Sunday, May 10, 2020

Varsity Blues Review

Note: my spelling s-cked but sports s-cked harder!
varsity blues
this is my revuew on varsiity blues from 1999 (The year the dreamcast and sdf-1 macross landed)
i never saw this but its on aand imma try it
its directaled by brian robbins who did good burger and norbit and hardball
its got james van der beek fro  dawsons creek, jon voight paul walker 4 he learned to drive, amy smart, ron (MOses) lester, ali larter from resiident evil, rickard linebacj from twister and a friday the 13st sequel, thomas f duffy from dearh wish 02 and the  kid from beethon 4 who's actor vanished years ago (probably like with j fk)
so it starts with narration wherew a guy sez america has laws but texas has its own laws which i assume to mean some kinda mad max thing
so footbatt is everything to them and their city is named after thse city in the bible wherre they ritual sacrificed kids(note; the mayans did that too)
so his kid bro is Religious and wears a cross on his back to play Savior and dad hates it as it interferes with footnball
so ddawsons fata55 friend comes by with a fata55 pig in his truck, theuir black friend in the back with it, and fata55 drinking his moonshine
i think they're red necks
so they pick up a few guys and 1 guy wants to b0ne butt and jokes (i hope its a joke0 about b0ning the pig
now squeeel like a pig!!
or to quote stepmother sin; imagine what she would think of the sight of her mother being f----ed in thr a55 like a pig?!
so they have a poop rally and this christopher walken looking dude vows to win
i expected more blondes in this texas thing
so theres only a few games left and dawdon wants to be over with foosball
also he makes out with a chick
in da lokker room they chat and 1 guy gets a needle in the knee for his cripple-itis
then theres the game and they hammer each other
you know, there aint many old football players
most bite it from brain damage
so after a play, fata55 bites it but gets back up for moreafter an obvious concussuon
his thinkin days are over
so walken is p-ssed at dawson for reading books instead of gettng brain damage and after the game thr black guy sez his knee's f'd
1 pther guy takes pills for his knee
then theres a teen party like in degrassi jr high where spike got pregnant with emma and fata55 chuggs booze as i guess hes not brain damaged enuff
after barfing in the washing machin and offering the barf to a couple making ou, he goes back for more
so later  theres prwxtice and 1 dink comes u with his  own play and walken grinds his a55 for it
later its a bbq and a dad dootvalls and it escalates to an argument about who's som is better
dad puts a beercan on his head for daWSON to nail off and dawson nails him in da face
those eyes are comming out!
later in school, da teacher trys to tewch the kids about b0ning and fata55 goes to the bathroom to j-rkk off
after coming back he blacks out and later in da nurses offce he tells walken nuurse sed not to play
walken gets him to play snyway and i guess thats the end of him
then its da game and fata55 isnt feeling so hot
imagine if his body ruptured abd his gutts spilled all over da floor?
so fata55 blacks out on fa fiend and w//o him to protech the hero, star player gets crippled
that legs comming off
so dawson comes in and kicks a55
affter a game they say star is crippled and he shouldn't havve been playing
coach walken and dad are only bummed when they hear he cant play
a game means more than health
and people bash yugioh for people neasrly getting crucified playing card games
so dawson takes this blonde home and she changes in the car in front of dawson to seduce him
what a butt sl-t
she was stars gf but is done witrh him now that his cripplege
dont trust her!
she's probably got AIDS!!
he drops her off and she tried to tempt him as he goes
so at da party da cips stop by andthis meathead jokes about the cops being b0ned and they scare him into going
he jack the cop car and drives off
later a cop sez the teen pressed his parts on the glass at a womans club
but coach walken gets da cops to let it slide
those teens need a beat down
my great gandma beat the black off my grandpa in the 20s
he made it to 94.5
these teens are gonna wind up full of holes
and not just in the a55
so dawson kicks a55 at a game and the 5kanks are into him now but he dont like it
on an interview wit a radio guy he acts tough and is actually gettiing into the fame and his gf dont like it
also cripple star (sounds like a handicapped kirby thing) hears the interview
then in practice they give fata55 da ball snd he f'd it up
coaxk walkin rides dawsons a55 for scrwing around
later blonde trys to seduce dawson and later hes in a store and buys c0nd0ms (using a kid to buy em) and goes to b0ne the blonde bimbo
at her place she wears a whipped cream bra and they smooch but he dont want her as he knows shes a wh0re and she gets b-chy about wanting a better life and getting out of new sodom by b0ning guys
they dont b0ne and later dawson talked toblack guy who is [-ssed that coach prefers whites and has been busting fata55es fat a55 over blaming him for getting star crippled
blonde kisses dawson as thanks and gf sees and class starts so he cant tell her
he tells her nothing happened with blonde ands she sez she got tar cripple with her whipped cream bikini
later its night more and the guys are in a biimbo bar and theres strppers and black guy dont drink but they want him to
fata55 goes up and takes off his shirt and hugs the chick whos gonna catch his fatness
oh cripple is there and thanks dawson for being the ONLY one to visit him
1 dancer is thheir teacher and a few guys wanna b0ne her
then its another game and the guys s-ck from drinking and thinking of their thicc teacher
imagine if one had a b0ner and in a hit, it snapped off!!
so after some slo mo plays to AC/DC thnderstruck theteam f'd out and coach chews their a555es for screwing up
fata55 crys and coach eats into him about costing the star player and sends him out
fata55 trips and falls and coach starts b0ning his fat a55 while making pig sounds and taking bites outta him as he screams
afterwards, dad rides dawsons a55 over drinking all night and blowing his football chances and dawson sez he dont want it
then dawson fgpes to see fata55 who's shooting his football trophoees and is malcontent over his whole life being a cr-ppy a55 game of head busting
dawson gets him to come back for the final game
fata55 can't take it and puts the shotgun in his mouth and blows the top og his head off and starts spazing out and sh-tting himself
so at home the kid bro starred a cult and dad sends the kids out b4 they get ritual sacrificed
dawson gets into a university with a full a55 scholarship and dad isnt pleased
fata55 gets a brain scan and hes not damaged and he asks the str-pper teacher to prom who wants them to keep the sceret
imagine if fata55 black males her to b0ning him to keep the secret and she devolves into a fat greasy slob like him from his dna infecting her?
at practive coach awlikin sez he can f up dawsons chances for a college if dawson dont play
imagine if he used this to blackmale dawson into letting him b0ne him and dawson devilved into a sourpuss who's always eating babies
so at night he sees gf and tells her and is all b--chy about how its not pure football anymore and he dont know if he can play or not
also if he wins, coach gets the record of best coach and keeps coaching and might coach his nutty brother
gf tells him to suck it up candya55 and be a man
after a prayer, coach sez this is the only thing that matters and all their pasts efforts are sh-t
we got 30 mins of this movie left with a55 i mean adds
that went by quick
so they football fight to late 90s music
dawson channges the play and blac gut gets a goal
after doing well, black guy gets crippled afyer his leg f's out and coach tells dr to make him accept treatment to strap it together
after a time out, they see dr and coach injecting black guy and team tell him not to do it so black guy wont be crippled
dawson quits the team, fata55 stands up to coach anf team quits
coach tries to strangle dawson and team saves him and coach tres to reclaim his power over em
it dont succeed and he walks out to seppuku
dawson gives a speech saying the rest of their lives DO matter and they go back and play
so they have 1 shot left to win and 38 secs and fata55 has to save em
he does and they got a chance now
they have 1 last play and fata55 saves it andruns wth several guys on him
so the main  guys team wins at da last second and main guy kisses gf
main guy dawson sez coach never coached again and he quit foosball went to college and cripple bacame a coack
the end
that wasnt so bad
people say it s-cked but i thought it was a decent teen moie
good 90s music and editing and such
its kinda dumb but thats kind of the point to makke dason look smarter y lowering everyone elses brains
its got good flow and dont drag and is enjoyablee
i liked it and thought its entertaining
its not trying to9 e Ben Hur, but a fun teen movie
holy cr-p saffron henderson from dbz did a song for this
i never knew she was a singer
for varsity blooz 2 i want it to be about coach going around dealing with the shame of being overcome by his team and gets into drugs and vice. then he can't take ot and blows his head offf and is given a chance to get revenge by fusing with a daemon and taking out the kids who drove him to it. and he hunts e down one by one and skins em slive and wipes his a55 with it, b4 putting it back. also its an 8 bit master system, game gear, game boy, nes, tg16, atari lynx and 7800 game where you play as coach annd go through leevels to get the kids and take em out. but the kids are stronger now and have guns so you gotta take emm on.

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