Saturday, May 2, 2020

Charlottes Web Review

note; i lioke s[iders but still womt spell right
charrlottes wen
this is my review opn charlottes web fropm 2006
its got dalota fanning, beau bridges jogn cleese, tomas hayden cbhuech, cedrick the entertainerkathy bates, reba mackentire and robert redford
its directed by Gary Winick who did 13 goping ion 30 and is based on a book i may have read in grade school
i saw the 20th cebture animatec one in da 90s but notr diss
so it starts with a narratotr saying how nothing important happened until now ciz of a lottlw girl
farmer is gonna wack a runty pig but his daughter throws a spazz over it and dad relents and lets her raise it
plus the moms pig has 10 t-ts but 11 piglets
btw, you'd think a farm girl would be ok witrh chopping up pigs
so girl takes pig to school and hides it in da desk but it makes sounds and teacher sez its not a toy or baby
so later it ggrows and dad sez irs gonna get to 300lbs and he's gonna sell it laterb as he needs da space in da barn
so ahe puts it in da barn ans narrator sezits gonna make something big happen
i heard thatt in some parts of erth, theyy have an outhouse that dumps it into the pig trough.
so you poop, the pigs eat it, it becomes pig, you eat pig, dump it back to the pigs, and the cycle continues
you know, pigs eat people
sometimes a guy's working on a farm, then he vanishes. he didn't run away. he's closer than you thik. here. have some ham!
plus they can get tto like 600+lbs
thats like those babes i mean blobs pn my 600lb life
plus they are smart and tough
pigs are smarter than dogs
but dogs are dumba55es
sp pig headbutts down tthe fence and gets out abnd they j fk it out from the grassy gnoll
jk really it sees a shed and returns to the pen to eat cr-p
so later its raining and girl goes to school  and pig plays in da mud
the other animals make comments on pig and are kinda b--chhy
also theres a rat who's big on eating trash and kinda into his own cr-p
so later he meets a spider and tthe horse is a candy aa55 cuz he fears it
btw this is like the only book where the spider is the good guy
so shes charlotte who imma carr char like  in gundam and she reveals she eats flies that  pig finds bad
she expplains its for the greater good and
huh, julia robers (the sister or w/e or eric roberts from the human centipede 3 and A Talking Cat?!?!) is da spider and steve buscimei is the rat
so rat and other animals think char is gross cuz they're racist aggainst spiders and pig sees chars goodnress
once in my ggrandpas farm in 196x or w.e; this cat was by the ppig peg, and the pig ate half the cats tail.
they called him half tail, which sounds like a mad max furry name
so pig and char ecomme good friends and later farmer shaves the sheep nd the gooses poop out eggs tthat hatch into geeselings
1 egg don't hatch and rat wants it as i guess he has a stiink fetish
later, girls brother trys to catch the spider and pig fights him
in the battle, dead egg breaks and the stink drives out the kid
imagine if in dbgt trunks had a stink fetish and tried to make pan stink? P; u want me to what?! T: its just eating garbage! u do it all the time! P; yeah but this is old garbage! it'll make me stink! T: that's what i want!! P; nooo! i dont wanna stink! T:u'll love it! being full of foul sharp odors is really sexy! P; i dont care! i'm not doing it! T: u dont have a choice pan. imma make u my personal STINKBAG! P; NOOO! dont make me stink! i wana stay fresh! T: open wide! time to eat stinkbag! P;aghhbt!!
so later rat reveals thatt at xmas people eeat pigs
spoiler; my dad grew  up on a farm and they were poor eastern european immigrant farmers in soviet canada
when they chopped up da pigss, they uused every part
escapt the skin, which my grandma boiled and fed to the other pigs
and the genitels, which they gave to the cats(cuz cats are kinda gay)
dogs have many names like spike or killer or rex
cats have sissy names like mittens, or snowballl, or cudddlebum
what abbout snagglepuss?
i don't consent to that
so char sez she'ss gonna save him
so later girl sez animals can ttalk and i think of tgose autistic chicks who communicate with animalls but can hardly tallk
so char makes a web and da next day everyone sees she wrote in it S O M E P I G\
how did shee learn how to write?!
so they see the Priest and show him iit and he ssez keep it quuiet until he does a sermon
but word spreads like aids and everyone comes to see it
but after a whilww,, people get tired of it and da animals have a meeting where char sezshe needs da right word to write to make farmer not eat pig
turn him kosher. that'll save it
so they need a true woord to fit da pig to fit and she writes terriffic in da web
people come to see it and dad farmer sez itts a  miracle that spiders can even spin webs
soo rat don't care for da pig but when char sez no pig means no slop, he agrees to do soome mission for them at da dump
pig giives him a carrot and iis nice to the little p o s
later i think girl sold da pig but found out people buy pigs to make into bacoon and she gets disgruntkled
but in class she finds out about da fair
so rat goes out to find words and some crows attack him but he lucks out of it and escapes
he bringgs backk da woord radient and char does it in da web
at night, girl sprreads flyers of da fair
people love radient and farmer is gonnaa  put pig in da fair
then pig does a backkflip cuz thats totally possible
although this has spiders writing and animals talking to each other
so pig wants char to go with him to da fair but she's pregnant
who b0ned her?
she chooses to go to da ffaiir and needs rat  to find  her a good word to win pig the bluue ribbon
bbit he dont wanna until he hears theres a lot of garbage to eat at da fair
so att da fairchar chexda other pig and talx to it and hes kinda ret-rded
so after a day of getting in the food, rat is at night in the carvinal night zone and da crows coome for him
affter they f'd out he briings a newspaper to char and overnight she writes  humble on her web
but the fatter pig won the blue ribbon and everyone gets bummed
one wayy out (Puts 45 magmnum in mouth)
then all these fair people snoticce it and come to see da web
so faiirhead gives  pig a  medal  over a spider writing words about it
the pig didnt do anything!
he just had someone talj about him!
so fairmaster givesa speech and trys tio be meaningfful and everyone cheers as charlotte poops oity her eggs into a sack
so girk gets into a guy and rides the ferris wheel
charlotte sez shes biting it and her kids wont leave da fair
pig gets bummed and she's done so much for him for him
like the giving tree or i love you forever
pig gets rat to get da eggs after rat goes on a b--chy tirade and pig promices him dibs on his slop for life
sppoilerrats live only like 2 years and pigs live for... how long do pigs live???
although tarantula's cann like over 30 years
and dogs are like 15
so char sez bye and its touchingg and pig is driven off
gotta say, this movie had chutzpa to follow the book and have the title character bite it
unline all those disney films where only the bad guy bites it
hay, this film dont got a bad guy!
i only noticced this now!
so pig goes hime and narrator sez people were  kinder and  lighter after that
so pig sees the snow and isnt chopped  into blood sausageand its got dat danny elfmann music like edward scissorhands
then its spirng and da spidr eggs hatch and they fly off on strands of web on the wind
pig doesnt get da chance too tell em about their  mom even though spiders domnt care about that
although theres 1 kinda spider that carrys its egg sack around and when iit hatches, it lets her kids eat her alive!!
norman bates  meets hannibal
but 3 spiders stay and he names em and tells em of their mom
rat sez to write some rat abd hes a fata55 now for all tghose furrys to llike
narrator sez its good now cuzz of friendship and seeing the good in things
then crediys to the song another ordinary miricale today and images of nature
the end
that was really nice
positive, soft, warm, light, clean, heartfelt
it gives good feels and has good value
its nice and have worth and isnt dumb or doofy and tells a good story that maakkes you feel love
i cried a bit att it
it makes you think about life and friendship and how we mmatter
I'm glad I finally saw this
it was worth watching
for charlottes web 2  i want it to be years later and the pig is fuly grown and is over 700lbs. his pig hormones make him malcontent and when this neightbor kid comes by and  kills one of the spiders, he tears the kid apart and eats him. evetuallly  after a few guys lookig for thee kid find out, he has to take em out to keep the secret and eat the evidence. eventually he's caught in the act and when they are gonna take him out, he  goes all oout and busts the ppeople apart and shrugs off gunshots witrh his catrtilage plates and thick muscle. eventually he emmptys the  humans offf da farm and rules it by eatting whoever comes in the area and teens in gangs use surviving him as an initiation. its also an 8 bit game on gameboy, nes, master system, game gear, tg16, atari 7800 and llynx and yo play as the pig and fight people and fight in top down and side view levels.

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