)
at night Karloff walks around holding a black cat and looking at women in lass cages
its like in new cutey honey with the jewel princess
Karloff comes in the room looking form Lugosi but its the husband
Karloff comes out of the next room
Karloff sez hes gonna takes him to his wife
he shows him the under layers of the building with the fort still part up
Karloff shows luosi his wife preserved in a glass box
he wanted to have her beauty always
is he some kinda necroqueer?
also his daughter bit it
Lugosi is gonna cap Karloff but a cat shows up and freaks him out
Karloff goes on a wordy poetic monologue about how they were dead since that battle and they're gonna play a killer game
but they gotta wait for the couple to leave
Karloff gors upstairs with a blonde chick in bed
is that Lugosi's daughter?
were they b0ning?
yep
Lugosi tells his henchman to wait as the place is full of (kid)dynamite
Karloff reads a book on black arts
the next day the wife don't recall the last night and Lugosi and kArfoll comes in
Karloff wants to keep the wife there and use her for a black ritual
Lugosi wants to ave her so they play chess to decide who gets her
wat is this? Yugioh?!
the couple get kinda lovey dovey and she sez she hates the place
da Austrian cops come in(wait theyre Hungarian) about the accident
the cops talk about who's hometown is better
they get info and the cops cant take em to the village cuz they ride bikes and leave
such comic relief in this demon worship horror movie
Karloff and Lugosi play chess
oh and karlof sed they can get a train lift at 11 pm
husband wants to leave and Karloff tries to persuade em
but the car is out of order so they gotta wait
husband wants to phone but it don't work
the couple tries to leave but someone swiped the husbands gun
Karloff wins at chess and now Lugosi has to let kaloff b0ne him
they try to leave but this big henchma guy beats the husnand and carries the wife to a room
Karloff locks her in and hunchman carries off husband to da basement
ooh theres moving passages
this would be a good video game
later Karloff plays the bach song da nana, da nana nanana used in fantasia with the horror
Lugosi tries to help the wife and tells her how Karloff killa his famalee!
oh and how Karloff is a demon priest and wants to sacrifice her
sounds like Yugioh
he tells her to be brave and leaves
also she asked why Lugosi didn't ice Karloff
good question
Lugosi's daughter comes in and thinks Lugosi bit it
also she married Karloff
but I think it was a demon wedding
wife tells her lugosis alive so he takes her offscreen and I think b0nes her dead
so its almoist time for the ritual and theres guests arriving
all these Europeans show up and Lugosi I mean Karloff has a black ceremony where he reads latin
the cult brings the wife down and Lugosi comes in too
oh and the lugisi minion works for Karloff now
husbnd wakes up and escapes the hidden room
Karloff is gonna do something to wife but daughter screams and faints
in the chaos Lugosi and his minion now working for him again save the wife
huband beats up butler  but loses and butler guns down the henchman but bites it
wife tells Lugosi hia daughter is alive but he finds her dead
Karloff comes in and they fight
I think it wasn't his daughter who screamd
henchman is alive long enough to help Lugosi chain up Karloff and pull off his clothes
he gonna b0ne him!!
Lugosi skins him alive but it don't show it
if this was made today they would
husband and wife reunite
husband is behind a gate and when Lugosi helps her with the key he caps him
yeah that makes sense
why not just say; I'm helping her!! ??
Lugosi pulls the self detonate switch and in 5 mins the whole place goes up
he couple gets out
on a train the husband reads a review of his book that sez its too unbelievable
the end
huh, according to tcm, the skinning scene was originally far bloodier
that was pretty good
tame by todays standards
but in the 30s, too hot
Karloff and Lugosi as 2 bad dudes after eachother
is this based on a true story?
it was so long ago, who can say?
for the black cat 2 i'd like for Karloff to have survived the place going up and being skinned by jumping his soul into the daughters body. oh and black magic. he follows the couple all over europe where they gather holy relics to beat him once and for all. its also a platformer like the pagemaster on sega genesis and snes where either the husband or wife goes though levels with monsters and horror themed sets like Frankenstein ad Dracula like graveyards and castles. also each item found allows a new attack or ability.

House On Haunted Hill Review

note; I think my spellings improved. if nor, ur fault
house on haiunted hill
this is my review for house on haunted hill(19ver)
its hot Vincent price and Richard (dick) long
weird how long and lee can be asin names but ot always
I always thought lang was Asian
long and wang are Asian names. why not lamg?
ooh, its directed by William castle
love his work
it starts with a dark screen and scary sounds
in the theatre it would be better
then this guys head zooms in and sez its the most haunted house ever
7 people(even his bro) bit it there
he spent 1 night and nearly did too
then vincint price's head sez he rented this haunted place and if u stay the night you get a lotta cash
its his wifes idea
then he introduces the cast and sez they need cash
hes giving 10 000 $
ewwwwww
its widescreen
after da credits they go in this weird artsy bilding
they go in and none of em know eachother
none have met vncent
also vincest is a millionare
the door closes and its locked
then the chandelier falls and 1 guy saves 1 chick
vincest talks to his wife who's dressed sexy for the 50s
vimcest sez he invited em all for a reason and they all need cash
she doesn't wanna go to the party
they dot get along
he sez she poisoned him b4
also hs on his 5th wife
hope they were 1 at a time
the 1st head guy sez his fam was chopped up there and the heads were never found
he asks vincest to all off the event but is turned down
the place is locked down, theres no power or phone, and no one for miles
vincest sez they're here for ghosts
the shrink sez there are none
1st appearing head guy sez 7 peoplr bit it and theres 7 of em
they see a bloodstain o the ceiling and blood drips on the chick
1st guy describes how someone bit it almost every place in da house
theres a vat of acid where a guy threw his wife ut her bones came up
1 chick (the young one)early falls in
they drop a dead rat in the acid to see it its still acid there
why are they going around the haunted house?!
just stay in 1 place until the sun comes up
1 guy chats with the young chick
he checks doors but goes in one and it closes and locks
then the candles go out
she seez a hag who walks off
then books it and sez theres a ghost to the guys
when she gets back da roomz lit up and the door open
the guy is ok and has a bump on da head
1st guy sez they hit him
the shirnk sez its hysteria but cant explane what happedned to the head hit guy(lance)
lance and the young chick go in the room with candles
he taps a wall and its hollow
turns out, theres a space between rooms
then out of nowhere she seez the hag and freaks out
the hag leaves and lance didn't see it
se goes off and meets the wife who shows the young chik to her room
wife grills her about knowing her husband
she tells her not to go anywhere in da house alone
she ten talks to lance and he don't believe in ghosts
she sez shes his 4th wife
the others got iced
she sez he'd kill her if he could and is jealous
she runs back to her room and Vincent shows up
hey talk and he sez she might wanna ice him (I think)
after its midknight and they're gonna have a meting
but young chick finds a head in a box
she wanders around and this guy grabs her and sez to come with him b4 "someone" kills her
she rund away and to the gang
the hag is revealed to be a caretaker who's blind
the grabing guy is a butler or w/e
vincest sez if any of em bite it, their 10 000 ets split up among the rest
young chick wants to leave but the place locks down at midnkight
he gives em guns but 1st guy sez they don't work on ghosts
young chick bring everyone to see the head
why'd she only do this now?!
when she gets back its gone
oh and the wife don't want a gun
candy a66]
the shirnk wanted to give young chick a sedative
shrnk whines about if others are there but vinsent sez theres ghosts
he sez he don't belive in ghosts
yeah cuz not believing in bears means they wont eat u
lance looks around and finds a head
he takes it and 1st guy sez they got her
they hear a scream and young chick hung herself
its revealed it was the wife who hung
not young chick
young chick meets lance and sez vicest tried to strangle her
he sez he thinks someone iced the hung one
the a guy ells lane they reached da same conclusiom and to meet somewhere
he gives young chick a gun and leaves
vinvest sees his wife but 1st guy is there and he gets p-ssed
the gang meets and wanna leave
but its a fortress of steel and stone
if they focused their ki they could punch through
vicest sez the wife was hung in a way that was hard to do alone
and one of them iced her
they sucpect eachother and decide to stay in their rooms
the innocent have no reason to leave
the guilty will reveal himself by leaving
but how will they know who if anyonre leaves?!
1 guy seez the doorknob turning but when he looks no ones there
the chick has blood drip on her hand
lance sees the chick and she sez it might not be vincest who attacked her
shrink sez vincest might try to ice her
he wants to try to leave and wanders around
so is he guilty?
he goes in  secret wall
its a storm outside and all the candles go out in her room
a rope moves around her feet and the wife is outside holding it
its like in shutendoji the tar hand kid were the oni wrapped its tongue around naked miyuki
she runs and finds the wife hanging
she runs and finds a player piano and freaks out
shrink visits Vincent and sez he heard someone walking
he has em split up and look for smeone who might be in danger
yeah, that's a good move in a horror movie
shrink talks to the wife who is alive
also they were planning to have someone kill someone
she is wearing a harness to fake being hung
they freaked out the young chick and sent vncest to find her
so she'll cap his a55
and the hamging will be called a "ghost party gag"
I think the shrink is b0ning the wife
Vincent comes down ad she caps him
in the closet was the shrik who opens the acid
the screen goes dark and we hear a splash
its not censorship like england and the human centipede
its for plot purposes
the wife comes down and the doors close
in the acid a skelton emerges
in the theatre they'd have a real skeleton come down the ceiling for this
it sez in vincents voice to come wth her and she freaks out and falls in the acid
this takes a while
shes just creaming and standing there
then out comes vincest with a wire and pulley system cotroling the skeleton
he sez he knew their plan and countered it
its like xanatos in gargoyles
young chick comes out and sez she shot him
but when they get there vincest is here and sez they tried to ice him but they fell in da vat
hes ready for trial and walks away
1st guy sez theres 9 ghosts in the house
now they'e come for him
then they'll come fpr us
creepy music and cr-p
the end
lol skeleton as himself
that was pretty good
good atmosphere and theme and effect
the remake f'd with a lot and made the ghosts real
here its ambiguous
for house on haunted hill 2 I'd like some kung fu masters to come there in the 90s and its got a lot more ghosts caught in it. they use their ki abilities to fight the ghosts and go around the haunted house to get to the core of it with a black magic item that powers it. its also a 2 player beat em up on sega genesis and suoper Nintendo and you have  Ki meter that you can charge for more power and unleash ki blasts or waves

Clash Of The Titans Review

note; this movie is too good for spelling
clash of the titans
this is my review on clash of the titans(the good one(from da 80s))
it starts with a guy sending his daughter and grandson to the sea in a box
he yells at the gods and sez its cuz of her crime
his grandson is perseus (who they made my fave Yugioh card Airknight Parshath based on)
in the real story his daughter b0ned a god and it made perseus
in D&D terms, airknight parshath is a half celestial centaur paladin
then we get the credits with epic scenary shots that would look cr-ppy as cgi
the effects were done by ray harryhausen
this was his last film
last films for legends are always great
orson welles had transformers the movie
then this bird that saw the sea thing and the credits followed returns to Olympus where the gods are p-ssed at his wacking his daughter/grandson
its decided to punish the king and his people by busting his kingdom by releasing the final titan; the kraken!
btw krakens are from like Scandinavian legends
the titans were the forerunners of the gods
so his dad killed his grampa?
the reveal the kings daughter was b0ned by a god turning into a shower of gold, washing over her, and she got preggers
did he turn into magic spurm?
this is getting 18+
then again most greek legends involve weird b0ning
norse too
loki got pregnant a buncha times
once by a horse
often in greek legends, the gods turn into animals and seduce chicks
r u b0ning a swan?
nope, its a god in disguise.
so the kraken wipes out the city
I'm surprised the king waited for her to give birth to perseus
as in he didn't try to ice em in the 9 months they were preggo
so perseus and his mom grow up on a island and he becomes skilled at riding a horse in a speedo
shouldn't he be nude?
this was ancient Greece
1 goddess asks for mercy for her son
but its explained he squandered his cr-p and p-ssed off the gods
so hes turned into a weird monster
man this is like full of weird fetish themes
but the goddess sez her son is to marry Andromeda the princess
so she sez if he cant have her, no one can
and she's gonna f with Andromeda
cuz 2 wrongs make a right
this is like liberal logic
the bad sufferes, so innocents must suffer too
also she f's with perseus
hes teleported to a amphitheater and talks with burgess Meredith from the twilight zone, rocky, G I Joe the movie and batman
oh and perseus is said to be wanted to restore his homeland
so the gods find out about perseus and wana give him godly weapons
its revealed this god turns into various animals and b0nes people
once as a cuttlefish
what is this? la blue girl?!
btw this movie inspired saint Seiya/knights of the zodiac
perseus finds a sword and shield and helmet made of super metal that can cut through stone
a god talks through the shield and sez its gonna save his life
and the helmet can make him invisible
he tries the helmet and leaves w/o the sword
in Zelda you can do some games w/o the sword
perseus goes to town and finds that cuz princess Andromeda turned down the mutant so if someone wants to marry he, he has to do a riddle
its different for each person
so you cant save before and try again if it wacks ya
and if u don't get it, u get cooked
oh and the prince mutant is f ing with the town people
Andromeda hid in a tower and perseus goes to see her
this big a55 bird made of stop motion
her soul walks to a cage it carries and it carries her off
perseus wants to go after it so he goes to a special water hole and Pegasus comes by to drink
but Pegasus was born of gorgon blood after it was chopped up
yeah, born from demon blood
and its in Barbie
perseus goes invisible and it doesn't hear smell or feel his movements
nor sense his ki
and he ropes it and rides off on it in the air
remember that show "the mighty Hercules"?
where he looked like super man and had that centaur names newt who was jimmy olson?
he used Pegasus in it
and that was 20 years b4
perseus tames him by riding him and gives him water
I gotta say the effects are great
far better than cr-ppy cgi
later Andromeda goes in the cage and the bird gets her
but perseus on Pegasus persues  the bird
good effects
it looks not quite real
but better than cgi
also riding the horse in the air was done in the thief of bag dad in the 40s
man its almost an hour in
didn't feel like it
the bird puts her in this swAMP and this stop motion monster is there
it gives her a gift of a gold neck thing
we don't get a good look at it for a bit
good build up
its da prince(goddess son)
he wants her but she don't consent
sometimes the guy is stop motion
sometimes real life
its to show that hes like 8 feet tall
in close ups they do camera effects to make him look big
in long shots hes stop motion in frame with the actors
as he cant have what he wants, he has people wo want her cooked on bonfires
she goes back
somehow perseus has lost Pegasus and is wandering the swamp
the mutant prince attacks perseus and he fights back
hen we cut to the princess mom asking if anyone wants to marry Andromeda
no one sez anything but perseus comes in
they ask him idle of 3 circles and weird cr-p
2 moons and a crown
I got no idea what it is
its the mutant princes pearl ring
and perseus has his hand
he sez he spared him if he stops f ing the town people and cooking em
the mutant prince prays to the gods for revenge
wow, even his teeth are f'd up
the goddess relies in a statue coming to life that she cant harm perseus
so he asks for he kraken to f the town and ice Andromeda
Andromeda sez she only liked the mutant prince for his looks b4 he was mutated
we get some lovey dovey dialogue of perseus and Andromeda
at this thing, the Andromeda mom sez her gift for em is better than the goddess
the statue of her's head falls off and comes alive
it sez Andromeda is gonna be sacrificed to the kraken as a virgin in 30 days
or your pizza is free
I mean
or the kraken will bust their city
burgess Meredith sez the witches know a way to beat the kraken
but no one ever returned from em
also they eat people
later the mutant prince catches Pegasus
really good animation on him
these are 2 stop motion monsters moving
after looking for a bit, they go on regular horses
the gods say perseus lost the helmet in a swamp and they give him an owl
the owl owner don't wanna give it up so they make a metal one
later the good guys are in a desert and the metal owl comes to em
it looks almost rankin bass
also it talks in beeps that only perseus can understand
totally not r2 d2
btw power rangers time force ripped the metal bird helper off
ma this movie influenced so much 80s and 90s
I think Hercules and xena too
Hercules! what are you gonna do?!
herc; something really stupid!!
runs and jumps into magic void
I loved that show
they follow the owl and go into this mountain cave
the witches have no eyes and share a glass thing as a magic eye(poster) they can share
h has the metal owl snatch the eye
he ransoms if back to em for info on the kraken
if this were law and order it would be thrown out for violating their rights
they say use the gorgon's head to turn him to stone
also in here the gorgon is a titan
the writers don't seem to know what titans are
also its blood is poison
he gives em back the eye and runs out
the gorgon was said to be a priestess to the love goddess(which sounds like a p0rn0)
but she b0ned Poseidon in her temple and was turned into a monster that kills with a look
that also sounds like a p0nr0
all these ancient legends are about b0ning
some say the minotaur was made when this guy didn't sacrifice his best bull to the gods
so they used a spell on his wife and she b0ned a bull
their kid was the minotaur
I don't think breeding works that way
people cant even breed with apes
although I heard of a chick in asia who was b0ned by a sasquatch and her kid was this big tall mentally unwell guy with strength
that's not a joke
look it up
I saw it on youtube
a news story from asia
its real
so they go to the river styx(which isn't in hades) (or did they go there off camera?)
Charon (who's a skeleton) brings them across
really good skeleton effects
now it would be cr-ppy cgi
but here its actual matter on film and looks perfect
wow this movie is nearing its end
that felt like nothing
they go in the dungeon/castle to fight the gorgon
perseus sez to not look her in the face and use their reflection shields as a mirror
so I assume her killer looks is some kind of KI thing with their eyes
they fight an orthros (2 headed wolf)
really good animation
it ices a few guys and perseus shanks it dead
eat that u son of a b--ch!
I hate dogs!
great to see a double dog get iced
now they'd censor it
also the anime/manga Baoh has dogs getting iced
they to to the boss area and medusa is a stop motion monster in a dark room of red flickering light
also she has a rattlesnake tale
they don't show the medusa right away
good effects with it in the shield reflection and in the lighting
also she has a longbow
is this where they got the idea for G I Joe the movie?
Wasssssss a maaaaaaaaaan!
woah!
that's freaky
it uses its stare and glowing eyes to fossilize someone
man that face looks like a real person
how'd they do that?
now they'd use cgi
but then they had real effects
she wasts a few guys and perseus recalls the words that the shield will guard his life
he uses the shield reflection to make her think he's elsewhere ad when she comes around the corner he lops off her head
bada55
good tension in the build up too
in the real version her gushing out blood made Pegasus
holy cr-p the blood melted his shield
that was made of super god metal
maybe she is a titan
why doesn't the blood eat through the ground?
he acquired the gorgon head
later its a storm and the good guys are sleeping with a red sack tied to a tree
the mutant prince stabs it and blood comes out
the blood makes a scorpion grow huge
and multiply
he whips the metal owl in the water and the good guys fight the giant scorpions
also he whips the horses away
really good effects on the scorpions
1 guy ices a scorpion and another gets iced
mutant prince ices another guy
perseus ices the last scorpion and mutant prince whips the sword out his hand
he whips perseus and perseus gets back his blade and chucks it into the mutant princes gut
I kinda expected him to blow up in a fireball
I saw too much power rangers
wait, I thought the blood was poison
why didn't it kill the scorpions?!
metal owl comes out and is ok and perseus asks him to find Pegasus
it flies through the mutant princes lair and scares his cavemen minions
it hassles the giant bird and knocks stuff over to start a fire
somehow this frees Pegasus
later Andromeda  is taking a nude bath and we see side b00b and butt cheek
both are kinda big
shs dressed and readied for sacrifice
perseus runs outta gas and the goddess sez its the eve of the longest day
the gods release the kraken but he also revives Perseus's strength with an action figure of him being stood up
btw, how did the goddess get permission to set up the whole "sacrifice her to the kraken' if the head god didn't want to?
I mean he mutated her son despite her protests but she can f with his son's gf?
they chain Andromeda to the rock and the kraken(which looks awesome btw) arises
perseus flies over on Pegasus and metal owl goes at kraken
it resists the bird easy
I like the shot of perseus on Pegasus
its the actor, the stop motion and the moving ahead ground combined and synchroed
he comes in and kraken knocks him down
owl gets the gorgon head and brings it to perseus
he uses the medusa head to turn the kraken to stone
looks more like ice
then it crumbles for some reason
he then chucks the head in the ocean to stop it from being a threat
like with Godzilla and the oxygen destroyer
btw I thought the kraken was the last of the titans
but theres also medusa who is a kraken?
hows that work?
they just, forgot abut her?
he frees Andromeda and everyone cheers
btw
according to legend, perseus saved the ethiopia princess Andromeda from being sacrificed.
most images of this event show her to be blonde and blue eyed.
to be fair, sailor venus is japanese and blonde/ blue eyed.
maybe all ethiopians were blonde back then and recently turned black?
it was so long ago who really knows?
the gods talk about how if courage and imagination were qualities all kortals had then the gods wouldn't be needed
I don't think that's how it works
the head god forbids al revenge against perseus and Andromeda/perseus get married and b0ne
to commemorate their awesomeness, the stars are named after em in constellations
the end
btw Ursula andress(Aphrodite) had no dialogue
she just stood there and looked good
kinda like the blonde in yugioh gx who hardly dueled
and when she came back in Yugioh arc v she's around for 20 eps and gets captured after 2 card games
the end
that was grand
better than troy as it didn't censor the gods
and I haven't seen the remake but I hear it s-cked
btw, perseus(harry Hamlin) reprised his role in one of the god of war games
kevin sorbo too
he's cool
btw
Holy Heteroes! Harry Hamlin's Hermaphrodite Husband Hardly Heaved Hot Heavy Hemp!
I'm surprised this didn't get a video game
its perfect for it
epic monster fight would make good boss battles
it could be like a platformer like a batman game and have air levels on Pegasus and items ou can use like mirror shield and invisibility helmet and stone ray gorgon head blasts.
for clash of the titans 2 I'd like for a new threat to arise and king perseus and queen Andromeda need help. so they get other half god warriors like castor and pollux to form a rag tag team of warriors to take the fight to them and use their awakened god powers to power up and bust a55 in really splattery battle of people getting holes punched in em and bones removed. also the bad guys invading form England of w/e are in gear suits that increase their strength and defend them its also a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis and super Nintendo and you can be up to 4 players, castor, pollux, perseus and Andromeda.

Primeval Review

note; spelling bad is racist... NOT

primeval

this is my review on primeval(2007)

it starts with saying its inspired by true events

then some people in Africa finding bodies

theres lotsa mass graves

this chick digs a new place and gets iced by some unseen monster

then chaos gunfire

its a dinosaur

then we get various newspaper headlines of a serial killer named Gustave

oh and Africa is at civil war

this has jurgen pronchow and Orlando jones as the only names I recognize

I should mention the trailers said this is about a serial killer that's still at large w/ over 300 vics

it sez; he is real, but he is not human

later in new York this news crew or w/e is gathered to find out about Gustave

is he named after the epic ww2 rail cannon that anna kozuki from Yugioh zexal had a card of?

that cannon was as big as a bank!

so they are sent to catch alive Gustave

oh and Gustave is a giant crocodile

that must've p-ssed off a lot of movie people expecting gacy and getting Godzilla

the trailer really went out of its way to avoid saying its a croc

Orlando jones is the black guy in this horror movie(which means hes probably not gonna make it) and is glad to be in Africa

lets see how long that lasts

they meet this shaved head African named harry who runs the town

the main guy fakes having a conversation with his funder when harry almost f's him on a deal and sez hes gonna pull out

so harry gets him cr-p

crocs can live 100 years and keep growing if they keep getting food

I should mention that they say the biggest dinosaurs around 100 feet long were said to be hundreds of years old

harry warns em of little Gustave, a bad guy with power who rules the wasteland in a near area who kills a lot

what is this? violence jack? is he the slum king?? maybe kraken? or ryu takuma?

they go up river (or down river, I cant tell) to find the croc

at night on the river they have a machine gun fight with people on the shore

the army guy with em caps the shore people

later in this village, this girl swims out to get her doll and Gustave eats her offscreen

they meet this brittishy guy and bring him with em

what is this? Phantasy Star? they're just getting party members and going on an adventure

the brit is trying to save Gustave from dangerous people

that's like thinking separation of church and state is to protect the state from da church(its not)

or tiger cages protect the tigers from the grade schoolers

they build a cage and plan to trap the croc

at the village they are glad someones doing something about the croc

the village people have a gross dog on a wood thing as an offering to the croc

the chick saves it

it looks like the croc is gonna get her but it don't

at night they sing and dance and expect the americans to sing a song for them

the chick does a bit of amazing grace but Orlando jones don't wanna sing for em

just do some Michael Jackson song

or weird al yankovich

those are always good

I know a buncha anime songs I learned by ear by listening to anime openings over and over

the next day the see a shaman who has a black magic ritual and breathes smoke on them

he sez they'll find what they want, the bite it

britler sez he knows were Gustave might be but its under control of little Gustave

holy cr-p the brit is jurgen pronchow

I thought he was Austrian or w/e

oh and little Gustave's men are meth'ed out teens and super violent

they walk over to this area and the Africans carry the cage big and strong enough to fit a 30 foot croc

this African named jojo asks Orlando jones how to get to America

he replies; my people came on slave ships

btw; jojo?! like, jojo's bizarre adventure?!

they use a blood/p-ss/pheromones fluid mix to lure Gustave in the cage with a goat

totally not like Jurassic park

oh and they're trying to catch it alive and use tracking dvice bullets instead of tranquilizers

don't want it to drown

it gets near and thy sniper a tracker on it

btw I don't think jurgen pronchow is the brit

I think that's the eco commie

then its day again and the goat is gone

the rain screwed up the motion censors and camera feed

they say the signal hasn't moved since last night and jurgen shoots in the air loud to wake it up

it instantly moves

later Orlando jones sees and films some Africans executing other Africans, including the shaman

they take his bead thing

y'know, if the Orlando jones had a good gun, he could've saved em by sniping the bad guys

at night he shows the footage to the team and sez he's gonna have nightmares the ret of his life

don't worry, ur a black guy in a horror movie

the chick sez they otta make a big deal over it and spread the word

everyones else sez no

Orlando ones sez people don't care about black on black crime 5 blocks from their home

so it happening in Africa wont make news

maybe they could say the killer was part Brazilian?

then its a racism story

or that's how they'd spin it

so jojo gets in the cage and tries to lure the gator in with his body

but birds attack him for some reason and he cage closes

then the gator attacks and knocks him in the water

dat crox smarte

jurgen offen throws a grenade

he throws another but gets tackled by the brit

so jurgen slugs his candy a55 out

oh and tim (the main guy) goes in the water to save jojo

jojo's dead but they cpr him back alive

he sez he wanted to catch the crok for em so they'd bring him to America

the army guy points a gun at jojo and he sprints off like a deer

dude! he was dead a few seconds ago! Now he's running?! He's freekin Saint Seiya!

the army guy goes to the camp and tries to b0ne the chick w/o consent

she fights him off and busts a bottle on his head

but throws the bottle away instead of stabbing him with it

he pulls out a machete but the croc comes from nowhere and gets him

the camp is busted and they might leave

but the other army guy shoots jurgen and wants the computer

he brings em to the river to execute em but Orlando wont kneel

then a shot goes off and after some delay, its revealed it was jojo who came back with a gun and capped the bad guy

Orlando jones tells jojo hes gonna bring him to America even if he has to smuggle him in his own a55

maybe if he was a midget that could work

the chick calls for an air lift

jurgen sez the chick who got ate at the start of the movie (I think) was his wife and he gave the croc bullet scars

but scars are cool

I think I forgot to mention he was shot in the intestine or something

like; left of where women have the uterus

then Gustave attacks

it looks sorta good

btw the croc monster attacking in the rain was ripped off of Jurassic park 3

justave busts the wood thing they're on and jurgen tries to kamikaze him

but the gater sees it coming like with raoh and rei's nanto sui-cho ken move and throws him away to asplode

then it eats someone

I think it might've been jurgen who wasn't fully destroyed by the grenade

the next day theyre talking and 1 sez crox eat til theyre fill then barf and eat more

the chick sez her bf is gay and uses her to fake being straight

Orlando; who a I gonna tell? jojo? hay jojo! you know roger?

jojo; no

Orlando: hes gay

jojo; ok(doesn't care)

that's actually pretty good writing

so the air lift chopper comes by and they chase it but it backs of after little Gustaves men attack

the brit runs after it anyway and gets hit by a car and shredded with gunfire

good

he was a candy a55

the men come looking for the rest of em

they want the computer as it has footage of little Gustave icing the shaman

the tape and comp are in the river

they run as the men bring freekin rocket launchers on em and chase em in pick up trucks

Orlando falls in a river, gets scared by a snake, and gets thorns in his arm

he yells ; I hate f--king AFRICA

me; would you prefer Africa f--king you?

well, it kinda is

also what if the men chasing u heard?

they open fire at the truck and they go off a cliff into water

the truck crashes into a tree and a guy bites it]

jojo gets sot in the upper right torso and the last army guy beats on him/drowns him underfoot

man jojo gets f'd

tim saves jojo with a gun but its not loaded so the guy beats on him

he's saved by the chick blowing the bad guys head off with another gun

latr Orlando jones taLKS to himself about how he sees slavery as "allright by him"  since "anything to get da f--k outta Africa"

if he were a different race that would be seen as racist

he the finds Gustave and runs from that raging dinosaur

it gets caught in 2 trees and he gives it the finger and walks off slowly

what is this?! grizzly rage?!

it gets loose and he runs

it fades to tim finding the camera and looking for him

later tim finds the chick and jojo and sez all the bodies in the river cuz of da civil war gave Gustave a taste for human meat

then harry drives in

tim notices the beads taken from the shaman in harrys car

he was little Gustave the whole time

what a twist

he wants the tape

he burns the chick with a cigar and is gonna b0ne her dead

but tim sez the computer has an ELECTRONIC LOCATOR!!!

the its night and they get back to the camp

wait, they went to the wood thing after the army guy took em to the water

then they ran to the chopper

then they ran from the bad guys

how did it take em until night to get back there?!

did they take a break to b0ne eachother for 4 hours?!

also its raining again

did they shoot all the night scenes in the same night?!

tim and a guard follow the device alone and he finds Gustave

guard don't notice Gustave and in his barf pile is Orlando jones

in the barf pile he finds a knife and shanks the guard

the chick splashes harry with the blood/p-ss pheromones and runs and reunites with tim

harry shoots tims legs and gets ready to ive em

oh yeah and tim took out gustaves tracking thing

then Gustave comes in with pretty good animation and roars at em

it goes after harry and freekin destroys him

it tore him up and popped his head in its bite

tim and chick escape and he walks off getting shot in both legs

the chick hears the dog (she named it wile e) and goes after it in the storm with the croc

the croc attax but tim hits it with the car

the car gets stuck and Gustave busts his head into the car and thrashes around

like with that scene in Jurassic park with the t rex attacking the jeep

tim stabs it(oh yah, jojo was in the back seat with the crock next to him thrashing around but hes ok) and they drive off

man the crock gets f'd as bad as jojo

then tim chick and jojo return to America in a jet

how'd they get him a visa?!

at least he didn't have to be smuggled over in someones a55

text sez on may 2005 a cease fire ended the civil war

then Gustave eats more Africans

text sez he still lives and hunts along da river

the end

holy cr-p, walter Emmanuel jones did ADR voices

he was the black ranger in power rangers season 01

btw this was done by Buena vista

that explains the racial issues lol

that was actually kinda enjoyable

yeah it had some errors

but it tells the story well

the gore is well done and they don't queer out by censoring it

and they have the dude as the tough one

walking off gunshots to the legs

jojo's pretty bada55 too

and hes a nice guy like Goku

or Shun from Saint Seiya/Knights of the Zodiac

but he still caps people

oh and guns are not demonized and animal rights commies are show to be candy a55/ dumb a55

nowadays they'd add some anti violence cr-p to slant things away from reason

for primeval 2 i'd like for Gustave to be still attacking a river but also people in land are being iced. turns out its a Mokele-mbembe and its been tormenting Gustave his whole life. it iced his fam and mo les ted him as a kid. that's why he had to get big and strong... by eating all those people. He was only acting out from his issues. eventually Gustave takes on the Mokele-mbembe and its an epic battle where the afrians realize Gustave was the good guy the whole time and was only doing what he had to, and they give him dna roids to grow big bat wings to fly and take on the Mokele-mbembe. oh and he grows to 35 feet and is ale to fight the 30 foot Mokele-mbembe. also the sequels would have him fighting other Africa cryptids and in one sequel he goes to America to fight a tribe of sasquatch who's been b0ning people dead.