The Innocents Review

note; i'm innocent of good spelling... kinda

the innocents

this is my review on da innasentz (60s ver)

its based on a play or book or w/e called "the turn of the screw"

that sounds like a p0rn0 or Yugioh card

ewwwwww

its widescreen

like half da screen iz blak barz

during da credits it shows names on 1 side and hads on the left

ewwwwww

its made in England

the hands are of a chick saying she wants to save kids, not destroy em

sounds like a dr

except in some countries they let you put kids to sleep

then we see a flashback I think of her being interviewed for a gig of looking after 2 kids

oh its their uncle interviewing her

he sez da kids need love

and he cant do it so she must be 100% responsible

the last caretaker bit it and the kids miss her

later she goes to the kids place and talks to the little girl named flora(like the winx club chick?)

later they have tea (not a tea ceremony like the samurai) and flora sez her bro is at school

his name is miles (like miles tails prowler rom sonic?) (better than that malcontent miles from degrassi)

flora wants the main chick to stay

also this brit hag maid works there

then they game 1 kid a bath

its flora

but we don't see anything

later main chick walks flora to her bedroom and flora sez she anted to sleep in everal rooms at once

well, if they chopped her up...

the hag was disturbed by the idea

flora wants to sleep in bed with her pet tortoise but main chick sez she's crush it

they hear a noise but flora sez da hag sed to ignore it

later flora looks out an open window with a breeze and hums

is she summoning something?

then its day and sunny

main chick gets paper email and her and flora read em

I letter disturbs the main chick

flora watches a spider eating a butterfly

I too like seeing bugs fight

once I saw a footlong centipede facing a Japanese death hornet

bad a55

so the letter sez miles was kicked outta school

so he's more like degrassi miles than sonic miles

later miles comes by and seems nice

just wait til the OTHER miles comes out

like in yugioh how the OTHER yugi goes around killing people

lol the hags name is; mrs grose

as in; GROSS! hes got the AIDS everywhere!

at night miles wants to lay awake thinking

I do dat too

but main chick sez its a bad habbit

get aids b--ch! I do wat I want!

they talk about him getting fired from school and his uncle being too busy to care

she tries to get him to talk and help him

but then the wind blows and a candle goes

later its day main chick walks around being disturbed by minor things like birds

she goes up a tower and finds miles covered in birds

that's how supervillains start

she sez she saw a man up there but miles sez hes alone up there

later miles rides a bit white horse

later theyre drawing

main chick thinks floras thunderstorm is a vase of flowers

miles draws a horse

is he a brony?

they talk about theyre house being big and main chicks being small

then they play hide and seek

as she looks she finds a music box and a picture

then miles comes out and grabs her

she complains of a grade schooler overpowering her and flora comes in

candy a55

then they look for her

as she goes around da house she seez a face in the window that retreats into the darkness

then she goes outside

dumba55!

he could be a serial killer

she tells the brit its da man from the tower

and who she just saw a picture of

but brit hag sez he bit it

later the kids are disgruntled so main chick lets em have a costume party and lets em go off on their own

dumba55!

in pet semetary that's how the little blonde kid bit it

brit hag sez in the coldest blackest winter the tower guy bit it falling down steps

also miles found the body

later miles dressed as a king sez some creepy poem

later main chick sez about tower guy(named quint) no one could go against him

also he had a gf

but both bit it and hag wont tell about em

later its day time ad flora has her pet tortoise in the water

she sings a song but it creeps out main chick

also they see a guy in the plants in the pond for a bit

at night she tells brit hag she saw quints gf I the pond

but brit hag don't buy it

this is like wuthering heights with the lovers ghosts

main chick thinks the kids are in danger

and sez they gotta find wat da ghosts want

brit hag sez the quint was mean to the gf

its always guys abusing girls

why not girls abusing guys?

they can be just as bad

if not worse

on degrassi high; Kathleen has an abusive bf.

me; this show is ALWAYS about abusive bf's. scott, rick, the Frenchie..

what next? spinner beating up paige?

spin; I'm tried of you paige! (b00m)(slugs her out) that's for getting me pregnant! and giving me AIDS!!!

brit hag sez after quint bit it the gf did too

main chick sez they otta tell someone like a priest

GOOD

that's the best guy to tell in a haunting

but brit hag sez it wont work

WHY?!

who better than a priest to fight ghosts?!

not ghost busters

this is like the 1800s or w/e

they aint even in the womb yet

then we getta weird montage of her dealing with her ghost phobia

eventually she wants to tell the uncle

and sez the kids talk of the ghosts and da ghosts are getting closer

she wants to now how quints gf bit it and brit hag sez she bit it in da lake

later main chick sees and hears the gf in a room and finds math on the chalk board and freaks out

how come its ok to have guys bad at math but if chicks are in shows its seen as racist?

I know many guys bad at math

they play Yugioh

main chick sez the ghosts wanna possess the kids to reunite

but that's inbreeding

but that kinda happened in Yugioh zexal with nash and marin becoming rio and shark

but they wernt b0ning

later main chick runs around the dark house with creepy sounds

she fins flora who sezs someones in da garden

they see someone in it and she goes down

she finds miles and hes got a dead bird

then miles makes out with her a bit

this kids gonna grow up to b0ne a lotta chix

later its raining and flora goes to the lake in a gazebo thing

she knows things but not how she learned em

brit hag tries to get flora to admit seeing ghosts but flora freaks out

little b--ch!

later flora is upstairs screaming and brit hag sez its profanity

so brit hag takes flora away to turn her furry or something

later main chick talks to miles but he rejects her

she tries to get him to come out about why he was fried from school

also he read her mail

and he has been seeing and hearing things

he goes on a tirade but behind him appears the quint

he then throws the tortoise through the window and runs out and trips

she comforts him and sez the tirade wasn't his

and once he sez the guys name its over

what is this? the neverending story?

he freaks out, sees quint, dsez quint and blacks out

she sez hes free and safe but turns out he bit it

she smooches him

the end

what kind of ending is that?

is he dead?

in a coma?

soulless?

but that was a well done film

good atmosphere and tone

brigt but dark

good b/w light and shadow

wonder how a silent german expressionist version would be?

the kids were good actors in this

turns out somehow this got an X rating in soviet England

wtf

theres no blood, gore, nude scenes or swear words

in a review of the 2017 my little pony movie, the brits said it was too scary

candy a55 brits think my little pony is too much

good thing they never saw fist of the north star

people asplode

and that's targeting ages 8-15 boys

saint Seiya would give them brain damage from the blood gore and limb removal

but I liked this film

its well made but I wasn't scared

in the 60s to moon landing kids it might be too much

but now we have are you afraid of the dark and goosebumps

those scared the h-ll outta me as a kid

well, just ayaotd with the rotting pool demon

for the innocents 2 I want the main chick to be on trial for killing the kid as she was with him last. but theres no evidence of her actually wacking him. she know she must go back to the house to retrieve his soul from the ghosts. after sneaking outta prison she goes there and finds theres a gate to h-ll on the property cuz its England. she goes in and goes through several levels of dantes inferno to find the miles soul. also its a 16 bit sega genesis and snes and gba and atari jaguar action game set in h-ll where you fight daemons and find items made of human souls and bones and try to get the soul of the kid back. after she beats the quint guy, she absorbs the kid's soul into her body and becomes pregnant with him. once outta h-ll she has a quick pregnancy and poops out the kid who then grows back to his age free of the quint and with h-ll powers.

Christine Review

note; I drive like I spell. and I cant spell I mean dreive

Christine

this is my review on chriatine(the 80s one)

its by steven king and has john carpenter doing music

after credits we see cars made in Detroit 1957 as bad to the bone plats

spoilewr; afte 2008-2016; Detroit didn't make cars as the work went to mexico to avoid unions

both unions and democrats ruined Detroit

then a guy is working on this red car and the hood busts his hand

is that a Ferrari mustang?

I don't know cars

my mom does

she don't got a car fetish or anything

later they find a black guy dead in the car

they killed off the one black guy earlier than most films

then it the distant future year of 1978 and in soviet California aka new Sodom

this nerdy guy named arnie gets a lift in a blue car from his homie

at school the homie has other jocks chat with him about playing football (REAL football. not soccer you euro purvos!) and his knee healing

also this blonde likes the homie

one lusty guy chats with homie over thick chick is into

he wants to b0ne her

later the nerd is being harassed by cooler kids

steven kings childhood?

one punk knifes his yogurt

I had yogurt in grade school

one day that nerds gonna snap and shoot up the place

homie fights the punks guy gets choked

a teacher comes in and nerd outs the punk for having a switchblade

he threatens the teacher if teacher searches him but teacher sez he'd call da cops

punk shows his blade and gets sent to the office

but sez hes gonna f the nerd

later nerd and homie find a beat up red car

is that a Ferrari mustang?

nerd wants it and this 1800s gold rush looking guy sells him it for 250$$

the car is named Christine

did he give it a chicks name so its not gay to b0ne it?

there are guys who b0ne cars

1800s guy got her in 57 and had adventures with her

later his mom is being a b--ch about nerd buying a car

I think nerd and homie are brothers

nerd stands up to his b--chy mom but she don't want him to have a car

later at night homie aND nerd drive to a garage

the junk dealer is a harda55 who's face looks like a bad mask

btw arnie isn't a nerd name anymore after Schwarzenegger restored it

later some nerd is working on Christine and junk dealer softens toward him

junk dealer sez he'd give nerd some work and parts

later the jocks lust after the chick the guy wants to b0ne as she chews a pencil eraser

homie goes up to the chick and asks her out

she sez no cuz she already has a date

but why don't he notice da blonde?

blondes are better

later nerd turns down a movie with homie to do work for the junk guy

his mom b--ches at him

mom tells homie(who's actually his best friend) the last owner bit it in da car

1800s guy tells how his bro(the last owner) has everyone near him bite it cuz of the car and didn't care

homie goes to check out Christine after hours and the radio starts on its own

but turns off after he leaves

later its a football game at high school

and nerd is making out with da chick everyone wants to b0ne

this distracted homie and he gets busted

also nerd is becoming more bada55 and christine is more restored

later irts November 5th. guy fawkes day in gaye olde englande and chichi's birthday in dbz

nerd visits homie and hes out of football from his damage

at least he didn't get brain damage

nerd sez he sed he'd drop outta school idf his b--chy mom didn't let him register the car

she wanted him to stay her baby

like that movie; the baby, that I reviewed

later its raining at a drive in at night and nerds gf domnt wanna b0ne him in the car

he loves the car more than her

car fetish!

just b0ne the car!

you know you wanna

she smacks the car

as erd gets out to fix da wipers, da at lights up and locks him out

oh and the girl chokes on a burger

but a guy opens the car and saves her with a Heimlich

later he gets her home and she gets mad at him for the car nearly icing her

later he parks at the garage and after he leaves the guys who hassled him for his lunch bust up his car

they should've b0ned it and covered it in their j-zz

this destruction scene goes on for a while

is this like they're raepeing it?

da next day nerd and gf come in and find the car totaled

he freaks out when gf comforts him

at dinner he blames his rents for not letting him park it at home

rents wanna help him get a new car bit hes a d-ck and walks out

dad confronts him but he fights back

is this a thing for drugs?

its just like batman beyond

every 4th ep is a thing for drugs

spellbinder's illusion world

shrieks minion and his tuning fork that stimulates the pleasure center of his brain

the splicers

the slappers

ect

later he talks to Christine and it regenerates like a godmaster in transformers super god master force

lter the fat punk who looks like Dwayne from degrassi high meets Jonah hill gets huntr down by Christine

just get off the road dumba55!

he goes through an alley but the car chases through

later hes I a corner and pulls a switchblade

but Christine crushes itself through the bricks and wastes him

later nerd chats with homie about the car being totaled and how the guys will do it again

later the cops talk to nerd about the car

nerd calls his gf but shes done with him

later the vpunks who hassled nerd are driving and Christine goes after em

they stop at a gas station and get out but Christine busts their car

then crushes a punk

the car he was near catches fire and the gas station blows as Christine drives off in flames

bad a55

it hen chases down the main punk who pulled a switchblade at school

later Christine returns to da garage all charred and blackened

junkdealer confronts the nerd he thinks is in da car but its empty

he gets in but the car moves da seat up and crushes his a55

the next day nerd comes to the garage and cop from b4 questions him where he was

junk dealer was iced in Christine with a shot gun in the front seat

also the cops know the punks bit it

later gf talks to homie about da car

she think she was next for da car to ice

they plan to ice da car to save nerd

homie gets a from nerd and they drink beer

nerd drinks to everyone biting it in 1979

then chats about love and issues with it

but hes talking about Christine

later gf and homie set a trap to bust Christine at the garage

but Christine gets da drop on em and nearly wacks gf

homie slowly goes after christine in a bull dozer

homie protects gf with the shovel of the bulldozer and Christine keeps bashing

this is like dbz vs cell or buu

after some chases and cr-p Christine crashes in front of gf and nerd flies out

I think he bites it

she walks out and Christine chases her but hoimie nails christimne with the bull dozer

Christine drives slowly but homie busts it up with the shovel end

then it regenerates

but homie drives the dozer over it as rock from da 50s plays

later cristine is cubed and homie gf and cop regret not saving nerd

they hear 50s rock but its a guy with a ghetto blaster

then the cube creeks and credits roll with bad to the bone playing

the end

that was pretty good

steven king may have bad political views but he writes good cr-p

my cool 90s aunt likes his books

for Christine 2 I want the crushed cube car to twist and bend and poop out a baby half car half human as the nerd was b0ning it and Christine got pregnant. the car human is treated like cr-p by people until a rock band finds it and it becomes their mascot. they rise up and the car human gets into drugs and goes around wasting people while driving around. also its a rock and roll musical with many 80s songs and glam rock cr-p

Manhunt In The Jungle Review

note; my bad spelling ids my gimkick
manhunt in the jungle
this is my review on manhunt in the jungle(1958)
i never saw this b4
wtf its in color
it starts with a zoon on a map of brazil and a song about da amazon
then credits
ewwwww
widescreen
find da cure
it sez its filmed in south america
then text saying in 1928 a guy went to the amazon and sent radio messages
then narrator sez in the 1753 a portuguese explorer found a jungle city thats made with high skill\
so muc for evolution saying we evolved from primitive things
so the portugalo sent a message but the guy getting it didnt act
years later in the 20th century (fox) a brit found the message and went to find the lost city
but he and his men vanished
then another brit went after him 3 years later
they get a truck and drive on
they need 4 more men but the natives dont wanna help
i actually know a guy in brazil
he's nice
hes from da 80s
also they are bringing 3 tons of supplies
i portugaulo braziliano sez the 1st brit was iced by bandits for his gold
what is this? mad max?
2nd brit looks for natives who have reasons to ditch town
1 guy lost cash so he'd pay his bills
1 guy he gave a record player
1 guy stole a chicken and a big black guy was gonna chop him up
so brit 2 payed for it
they plan their route after where brit 1 went
1 guy shows an electric eel
spoiler; eel is delicious
except when the brits make it
eel pie?!
eel sushi is the best!!
also they call the jungle "green h-ll"
thats where tam tam from samurai shodown lives!
the see some guys wife who has black magic powers
she lets evil proits use her and tells em cr-p
thats not good man
who knows what those daemons will say?
could be lies to f u up
they meet a guy who last saw brit 1 and he leads em to the water
but theres electric eels in it
but they get through it
then they go through a desert
after a sand thing and 27 days of walking, they got out of the desert
i had no idea there were deserts in brazil
then they take a river and find a sign carved in a tree from brit 1
they find a small animal and keep it with em
tts night (even though its well lit) and they gotta face the monsters of the jungle
theres a jaguar in it
but it dont f em
the next day a guy bathes in the river
hope the leaches donrt get ur parts
but a big a55 snakje attacks him
hope it dont go in yo a55
the other dudes save him
after 2 weeks they move 190 miles
later a boat tarts going under and they fix it
lthey find natives doing some ritual
also brit 2 explains the spaniards thought the natives were chicks cuz of their outfits
and named it after the amazons
imagine if they tried b0ning one of the alleged women and found out its a dude
if threy were brits instead of spaniards they'd keep going lol
they leave w/o the ritualers seeing em as they say they'd be b0ned dead by the natives if seen
later they eat fish stew and dont like it
thats racist
then they go through rapids and a boat flips
buit they make it
they realize they cant go back as something about the river
so they go on
then one guy gets eaten by piranha
they go on and find another ign carved in a tree by brit 1
they find some remnants of past civilization and think its 11 000 years old
but creation science dates da urth at 6000 max
they find a cave and fear cannibals
but its just got bats
thousands of bats
later they send 1 guy ahead to radio
they wonder when they'll find more natives
they meet a tribe and ask em about brit 1
but this other guy swore em to silence
so they try to get other guy to come to them
the natives keep grabbing the radio cr-p
1 guy gets p-ssed but they cool the situation
the next day the natives booked it
they find a piece of fabric from brit 1's pants
and a chief
oh its the other guy
they give him a shirt in exchange for bringing them to his village
at the village theres chicks with their b00bs showing
2 hot 4 tv
brit 2 uses his science to fake being magical
just use ur ki to blow over a mountain
worked in dragon ball
they offer him a wife but hes married
one chick has a thing with the logo of the company that equipped brit 1
they try a picture but chief slams the cam
they show him sparkles
why'd they bring sparklers on a jungle trip?!
did they have sparklers in 1928?!
they find other stuff from brit 1 but chief goes
later the natives start going mental so they use sparklers and fire works to scare em off
later chief wants to see brit 2 alone
hes gonna b0ne him!!
chief takes brit 2 to a past campsite with evidence of brit 1
chief tells him through pantomime that brit 1  came by and some guys wasted em
but brit 2 knows cheif iced them
chief reads brit 2's ki and knows hes on to him
so he tries to cap him
but the safety is on
so brit 2 takes it and caps a bird
so chief thinks only white people can use guns
the natives return
btw most of this is movie narrated by brit 2
a translator sez the tomorrow the natives will ice everyone who don't go
1 guy cant take it and books it on a canoe
chief offers info for boots
he sez he'd show them brit 1's bones in a city of stone
also chief has a bandanna of the guy who booked it
brit 2 sends a last radio message saying da situation
they then have a Christmas thing
wait
the natives would kill everyone if brit 2 left em
da team packs up and boat down da river
and left cr-p behind for the natives to buy time
they scape down the river and wonder if the lost city is near
the end
wtf
they didn't even find the city
good movie though
based on a true story
seems like a thing you'd see on offbeat cinema
but I enjoyed it
for manhunt in the jungle 2 i'd like for a psychic in japan to receive a psychic message from the brit who went to find the city and it says he's alive and in the city but he's running out of time before the natives come for him. so japan sends a rescue team in the 30s after him with thre best armor and weapons they have. when the natives try to ice em they fight back as they took weapons with em instead of the brits and cut them down. they find the brit and ancient city and claim it for japan but more natives attack and its an epic clash between japan and brazil. also its an up to 4 player 16 bit game on sega genesis and snes and gba and you play as up to 4 japanese warriors fighting jungle animals, natives, and the final boss is a jungle sasquatch who leads the natives from the shadows who helped build the city.

The Snow Devils Review

note; i'm too eccentric to spell right
the snow devils
this is my review on the snow devils
ooh its by mgm
it starts with people in a sci fi thing
Robotech was better
beard guy sez the temp changed too much to be real
and the people there might get to return home
then the window busts and something gets em
then we get credits over a frozen landscape
tf southern cross production?
like Hokuto no ken or Robotech?
then in a space thing that looks like several other space things in other movies(2 wheels spinning) a guy video calls
caller is looking for guys but they are on mandatory leave
btw the movie is widescreen but the monitors in the movies are normal
the space thing calls for a guy but a bikini countess sez hes busy
they call a kung fu place where the guy looks dubbed over
the guy theyre looking for just left
then at a waterfront place with another bikini girl a rick Astley looking guy plays chess with a kid
rick Astley looking guy gts a call but he finishes the checkers game 1st
he gets beat
then rick Astley looking guy and his Russian homie fly a jet blasting jet black smoke out its engines
good thing global warming isn't real
plus theyre heading for the polar camp
but the glaciers are f'd
the artic is cracking open
turns out its a high energy proton field from the Himalayas causing it to melt
didn't go nagai do this in Devilman?
we need some hippies, drugs and a pure hearted teen
at the polar base everyones bit it
the window breaker busted in, iced everyone and trashed the place
they recover a huge footprint
the window breaker might be 7 feet tall and over 300lbs
so its sasquatch
also someone from the base was gonna marry some chick here
after rick Astley looking guy showers his Russian homie plays music
hes gonna go on a quest to find snow devils
well, survivorman found on his hunt for bigfoot that sasquatch may be the kids of fallen angels and humans
also a black guy from the area in the north is gonna lead em on the mission
he seems kinda zen
then he has a weird kung fu dance
rick Astley looking guy wonders if the guy missing (I think beardo) couldve survived
a chick named lisa H (not the Robotech chick) sez he might still be alive
man everyones mouths move weird
it looks dubbed
lisa H wants to find the missing guy
then the black guy cuz something happened but wont say
so he brings em to a building that just went up in flames
the building had a helijet
btw the black guy don't wear a shirt in the snow
I do dat too
I shovel snow in shorts and shoes
also the north ice elsewhere in the world is melting
they say they might be facing world wide floods
spoiler; theres not enough water in the ice caps to cover the planet
its like filling a glass of coke half way, putting in 1 ice cube, and saying; when it thaws it'll overfill
so the men go up da mountain by foot
was this filmed in soviet Canada?
they walk to 60s music
later the men on their team don't wanna go on outta fear of the snow devils
then why'd they com on this mission?!
didn't they know where they were going?!
also the lisa H is with em stowed away
Rick and Lisa H?
Robotech!!
later in da tent rick Astley looking guy and Lisa H talk about rick Astley looking guy's back story
his uncle got him into rocket space cr-p
also Lisa H looked up his stats be coming with him
then they make out
but stop and go to sleep
if this were made today they'd be b0ning
later they go up again
so the movie starts with some space stuff, then its a mountain climbing movie?
the space stuff seems tacked on
they go to a cave to wait out a storm
lisa reams and they look for her
they find beastmen like in Urotsukidoji
the manbeasts fight em
they get their a55es beat
they reunite with Lisa H snd the black guy
manbeasts (jujin) take them to a place with big ancient machines
the humans (ningen)think the beast men are not advanced enuff to make the machines
then 1 talks to em with a bit of a brit accent
he sez they are aliens
they'e home planet is an ice world like in Kirby
theyre planet was hit by radioactive space cr-p and they need a new one
so they need earth
they plan to melt the poles, flood da urth, and freeze it whole
but wont dat need massive energy to do so?
they reveal they were there 100 years(when the 1st snow devils appeared)
and were transporting the planet changing machines all that time
they get taken to the brig and beardo (lisa H's bf) is
lisa H's bf sent away to a cold place and presumed wacked?
just like Robotech
beardo sez the humans are doomed but threy go through the air conditioning vents
they left vents big enuff to let humans through?
they see alens under the vents and go by careful
btw; aliens destroying da urth? Robotech!
they get out the vents in an area thaty looks just like where they came in
holy cr-p this has been going for like 45 mins
it didn't feel like it
they find a supply room and wanna use chemicals to bust their weather machine
rick Astley looking guy wants to use chemicals to make ether and put it through the  A C
also they conveniently find gas masks
later a man beast finds em but they beat him
level up!
they use ether which looks like dry ice fog to put the man beasts to sleep
I dont think ether looks or moves like at
the leader of the man beasts resists the ether somehow and uses a sci fi gun on em
rick Astley looking guy fights him but his mask gets loose
the leader falls on the machine ands bites it
what a useful character
oh and the black guy got wounded
then somehow the ether gets sucked back into the vents
rick Astley looking guy wants beardo to contact the general
mean while the planet is starting to flood
oh and the gang got back to civilization
but the ice is still melting
both north and south poles
so  gang goes into space
eventually its found theres life on a satellite
so rick Astley looking guy and a few others go to it
they get there and theres no activity
they send stuff in but it gets disintegrated
so if they use missiles or lasers it wont work
I wasn't paying attention for a bit but they puled back and went out in space suits and planted things on various meteors
hey use the things on meteors to bring them along with him to the satellite
oh I think its a moon on the 5th planet
they fling the meteors at the satellite to get past the disintegration thing and bust it
they they return to base for debriefing and cocktails
the end
that was pretty good
good color, sets, ideas, effects, and costumes
the costumes look kinda like the Robotech expeditionary force in season 3 and the shadow chronicles
its got a lot in common with both Robotech and Urotsukidoji
and a bit of valis III where the aliens are heading to another world as theirs is going out
although that also happened with the Invid in Robotech season 3 (kinda) and Robotech masters in season 2 (kinda)
yeah it had some logic errors and plot problems
but that makes it more fun
check this one out
for the snow devils 2 i'd like for the man beasts to launch an invasion force on earth to overpower it and wipe out the humans through war instead of floods. the humans launch space fighters and use armed space stations to fight back. but the aliens have higher tech and more ships. so the humans reveal their ultimate weapon; a supper colossal lens near venus that can magnify and aim sunlight as an attack and aim it like a giant beam to burn through the enemy ships. but the snow devils use their ultimate weapon; a massive gamma ray cannon to wipe out life on earth. and its a race to send a shadow force to sneak behind enemy lines and locate the gamma cannon before its too late. also its a 16 bit sega genesis and snes and gba game where you play as the shadow force in stealth fighters who go through trapped areas and avoid detection(or execute those who find you) and try to find the gamma cannon location by hacking into their systems, which has cyber space levels and program bosses.

Blacula Review

note; I spell like homies talk. wiggle wiggle
blacula
this is my review on blacula
I like 70s films, Blaxploitation and horror
so this movie is cool
too bad we never had dolemite vs blacula
btw the guy who plays blacula was the king of cartoons on pee wees playhouse
that's awesome
also this isn't about the quantum leap guy scott blacula
bakula
bakura from Yugioh
bakuryu from bloody roar
bakuryuha from Inuyasha
bakuretsu senshi aka cyraid on game boy
bakuretsu hunters the anime
ooh mgm did this
and American international
eww
its widescreen
so in 1780 at draculas castle an African prince and his wife have dinner with Dracula
the prince wants to branch out his peoples stuff and improve relations
but Dracula don't wanna end slavery(part of the princes deal)
spoiler; irl the slaves were caught and sold to Europe and Americas by other Africans
so the meeting falls apart and big D sends his goons after the prince
they fight
its better than dolomite
prince is over powered and KO'ed
also draculas vampire 5kanks get the wife
Dracula drinks the prince and curses him to be a vampire
he names him blacula like hes a pokemon and seals him away in a box in his castle
also the wife has to spend her life outside the box
they get sealed in a hidden room in the castle
then we get 70s music and animation of bats and blood
oh the blood is a chick
I think the bat is b0ning her
then its the present of the 70s
some guys are gonna buy draculas castle
they say Dracula was wiped out 150 years ago
in the 1850s??
I think the guys are butt buddies
when da castle was restored they found hidden rooms
so the butt buddies go in one and buy the boxes in it
later its shipped to America
why????
good funky 70s music though
later in a warehouse at night the butt buddies open the boxes
one guy wounds his arm and blood comes out
then blacula arises and sucks his arm
the other butt buddy attacks blacula but it does nothing
then blacula sucks him
is this were in the 80s they'd mention the aids
but its the 70s
although vampires are undead so germs cant harm em
blacula puts on a cape and remembers draculas words
man its been nearly 20 mins
that felt like nothing
blacula returns to his box
later the butt buddies are having a service and blacula makes the afro butt buddy move
but the people think its a muscle reflex
this shaft like cop detective Gordon(flash Gordon? or the sesame street guy?) sez hes gonna help
wait, hes a scientist
the under taker sez he fixed up the neck to cover a "rat bite"
also hes bloodless
the other butt buddy is at another place as hes white
afro butt buddy's fam walks home and goes on different routes
1 in purple platform shoes and a mini skirt (like tea gardner in Yugioh) runs into blacula who recognizes her as his wife
she runs and he chases to 70s music
she gets away and blaculas gets hit by a taxi
this sassy black lady is driving the taxi and is kind of a b--ch to him
but gets nervous as he bares his fangs and sucks her
the wife mk II returns home but hears pounding on the door
pounding my a55
but its her friend or sister or w/e from b4 and she tells her the blacuila got her purse
meanwhile blacula returns to his box and we get calm music
the next day the scientist checks the taxi driver(not Robert de niro) blacuka ate
he sez the cops lost the reports on the butt buddies
he sez the cops don't care cuz the victim was black
but his butt buddy was white
he sez to bring the reports to the club tonight cuz its some chicks b day
oh its the wife 2.0's sister
she tells scientist about the sisters encounter with blacula
that night at the club is a 70s band singing 70s musc
wtf i read Gordon pincent is in this
hes a big deal in soviet Canada
at the club blacula meets the sisters
he explains he didn't mean to scare wife 2 and returned her purse
now theyre all droogs
during a different song scientist finds the butt buddies body is gone
a cool guy called skillet comes in and takes their picture
blacula leaves but makes plans to meet wife gx tomorrow
later the chick who took pictures returns home and develops em
shes in a skimpy dress you'd expect to see in sailor mooin
she notices blacula isn't in any pictures
then blacula comes in and sucks her
he also destroys the pix
how'd he know what cameras do?
also; how'd he know they'd have his non image?
a cop helps her after blacula left but she's turned and bites him
later scientist talks with Gordon pincent (head cop) who wont let him dig up a grAVE cuz of the paperwork nightmare
but then he gets him the permit anyway
ok
later he calls scientist and sez he couldn't get the permit
scientist wins over his gf (wife 2's sister) to dig up the butt buddies grave
also he reads about vampires
later blacukla meets the wife 2 at her home and sez she's his wife
he gives her his backstory of his village elders trying to stop the slave trade
also he became a vampire by Dracula(which she don't believe in) and shes his wife reincarnated
he wants to go back to Africa with her but she cant
he wont force her as he wants her to come of her own free will
they then make out
are they gonna b0ne?
that's like necrophililia
meanwhile scientist and gf dig up butt buddies grave and he comes out as a vampire
oh its the white butt buddy
he attacks em so scientist easily shanks him with a stake
gf freaks out about killing him and him being alive but scientist sez; its ok, hes undead
that's racist
also the afro butt buddy is out there
what if the afro butt buddy reunited with his butt buddy and they b0ned?
double necrophililia!
the dead b0ning the dead
scientist calls the body guy and has him take out the taxi driver but lock the door
btw body guy has a hook for a hand
after he takes her outta the fridge he gets a phone call
scientist gets the Gordon pincent and they go to the morgue
the taxi driver defrosts and gets the body guy
he didn't lock da door
meanwhile after b0ning wife 2, blacula goes home as its almost sun up
she sez she loves him
scientist and Gordon pinscsit
arrive and find the taxi driver
scientist holds it off with a cross and the sun cooks her
now gordin pinsent belives him
but they cant let anyone know they are hunting vampires
or they'd think they're nuts
later at da club scientist talks with blacuka about the occult and eases into vampires
they play their cards right s as to not reveal too much
blacuka leaves as skillet arrives
later scientist checks out the picture chick's place and maybe finds the photos
he realizes blacula is with wife 2 and goes after her
he attacks blacula but is no match and blacula leaves
so scientist and a cop follow
the cop empties a gun into him and it does nothing and blacula beats him dead
later scientist regroups with gormin sinpint
a cop sees the butt buddy and they tail him
but they get away
btw a vampire gotta return to his box b4 sun up
but these vamps never had coffins
how dat work?
so the cops including gorgin pinent find the butt buddy is at the ware house it started in
the find butt buddy with other vamps
cops open fire but it does nothing
why not shoot their neck til their head comes off?
worked in mad bull 34
the vamps eat the low rank cops but scientist throws oil lamps and they burst into fire when thrown
these aint holy water and this isn't Castlevania
the warehouse goes up in fire
isn't this how THEM ended?
blacula sez he moved his box and he turns into a bat and escapes
btw the scientist sez vamps increase like 1 2 4 8 16 ect each night
if that was true how'd Europe not get over taken decades ago?
the next night I think, the cops set up a big thing around wife 2
the townspeople are  going mental over it for some reason
this is L A btw
aka new Sodom
blacula mind messages wife 2 and she goes out
I think its mind control
also he turns into a bat and flies around
the cops follow her to a chemical plant zone
I just realized that maybe all blaculas vics vampires might be sharing a coffin with blacula
so wife II returns to blacula in the chemical plant zone and they try to escape
a cop caps em and wastes the wife
so blaxulas beats him dead
he decides to vamp her
after sucking her he declares war on the people who caused this
they hear it cuz he uses his outside voice
he then starts icing em one by one
he chucks 1 guy into other guys on the stairs
but I think they live
scientist finds blaculas box and in it is wife
gordin pincent shanks her right after it opens and she eventually bites it
blacula comes in and finds her iced
having nothing left to exist for he goes upstairs and gets cooked by the sun
to be fair, he could just wait for her to be reborn again
the music is kinda like in reanimator
he lasts a while (longer than count orlok) and when gordin pinseint and scientist find him his skuin cooks off his bones
the end
that was pretty good
not as good as I remember it
the 1st time I saw it (on offbeat cinema) the last 15 mins felt like a video game
but its entertaining
its good if ur into, to quote the simpsons; anything from the vampires point of view?
hes not evil, but has to suck people cuz of the vamp thing
I liked this
btw the whole; reborn love, story was used by sailor moon with serena and darien
for blacula 2 i'd like for the sister of the wife to get into black magic to try to revive the sister. but it goes wrong and turns her into a were wolf. now every time she sees the moon she turns into a black wolf and goes around eating people. also her sister's soul guides her to ice drug dealers and she goes around doing that. its a 16 bit sega genesis and snes and gba game where you play as the wolf chick and escape building to get to a window to see moonlight. also the building are full of drug dealers after you. turn were wolf you go around choppin em up.

Snake Woman Review

Note; Spelling right is for nerds. i'm more of a 90s guy. homie

Snake woman

this is my review of snake woman (1961)

I never saw this film but its a classic horror that's only 68 mins so this could be fun

after a united artists logo we get narration

in some place at 1890 in November this cr-p happened

btw this is in b/w

yays!

but in widescreen

gay!

then we get credits

wtf these names sound like britz

so this nerd in his lab hears crying and gets snake venom from a snake

to quote that mel brooks movie; they put a live snake up your a55!

he then tries to give this chick a shot of snake venom

he sez its gonna fix her crazy brain

but she sez shes preggers and worries of her kid

but he don't care about his wife and child. only his science

well, he IS britidsh!

he needles her with da venom

then she starts pooping out her baby

he runs to get a dr

cut to after da dr pooped her out baby

the baby is cold but fine

the midwife has powers and senses evil from the kid

btw its a girl

also the baby has no eyelids

the mom must've done toad(family guy ref)\\

mom sees the kid and it hisses

then she bites it

it sucked out her soul!

its the seventh sign all over again!!

the midwife freaks out and tries to assassinate the baby

how liberal

the men stop her despite being English and she runs off

this movies f'd up

besides; the baby can be taught good

or trained to resist evil

in alien resurrection; i think it would be cool if they trained her hybrid beige son to function in society

like that contra game with an alien player.

it would be cool to see an alien fighting aliens.

also, i think it getting shredded and torn up in the window hole is a reference to abortion

joss whedons f'd up

the midwife arouses the villagers into a mob y telling em the baby will kill em all

nerd sez maybe its better his daughter bites it

but the dr sez its important the kid lives

for science and cr-p

dr takes the kid but hes gotta go to africa for some reason tomorrow

the villagers think the snakes are evil and waste em

wtf

you know snakes eat rats right?

at my grandpa's farm in da 90s I caught a snake with my bare hands when I was like 4

I showed my mom and she freaked out

also my cool 90s aunts daughter has a pet snake

I had a pet tarantula

after bustin up his place and somehow it catches fire, main guy bites it in his own home as the villagers left him to bite it

so the villagers are murderers

the dr gives the baby to this beard guy for 1 night til the dad gets her

oh and beardo's dad I mean dog don't like the kid

dogs hate me too

we otta gas em

nah

that's a waste of gas

just use a hammer!!

so I guess we timeskip as the baby is now a little girl

either that or its like species

beardo plays the flute and the girl does something to an animal offscreen

btw the nerd was b0ning his wife while she was crazy

20 years after this started 1910; dr comes back from Africa

he finds the nerd bit it and beardo was raising her

also shes had some good and not experiences and moods

oh and the girl disappeared years ago

and her name is a snake name

so much exposition

btw lucky the mom pooped her out that day

what with the dr going to Africa for 20 years

dr looks at the nerds house and theres snakes

after he leaves the ghirl is in a tight top and has kinda 80s-ish hair

later a guy bits it

a man identifies the hand wound at a king cobra bite

somehow

the guy who identified it is a colonel who served in india

later at Scotland yard 2 brits talk about the colonel sending them a note of the snake girl haunting the village

the higher rank brit sends a cop cuz he respects the colonel

I assume in the real version they were butt buddies in the war

the cop gets a gun

i'm surprised that's allowed in soviet England

so cop goes to da village and h0ly cr-p we're over 30 mins in already

this films half over

so cop meets colonel(not the mega man x4 guy) and every year someone in the village bites it from a snake

they talk about the nerd and cr-p that happened in the 1st half

colonel has a flute for charming snakes and gives it to cop

the cop is like crow from Yugioh 5ds as he pops in 1/2 through the story and becomes the main guy

he walks by playing the flute and meets snake girl

they talk and he nearly kills a snake for being poisonous

but she saves it from his racist attack

she knows what its like to be hated for being herself

she vanishes and meets the midwife whos also a witch

but she don't identify as one

shes still a witch though

just a denier

so she gets out a voodoo doll and sez now only cop can stop the snake girl

he has cop cap the voodoo doll 3x

now snake girl will bite it from 3 shots from the cops gun

later cop talks with colonel about the last night

he sez de snake gurl had cold skin

later another guy bites it

1 guy sez; snake or girl or witch i'll make her pay

but its a witch who set them after her

its revealed those biting it bite it from 2 different poison kinds

later the last guy who bit its dad goes after da girl and wastes a snake in front of her

she looks at him and he falls and later they find him with he snake he iced

dr sez hes gonna do wat he should've done years ago

colonel checks the body and sez its not as simple as he thought

dr goes after snake girl

but she turns into a snake and bites his parts offscreen

colonel sez the son bit it from a normal snake but da dad from cobra

colonel sez he looked over the notes of da nerd and rehashes what we saw b4 about the venom injections turning the baby snake

everyones already put dat together

and theres like 10 mins left in diss film

so cop has dinner at a bar (its not a pub! dats brit talk!) and chats with a chick

he plays the flute and she sez he s-cked

normal girls don't like it

maybe snake girl has a music fetish(is dat real??)

cop goes out with da flute and finds a big thing of human skin

midwife/witch is there and sez his destiny is to stop snake girl and to go to the nerd burned down house

colonel goes to da bar and talks to the barmaid about cop playing the flute

colonel goes off to help cop

the villagers start having a mob and witch/midwife sends em to nerds burned home

cop finds dr's body

cop finds snake girl and is understanding

he tries to help her

colonel calls and she turns cobra

he caps it

the mob arrives and they see the snake unfade into the girl

they say she's bit it

cop gives his report and higher rank cop burns it

the end

that was pretty good

not high octane or edgy but its well made

sorta like the 1st x men movie

calm and good pacing

btw I wrote the nerd thing b4 the movie started. the dad being a nerd was not intended as a ref as that

for snake woman 2 I want the witch to be revealed to have been the bad guy and turned the village against the snake girl as she had a destiny to beat her. she starts ww1 and Europe is getting f;d up. so the cop tries to find a magic jewel that can unkill the snake girl and allow her to stop the witch/midwife. its also a platform game on sega genesis and snes where you play as the cop going across Europe to find the magic jewel and in the 2nd half of the game you play as the snake girl with new powers and take on tougher enemies and bosses made by the witch. actually, make it in the 1st part of the level you get a piece of the jewel and revive the snake girl a bit, and the 2nd act you play as her to beat the night enemies(the 1st act is daytime in villages during ww1 and you avoid French soldiers and brits who are working for the witch who has mind controlled the king by using his evil to twist him)

Destination Moon Review

note; I spell as accurate as animation of the moon being made of cheese is
destoination moon
this is my review on destination moon
its from 1950 and by George pal who did the time machine, tom thumb and the 7 faces of dr lao
its directed by Irving Pichel who did the most dangerous game, the great Rupert and Colonel Effingham's Raid
are those p0rn0es?
its based on a book Rocket Ship Galileo by Robert A. Heinlein
after scrolling credits like flash Gordon we get a rocket test
but it blows apart
2 guys talk but I'm not paying attention
btw this is fullscreen
no black bars
later at a sci fi airplane place the guy from the rocket fail (the general(not the megaman x 4 guy)) comes to meet a airplane ceo\
general wants ceo to help him make a new rocket
a rocket to da moon!!
ceo sez its not possible but general sez with an atomic engine it can
general sez they need to pool their resources and cr-p with ceo to put man on da moon in a year
if that don't work they can always fake it lol
we get a model and explaination
water heated by atomic engines makes steam to go out da rockets a55
they show a motion pictiure with a high rank American actor to explain it
its woody woodpecker
I'm srs
the narrator shows woody woodpecker how rockets work using a shotgun
he flies by shooting the ground a lot
even contra didn't do dat
he then rides a rocket up to show gravity and escaping it
and how it goes to and lands on da moon
then goes back
this is pretty nice
I recall seeing this movie years ago on offbeat cinema b4 it changed stations and isn't on Canadian tv anymore
ceo sez they gotta do it to stay in business
the best people to do it are in da private sector so da gov cant do it
and other countries might go 2 da moon 1st
and set up weapons on it
whoever controls the moon controls da urth
even contra never did that
btw in Robotech the Invid got the earth and the defence forces on da moon based did jack
later the astronaughts are made uniforms in different colors so they dont get lost on da moon
later 2 guys talk about if the rocket can go to da moon
ceo sez that theres no law against firing off a spaceship so if they go w/o telling the people it can be easier w/o some one interfering
better to ask for forgiveness instead of permission
or rather; consent!!
also general, ceo and a 3rd guy are going on the rocket
also they worry about radioactivity in space
1 guy has his appendix out so they gotta use joe
joe was the guy who said they couldn't do it earlier
but they win him over
later some guys come up to da rocket with a court order telling threm not to go
I was reading about walter lanz (the creator of woody woodpecker) and missed a bit
they clear the area and take off
as they go up the gravity squishes their faces
maybe they could use this for training by building strength in high gravity like dbz
ce they get in space the joe lets out his seatbelt and floats around
how'd they do dat?
joe gets sea sick in space as theres no up in space
1 guy gets him some pills by climbing around the background
joe has issues swallowing in space w/o gravity
spoiler; dats cr-p!
u can swallow upsidedown!
1 guy gets magnet boots and wall walks
he gets da other guys mag boots
they look at da urth from space with marvel
later they drink cola with straws and eat bananas (phallllic symbolz)
where they gon put da peels?
turns out joe greased something and now its frozen in space
is that real??
so they gotta go out and fix it
they go out upsidedown in space on ropes and magnet boot walk on the bottom of da ship
also they are going 7 miles per second or something
but in space it seems not like it
2 guys work on the grease thing while 1 goes to the a55 end of da rocket
he lets go of the rope and as his boots come off the ship from bending, starts to float off
well, that's the end of him!
the 2 guys throw him a rope but he cant reach
general I think coms up with a scuba tank and 1 guiy blasts around space with it like a 16 bit platformer
he saves the floater and they get back in
near da moon they flip the ship and blast out the rocket a55 to land
man, we're already an hour in and it feels like no time happened
this movie has good flow
they get out and look at the weird moonscape
ladder handles extend from the side of da rocket and they walk down it
I'm not sure that would work
the friction from atmosphere heat would burn em shut
they get down and it plays dramatic music
I gotta say this looks good
nowadays it would be ruined with cg
they radio talk with reporters on earth about it
they describe da moon to them
why cant they use a video feed?
they have radios to the moon in real time but no cameras?
1 guy jumps around on the low gravity moon
they go out to explore and 1 guy takes a photo of another
they take another that looks like he's holding da urth
they jump around the moonscape to one guy (I think general) who reveals the mood is radioactive in areas
turns out; they don't have enuff fuel to get the ship off da moon
so they lighten it by taking cr-p out da ship
they cut stuff off the ship and dump 3 spacesuits
but thewy still weigh too much
why not sand down the stuff inside and shave off their hair?
they decide one of em has to stay behind
just like every other movie like this
they argue over who gets to bite it
if this were ade today; one of em would be black and he'd sacrifice himself to save the white virgin couple
joe sez to draw lots for it\
why not take off their clothes and return nude?
joe goes out in a spacesuit and sez he's gonna stay
1 guy talks joe back on saying he has a plan
they choose to take out da radio and leave the spacesuit and use a MacGyver style thing to get the suit out da airlock
and poke a hole in da lock so he has time to get out
and use a oxygen tube on a rope to pull the suit out
they do it
I realize they are wearing shoes
could've left those to save some weight
they blast off and return home
da urth looks kinda like in Robotech
the end
but it sez; this is THE END of the beginning
cuz space cr-p is gonna happen irl soon after this was made
that was pretty good
good flow and pacing
no cr-ppy love interest subplot tacked on
I don't think there were any chicks in this movie
at least not in main roles
just like da real moon landing
unless it was faked
lol jk
its not global warming
for destination moon 2 i'd like for it to be a few years in the more distant future and the moo has become a base for weapons testing too dangerous on earth. the non american country mentioned in the 1st movie is revealed to be England and they wanna use the moon to take over da urth. they send spies to the moon as fake americans as America owns the moon now and plan to destroy it. also in the chaos of the moon being gone, the tides and animals start f ing out and England tries to take over in the chaos. but America takes on England as the planet f's out in raging seas and storms all over da urth and they fight in exosuits that can turn into submarines and jets.