The Guns Of Fort Petticoat Review

 Note I spell like a 1800 guy

The Guns of Fort Petticoat

this is my review on The Guns of Fort Petticoat from 1957

its got aufdie murphy and no one i know

its directed by Hamilton Luske whp did Fantasxia, Pinoccio, The Reluctant Dragon, Cinderella, Alice in Wonder Land, Peter Pan, :Lady and the Tramp, 101m dalmations and mary pooppins

its by Disney b4 they went evil and Walt was a producer

its in color and widescreen

so after credits we get text saying near the end of the civil war, da gov tried to keep the indians on the rerservatrion

a union soldier talks with indiansd abotu staying on reservations and about them trading with others

he reports to his boss he found indians but not the ones who iced peopole as they came from the south

but boss wants to attack em aND main guy warns him that it would cause problems

boss hassles him for being from Texas and when he talks back hes locked up

should've sided with Jefferson

unions are usuially the bad guys

soviert union, european union, union vs confederatem, ect

so boss goes out and main guy goes out on horse and the union soldierrsa attack the indian tent city

kinda suurprised theyt'd have the indians as  victims aND AMERICANS AS BAD GUYS

THATS MORE LIker a 2000s film

main guy cant stop the attack and books it to a border town in Texas

the locals wonder about him as hes in a union outfit and he sez hes from texas

but then the indians attack and cuz its texas, everyone whips out their guns and fight back

GOOD GUY WITH A GUN!!

the indians loot the place like a race riot in the 2010s and main guy is welcomed by the Texas

huh, John Dierkes from, The 50s The Thing, Red Badger of Courage, X: The Man with the X-ray Eyes, and The Omega Man is in here

later main guy goes to see his gf whos married and hasd a kid(waiit itsa her husbnasnds brother) and he wants her to get to saftey

but they dont like him cuz he fought foir the union

he goes around and gets more of the same ashe betrayed the protoculture anbd think its a union trick

1 chick opens fire on him and he is gonna slug her until he sees shes a chick

later he comes across a burned farmwith human corpses and brings 1 around to the people who didn't trust him and they change their tune

also its implied the indians b0ned her

A rich chick comes in on a busted wagoin and needs fixing but they got indians coming

then a guiy fakes an indian attack as a joke and gets slugged by main guy for it

they decide to stay there and stand their ground as the men are fighting foir freedom in the war

also most of the chicks know how to use a firearm as its Texas and evertyones bada55

they ready the base and main guy gives shooting lessons

also theres this tough older woman like the Praxian Amazons in Robotech II The Sentinels who's bada55 and strong

1 blonde chick sez the training isn't fun and offers to b0ne him

Also he trains em in hand to hand combat and has em bring water up a thing so the enemy woin't have it

1 chick can't take the stress and her bf dont wwanna marry her yet and she as a secret

main guy blows the well so the indians dont get it

huh, according to wikipewwdisa, the boss yankee who did the attack on the village took pieces of his victims, some crotches, some babies

later they are maKING STUFF OUTTA PETTICOATS AND MAIN GUY MAKES THE RICH CHICK usse hers instead of her slasve or w/e

he chats withs his ex gf about her husband but she sez she don't like da husband

Then brother comes in and points a gun at main guy and hesez he already has a chickk

he sezits the gun chick from b4 and he tells kid its a secret

the guy who joke indian attacked sez to da chix theres no indians and they gotta book it

so main guy frees the horses but joke guy gets a horse and trys to escape

main guy jumps him abnd they fisty fight and min guy wins

they all talk about how main guy is a deserter and so is joker guy, and main guy wanted em to not go as they might out him as a desserter

then they see smoke and 1 of their farms was torched

later kid tells gun chick and main guy he didn't tell the secret of them bewing a couple

in jail joke guy sez sorry for being a  jacka55 to his gf and he wants to marry her

he sez if she helps him escap[e, they can get pmarried and she aids him

but he shoves her on her a55 and books it as she crys

he's the kinda guy who yuou'd see on maury and saying he's not the father, but is!!

main guy sz to gun girl hhe had da horse to lead the indians away if they found it

joke guy goes out to an empty farm and jaxcks some booze but some mexicoes are there and seem drunk

they string him up by his armpits and want his cadh

he has none and they gonna cap him and he sez the place he escaped fropm has gold and jewels and is run by chix on guasrd for an indian attack

the mexicans cap  him so he don't tell and they dont gotta share

so later the kid sees someone comming and its the mexocans

they let em in and they say the joke guy sent em and they want da gold

they beat down main guy pull a gun but the chicks scare em off with guns

GOOD GUY WIOTH A GUN

then the indians come andchase the mexoicxos aNd catch em

to save them,selves they out the town of having gold and women and the indians take em,

the base guys go on the roof and the indians think the town is empty

the indians then cap the mmexicans right as they realisse the chicks are on da roof

the indian gang leaves but kid has an accidental discharge  and the indiaN FORCES COME BACK

U F--KED US ALL KID!

the indians attack and the americans open fire, then break off and retreat

the church lady dont wanna kill anyone as theres a commandment agianst it, but it really says THOU SHALT NOT MURDER and David killed Goliath

the indians attack and 1 chiuck gets it and oh its the joke guys gf

church chick sez its cuz shes a sinner(spoiler; all have sinned) and they reground

after some stress and freak outs, the rich chick sez sorry for judging the h--ker

the indians bang drums and send scouts to collect their fallen

ex gf sez she's learned love is important and she's gonna ditch her husband for him

main guy chats with gun chick as shes malcontent over something

ooh, a lovbe triangle like in robotech

gun chick chats with h--ker about her feelings for main ghuy and main guy sesz they can hold off til they get burned out, or attack em

tough chick trys to takje pout their shaman byn stuffing her gun wityh more powder buyt it blows apart

this gives main guy an idea and he has gunpwder burried outside

gun chick sez sorry for beinmg b--chy at main guy and kisses him on the face without consent

so later the inddians advance aND  the chiox fire on the gunpowder and blow ep around

main guy jacks a horse in the confusion and the chiox cover him

bada55 chick gives the kid a gun to aTONE FOR HIS SIN

main guy falls off his horse but uses a gun and iced 2 guys, then capps their shaman

more shooting and chicks getting it andf the rich chicks slave gets it

the church lady snapps and yerlls and the kid gets capped trying to save her

then she trys to run out with a gfun but is pulled back

an indian gets in and h0--ker uses martial arts to counter him and tomahawked him dead

more chicks get it and more indians do too

main guy brings baCK THE SHAMAN AND athey string him up from the church and the indians stop as its their protoculture

they book it and main guy sez to gun chick hes gotta go and pay his time for desserrting

back at his base he is court martialled and his boss sez he dont buy his story

then the chicks come in and back up his story and church lady is packing heat and willing to fight

then a higher up guy sez hes gonna try the boss for his role in ther massacre and main guy is set free

gun girl gets with main guy and they go off together

the end

that was pretty good

they'd never make this todayt as movie companys are too candya55 topp make good films anymore and fear being un pc

its a good mostly clean film and has a souther as the hero and the yankees and indians as the bad guys

its well made, has good msuic and looks and feels mand tells the story weell

i'm glad i saw it. these films from the 50s were great

before the beatles devolved the protoioculture and made everyone a junkie

For The Guns of Fort Petticoat 2 I want America to have split into Union and Confederate and the main guy from the 1st movie bis married and has some kids with the chick. but the indiansd have regrouped with a stronger medicione man who sdummons daemons that threaten the confederate state of texas he's in. so he and his teen kids and wife go onb a fight to beat the demon soldfiers that were summoned with holy water dipped bullets to beat the new daemon shaman. its also a 16 bit run n gun game weith up to 4 players on ssegas genesis, snes, tg16,  atari jaguar and gba and you go through devolved german exprtressionist towns and fight weird h r gigar/ urotsukidoji monsters

Future Hunters Review

 Note; I sp[ell fuuruticstic

future hunters

this is my review on future hunters from 1986 (the year the Robotech II The Sentinels was gonna happen)

Its got Robert Patrick from Terminatioor 2 asnd Double Dragon and no one else i know

its directal by Cirio H. Santiago who did Equalizer 2000, The Expendables(from 88), Bloodfist 2050 and other cr-p I never saw

This is one of Robert Patriocks 1st films and he's pretty cool

I never saw this b4 buit its on Comet and I think it could be good

so narrator sez its 2025 and th workld is sh-t. But the Spear used to pierce the side of Jesus is the only hope

now this guy is tyrying to find it and theres wasteland warriors and sh-t from fist of the north star

so this main guy drives a bada55 car as bikers chase him across the road in the desert oif probably soviet california

he uses an arrow with a thing on it to bllow the car chasing himbut more warrtiors come after him and aim guns

btw,. 2025 is when Transformers Victory happened

so then main guy is in a base and beating up guys and capping em with a big a55 gun

hes in a temple and its surrounded and tanks get called in

main guy finds a glowing blade and tanks attack the temple

then credits to epic music

then its the late 80s and this chic in at this stone place witgh a guy to nice music

she has exams and needs more info from looking at a rock wall and guy wants to watch a ball game

he sez ever since her dad bit it she's lost her way

then some bikers get em and fight the guuy and beat himn down

main guy wakes up in the area the couple just was and bikers catch the chick

main guy fightsd da bikers and gets shot but walks it off as the bikers dissolve into goo

bf comes too and he and chick take maIN GUY TYO THE DR

they sez they out of l a but he dont know what that is and he sez they need to join the sppear and the shaft and asks what date is

they say june 12 1986 and he sez theres a holocost comming

then the future guy bites it, huh, i thought he was the main guy

so later guy sez to chick he got a dcrop dusting job and she sez she found stuff about the names future guy gaev em

then this blonde guy cvome in and se he wants the spearhead and his minion busts the place up a bit

then some people come by and blonmde guy sez he's gonna be back later

the people outsiode leave and she goes to the university to look into things

proffesser sez he lost contact with a guy and they show him da spear head and he wants it but teens say its entrusted to em

proffesser sez he can get the guy to get in tough with them and she gives him her number

they drive on and noitice they being followed and the chasers open fire on em

bf wants to give up the spearhead but chick dont wanna and they gotta find this guy

so the car chasing them crashes and blows and burns and the heroes go to asia and are diven by not bruce lee

so in this building hotel some guys catch her and bf and not bruce klee save her by icing the guys

bf gets a guy in a lock and grills him AND he sez this expedition was missing in the Venus Valley, a place with amazion warriors of legend

later the couple in in bed in undies but not b0ninbg and bf nearly wacks a telegram guy who comes over with a note inviting them to dinner

mwanwhile, blonde guys boss b--hes at himover getting nucular stuff and sattilites and other sh-t nto wipe out the people on urth he dont like

oh and they're nazis (or nat zeds in soviet canada)

at dinner blkonde comes over and sez hes a dsr's aid and they try to back out and run

blonded pulls a gun and theres a chase and a fight and blonde catchs chick and takes her off

bf beats guys out and jacks a jeep and goes after em

then its dday and i guess he was driving all night and he busdts intoi a home and starts wastting guys with blades and guns

he finds the professer and as a nazui andhes got the real professer they were lookjing fgoirt and girlk at gunpoint

real guy sez no one know where the blade isd and only the shaft is in the valley, but fake proff shows hes got it

fake prof and blonde guy leave em in tthe room and take off in a choppper and the couple free real prof

tthen the chopper fires bullits and misiles at the homeas the good guys esacape

THE COUPLE GETS A CHOPPER AND FINDS NOTES IN IT to an island on a map

they fly and bad guys chopper sees em and calls em on radio and tells em theres a  charge under the seat

they jump out anbd the chopper blows (Why did you tell them!? yuu eeee deee ottt!!) and they land in water

so they go to a plane place and bf ties up a guy and he jacks this plane

they fly there and have only 11 parachute and no place to land so they ditch da stolen plane and share it with him hugging her

pretty sure she'd slip ourt whjen the chute goes and splatter

so now they in da jungle and  fall down a thing after frewakjing outr from a big a55 snake and wind up at gunpoit bby the bad guys

so they're tied up and not ewxecuted for some reason and some hoprse riders bsaattl;e the nazies weith guns vs spears

the main guys get away and dda nazies follow and bf sneak attacks 2 and shreds em woth a gun

the sound gets the others attentionb and they run and cross a bridsge

bf takes out guys cropssing da breidge but falls throiugh and grapples a guy as gf runs

her gets out and 1 guy has a grenade go off and blowws the bridge and he climbs bacxk up

they go on and see the horse guys and go into a cave and al;ll these people come ouit and catch em

the cave people know ewhere the vallley is but needs help to figfht some guy bugging em for years

so they go out and the came guys and bf take outthjese guys with steallth and sneak attaCKS LIKE CAVEMAN NINJA but noit joe asnd mac

the chick uses a crossbow to take a guy out and the cave guys save bf from tthe sword weilding enemys as he sword fights em

Man tthis is like a silent film as its no chat all action

so aafter like 20 mins of killing, the midget cave guys bring them to the volcano and the mnain guys go in

they find da nazzies and run and fight but are caught and told to give tjhe spearhead

then bikini chicks fire arrows at te nazoies and fake proff gets away

the good guys are caughtb and taken to this primitive village and told they can have the spear if they can get it

but 1st there much be a match aainst te champion and if chick don't win, she bites it

she has to have a sword fight on a log over a pit in a fire circle with gaters in it

chick knox oer the champoin with a torch and the amazons spear her as the gaters eat her

looks like feminists are hardly ever pro life lol

so the couple goes into the cave and bf throws a snake away and she gets the shaft

but then fake propf comes in somehow and wants to genetically engeneer the world so the less evolved won't be there

he fights bf and ofers him a chanceto join him afyter saying they shouldnt exist

chick puts the spear together, throws it to him and he shanks fake prof

then for no reason., the area crumbles and the heroes are stuck in the think by rox

the cave midgets dig a way to themand they get out to inspiring music

then she lifs up the spear and it just ends w/o mentioning the future or w/e being saved

then credits to adventure 80s music

the end

I lilked this

its 80s direct to video cheese, but has good music and action

robert patrick delivers and its got a plot that keeps twisting

wtf is this movie?!

w/e it is, i enjoyed it

its got good stuff and is in proper fullscreen without black bars eating half the screnn

for future hunters 2 i want the nazies to regroup and try their world nuking plan and its up to the chick and the bf to stop it. tHEY USE THE SPEAR TO USE POWERS LIKE HOLY ARMOR OR invisbility or energy blasts or super jump and take on te bases with nazies to stop em. aLSO its a 16 bit action game like metroid on sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar and gba where you go around and use different powers of the spear to get through these bases.

Thunder Over The Plains Review

 Note: I spell cowboy

Thunder Over The Plains

This is my review on thnder over da plauinz from the disatant future year of 1953 (The year the actoes of Minmeio aand Lisa from Robotech and the chick who did Birdramon in Digimon were born)

i never saw it but its directal by andre detoth who did Pitfall, the 50s House Of Wax, and The Mongols

It stars Randolph Scott, Elisha Cook Jr from the Bogart films, Hugh Sandders from To Kill A Mockingbird, aned bno one else I know

ooh and the guy wo did those tarzan fiolms  i never saw, lex barker

so its 1869 and most states were reabsorbed into the union, except texas

and the arpet bahggers are jooing the natives and tthose who fight back are hunted by those commie yankees

1 guy becomes a robin hood to fight those commies and da big gov puts up martial law to oppress the texas's

I like how it don't make the confederates look exaggeratedly unrepentantly evil and tthe yankees look super good

so the troops don't like oppressing the honorable texas but are just following orders

so these yankees steal this guys home cuz he couldnt paY his jacked up taxes and whhen e tells a guy off, a ruckus  breaks ouit for 20 seconds

they auction his cr-p off and as tthey go, they get held up by confederates who send their men off and capturre the carpet baaggers

tthey get sent back w/o shoes or pants or coats and as they are tenderfoots, they can't handle the unpaved roads

so da troopers come by and bring em to town and main trooper repports  to his superior

theres a 1000 $ boiunty on the good guys annd main guy is reveale to be a texas who fights his own people

and superior has 2months til retirement

so main guy goes home to his woman who hates it there as everyne hates em living there and being hated by the natives

he stands up for his confederate homies sayinmg they need respect and understanding

nowadays he's bew shown as the bad guy for not demonizing them

so by august 69 things got worse and more troops are sent and theres an uprising planned

main guy invites a guy over for dinner and then a guy outs some texans for having supplies for the cash

the place is 15 miles away and trhey suspect it might be a trap so they lock up the outer til they get back

they go there and main guy tells dinner guy to go around back and give the texas's a chance to surrender

in da base the guys think they better go but don't

eventually a gunfight breaks out and the tenasx get away

turns out 1 went b4 the team weas ready and cost em it

then 1 texas is taken out by a trooper

the tropoers come back and later at home, main guy is bummed obver the texas beingh capped

dinner guy comes by for diner and is revaled to be a grad of west point and gets along with main guys wife

the guy who outed the texas base gets out and is nervous

the carpet baggers bicker over money and how they work with da gov to joo the teas people and outer comes in

he wants the money andf has a gun on bad guy and needs it to get outta town or the tyexas guys will get him

carpet bagger sees this and as bad guy leads outer out, he shanks him in the back

carpet bagger sez he dont wanna be part of murder and bad guy will blame it on the texas heroes

and if carpet bagger speaks out, he's get it

at dinner,the main guy finds the outer's body outside his place with a note saying its in revenge for the guy who got iced

superier sez its a closed case but main guy sez it don;''t see right as a stab in the back don't fit the guys style

kinda like every time dsa gov does an attack or crisis and blames someone to inflame the people and media

so the troopers bring the cotton stolen from the people and the main guys stays back fore a bit

the texas heroes attack but then the troopers spring out and trap em

the rebel leader escapes on foot and main guy follows

main guy goes on and leader has a clean shot at him but lets him go on and holds him at gunpoint from behind

he sez none of his men iced outer and offers a deal to spare his boys

they accept and he's brought in on the promice of a fair trial

but later its revealed the gov is ordering them to execute him w/o a trial as its marshall law

main guy gets 3 days to prove him innocent like majoras mask

also dinner guy akka tarzan smooches the main guys woman w/o consent and main guy walks in and they fist fight

main guy sez he'd ice him if he sees him again and sends his a55 packing

in trhe real vbersion they were b0ning

at night, the leaders droogs capture the carpet bagger to trade for him and if he's not let go, they strring his a55 up

and bad guy is there and a guy who reported the capture went to bad guy 1st

dinner guy and main guy say they ran into a door about their brusies and superior sez he's gonna string up rebel leader tomorrow if carpet bagger aint freed

main guy meets leader and trys to get him to have his men let carpet bagger go

he agrees after a speech about the carpet baggers ruining texas and main guy goes to meet the texas guys

he sez if the carpetr bagger is returned, he'd get more tiume to proove the truth

they agree but any signs of a double croos and main guy gets it

his woman wants him to be not go out on this mission and he says he has to cuz of bushido code and goes out in normal clothes even thoguh he can get in trouble for it

some guys see him and out him to the superior and superoir has dinner guy sent to bring him back

if he f's up, he gets sent to indian turf where he'd get iced and probable eaten alive by buiffalo or sasquatch

so they go to the place and dinner guy tarezan is gonna have main guy iced himself

reminds me of King David having Uriah wacked to cover his seduction with his wife

or r fk having marilin iced for wanting to out his and his brothers b0ning her

or the qween having diana and her butt buddy and their unborn, mixed race, illegitimate, interfaith kid iced for going against her monarchy

at the place, the carpetbagger says he has something but the troopers come in

the dinner tarzan caps carpet bagger while attacking main guy and in the chaos main guy egts ko'ed but a fellow trooper shows up b4 dinner guy can finish him

so they capture main guy and bring him in and he gets out and away

superior sez tarzans going to soviet washington and main guy escapes with the texas guys and plan to get the item in carpet baggers office

thery sneak in but the troops find the place they went in has a busted lock and this guy who main guy saved in the war sees him but says its clear and goes

bad guy's minion sees the shades are down in the carpetbaggers place and they weren't b4 and bag guy gets his un and goes over

the texas heroes open a box and find a confession saying he knows the bad guy wants him iced for witnessing the icing of the guy

bad guy comes in and main guy knox over the lamp with DOESN'T burn down the place and he escpase as a guy is iced knife in the back

main guy also got out by busting through a window like he's batman and taking no cuts

must've been made in chhina

so main guy sneaks around town like its zelda on n64 in the palace and bad guys sneaks around looking for him

badguy fires at him but he fires back and bad guys minion is sneaking around

1 guy on a upper level sez main guy is in da bank and thewy fire in there but main guy escapes out ass window

main guy capsguy on upper thing and thenminion but hets his left arm capped like gohan in dbz

tthen taakes out bad guy andnarrator sayus stuff like this helped stop xcorrup[tion and carperbaggery

laterpeace returned and they stoppe fights and in 1870, texas rejoined tthe union

then norman and saxon got to live in peace and things were ok again

the end

that was pretty good

its got themes and lessons people today deal with and doesn't demonize rebel or yankee

I like how it shows a fair and balanced view of the time and people and has heart and honor

the rebels have real issues and ain't just b--ching and the cops are not just bad guys drunk on power

no swearing or nude scenes or gorre or degenerates or communism and itt tells a clean tvpg story

it goes by at a good pace and isn't boring and doesn't drag

not much happens but it seemns like there is

Sorta like Alien 01

I liked this and its worth seeing

For Thunder Over The Plains 2 I want the guy who tried to seduce that guys wife to be out in indian territory and finds a colony of sasquatch that the indiuanns are going to team with to fight America. He gets strike team sent in to take out the sasquatch and fights the indians there in their bases too. Its also a 16 bit Run N Gun like Sunset Riders on Snnes, Segqa Genesis, TG16, Atari Jaguar aand GBA where you play as the guy, or one of his men and blast through several levels of woods, deserts, towns, mountains, caves, and the Sasquatch Dimension.

Mr Sardonicus Review

 Note; still gettijng used to the cr-ppy jkeaBORD. expect bad spelling

mr sardonicus

this is my review on mr sardonicus from 1961 (before the beatles ruined music aand America)

its directed by6 william castle whos always good

it stars Oskar Homolka and no one else i know

i never seaw this but heard reviews

its starts in the distant future year of 1880 in soviet london and a guy whines of the fog and smokes

oh its william castle and he tells about the movie and ghouls

ghouls are grave robbers who eat cropses

like ghouls and ghosts??

then credits to music

so this guy is a dr and treating a little blonde girl like every speilburg movie

this europpeany guy gives nurse a note for dr

so dr cures this blonde girl of cripleing or w/e and a guy talkes to him about using poison to cure people

he gets a needle that puts drugs into the blood and nurse gives him the note

its revaled the chick he was gay for married another guy cuz dr dont got much cash

so tyhen dr goes by train to some mountain place for helping his ex gfs husband mr sardonicus

he asks a local abiout mr s but the guy is freaked out by ther name

note guy comes over ina hrorse cart and he goes on and reads gfs letter about how ex gf needs him

he goers in the casstlevania and finds a chick with leeches on her face and takes em oof

shouldnt there be blood gushing out?

note gu sez she was just an experiment and she has no medical issue reason for leeches

he reunites with gf and they chat and later goes on and seez theres empty picture frames all over

couldnt he have spoons or something?

So he goes up and takkes a bath and leech chick comes up saying she needs him to protect her fromn their experiments

later he asks about a padlocked door and note guy sez onmly maSTER goes there

he listens to the door and hears a weird a55 slurpiing as a guy drinks from a bowl

so dr talks weith ex gf about stuff and she acts like nothings wwrong

then mr s comes in and his facew is likea maSK(and not The Mask wiuth ace ventura)

thery go to dinner he sez he already ate and his mask is f';d

then note guy goes to a room with leech girl tied up by her thunmbs and is gonna give her the leeches as she talked to dr

dr and mr s tallk about sshakespeare and mr s gets triggered by calling iago ghoulish as he knew a ghoul

meanwhile, note guy gets some chicks in the castle promising gold

mr s anbd note guy givers em wine and sez there a chick of each typoe like slentder and busty

mr s talks to 1 girtl but whenshe sez shged like him more w/o the mask, we cut away and she screams

did he b0ne her dead?

so later dr is in bed and remembering scenes from b4, shown as their headsfloating by him like house on hauinted hill

after he wakes upo he goes to the tyerlet and finds theres no mirrors anywhere

note guy sez theres none here and later mr s comes over to his womans room and sez hes gonna come out about his reasons to dr

he tells her to do w/e she can to make dr do something and puts her in a lock as a sample to show what he can do if she dont

later he shows dr a garden with poison plants from nightmare b4 christmas and dr asks about the weird cr-p going on

mr s sez his backstory where his 12st woman biut it and wait, its his mom, and his name wasn;'t always sardinocis

some europeany guys say there are ghouls and men who sink low something, my mom was asking if the flasdhback is him w/o the mask so i didnt hear

eueropeano sez he'd guard the mom against the ghouls

so his dad reveals to 1st wife i think, he bought a lottery ticket and 1st wife is kinda b--chy about it

then he biootes it and past mr s nails the coffif shut

mr s and 21st wife bicker over money and she wants to blow it all oover a vacation

later a guy comes by and sez dads ticket won the lotto

but he dont know where ther ticket is and searches

eventually he realises its in the coat that he was barried in

1str wife wants him to jack his grave like an archeologist and gets him to do it

mr s sez that night he became a ghoul grave robber (which would imply he eats him)

huh, guye rolfe was in ivanhoe and the 60s king of kngs

so he digs up the grave and seeing the rotted corpse f'd him up and he spazzes out and ruins

but goes back for the ticket and aafter jacking it, he comes home and we dont see him as his face is shadowed over

she lights a candle and hsi face is all f'd with a big a55 stretched gril over it

so he sez his face msuclers f'd out and he had to relearn how to talk and he thoguht he was cursed

but now he thinks its just shock and guilt

also his 1st wife iced herself and sez sardonicus is the latin word for a corpses face grinning from rot

also the slurping is for him eating soup and the leaches are for trying to find a cure

also he got rifd of mirrors as he hates his face

he tried all kindz of drs and now turns to dr to retrurn to his human forme

ex gf sez to dr if dr dont cure mr s, she'd get punished(like, SM??)

dr is gonna use heat and massage to treat ther f'd face and he puts a warm towel on his face for 30 secs

then runbs his face as we dont see his gross face during thius

is this where clayface  got it from in batman tas?

so hours later, dr sez he's done all he can and that the only treatments left are untested

mr s dont wanna rick the patients life but mr s dont care

after dr sez no, mr s takes him to the dungeon in the tortrure chamber with ex gf tied up in it

he reveals his current life dont like him and if he's not cured, he's gonna f up her face with note guy to look like him

so once she's f'd, she cant reject him

dr struggles against mr s but note guy bonks him out and when he wakes up, he;''s tied up

dr begs to not f ex gfs face but mr s sez he begged dr to fix him

note guy dont wanna chop up gfs face but mr s revelas he f'd out note guys eye when he went against him

so notey is gonna chop up her face but dr consents to tratingh mr s

later dr sends a papper email to ask for drugs abnd equipment aned the home  boys send it

So dr gets some dogs in and experiments on em (which would be seen as bad today as dogs are better thasn people to the evientos)

dr tells me s that the pioson hes testing kills by relqaxing muscles and he can use it to fix seizxed muscles

sppoiler; thats what botox does

so later dr talx to gf and its reveealed she was sdold to mr s so he could cover his debts and not to expose dad as anb embezeler

also dr found a dose that a dog survives but he wants more time to test b4  human use

mr s dont care and wabnts it now and takes em to thelocked room

gf goes in but e  cloeses it and its dark in there but she senses someonein there

can she sense ki?

a light turns on and she seez mr s'sd dads corpse and spwazzes out cold

mrr s and dr come in and ssez if dr doint use the treatment on him, he's gonna make her stay in that room all night

so whast?? its not like the corsde isd gonne b0ne her!

so dr is gonna use the needle on mr s (which is a new invention in the slavery days or w/e) andif he dies, then note guy will torture em dead

dr takes mr s to the ddad rooom, has him tied to a chauir and is gonna use the shock ofthe corpse aND THE DRUGS TO FIX HIM

THEY SHOW HIS GROSS FACE ANDHE GIVES HIM DDA NEEDLE AND THEY BLEAVE HIM IN THERE and turn off the lights

he s[pazzes out over it being dark and they go on asnd  hisface is human again

dr sez dont taslk as his face is relaxed and it might re f--k his face

he goers outr and opens the covered mirrorts and seez hes a real boy again

then mr s writes a letter that sez as a baron, he ends his marriege to gf

then a NOTE SAYING FOR DR TO NAME HIS FEE AND HE'D pay it

dr sez he owes him nothing and baros writes in the dust on a wall BEGONE

as dr is going, note guy comes over and sez mr s can't open his mouth

dr sez the drugs and sh-t was all just a show and he drugged the dogs to look dead and the whoile thing was in baron s's head

dr sez he knew the past techniquers didn't work and he knew the mind was therway to do it

kinda like how men can have phantom pregnancy's even though they dont got wombs

the brain can do powerful things

the mans strongest organ

but for some of uis, 2nd strongest (deviant grin)

then fran castle sez; has mr s been punished enuff?

and sez if the audience wants to see him punished more more not

he talks to the audience and ads up the votes and sez NO MERCY

the  we see mr s unable to open his mouth and note guy, still malcontent over his eye, comes in and sez he missed the dr and eats and drinks in front of him

mr s trys to stuff food in his sealed mouth but it dont work

mr s is bnummed over it.

the end

i voted mercy and hoped he's get some knda goiod ending

he did wrong, but he was desperate

its a well done film though and has good acting and writing and style

its bada55 but not gory and is mostly clewan and not purvurted

good clasic horror with the gimmick of trhe poicssible altermname ending

castle does it again

for mr sardonicus 2 i wanmt him to have become so desparate that he removed his jaw and as he starts top jaw biting the minion for his failure, the minion revals he did catch em and held back the info. after hearing he removed his jaw for no reason, he beats out the monion and has him tied up in his torture chamber for this and tortutres him the rest of the film with vivisection and feeding him the parts and skinning him and making him eat himself. also its an 8 bit nes, game boy, sega master system and game gear, tg16 and atari 7800 and lynx game where you play as mr sardonicus and torture him in various mini games where you gotta do the most damage.

Masters Of The Universe Review

Note: I spell manly!

Masters of the Universe

Thisw is my review on masters of the universe from,1987 (The year me and Tim Tebow and the fat chick from Degrassi Next Gen was born)

it stars dolph lundgren, frak langella from Brainscan, Chelsea Field from Commando, Billy Barty from Bride of Franbkenstein, Courteney Cox from Scream, 1-4, Meg Foster from Hercules and Xena, James Tolkan  frpom back to the future, and no one else ni'm aware of

its direcded by Gary Goddard who did Jurassic Park: The Ride  andf T2 3-D: Battle Across Time

its based on the He Man series and a lot of reviewers hated it, but 80s kids loved it

kindfa like the Digimon Movie or Transfrtomers movies

dolph didn't like being in this as he pl;ays a toy but frank loved being skeleton and did it cuz his son loved He manbb and went all out in here

i recall seeing a bit on tv at my grandma's place in the 90s but other tahn rfeviews online i hasnty seen this

i never really saw He Man as a 90s kid but watched the ep with the blind kid on youtube and thoguht it weas nice

Thanks to the Awesome President Reagan, he appointed a guy to the FCC who liked Deregulation and cutr thje red tape that kept kids shows from being made off toys

So He Man was the 1st kids show based on a toy and it blew minds

In soviet england they didn';t allow he man toys adds during the show

But 80s kids and 90s kids had the best shows, even if they were half hour toy things

I loved Beast Wars and Power Rangers and Spider Man The 9s show and Pokemon and Yugioh

Yet a lot of malcontent 80s kids wound up hated Mr Reagan over stuff the losers in the media said about him

He beat the soviets you dinks!!

Btw they were gonna make a sequel but after it got cancelled they used the script and props made for it to make the Jean Claude Van Damme movie Cyborg

This movie was rated PG but was 15 in soviet denmark and norway and 12+ in west germany and finland

Once in the 90s my babysitter said she named her Nidoran Male and Femal He Man and She Ra and I didn';ty  know who that wasx.

aparently the script was based on jack kirby comics and they tried to get jack in here to work on designs

and this film, along with super man 4, caused cannon films to f--k out

so it starts with credits and narrator sez castle grayskull is the centrer of trhe universe and has the power that can be used for good or evil to be

master of the universe

good art on castle greysukll

then epic music and credits in space

then eternia and skeletor nin his conan like base being fiulld in on stull by ebvil lyn

hes captured the sorceress and she sez he man is still aliveso he drains some ki from her or w/e

he sends a hologram to eternia that he's won and to bow tro him or die

then he man is there watching and takes ouyt skeletors robot troops

he even does the sword blocking lasers thing from the show

man at arms and teela meet him and they save this gnome thing whos an inventor

we dont get orko but we get this

he brings them to his hobbit hole and sez skeletor wantgs him as he made some super invention that he callls the cosm,ic key

it can open a gate to anywhere and skeletor has one of em from evbil lyn tricking him

he man wants to use it to free the sorceress but gnome sez if they do, skeletor will find em

then skelots trpoops come in and they escape to the caves under greyskull

so they sneak intio greyskull and the area looks good.

now it woiiuyld all be cg but it looks real and cool

they get to da sorceress and evil lyn and get robots copme in

btw, the bad guy having won and heroes fighting bCK WAS DONE IN THE TRANSFORMERS MOVIE

SO SKKERLETOR IS THERE AND will drain her ki until syhe bites it and evil lyn notioces the gnome aand a laser battle breaks out

gnome opens the gate and they escape in it with sorceress saying they have until moonrise to save her and escape into it

skelewton wnts to go after em even though he'sd pretty much won and if he keeps draining the sorceress they can't stop him

the he wariors show up on some planet and dont know where they are as gnome hit random buttons to get there and they cant find where the key went

thery come across a native of the planet; sa fat a55 cow

man at arms organizes em and they gotta find the key and save the sorveress b4 moonrrise (What IS that?!)

btw, them escaping a losing fight and going to another bplanet to regroup was used in dbgt when vegeta told his fam to do that when he fights the ultimate evil dragon

mean while, courtny chats with her co woerklers about moving away and not wanting to be with her bf

in a car she cchats with bf and he wants her to stay and man at arms and teela find her job, a chicken place

therry see a couple makjking out in a car and gnome jacks theriir chicken and eats it

teela and mat an aroims join in ad teela is disturbed that shes eating an annimal

at the graveyard, c c sez bye to her rents who bit it in a plane crash cuz she did something

totally not ripped off by jumanja

then they find the CosMc key and he thinmks itsa a synthesizer from Japan

on eternia, evoil lynn finds the cosmnc key was activated annd nexyt time, they can lock in on it

so bf ttrys it again later and evil lynn finds em and sends 4 guys,m including beast man, after he man ot bring him back alive

so bf goes opff and leaves cc alone and skletors men come in(holy cr-p! i spelled skeletor right! i was mashing buttomns! i rolled a 20)

they beat a GUY UP AND chase cc and she runs out and runs into he man and he comforts her

they hide and he gives her a laser gun and he goes out and takes oput robopt soldiers

cc takes a robot out and he man fights hairless guy with 1 eye (which is weird as in cyborg, a guy lost an eye)

after beating them, they run of and teela and man at arms coime in

meanwehile, bf takes the cocsim key to an electronix shop and it makes holocrams and firetrux go by

eceleinsix shop guy uses a police scanner to hear the school burned down and he man tells cc about the cocsim key and she sez her bf has it

bf goes to the school which i guess just lets tenens stray at night and hairless guy from back to the future is a cop there and grills him and tajkes him to look for cc

so the he warriors meet gnome whoi got a car and upgraded it with his tech somehow

evil lynn seems to be in love wothj skeletor and he has no interest in her

nowaydays they'd be b0ning

so the 4 guys sent came back and report thewy failed and skeleotr evaporates one of em

skleetor sends evil lynn with the remaining 3 and cop goes to cc's place and cc calls

he fakes it not being her and lets her know he still has the cosmic thing

cop dont buy it and f--ks with the cosmic key and figgers its not a synthesizer

on urth evil lynn an dfriends come on and she uses an item to see the past fight where he man fought the guys

cop presses the red button and it does the holograms and evil lynn detex it

the bf turns on the microwave and it jams the scanning and she blkows it

bf tells cvop he found it by the grave yard and cop takes the item and sez theres an apb for cc

bf is later cleaning up and beast man busts in and cateches him and evil lynn puts a mind control coller on him and he reveals whwere the thing is

is this some kinda sm movie?@

they leave in a flying tjhing to go after da cop and the he warriors arrive and find him

man at arms removes his collar and he freaks outr seeing them but cc sez they gotta find the thing

he tells em to go to da music store and at there, cop asks store guy if its soviet

he man and friends show up and co pulls a gun and teela knox the gun away and gnomer pyle sez evil lynns gfuys are comming

gnome sets the device and robots come in and the good guys laser blast em

teela tells bdf to notlet cop out and gives him a lazer and goes out to fight

cop wants bf to give him the gun and threatens him with jail and grapples with him

cc sees i think her mom and goes out to meet her ands sdez she dissappeared to do secrtet work and sez she needs the item

gnome firews the gun to make the cop bfg fight and cc jacks the itema dn brigns it to mom

mom turns out to be evil lkynbn and eacapes with it and the baddz retreat

the he warriors escape and cop gets the store shotgun and his car blows like in the 2014 robopcop movie but he';s not harmed

evil lynn opens the gate and skeloter coomes throught with robnotess on hoobgoblin gliders like in spooider man

skewlotr sends him gliders to find he man and he man and crew fight em off with lazers

he man gets a glider and gets back the device from evil lynn

skeletor catches the he wearriors and when he man swpoops in, skel;etor zaps at him with purple lighteneing

cc gets her leg cooked and he man fiughts the robots with a sword

skeletor has he mans friends hostage and wants he man to be his slave(is this where riki-oh got it?) and he consents

so he man is caught nand they let the friends go sand go back to eternia and the item is f'd so they cant get back

also cc is poisdioned by the lightening attack somehow and the music to get them back to eternia werte erased by skeleton

bf remembers the song needed to get em back and bf has doubts but they give him a prep talk andhe consentys

oh and only the sorceress can save cc

so on eternia, skeletor  brings he man in wearing less andthe sorceress ius decroded

skeletor gets he mans sword anmd puts it in a tthing and is gonna make he man kneel tohim berfore all of eternia

then 1 eye gives he man the whip, which prrobably gave a lot of kids fetishes

so bf gets a keyuboard for gnomeo to doio the thiung and cc tells bf she loves him

btw, the mentor mystic being decrodeds as the gpood guysgo on a quest was used by the power rangers movie

on etewreivcA skeletor gets the power and wants he man to kneel like in mulkan but not as bad

then skeletonr digivolves into a godlky golden forme but noit totally gay like freeza in db super and has lazer eyes blasasting he man

on urth tthe good guys get the itemn working and telepport to eterniaandd cop is with em

a laser fight breaks out and he man breaks out by geting sleletors ligfhtening aTTACK TO BUST HIS CHAIUNS

ewliv luynn retrerats and gets the sowrd back and fights skeletor and its got cool light effects that if animated in the 80s woul;d look like devilman or inhumanoids

he man beats skeleotr and his goolfden form turnmms off but they keep fighting like in dbz resurrection f and he man drops skllekton in a pit

so the csorceress undecrodes and cop is gonna stay on eternia with some blonde chick

sorceress gives cc an item and cc sez bye to everyone like its the wizard oif oz and gnomeingus sends cc and bf back

so cc wakes up in her bedroom and her rens are alive like f--king jumanji

she tells her rents not to go on the plane thing and meets bf who also remembers their adventure

then we see he man in front of castle greyskull saying he has the power and credits roll to epic music

adr mixer bob baron, like robert v barron from robotech?!

then after the credits skleetor comes out of the water and sez; i';ll be back

the end

that was fun

good 80s pg adventure and cheese and action

great music and good effects that would all be cg now

the gnome would be cg nowadays and all the backgrouinds would be greenscreened

i liked it and its a nice way of dopoing he man

btw, as they got sent back in time, doesn';t that mean cop in that timeline never went top eternia and he's still on eartyh but nalso eretnia?

its got good feels and its enjoyable

yeah its a cheesy 80s film, but it works

and only dolph lundgren coould do he man as hes th biggest bufdfest blonde

besides hulk hogan but he's got the moustache

this movie is cool and if you grew up from the late 80s or early 90s, this film is a good throwback

i never got into he man and still liked it

imagine if they made a thuindercats movie in the 80s?

for masters of the universe 2, i want it to be about a trime problem caused by them sending the couple back in time and causing a split time line like in ecco the dolphin. this needs he man and friends to find this magic jewel to fix the time lline and prevent the 2 timelines from destroying each other. also he has to go through the time dimension and fight time warriors, which are historical based things like pirates and samurai and he has too fight through several time zones to get the time jewels pieces to fix things as time comes apart. also its a 16 bity action game like pirates of dark water on sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar and gba where you play as he man and fight various time things.

Once Bitten Review

 note; i spell bad but at least its not like jim carry

ocne bitten

this is my review for once bitten from 1985(the year  lisa hayes from robotech was born)

its got jim carry from the sonic movie and Cleavon Little from blazinbg saddles and no one else i know of

its direclted by bHoward Storm whio did eps of jjonie loives chachi and alf

its got bad ratings accordingh to wikeipedeioa but i saw it ocne and thought it was ok

ooh, its fullscreen. no black bars

so it starts with credits and title of clevon little walking aroundwalkin g aout this house and bringing a tray to thisd coffin wihtr a chjick in it

she drinks da blood or wine or w/e and she wants nvirgin blood which is rare in the 80s

thats why we had aids

she needs male virgin blood 3x b4 halloween

virgin fluids needing to be drank by a lusty chick? what is this? la blue girl??

so then some of her minions coime in and say the closest they found of virgins is an 11 year old and she finds it gross

later, jimmy is trying to get his gf to b0ne in a car and stuff keeps f iing it upp

she sez no as she wants her 1st b0ning to be special

later jimmy is talking with his homies and 1 sez if they dont b0ne em in 6 years, they wont

homies sey he otta go out and b0ne someone else (which is how aids spreads) and at night they go out to pick up chicks to 80s music

btwe this is soviet los angelas which as see in the crow city oif angels, should be a rotting slum of drugs and deviants

theres a lot of bleach blonde bimbos in los angelas, even though now its full of junkies pooping on the everywhere

they go to a club with p[hones at every tyabl and numbers on the lights on em and they try to pick up chix

1 homie gets accepted but the hick is really a corss dresser

after a few beers and no b00nin g, they other homie i mean jimmy gets called over and sees vampmire lady in attack move in a skimpy outfit

she offers him her champain which is a big red flag as its probably got drugs in it and she'll b0ne you when your oput

thery chat and jimym sez he's 21 (whiuch should count as under age as the human brain dont finish developing until the mid 20s) and she sez shes older than he thinks

COUGAR!!

so jimmy homies get hassled by a geezer who pulls a gun and everyone f's out excpet the couple in the phone booth making out

jimmy and vamp go out and she takes him in her limo and back to her place

she has a fridge full of jars of blood and gives himcham pain, then goes up to get changed

so clevon, whois super gay in here, acts like a mirror to give her beauty tips and make up

jimmy sees a painting of her and touchesx the b00b area and she comes down and they talk

jimmy is in college to be an electirc engeneer and she comes on to him

btw i' watching this on comet so its censored

so later cvlebon talks to the minions and tells em to make jimmy feel at home

aparently, these guys were her ex butt buddys who she bit

they go to their cooffin and 1 has a confederate flag on it which would be censored today as the commies are taking over

so jimmy is sleeping and she implys she drank his blood and jimmy s avirgin

jimmy wakes up and clenon sez he brought jimmys truck

jimmy dont recall the night and dreamed he was an orange juice thing

she implys she b0ned him and this is ike in degrassi how darcy thinks shje b0ned peter but peter dont recall it

jmmy sez hes got a gf but she sez shes often been the otehr woman(AIDS!!) AND jimmy goes off in his ice cream truck

at school they got a halloween dance comming and jimmy is getting into eating raw beef(which can kill you) and his homies say they got ody searched by the cops

he sexz he b0ned and dont recall it and his gf hears and is p-ssed

he trys to explain and isn't sure if he b0ned her and she's still p-ssed and gives back his ring

later jimmy is wearing shades and is dissecting a frog in a clas he's not in and when teach complains, he pputs the guts back in

later at home his dad coomes in and he';s sleeping in a box and sez he's worried of jimmy for being weird and pale

wtf, the confederate vampire is plauyed by Joseph Brutsman who is a proiducer on my 600lb life

so gf chats with her chums and jimmy comes in to talk with her

she sez hes not the guy she thoguht he was and he looks like jerry  lewis with his hair

he wants to be de niuro (who's worse) and they reconsile and she sez she wants to b0ne him but shes not ready

at va,mps place she sez shes tired and dont wanna go oot andnthey talk about the castlevania days how there were more virgins

isnt this like that movie countess dracula?

so later jimmy and his droogs go out and the droogs try to pick up chix at a laundry place

wait, its just the droogs

1 chick the dfroog hits on is into freeky SM so he backs off

the other friend is stuffed in a dsryer(whick could kill him)(remnember that sonic ep?!)

at  gfs job jim screws around and is silly

when jiimmy goes to the change room to try on a jacket, the vamp is in there and when he tells her to go, gf thinks he means her

she bites him anmd he blax  out andf gf finds him but he comes too

va,p walks out and gf dont notice and now vamp needs 1 more drink of jimmy

later jimmys mom is making meat and drains the blood into a glass and jimmy is going emo looking

jimmy accidentally drinks da blood and later, hisses at kids bugin jhim

he goes to a church and does confession and tells of him b0ning the vampo aNDD HIM GOING WEIRD

this isn't how confession works

later jimmy dreamms of this cr-ppy vampire thing in a white room and him feeding on gf

then its the halloween danceand everyone thinks hes a vampire even though hes not in costome

gf is jill from jack and jill (noit the adam sanbdler filmn) andd wanted jimmy to be cankl

so at the dance everyone dances like a bad 80s film

1 homie was gonna be ghandi but couldntr find glasses or a moustacvhe so hes  uyl brynner

nowadays theyd call that raciszt

so at dda dance vamp shows up and trys to dance seducce jimmy aand chick juimmy and vampo kinda dance battle

gf takes off more of her costrumne as the fight goes on and dance fights vamp and windfs up kissing jimmy and vampo slinks off as jimmy sand gf dance

after da dance, jimmy wins best costume as a va,mpire

latter he hugs gf and he noticces hes not got a refelcion

but it comes back and he suddenly reaLIZES SHES A VAMP AAND HES TURNBING

SO chick goees to the  library and talks to a guy about vammpires and he sez they need virgins

he sez they bite inner thigh as its close to da crotch and vam,ps get youth from it

gf chats with droogs and sez jimmy might havce a disease and needs them to check his inner thighsd

in the locker room they try to check and the schjool thinks they turned queer

nowwaDAYS, THAT JOKE WIULD OFFEND SOME HUMORLEZXS COMMIE

LATERT jimmy sez to em tthey could';ve just asked and they worry they are turning queer (what isds this? truer blood?!)

so jimmy and friends go to da vamps place and break in and find gf bound and gagged in a chaiir

SHE SSEZ JIMMY IS STOIIOLL A VIRGIN AND they untie her

then hrer minions come in and catch em

they strap jimmy in  thing and are gonna have vask,po drink him

after very slowly gfoing to bite him, gf gets loose and pulkls a Cross to scare off vamp

but va,p was just kidding, but is afraid of fire so they hold her off with torches

she uses her mind conmtrol thing annd trys to sedce him but gf sez jimmy likes her for being p[ure and nice

the homies hold off the vamps and evewntually just blow out the torch and jimmy and gf run

good 80s music

so jimmy and gf run through the plsace as vamps come  out eveywhere anddroggs hit on vampire 5anks

jimmy and gf go down a slide like in the simpsons and vampire 5kanks undress and  are gonna do struff with the droogs

jimmy and gf wind up in a roo and seal themselfs in and when va,mmp and her minions come in they find a coffin rocking

jim carry just b0ned his gf and now its midknight and vamp decrodes into as geezer

this is a lot like thast movie the hunger

sio clevbon sez he'd take care of her and jimmy goes back to b0ning his gf as the credits rooll to 80sa muisc

griip; brad wood. is this a p0rn0?

wtf theres a song called angel 07. like the yugioh card??

the end

that was pretty 80s

entertaining, mild, silly, fun

not aas over the top as jimmys 90s films but this was a decent one

good music and filming

its got that 80s feel wiithout going over the top 80s

glad i saw it

for once bitten 2 i wwant it to be the 200s and she awakens from a  20 year rest and finds cuzx of the internet, everyones a virgin and goees after a bunch of betas males who like xbox and magic the gatherinbg. allso its an 8 bit dating sim on nes, sega master system, game boy, game gear, atari lynbx and 7800 and tg16 where you play as the vam,po and date these dinks and try to find ther rightr time to drain them.

Red Sun Review

 Note: I spell Japaneseier

Red Sun

This is my review on Red Sun from the disatant future year of 1971 (The year my cool 90s aunt was born)

Its got charlkes Bronson, Toshiro Mifune, Ursula Andress and no one else i know.

Its directal by Terence Young who did a buncha james bond cr-p

i never saw this but heard its good

after credits top bronson riding his horse to a traine station andchasing dda  hoprse away, we  get text saying by 1860, japan opened up top da world AND 10 years later the ambassatpor is fd by stuff

so at da ttrain station a samurai comes out anmd he and buronson look at each other

is this whhy we gotr Gagaga Samurai and Zexal?

on da train a bounty hunter holds bron at gunpoint but a homie puulls a gun on hunter and makes him jump outta moving traine

in da train deck,. bron lights a mnatch witn his thumb and lights a guys cigaR

then bron holds up da train cart and when a guy is gonna stop him, homie caps  him asnd the shot goes through him and another guy

da TRAIN STPOs FOR SSHEEP ON THE TRACVK (WHICH IT SHOUL;D JUSTY PLOW THROUGH EM) ANDwasteland warriors attack the train with duy no mite

so the soldiiers got iced and the train ges on, then stops and brtonsons guys blow a cart wiithg dy no mite and loot it

they then go to the japoanese cart and the ambassator sez not to f with him as da gov proiimised him protection

bron and homie go in and see samurai and are gonna loot the place and if anyoine trys to stop em, ambassator gets it

they give him the cash and bron leaves but homie jacks a gold katana gift for the prez

1 samurai trys to stop him but homie caps him

then homie blows the train and he and the raiders are goiong but samurai aks homie his name so he can take him out

homie leaves and sez his name and the japanes ebery the capped samurai

bronson survived the tarain blowing and ambassator wants samurai and bronson to catch homie

in 7 days ambassaator is comming back and if samurai dont got the item back, he's gonna seppuku

and if bron dont go with him, samurai will waste him

so they go off and after a failed attempt to escape by bron, they go on and bronson insults samurai

samurai reveals he know english and oh yeah, the other samurai who got it was like a broither to this guy

just like moon shadow and sun shadow in ytugioh arc v (more like HIV)

meanwhile, homie caPS HIS MEN AS NO SURVIVORS MEANS NO WITNESSES

samurai and bron camp for the night and bron wants to have samurai keep homie alive for a day so he can interrogate him

samurai sez no and he slept while walking so bron cant escape at night

also if bron leads samurai around for a week, samurai will cutr him down

after samuirai shares japanese food with him, bron trys to get his boots back as samurai took em but samurai catches him and bron fakes being after mostiques

samurai easily takes the 1 mosutiswe out

what is he? a ninja?

is tthat where the karate kid got it from?

dA NEXTE DAYYE THEYE GOE ON and bron shoves samurai off a cliff anbd wwalks on

samurai comes back and bron trys to spear him with a STICK

SAM,URAI CUTS IT DOWN BIT BNY BIT WITH HIS KAtana and bron sez he can take him w/o the item

samurai throws down his katanA And bron trys fighting him but gets thrown around

samurai beats him down and burns off half of bronsons face with a ki blast

jk

really they go on through the hokuto no ken wastelands and find a ranche with horses

they go in and see a chick being tormented by some wastelanbd guys

i think thisa is where vuiolenvce jack got it

the raiders cap a guy and 1 mexico guy goes in da barn the heroes were in and samurai cuts him down

bronson caps some guys and seemss to be about to cap samurai but dont

bron givees samurai a horse annd tells how to use it but samurai isds pro at it

they leave and samurai gives the farkm chix gold and bron wants samurai to either gpo his own way, or if he comes, to let homie live long enuff to get da info on da gold

bron spooks da horse and runs and hides as samurai eventyually gets control of da hotrse and ghoos on

later samurai is going through water and bron sneak attaX him and trys drowning him to get him to aGREE TO SPARE HOMIE

then brings him out and ssamurai tells of his family legacy of 400 yyears of samurtai

then goes on about japan changing and samurai times are ending so this is his last chance

later bron finds bodies of homies men and goes to this town to wait for homie as theres a chick there he lines

they go to a wh=re house and bron catches this frenchie and makes out with her after she nearly caps samurai

1 mexico comes out and sez bron is said to ahve been iced in a bada55 fight and bron tells mexico top not tell anyone or samurai takes off his ears

bron goes up adn sees ursula andrerss and shes the one homie is goonna see

bron offers to split the treausre with her and when she dont wanna he locks her in da room and nails the windows shut

samurai is running outta time and they drink together and bron wants samurai to b0ne some chickj

he goes up with the mexicano chick and bron wants tyo peek on him

but samurai is being bathed in a half barrel and when bron comes in, samurai throws kunai at him to make him stop

ther next day, charles bronson has b0ned this frenchie and i think samurai b0ned the mexico and homies men stop by

bronson wants to bring urusala and when a guy comes for her, she yells brons here, so bnron and samurai waste em

1 guy survives and bron takes him captive and sends hiom out to tell homie to bring the gold and the sword in exchange for the usrusa

bron, samurai and usurala go of and she swears at them and they go up to eht snow capped mountains

up there bron tells urusla she's a wh=re and offers her gold to get her dream

samurai takes a bath in his samurai undies but bronson takes his clothes and makes him promise to let him have homie alive for a day

evantually samurai agrees and they go on in the snow

btw, mifune has bigger eyes than bronson

so in the homies stone lair the cputred guy comes over ands tells homie and homie almost caps hium but dont

btw homies name is cgauche like nistro in yugioh zexal

and his goons ride out and bron and friends find a town raided by commanchis

later urusla trys seducing bron and when she starts taking off his clothes, gets his gun

but its empty and he slugs her out

bada55

so the girl gets away but bron and samurai go after her but the commachi get her

1 hassles her and she shanks him with his own knife and they tie her up with wet rawhide to choake her as it drys and watch

eventually, samuirai and bron come in and waste the comanchi and bron shoots off the rawhire

she's gonna ahve trouble swallowing for a bit

ooh, Tetsu Nakamura playedf the ambassator was in the H man and Mothra

so they go on and 1 comachi escaped and lurks around watching

so they go to homies base and no ones there and eventually, homie is on the roof and has em at gunpoint

so instead of capping em, homie just talks and takesd their weapons

she sez they saved her from commaches and he's gonna ice em

but then the comanchis attack and in the chaos the homie, broin and samurai team up and fight em

samurai gets back the item and evantually the comachis retrueat for now

they escape in the tall grass as more comanchi come and evantually they fight

the comanchi set fire to the grass to burn em out and samurai cuts away the crass around em to keep em from burning

more comanchis attack and evryone fights, no one quits, even urusla

samurai cuts down more conamchi and evantually has a duel wioth 1 using a spear

homie gets his shooting arm capped and the comannchis are dead

samurai is gonna cut down homie but hhesitates for his oath and when bron sez kill him, homie caps him

homie is cocky and dont think bron will cap him as he'd not get the treasure

bronson epmtys a shotgun into homie and vows to deliover the sword

then samurai bites it and goes to jigoku and bron puts hoim ion the field for archeologists to discover and be confused by

urusala offers to join bron in finding da gold but he sez no and goes off to deliver the gold katana

btw rush hour totally didn't rip this off as its an asian warrior and smart a55 american working together

so he leaves the gold katana on the wires above the ttrain station as the ambassators traIN  comes in

the end

that was prtretty good

good buddy movie with 2 different guys teaming up

1 stytraight arrow 1 by his own rules

good acting, fights, action, story and style

if this were anime we'd see the samuraI SLICING GUYS IN HALF likew ShutenDoji

I liked it

it holds up and works well

For Red Sun 2 I want Bronson's kid and the Samurai's kid to team up in the Russian Japanese War of 1905 and Bronsons kid is a mercenary and Samurai's kid is a samurai agent and they gotta get back a Japanese treasure from the Pre Soviet Russians who wanna use it to bring down the Czar and rule the continent as demongods. Also its a 2 player beat em up on Sega Genesis, Snes, Tg16, Atari Jaguar and GBA where you play as either the Samurai Jr or Bronson Jr and chhop your way through guys in a weird slavic winter area aand the boss is the commie leader who uses the item to digivolve into a big abomination.