Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Once Bitten Review

 note; i spell bad but at least its not like jim carry

ocne bitten

this is my review for once bitten from 1985(the year  lisa hayes from robotech was born)

its got jim carry from the sonic movie and Cleavon Little from blazinbg saddles and no one else i know of

its direclted by bHoward Storm whio did eps of jjonie loives chachi and alf

its got bad ratings accordingh to wikeipedeioa but i saw it ocne and thought it was ok

ooh, its fullscreen. no black bars

so it starts with credits and title of clevon little walking aroundwalkin g aout this house and bringing a tray to thisd coffin wihtr a chjick in it

she drinks da blood or wine or w/e and she wants nvirgin blood which is rare in the 80s

thats why we had aids

she needs male virgin blood 3x b4 halloween

virgin fluids needing to be drank by a lusty chick? what is this? la blue girl??

so then some of her minions coime in and say the closest they found of virgins is an 11 year old and she finds it gross

later, jimmy is trying to get his gf to b0ne in a car and stuff keeps f iing it upp

she sez no as she wants her 1st b0ning to be special

later jimmy is talking with his homies and 1 sez if they dont b0ne em in 6 years, they wont

homies sey he otta go out and b0ne someone else (which is how aids spreads) and at night they go out to pick up chicks to 80s music

btwe this is soviet los angelas which as see in the crow city oif angels, should be a rotting slum of drugs and deviants

theres a lot of bleach blonde bimbos in los angelas, even though now its full of junkies pooping on the everywhere

they go to a club with p[hones at every tyabl and numbers on the lights on em and they try to pick up chix

1 homie gets accepted but the hick is really a corss dresser

after a few beers and no b00nin g, they other homie i mean jimmy gets called over and sees vampmire lady in attack move in a skimpy outfit

she offers him her champain which is a big red flag as its probably got drugs in it and she'll b0ne you when your oput

thery chat and jimym sez he's 21 (whiuch should count as under age as the human brain dont finish developing until the mid 20s) and she sez shes older than he thinks


so jimmy homies get hassled by a geezer who pulls a gun and everyone f's out excpet the couple in the phone booth making out

jimmy and vamp go out and she takes him in her limo and back to her place

she has a fridge full of jars of blood and gives himcham pain, then goes up to get changed

so clevon, whois super gay in here, acts like a mirror to give her beauty tips and make up

jimmy sees a painting of her and touchesx the b00b area and she comes down and they talk

jimmy is in college to be an electirc engeneer and she comes on to him

btw i' watching this on comet so its censored

so later cvlebon talks to the minions and tells em to make jimmy feel at home

aparently, these guys were her ex butt buddys who she bit

they go to their cooffin and 1 has a confederate flag on it which would be censored today as the commies are taking over

so jimmy is sleeping and she implys she drank his blood and jimmy s avirgin

jimmy wakes up and clenon sez he brought jimmys truck

jimmy dont recall the night and dreamed he was an orange juice thing

she implys she b0ned him and this is ike in degrassi how darcy thinks shje b0ned peter but peter dont recall it

jmmy sez hes got a gf but she sez shes often been the otehr woman(AIDS!!) AND jimmy goes off in his ice cream truck

at school they got a halloween dance comming and jimmy is getting into eating raw beef(which can kill you) and his homies say they got ody searched by the cops

he sexz he b0ned and dont recall it and his gf hears and is p-ssed

he trys to explain and isn't sure if he b0ned her and she's still p-ssed and gives back his ring

later jimmy is wearing shades and is dissecting a frog in a clas he's not in and when teach complains, he pputs the guts back in

later at home his dad coomes in and he';s sleeping in a box and sez he's worried of jimmy for being weird and pale

wtf, the confederate vampire is plauyed by Joseph Brutsman who is a proiducer on my 600lb life

so gf chats with her chums and jimmy comes in to talk with her

she sez hes not the guy she thoguht he was and he looks like jerry  lewis with his hair

he wants to be de niuro (who's worse) and they reconsile and she sez she wants to b0ne him but shes not ready

at va,mps place she sez shes tired and dont wanna go oot andnthey talk about the castlevania days how there were more virgins

isnt this like that movie countess dracula?

so later jimmy and his droogs go out and the droogs try to pick up chix at a laundry place

wait, its just the droogs

1 chick the dfroog hits on is into freeky SM so he backs off

the other friend is stuffed in a dsryer(whick could kill him)(remnember that sonic ep?!)

at  gfs job jim screws around and is silly

when jiimmy goes to the change room to try on a jacket, the vamp is in there and when he tells her to go, gf thinks he means her

she bites him anmd he blax  out andf gf finds him but he comes too

va,p walks out and gf dont notice and now vamp needs 1 more drink of jimmy

later jimmys mom is making meat and drains the blood into a glass and jimmy is going emo looking

jimmy accidentally drinks da blood and later, hisses at kids bugin jhim

he goes to a church and does confession and tells of him b0ning the vampo aNDD HIM GOING WEIRD

this isn't how confession works

later jimmy dreamms of this cr-ppy vampire thing in a white room and him feeding on gf

then its the halloween danceand everyone thinks hes a vampire even though hes not in costome

gf is jill from jack and jill (noit the adam sanbdler filmn) andd wanted jimmy to be cankl

so at the dance everyone dances like a bad 80s film

1 homie was gonna be ghandi but couldntr find glasses or a moustacvhe so hes  uyl brynner

nowadays theyd call that raciszt

so at dda dance vamp shows up and trys to dance seducce jimmy aand chick juimmy and vampo kinda dance battle

gf takes off more of her costrumne as the fight goes on and dance fights vamp and windfs up kissing jimmy and vampo slinks off as jimmy sand gf dance

after da dance, jimmy wins best costume as a va,mpire

latter he hugs gf and he noticces hes not got a refelcion

but it comes back and he suddenly reaLIZES SHES A VAMP AAND HES TURNBING

SO chick goees to the  library and talks to a guy about vammpires and he sez they need virgins

he sez they bite inner thigh as its close to da crotch and vam,ps get youth from it

gf chats with droogs and sez jimmy might havce a disease and needs them to check his inner thighsd

in the locker room they try to check and the schjool thinks they turned queer


LATERT jimmy sez to em tthey could';ve just asked and they worry they are turning queer (what isds this? truer blood?!)

so jimmy and friends go to da vamps place and break in and find gf bound and gagged in a chaiir


then hrer minions come in and catch em

they strap jimmy in  thing and are gonna have vask,po drink him

after very slowly gfoing to bite him, gf gets loose and pulkls a Cross to scare off vamp

but va,p was just kidding, but is afraid of fire so they hold her off with torches

she uses her mind conmtrol thing annd trys to sedce him but gf sez jimmy likes her for being p[ure and nice

the homies hold off the vamps and evewntually just blow out the torch and jimmy and gf run

good 80s music

so jimmy and gf run through the plsace as vamps come  out eveywhere anddroggs hit on vampire 5anks

jimmy and gf go down a slide like in the simpsons and vampire 5kanks undress and  are gonna do struff with the droogs

jimmy and gf wind up in a roo and seal themselfs in and when va,mmp and her minions come in they find a coffin rocking

jim carry just b0ned his gf and now its midknight and vamp decrodes into as geezer

this is a lot like thast movie the hunger

sio clevbon sez he'd take care of her and jimmy goes back to b0ning his gf as the credits rooll to 80sa muisc

griip; brad wood. is this a p0rn0?

wtf theres a song called angel 07. like the yugioh card??

the end

that was pretty 80s

entertaining, mild, silly, fun

not aas over the top as jimmys 90s films but this was a decent one

good music and filming

its got that 80s feel wiithout going over the top 80s

glad i saw it

for once bitten 2 i wwant it to be the 200s and she awakens from a  20 year rest and finds cuzx of the internet, everyones a virgin and goees after a bunch of betas males who like xbox and magic the gatherinbg. allso its an 8 bit dating sim on nes, sega master system, game boy, game gear, atari lynbx and 7800 and tg16 where you play as the vam,po and date these dinks and try to find ther rightr time to drain them.

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