Vertical Limit Review

note; I hate heights. but do I hate this fim?

vertical limit

this is my review from vertical limit from 2000

its got val kilmer

wait

it don't

its chris odonnel

why'd I think it had val kilmer??

its directed by martin campbell who also did golden eye, mask of zorro, legend of zorro, casino royale, edge of darkness (I liked dat 1) and green lantern from 2011

so it starts with this arizona wasteland and a badkly animated bird flying

gamecube sonic games looked less f;d

chris, his sister and dad are climbing these high rock things and singing 20th century music

after dad telling them to be safe, some rookies fall from above and f em off

they hang by a robe but the wall stuff wont hold em and snaps 1 at a time

the green climbers fall and go to H E Double Ireland

sister trys to get em in da wall but cant

so dad has chris cut the rope to save him and his sister

holy h-ll this is almost comedic

its so standard and over the top

its like ace ventura with the raccoon or w/e

later chris is in the north and photographing snow leopards from in a metal box

hope they find a sasquatch

later him and his partner come down the mountain and partner falls, his leg goes in 2 rocks and busts

good f--k this is like a 3 stooges thing!

is this a comedy?

a chopper takes em back

wait, chris is the chopper pilot

I thought he was da camera homie

they go to base and these foreigners talk in some gaijin talk

they were there for 6 years and lost thousands

none to the Indians

as in india

not the America ones or sports team

they get cash from rich white people climbing this mountain and paying out da a55 for permits

see? u don't need to tax the 1%. just give them something worth their cash

so after delivering the cr-p to the base, he meets sister at another base

now, I think there are places man was not meant to go

like space

or miles under water

or this frozen h-llscape

so shes a great climber and going on a mountain climbing thing

oh I think this guy shes gay for is going with her

then we see this guy who looks like star wars episode 8 the last jedi luke skywalker who has no toes

reminds me of roots where toby gets his foot chopped for trying to escape

then her bf comes in and sees this guy named ed who's a super climber who did 12/14 earths best peaks w/o oxygen

bf is bill Paxton from aliens

so bf is climbing for a publicity stunt to promote his new airline

after he reaches da top a plane flies overhead

also is a girl whos French Canadian and this guy I don't recognize knows her frenchness makes her awful

oh and the guy is not named ed

at night bf gives a speech and toeless jedi luke asks who chooses who lives or not up there

bf sez its some guy I didn't get

later toeless luke shaves his beard

later chris and sis talk about why he stopped climbing after icing their dad

also, why didn't dad have a knife of his own?

also; chris looks like chris pratt from Jurassic world with dat hair

so during commercials I checked IMBD and found the toeless feet are real and this was intended to be a cliffhanger sequel(the stallone movie)

I emptied a gun into john Lithgow and beat him off a cliff

in the Gameboy game of cliffhanger

its not bad but takes some figuring out and some parts are cheap

also I read this is a loose remake of The Wages of Fear ( 1953) and Sorcerer ( 1977)(which I never saw)

the next day bf and sis are climbing this thing with this expert I thought was ed

imma call him ed

so ed don't want to risk their safety over a marketing thing

oh and this climb was attempted b4 with only bf as the survivor
at base, chris finds out theres a storm or something commin

oh ed's name is really tom

chris calls em to say to turn back

but bf gets tom to keep going

what is this? jagi twisting shin to take yuria from Kenshiro in fist of the north star?!

so they go higher but a storm comes in and they gotta find shelter

bf yells f--k you to the storm

when the sun gets in my eyes or on my ds, I say; f u sun! you giant yellow c-ck sucker!

s then the ground gives out and sis falls in an ice cave'

then outta nowhere theres an avalanche and bf falls In da cave

then it pushes tom in it

from da cave, sis uses morse code to tell the situation

chris translates

that's actually cool

oh and I think there were more but only 3 survived

chris sez its more than snow, theres ice and rock

and they need special tools

but 1 guy sez they have 36 hours b4 they bite it from water in the lungs or w/e

and they don't know their location

turns out he people have nitro to blast and it don't freeze easy

but 1 guy has his foot in melted nitro or something

so they take off his shoe slow and leave slow

they throw his shoe and it goes up in a fireboom

so if they move nitro too much it blows

what is this? Castlevania 64?

at night the en don't wanna go

but chris talks some into it

and 2 new Zealand homies or w/e join in

1 guy offers em each 0.5 million $$ if they get back

btw turns out chris is the photographer

I just didn't recognize him

in da cave bf gets a plan to keep em alive with water or something

1guy sez this guy went up the peak and lost his toes but couldn't find his wife

saved 3 guys though

no one knows where he is

later they get ready to go and 1 kiwi comments on a chick smoking near them in nitro

and jokes about b0ning her mouth

so she slugs him

violence as a response to words

totally civilized

besides, she shouldn't be smoking near nitro

should she?

I know little of nitro

does fire set it off?

later, toeless luke is on the peak and da chopper lands

the guys want his help but he sez no

when he hears bf is up there e takes command and joins in

1 kiwi don't wanna climb w/ not his brother (who's p-ssing on the  mountain) but toeless gives him orders

so they go up in da storm but the chopper f;s out an nearly wacks em

the chopper blades chop the chick's arm

good

now she cant slug people for words she don't like

the guys get off and chopper heads to base

in da cave tom or w/e I called him might bite it

bf sez to let him as they cant save him

sis wants to try

that's actually good as it shows the difference between those trying to save bf and bf

he's willing to cut off possible loose ends to save himself

but chris and friends are risking it to save him

kinda like in rob roy how rob roy and the brit are so different in honor

or transformers the movie how after optimus and megatron fall the 2 sides choose their new leader differently

bf tells tom to bite it

wow

the look in toms eyes as hes told to go to literally h-ll is pretty tough

later a kiwi chats to 1 guy about how different religions say different things that send us to h-ll

toeless talks to chris about how he did the right thing cutting off dad

and if dad had the knife he'd do it himself

btw how did they get off the 1st thing?

no one was around and they couldn't get back to da rock

so toeless calls ice cave and lets him know they're coming

but don't let sis talk to chris

in da cave sis is getting lung fluid but bf wont give her da needle as he might need it later (even though hes not sick now)

cuz tom is called leader hes gonna take da blame

but its bf's fault theyre there

hen 1 guy falls off the thing and slides down the mountain until he catches the edge of a cliff with his pickaxe

that scene was used in all da trailers

chick is able to catch the guy but goes over but hangs from a rope

so she swings him over to rocks

imagine if her arm came off and fell

after swinging it drops a nitro and it blows

meanwhile sis and bf are trying to get a backpack that can save em

the nitro shakes da cave they are in

oh da guy who went over was da kiwi brother

he was gonna give her da rope but another avalanche takes him out

the chick was on the side of da cliff

chris almoist goes back for em but toeless sez sis and bf are still alive and the 2 who just blew might not be

oh and da chick survived

in da bad was the live saving fluids they need

but bf don't want sis to give it to tom

chick later she meets up with a guy who reveals shes had to be b0ning a guy to get this job

also she busted her hand punching the guy b4

I think da guy is chris

later some nitro blows and base tells chris to get his nitro backpack outta the sun

but the religious guy from b4is outta range

so chris climbs and tells them to radio

they turn on radios bit it takes time to get da message as the radios are cr-p

he get it in da shade but some leaks out into da sun nd blows em

btw the religious guy the kiwi talked to about going to h-ll is kareem like that guy from Yugioh season 5 memory world

kiwi talked about h-ll when religious guy was praying to his god b4

the blast bursts loose the toeless guys wife frozen and toeless and chick find her

chris comes in and sez 4 years ago she guided the team up da mountain

bf was on it and said she lost her meds and bit it

but he really did something to it

and toeless wants to ice bf

chris wants to stop him but can hardly function at the VERTICAL LIMIT and toeless is used to the heights

at night chris talks to sis on radio about bringing dads ashes to the peak as he was happy up there

she wants him to ditch her but he wants to not

she sez bye and its a touching scene

good acting from chris odonnell

hes more than dick in batman and robin

later bf is coughing and he goes up to tom

tom; r u gonna kill me now?

bf; yes

stabs him with a needle

that's pretty f'd

but also hardcore

but a bt funny like in black lion here Shishimaru sez" Ginnai! I will kill you now!" and cuts him in 2

later bf is trying to dig out and sis sees tom is iced

so she attacks him

I think

chris runs and jumps of a cliff to get across a chasm and sticks the ice wall with 2 pickaxes

shouldn't the impact of hitting da wall f him up?

also heres not much water left and the fire went out

so they drain dead a55 tom of blood which hasnt frozen yet and push a baggie of it above a cave to burst on da ice to show where they are

clever

I can see a p0rn0 parody using spurm for it

chris finds em and sends a note saying "bang"

again; this can be used in a p0rn0 parody

they pour da nitro on a thing and set a charge as everyone takes cover

bang

why not just use ur ki to melt it?

or use ur ki to sense where they are?

bf ties sis on a pulley thing and chris and chick pull her up

but da ice busts and they nearly drop her

and da spike holding em in is coming out

but toeless stomps it in and saves em

toeless goes don't to face bf

and bf is too f'd from health to stop him

he attax but toeless counters and hold him over a edge

but saves him

they try bringing up I think da dead tom

but his feet hit ice and the whole thing cr-ps out and they're hanging by a rope

toeless decides h-ll is the place they both belong so he cuts da rope and he and bf fall

clever

using the opening as da ending

so after they somehow get outta there and are at base they saved sis

and the chick, I think, I cant tell without her winter outfit, kisses chris

sis sings some song that chris thnks she made up

sis sez dad'd be proud of him

chris is by the memorial to those who bit it up there

none for bf I think

then credits to good 80s/90s style movie music

the end

I liked that

it was pretty good

some parts were cheesy but it had some pretty good ideas and scenes

plus toeless was based on a real guy

put it on da history channel

better than texas chansaw massacre and boogie nights

huh, the snow leopards were real

pretty good film

nowadays it would all be greenscreen and cgi

but here its real and looks great

for vertical limit 2 I want the boyfriend and toeless to wake up inside the depths of da cave and are being healed by high tech sci fi mammoth sasquatch people. the m s p want to find out what makes em tick and are gonna vivisect em. so toeless has to work with bf to et out before they are chopped up. also its a 2 player beat em up on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar and gba where you fight through these mammoth sasquatch people and try to get out of the endless caves in the mountain.

Mac And Me Review

note; my spelling is bad. but how about this movie?
mac and me
this is my revuiew on mac and me from 88
I've never seen it but I hear its basically ET and mcdonalds
I did watch cinemassacre review it
so it starts in space on some planet with space monsters drinking stuff from the planet through straws
they look like yoda and other star wars freaks
then an earth probe lands and this space fam chex it out
but hide when it cameras at em
how'd they know its a camera?
then 1 touches da cam and busts it and da probe collects planet samples
then a hose sucks em into it and takes off to majestic music and opening credits
what planet is this?
what year is this?!
btw the director also did
The Ice Pirates (I liked dat)
The Philadelphia Experiment(I think I saw it. didn't this guy grab a thing during an experiment and get infected or something?)
Mannequin Two: On the Move(I think my busty gf likes dat)
Tammy and the T-Rex(I think I saw that. the chick takes off her clothes and this brain in a jar cooks)
The New Swiss Family Robinson(I never saw, but, swiss family robinson gx!!)
and Grizzly Falls (which I liked and had the kid from degrassi next gen on it)
so da probe gets back and theres a weight discrepancy
they open it and it blows and the space demons get out
well 1 does
it looks like freddy freaker!
just a puppet wiggling in front of a camera
the big one gets out 2
and the other 2
its a family
dad busts walls or doors or w/e with his hands and gets out
the small 1 gets away and when a chopper gust blows him he stretches like a cartoon
then sticks to a windshield and causes a car wreck
da kid in a car sees the small thing
it hides in this other fams car wit a wheelchair kid and teen in it
and da thing takes wheelers coke
later the other aliens go across da desert of what I think is soviet california and its like Lawrence of arabia
btw, kid drinking coke at night?
he aint sleepin
so da fam moves into a new home
I should note the kid actor actually is disabled
nowadays they'd go mental if he wasn't
oh and theres a hippy communing with an eath spirit
sounds like black arts
oh and sometimes da alien is a midget and others is a puppet
mom shows wheeler their home is made for him with no stairs and low counters and windows
was this custom built?
she must've sold a lot of drugs to afford diss
teen bro sees the thing but is wearing shades so its gone when he takes em off
so wheeler eats skittles and plays with a rc car and the thing pokes it and it rockets around
some say bigfoot have electrical abilities as cameras go f'd when they are near
aliens and daemons have similar abilities
also the thing turns on an unplugged tv when kids there
kid goes in shower and its on but no ones there
is this a horror movie?
then follows its footprints
it was in the car, then the shower. why r its feet filthy?
he goes outside and hippie sez it went down da hill
kid sez its his brother
he tells his fam of the thing but they don't buy it
at night it returns and teen is using power tools to cut wood
kid tells mom he thinks it wasn't so bad as it didn't do bad stuff
btw this is fullscreen
no black bars cutting off the top/bottom
so it whistles and makes a hand thing and its fam hears
da next day kid wakes up to his rc car movies around
he follows it and a drill goes through da wall
in da drill room is a weird nature set up
then a car cuts open da door
it runs
mom comes in and blames the kid for f ing the room and their cr-p
he goes out hippie kid follows him
but he goes 2 far down hill and rolls
and his brake snaps
cheap Chinese made cr-p
he falls off a cliff into a pond
hippie screams for help but it saves him
after da cops and drs settle things, hes ok and dr grills him over what he saw
even though kid sez hippie kid saw it, dr gives kid a sedative
hippie comes in and sez no one would buy it if she told
80s teen girl hippie sister comes in and invites him to something
and flirts with male teen bro
oh they're going to mcdonalds
nice
I love mcD's
so boy teen gives mom a lift to her 1st day at work
at night a raccoon is in their trash and heads for da house
those things are dangerous
too bad soviet California don't let its citizens have guns
cap dat coon
send it to H E Double California
so kid sets up traps of cups of coke
one on a weighted bell so lifting it sets it off
and hippie kid is there
the thing (not from john carpenters 80s film) comes in and they suck it into the vacuum
but it spins da girl around and drags her through da house
holy cr-p is this poultergeist?!
teen bro helps and they plug it back it and it f's out
couldnt it just use its powers to turn it on from inside?
so da thing is out and they give it some coke
kid sez coke is like what they drink on their planet
a planet full of coke?
is that where coke is from?
like poplers in futurama?
mom comes in and da power comes back on and teen backs kid up
but she don't buy it
later its day and it gets da paper
it put a daisy on kids bed and a string to a bell thing from b4 out da window
it cleaned da house
and left newspaper photos on da table
mom thinks the boys cleaned but teen sez; would we do something like this? and mom now buys the creature story
in the wastelands of soviet California da things fam whistles and does hand things to communicate with its kid
its kinda moving
later hippe and er mom nearly run over the thing in a power wheels as dogs chase it
I doubt a kids riding thing can go so fast
it gets stuck in a tree as the kid and mom go by
a few things
1st; dogs detect the supernatural
2nd; I forgot to mention; people say this is da worst film ever made
so far I like it
so after running to nice music with her kid, its time for hippie kids party at mcdnas
also gov guys are at da home asking about the thing
they go but know its here and kid and hippie kid figure out the thing misses its fam
but its time to go
is the thing stop motion?
in some scenes it looks it
kid has tender moment with the thing (they called it a "mysterious alien creature" or "mac" like big mac) and comes out with mac in a teddy bear outfit
was that a real bear they hollowed out? (hollow bear?! kevin bearcon?!)
or a costume he ad for some reason?
also they kept the eyes holes with mac eyes behind it even as a puppet
kid sez his bear got computerized with new microchips so it can move
how rich is this fam?!
must've sold lotsa drugs
at mcdonaids is a big choreographed dance number to rad 80s tunes
also Ronald McDonald is there
awesome
mac reaches out of his costume and takes a black kids coke
everyone thinks hes a toy and they all dance in unison to rad 80s tunes
I love this
its like a Michael Jackson vid
mac dances on da counter and everyone has fun
macs got moves
better than pee wee herman in dat bar
then da guv guys come in and chase after mac and kid
he rolls down hill like a sonic level ands busts through wood fences
after dodging traffic and causing car wrecks, he grabs a truck back and is skitchin like that bad sega game
all to wonderful music
in a mall mac uses his ki to move toy cars
mom works there and chases em
but mac zapps da automatic doors
they smash em with a tv
kid wheels away and his bro grabs him, chair and mac with 1 arm into a moving van and they get away
hippie and teen girl are driving
later they go to da desert to 80s music to find macs fam
also mac has a red shirt and eats skittles and coke
they see a sign like mac likes and they drive offroad with wild stallions running by em
he wanted them to find windmills
those things are dangerous
not kidding
they f up the people who live near em
mac does the whistle and hands thing and detects his fam
holy cr-p we're like 75 mins in
in da mine da fam was at, teen bro goes in with mac and finds macs fam seeming like they bit it
but they're alive and bro gives em coke to restore em
with 2 cans they revived 3 aliens who went like a week without fluids
they give em clothes even though they have no visible parts
not even a55 cracks
they drive back and dad alien ties a knot in a tire iron
these things r strong
at night they stop by a gas station and the space fam busts an arm through the car window to grab a blonde 80s chick's coke
they go in a grocery store and cause cans to fall from grabbing 1 in a display
main guys come in and a cop pulls a gun on da space fam
space dad grabs it and more cops come
the store is evacuated and space fam comes out with dad waving a gun
teen sez space fam don't understand
kid chases em, cop falls, gun goes off
I hear in the Japanese version the shot gets the wheelchair kid and wacks him
cops open fire and the gas station blows and kid bit it
then a chopper comes in with guv guys and mom
so space things come out of da fire unharmed
see
its different than ET
here the kid bites it and not the space things!
they use their space ki or w/e to hear the dead guy
huh
when they do that hand thing it looks like a uterus
also them circling the dead guy and linking hands with power is used in the power ranges movie
and reviving the dead main guy was used in the day the earth stood still
so then theres really nice music and the aliens get made citizens of America
in California they really care about alien rights
and the aliens are in 1950s clothes
huh
with those hairless everything and knobs on their heads, they look like the goblins in Yugioh
the film ends with uplifting music and song and them driving off with a bubble that sez they'll be back
lol; Ronald McDonald as himself
the end
that was nice
good 80s feel
good effects
good simple yet fun story
a bit dark yet not disturbed
I liked this
plus mcdonalds had a profit sharing thing where proceeds from this film would help their childrens charities
I love mcdonalds
good food
good prices
good places
good atmosphere
I got buff eating burgers and working out
2 double hamburgers are enough for a day for protein
3 is good for boosting muscle
just remember to work out
don't over eat and lay on ur huge a55 eating time
just work out
even a  little bit at a time helps
huh, the snorks were in this film
must've been when they were watching tv
also I like how they have free refills and the staff is polite and positive
oh and the van has blinds on it like on the waterfront in this film
great clean fun movie
good 80s charm
watch it with ur fam
for mac and me 2 I want it to be the 2010s and both the wheelchair kid and his brother are married and have kids with the sisters next door. mac and his fam are working with da gov to make high tech mac tech and have a space colony in orbit by the moon thanks to him. but a rival race of space ladybugs come by and are trying to wipe out all of mac's race as they fear them. so its a space war between the humans in mac's star tech and the ladybug people who want to take down the humans for helping macs kind. also its a gameboy, game gear and that pocket turbo grafix 16 thing, oh and Atari lynx, game where you play as either humans and mac's kind (which have bred on earth and have a small population here as its got coke at easy to get levels) to take down the invaders, or the ladybug people and try to wipe out earth. its a shoot em up game like gradius or wings or wor or r type.

The Count Of Monte Cristo Review

note; I spell better than the French functioned after napoleon

the count of monte cristo

this is my review on the count of monte cristo (1934 ver)

I saw the 2002 one with jim caviezel and guy pierce

it was good but changed a lot

so imma do da 30s one

also I saw the simpsons version and it was pretty good

its based on a book by alexander dumas and stars none I know of

huh

its inspired by actual events

its directed by Rowland V. Lee who also did the 3 musketeers 30s ver, son of Frankenstein, tower of London in 1939 and captain kidd

oh and count of monte cristo gx (son of monte cristo)

it starts with text saying in 1815 napoleon lost and the king lewis 18 is trying to make peace

napoleon got exiled like zee kaiser and now is on an island

but people still like him and want him back

a boat stops by napoleons island

then theres a storm and captain has aids or something as hes sick

he gives a guy a note that sez the guy with the secret word is waiting for it from the captain

but someone on da boat hears

good effects on the storm

so they get to some place and the French king is executing those loyal to napoleon

some moustache guy wants to free napoleon and return him to his rightful rule

but cant go to meet da boat as he must stay in the shadows

also the gf of main guy is there and her mom don't consent to her dating the sea guy

and wants da guy in charge of boats to do something

mustachio finds out captain bit it and 2st mate has da letter

a minion meets main guy and sez to come back after he sees his gf

why not get da letter now??

hes right there!

also main guy is the new captain

he reunites with his gf and its got 20s-40s music that's moving and they make out

this guy named Fernand trys to get her to ditch him but it don't work and he gives up

I think its the head boat guy

the guy who heard aids captain and main guy on da boat outs main guy to someone and they get a warrant to arrest him as a spy once he makes contact with who hes to contact

and its to keep main guy from marrying her

sounds like something wedding peach would try to stop

later main guy and gf joke around and have g rated fun by a tree

they climb it and talk about da future and make out

later mustachio goes to a party main guy and gf dance at

hes engaged to her now

they toast to em and throw their glasses at the fireplace

mustachio gives main guy da code word and gets the paper

but da cops nab them after da exchange

mustachio is the dad of the head boat guy (I think hes the head of da town)

and if word got out his dad was against the king, it would f his a55

so he has him sent away and covers it up

mustachio sez main guy knows nothing but boat guy don't buy it

main guy is brought in and sez hes loyal to da king

he never read the letter and never knew who the guy he gave it to is

he was only following orders of da last captain

1 of his homies lies and sez main guy was the one who got da letter

and Ferdinand or w/e his name is bax him up

main guy figures out they are working together to f him for being ship captain and the gf

I should note in the 2002 ver; main guy don't figure it out until years later

they dumbed him down in that one to made his rise look greater without working too hard at making him look smart

they take him away and lock him up w/o trial

spoiler; the frenchies are the bad guys

just like real life

no freedom and oppressive gov

just like soviet England

so in island jail (Alcatraz??) the warden is given a note saying to hold him and not let him communicate outside

main guy writes a note to give to his homie to get his lawyer

the prison is a pee pee soaked heck hole with inmates chained up and locked in da dark

later napoleon escapes

the inbred fata55 king is freaked out and p-ssed off and gets the soldiers

main guy is listed as iced and only told of as number 27 (Dreadnought Dreadnoid in attack mode)

bad guys get word hes iced and he tells the gf

in jail the guards don't speak to him and he grabs 1

they chain him up for a while and don't ice him as the governer gets cash for each live prisoner

so napoleon fights and gets beat and years later gfs mom bites it and has her marry the Ferdinand

oh and I think her mom is called Mercedes

wait, its the gf

sounds like a dancer name

a dancer who don't wear much

later main guy (named dante like the biker in violence jack h-lls wind) hears sound through the wall

he taps it and breaks a pot to cut through the stuff holding the bricks in

after moving 1 block he meets a geezer

he spent 6 years digging to get out

he finds hes been there 8 years

they use a fake body made of human waste or something and a cloth to pull the bed to the wall so the guards think hes still in there

they serve his food through da door as he grabbed 1 b4 and they don't take chances

in geezers cell hes used his smarts to macgyver candles and matches and pens and ink

also hes super smart and knows a lot of science and has much university stuff

they think hes nuts and let him have chalk so he draws on da walls info like math and calendars and bible art

also hes super rich and offered the guards 6 million franks to release him

he got it from working for a duke and being made the heir to his fortune

dukes foes wanted it and tried torturing the location of treasure

then locked him up

he offers half da treasure to him if they get out

main guy has an autism attack and wants revenge on those who ruined him

what is this?

fist of the north star?

betrayed by former comrades

sent to h-ll

they got his woman

and now he's rising back for revenge?

well, count of monte cristo is popular in japan

also ben hur did that too

so geezer don't think hes ready for the treasure

and wants to train him to be a good guy

he sends dante back and prays to God

nowadays they'd edit out the faith

he sent him back as the guard might come

yet dante was only up there for like 45 seconds

oh and Ferdinand is the kings treasurer

and has a son with her

and the king gave him his family title back

the other bad guys work together and get high rewards from the king

also they are against a human rights guy who'll cut into their profits

they have him wacked

its marilin Monroe all over again

so after years of digging and growing duck dynasty beards, the tide got water in and loosened the rocks

but then the tunnel caves in and rocks crush geezer

main guy gets him to his cell somehow and is given his will naming him his heir

he gives dante advice to do justice and goes to heaven

later he calls help and hides in da tunnel as da guards come in to find geezer

they're gonna dump him in da sea

aft tying him in a cloth they go for the irons

dante cuts him free, carrys him to his room, hides him in his bed, gets back and sews himself in the cloth all before they get back

they chuck him into da sea and he cuts himself free on da bottom and swims away

he finds a log and a ship finds him

when taken on his beard is bone dry

after a shave he learns they are smugglers and hes a sailor

he goes by Sinbad

the black guy from jingle all the way?

at monte cristo island he goes in and finds a big a55 treasure

how'd they get it there?

I assume duke had it hidden and all who knew where it is chopped up

like with the pharaohs

a title card sez he planned his revenge and slipped back into the place he was arrested at

he sends his minions to get info on the 3

and hes gonna set up his count of monte cristo persona

later hes fencing and kicks a55

later a minion returns and they talk about how gay paris is

in the 1800s that meant one thing

but by the 1990s...

oh and they are in rome

dante uses his stuff to get his smuggler minions to get one enemy to owe him a lot of cash

if they it, hes gonna be iced in the catacombs of rome

but the dante saves him and plays his friend

huh

his promotion of himself b4 appearing is like gabbo in the simpsons

oh the guy he saved was one of the bad guys kids

dante meets the bad guys in paris and they don't know its him

oh the kid is Mercedes kid

he reunites with her and she don't know its him

wait

I think she sees it

good acting from the gf

she shows a mix of emotions

later he forges a letter saying he is to get unlimited credit

he needs 6 million money and always carrys a million

he sez he gon buy a lot of brittish stock as he knows it'll go well

it does

the bad guys choose to follow his advice

later the greatest detective in Europe comes in and sez dante lived 16 years after being declared iced

and bit it after being thrown out in the sea

but he thinks dante might be alive

but the detective is working for dante

and dante plans to come out about his identity

also he buys a newspaper (I think as in the company)

then plans on having a party

and gf's son wants to marry a chick

later gf confronts dante of being her bf

but dante sez they are different

after much poetic chatter they agree to stay formal

but I think they both know who eachother is

later at da party theres acrobats and dancers

and da bad guys r there

they have tablows (people posing in images to show events) of the counts wins

wait, its the bad guy

one of em is him trying to save a guy

and a chick comes up and sez the bad guy actually betrayed her dad (the guy in the tablow) iced the witnesses and sold her and mom to slavery

this chick was ordered by the dante

but da dante defends da bad guy

clever

keeping his foes close

but letting them think hes their homies

like vector in Yugioh zexal

and dante has the paper he bought tell the story that the accusations are true

bad guy reads da paper and gets a gun

he goes to a room to ice someone but the door closes and its dark

dante can see in da dark from years in jail and sez his gun is aimed at him

he guides bad guy to a table with matches and gets his gun when bad guy lights em

he didn't have a gun at 1st

but now he does

bad guy sez he'd have found out why b4 capping him and given him a choice of weapons to duel

but I think hes lying

dante gives him a chance to fight and bad guy chooses blades

he gives baddy clues and baddy eventually gets who he is

they swordfight to epic music and dante easily disarms him

but lets him go home here reporters swarm

once there he blows his brains out offscreen

later detective reveals a baddy gave him cash to give baddy dantes telegraph messages

dante has him give baddy messages made by dante

then the baddy buys a lot of stock in something dantes messages aid was good

they f out

bad guy sees dante but he reveals the messages were in code where buy meant sell

and the guys he messaged were owned by dante

and dante is da count

bad guy snaps and is a vegetable

later gf's kid confronts dante over his dad blowing his brains out

and having the chick his dad sold into slavery and iced da dad of in his company

but... his dad f'd her up

its like if the qweens went mental at daiana's bf's dad for outing them wacking his son and her

he ruined a lot of people and when his past bites him in da a55, they get mad at the one he wrecked for outing it??

this kid is f'd

so kid challenges dante to a duel

hes got this notion his dad was honorable

btw in the 2002 ver; the kid was actually the counts illegitimate kid created b4 he was locked up by b0ning his gf b4 marriage

that's not how the book went

b4 the duel, he makes a will and gives provisions for his minions and homies

then da gf comes in and tells him not to ice her kid

she thinks hes bad for being vengeful

he sez hes taking down crooks who ruin others

she sez she raised him to be like dante and kid likes the count

he sez kid wants to do this to avoid being sees as a wiener

she don't want kids gf to go through what she had when date went to jail

then they duel with pretty good camera work zooming back as they pace

but both miss

gf told kid who count is

then dante is arrested and charged with being a traitor and all the cr-p he did in jail

but he don't say anything in defence

gf tells sons gf about the count and writes dante a note sayin if he goes to jail he'd feel like its her fault

btw theres a crucifix in the court

nowadays some malcontents would go on gee haad against it

he speaks up and calls da 3rd baddy, the prosecution, as a witness

he reveals baddys dad was with napoleon and dante was sacrificed to protect him

and the witness was the other baddy who swindled a lot of people for profit

and this baddy prosecution is the brains behind it

and dante has built a book on baddys schemes and actions

oh and they wheel around the accused in a cart with wheels in the court

later its implied the baddy is convicted and dante and gf are in the tree from b4

kid and kid gf wanna come up the make out tree but he tells em; find ur own tree

the end

that was quite good

it has class and style

not much action but not boring

no swearing or lust or gore or purvoes

this movie has good pacing

good acting

and god camera work

for the mid 30s this was pretty good

its well made and doesnt feel like nearly 2 hours

for the count of monte cristo 2 I want the vegetable bad guy to be taken over by a daemon and try to bring down the count. but the count is trained in holy skills. so vegetable guy goes to da king and fuses with him. using his king rule, he declares open season on the count and makes it the law that the frenchies gotta be turned daemon. count gets napoleon out and as him lead the good frenchies in battle against the daemon ones with holy skills and items he had saved on the island of monte cristo. its also a strategy game like advance wars on sega genesis, gba, snes and sega cd and has you play as either the king or napoleon and fight  in battles to save or ruin france. also its got anime style cut scenes of the characters like in phantasy star 4 and a synth 80s soundtrack.

Riki-Oh The Story Of Ricky

note; this is awesome. too awesome to speel righjt
riki-oh the story of ricky
this is my review for riki-oh the story of ricky
I loved the books
its like fist of the north star but more gore
fist just shows people blowing apart in a spray of blood
here u c da organs and bones
its from da 80s and has super beefy guys punching holes in even beefier guys
the manga has all these crazy self contradicting conspiracys and often retconned backstorys
the villians plan changes every 2 chapters and every other bad guy is a cannibal
plus pretty much every chapter ends on a cliffhanger
I read all 70ish chapters in 12 volumes and its awesome
I even abridged the anime ovas
I love riki-oh
plus all those big buff guys gets me in the mood to work out
inspiring me to get beefy too
so after 3 mins of a bus going into a compound the story begins
text sez in the distant future year of 2001, capitalist countries privatized their prisons
in the books, its revealed global warming and bad economy f'd the world and high crime lead to this
so the new inmates are lead in and riki-oh sets off a metal detector
they x ray him and hes got 5 bullets in his chest
wow
riki-oh's actor is buff
not as buff as the manga
there hes like hulk Hogan
but for a real guy hes pretty buff
riki-oh is there for 10 years for manslaughter and assault
oh and the x ray machine is just them holding him over a wall machine that lights up
no lead plate behind him
in fact its the guard behind him with his arm in riki-oh's back
so in this jail; warden is number 1, assistant warden is #2. then its the 4 heavenly kings
as riki-oh is new he cant see da warden
later in the bathroom, wild cat hassles this nerdy guy as nerd might get parole
he busts this wood train nerd made for his son on nerds head
nerd runs at wildcat with a plane (the wood shaving thing) but w c goons trip him and w c carves off part of his face with the plane
its pretty gruesome
and w c tells the guard nerd tripped and carved his face by accident
as w c walks, riki-ph trips him and he lands hard and face 1st on a board of nails, popping his eye
its dome with a rubber fake body with juice in the eye
1 goon confronts riki-oh but riki-oh scares him off with a bad a55 look and voice
his ki probably
later wild cat wants revenge on riki-oh and is gonna send silly lung (who I think should be said as xaio long or w/e but the subtitles are f;d. he's bando in japan) after him.
silly lung ate a whole horse b4 and is in da hole
so w c bribes a guard
w c is a crime boss who is big in prison
silly lung is a huge fata55 who looks like a brain damaged ver of the kingpin from spiderman
oh and nerd is denied parole for writing to his wife(which he was innocent of and framed for) and the guards beat his a55
so he hangs himself on his own bandages
not sure that's possible
the inmates say it was wc who stopped his parole
and he was a model citizen who ran over a cop while driving his wife to the hospital
riki-oh gets out and snaps the handcuff on nerds body with his bare hands
then puts the fixed train on his body as they carry it out in da rain
then he has some kind of autism attack
later riki-oh takes a shower with wc but they wear loincloths as the actors didn't anna show their footlongs
in the books they were nude but we never saw below the waist
silly lung slugs riki-oh across da room and sez he was paid 30k of rice to ice him
wc openly admits to sending him and silly lung charges at riki-oh
he punches through silly lungs gut and tears it open as his spaghetti sauce guts spill out and he falls on his fat a55, spraying blood
wc comes at riki-oh with a nail that he kept in his a55 in the books(thats called a suitcase in prison lingo as you walk around with something in it)
riki-oh grabs it and the nail goes through his hand
he crushes wc's hand and pulls out a nail
then slugs wc in the side and the impact blasts a hole clean through him
good f--k this is violent!
I love it!!
makes fist of the north star look like sailor moon!!
then the guards take him away thinking their nightsticks can handle a guy who punches freekin holes in people
but 1st the north emperor sez after riki-oh is punished by the assistant warden, hes gonna punish him
hes put in a cell b4 the assistant warden sees him tomorrow and has some ki issues or something
then we get a flashback to him meeting his sensei in a graveyard for the 1st time
he shows his future sensei some kung fu
but sensei is stronger
so riki-oh wants to learn his qi gong style to defend da weak
so he teaches riki-oh it and it makes him glow with ki
then has him shattering tombstones with hits
in the books riki-oh was gonna suicide and sensei found him and trained him as he knew riki-ohs mother
man we're 20 mins in
that felt like nothing
next day he sees assistant warder (a w )who is missing a hand and an eye
also hes played by riki-ohs actors dad
and has a wall shelf full of p0rn0
guard reads his history
unknown parents and grew up in an orphanage
s-cked at school but learned the flute in music college
disappeared for 2 years then killed a guy
I should mention in the books he was raised by the saiga family and did well in school
a w takes his fake eye out of a glass he was drinking out of and puts it in
a w interrogates him but riki-oh is silent
so a w puts a photo on the table and when riki-oh reaches for it, he stabs riki-ohs hand with his hook hand and punches him a lot
a w thinks riki-oh is a spy and sez he had a spy iced
so riki-oh spits blood in his face
he crushes the photo of the girl and sez hes gonna b0ne her, which gives riki-oh viet nam flash backs of her
then he uses his one hand to crush the table
a w fires a gun he suddenly has at riki-oh but rki-oh flips and blocks it with a metal tray like with Michael Keaton in batman
he then gets the photo and walks out as a w's nose bleeds from the force of the punch or ki or w/e
later at night riki-oh plays a flute and remembers having goofy fun with the girl
where did he get that flute?!
it wasn't on him when he came in
was it smuggled in his a55??
this IS a prison movie
later one of wc;s goons is caught by a bunch of inmates over driving nerd to suicide
they want him to lick their books and eat a bowl of sh-t
these guys guy weird fetishes
what is this? the human centipede III??
and is gonna be chopped up by kuang with a big a55 saw
but narumi or w/e they call north king in here stops him as north king is the only one to enforce the rules
wtf he subs call wc goon "centipede"
well, theres wasp in violence jack and jackal in Hokuto no ken
kuang stands up to north king and gets chopped by his own saw in the head for not respecting a superior
they used a saw with a small part missing and filmed it with a blur in slo mo to cover it
a w comes in and drags him off by the mouth with his hook hand
he wants to use kuang to lure out riki-oh and ice him saying hes a bAD role model for the other inmates
also he gives north king a blade
and has mints he keeps in his fake eye
later north guy has kuang crucified by chains in the yard and riki-oh just walks up to it
he attacks riki-ih but riki-oh wants to have north guy free kuang 1st and gets beat on
riki-oh fights back but north pulls the knife and throws broken glass in rokiohs eyes from the sheath
riki-oh swings instead of using his senses to detect him and gets his arm carved open and is punched down
with his good arm he busts a water main and the gushing cleans the broken glass outta his eyes
yeah I don't think that's enough
wont they be all cut up and need healing?
he then knocks out north guys eye wit a slap to the back of the head
even though the force needed to knock out an eye is more than the force needed to bust his brains
riki-oh then ties his cut tendon together with his fingers and teeth like shoelaces
and he can fight perfect w/o rehab
north guy then commits seppuku and riki-oh tries to stop him
so north guy reaches in his gut, pulls out his intestines and strangles riki-oh with em
ohhhhhhhh its gory!!!
bad a55!!
you can tell its rubber skin though
rki-oh uses 1 of his 2 free hands and slugs north away
north charges and riki-oh flips him in the air, then as he comes down, crushes in his face with an x ray punch
north guy falls on the ground with only some blood drawn on his face
riki-oh then pulls out the huge cross with his bae hands
this things like 20 feet tall!
oh and kuang bit it
too bad riki-oh just walked there slow and tried to reason with north guy
the inmates try to ice a w
but the other 3 members of the 4 emperors show up and ice inmates
1 of em just busts a mans head with a double hand ear slap
if you watch it right, u can see the back of his neck falling off
in the manga he grabbed the guys head with one hand and squeezed it til it popped
the west one is named yomi in the books and is played by a chick in this film
instead of fighting em, riki-oh wants to stop the killing for now and takes kuang away
a w offers riki-oh a chance to be the new north king
in the books he bada55ly replies; show me a wolf who would want to wear a collar
also theres this kid in this adult man prison who north was looking after who sees riki-oh playin a grass whistle
although his lips are not even touching the leaf
kid tries it later but s-cked at it
riki-oh sez he should use his tongue but kid shows he don't got 1
kid walks away and has a huge pile of leafs with him
where'd he get em?! theres no trees!
so riki-oh gives him a flute
also west sees this
kid givs riki-oh a poppy leaf and shows where he got it
later the 3 kings confront kid about it and want him to ice riki-oh
also they show him norths bod with the tattoo skinned off his back
its f-kking gruesome
I love it!
kid cant ice riki-oh so west skins him alive
he slashes the blade by him and his skin just comes off
pretty sick
and impossible
also in the books he used kung fu to slice him apart
like rei's nanto suicho ken in Hokuto no ken
his skinned body is found at night
also west took out his tongue b4 cuz he saw something
riki-oh finds the flute he gave him and snaps it
a w gets p-ssed riki-oh knows of the poppys and then the greenhouse burns down
west goes there but riki-oh comes out of hiding in the burning greenhouse and kicks the doors open
he had to duck to be offscreen as hes taller than the walls
riki-oh knows they're growing opium there and fights mae west
billy west hits a pressure point to stop riki-oh's heart
also the inmates are running around the area
why aint they locked in their cells??
also da warden is returning tomorrow
riki-oh punches his chest to CPR it back on
then south comes in with his needles on wire an they double team him
they use the wire needles to penetrate and tie up riki-oh
then east comes in and stops em as he wants to take out riki-oh
in the manga he got south through the back of the head with a pitchfork and dressed like a trucker
then a w uses the zero alarm and guns open fire on the area
east takes him to a room to fight but the room fills with wet cement
riki-oh snaps out of the wire and the nail in his arm is gone
he then busts outta the metal door and carrys out east
he tells a w hes gonna show everyone the poppys and puts it in his mouth
but the cement suddenly hardens and he falls
a w crushes da poppy he had and kicks riki-oh
then warden and his fat a55 son come in he next day
I gotta say the music is good in here
its got that dank dark dread feel
and early 90s late 80s
son puts gum on a w's head between his eyes
then trips on da carpet
warden pops the eye of the guy who rolled it out with his cane
a w makes the sign of the cross for some reason
he didn't in the manga
is he catholic in here?
but... his p0rn0 collection...
a w tells warden several inmates bit it
warden is not pleased as they are cheap and good labor
well, as they aint union, they can get a lot more done at better prices
warden freaks pit when hearing the poppy thing burned down and takes pills for an attack
they see riki-oh chained and coated in concrete
he easily breaks out and grabs warden
but then east busts through the stone wall like da kool aids guy and slugs riki-oh across the room into a wall
was he just waiting there for riki-oh to come out??
warden and friends watch as east bends prison bars to tie riki-ohs arms and bats on him from behind
then east grabs his head to pop it like a zit full of pus
r-oh busts out and busts easts arm with a punch
then punches through the bottom of his jaw and out his mouth
they used a rubber head for this that looks very fake
east goes for 1 last punch but riki-oh counters his punch and busts through his hand
then the ceiling is revealed to be a big press thing that's coming down to crush riki-oh
who built this demented place?!
riki-oh holds it up with his arms and forces it back up
warden uses a taser to shock riki-oh down
but east holds it back up as hes still alive
a w sez east is cr-p after east sez he was loyal and riki-oh busts out through the bars with a tackle
then east is crushed calling for his mommy
riki-oh finds a picture of east and his mom (who's like 1/2 his height) and yells that every prisoner has a family and shouldn't be thrown away
to be fair; many people go to jail for reasons
druggies
killers
thieves
purvurts
some people should be locked up
so riki-oh is dropped through a trapdoor like in looney toons
later they have da prisoners berry riki-oh alive
they refuse but riki-oh sez its ok
also the guards are gonna cap em if they don't
tis is like a union thing
the individual rights are ignored by the will
like using forced dues to fund the bosses political crusades
wareden sez if riki-oh lasts a week he's free
I dot think that's how the legal system works
they give riki-oh an air tube
later they hear his protoman whistle from underground
but south and west come out of the sewers like the feekin ninja turtles and west kicks a guard dog in half with a kick
btw, south is a freekin midget!
hes like 4'9
west is taller than him and hes played by a chick who's hardly 5 feet
west puts dog guts in the air tube but riki-oh somehow splits it and eats the guts
I should mention that riki-oh is part jewish and dog isn't kosher
then he flashbacks to his gf seing a drug deal and people doing drugs
shes caught and taken back to the drug dealers lair to be b0ned dead
b4 head dealer b0nes her, she freaks out and ruins away screaming
she runs up the stairs and jumps off the building
1st; this makes no sense
2nd; birth of a nation did this 1st
3rd; in the books it was a little girl riki-oh befriended who was run over and given bad painkillers that vegetabled her as the drug dealers forced the drs to use their drugs(like a union saying union workers only)
4th; they used a cr-ppy fake body and its feet bound off da ground when she hit
riki-oh identifies her (as she don't have a mark on her face from falling face 1st off a building)
then faces the head drug guy who fires 54 shots in his chest
riki-oh tanks it and snaps his leg, then punches a fist crater in his head
in da books he dealer survived but was pretty f'd
so it was a w who found this out by inteviewing dealer
later they dig him out with a huge construction machine that was a part of devastator in transformers
warden sez if hes still alive hes a super man and his son does ultra man poses
riki-oh is alive and snaps out of his chains
but then is hit by the bucket of the machine and kicked out by west
was west driving the thing?
he wakes up in da basement and trapped in a bunch of metal pipes and is beat by south with a wrench
warden wants to know what hes investigating besides da drugs and where he was for 2 years
Kanye west kicks a metal bar in riki-ohs crotch and puts razor blades in his mouth
then tapes his mouth and slaps him a lot til they cut through his face
warden takes off a tape and riki-oh spits the blades in wardens face
he tells warden when warden knows his secret hes gonna bite it
later riki-oh is chained up and an inmate brings him food
but wc goon sees it and outs him to a w
a w carrys him out by his hook hand in his mouth and drags him to riki-oh
but riki-oh is not in da cell
they go in but he's above the door on the ceiling
he then punches the top half of wc's goons head off
then punches a w's remaining eye out of his head and takes him hostage
food homie bites it
a w gets away but the inmates get him and take off his other hand which sprays blood
in the manga this is where he remembers a man just like riki-oh but with a swastika on his hand who was in this prison when he lost his hand and eye and saved him
oh yeah, in the manga, riki-oh has a hexagram on his hand
guards come in and beat inmates
so riki-oh punches one through a metal riot shield and his torso and his heart falls out his back
1st; he was just doing his job. the inmates were rioting and he was stopping em
2nd; I don't think that's possible to punch out his heart
this is like looney toons meets itchy and scratchy
ON ROIDS!!
riki-oh has a w take him to warden
even though he has no eyes or hands
wtf and they're carrying him
meanwhile, warden has them cut the meals by half for inmates
1 guy complains so warden runs his arm through a meat grinder
in the manga its cuz he dropped a chicken on the ground and "wasted" it so he had to "pay it back"
and said to serve it to the inmates
1 inmate sez they shouldn't b treated like this as they are human
warden; if I called you human i'd have to do the same to the rats and cockroaches!!
then riki-oh busts a w through da wall
warden pulls a gun but inmates use a w as a shield
so a w caps him with a bullet of super compressed air that makes him expand and blow apart into bacon bits
1st; how can they get that much air in a bullet?
2nd; if they can, wont it be unstable and blow ur hand off if fired?
3rd; f fired; the air wont leak out slow, it'll all come out at once like a grenade
4th; what if it goes through him and hits the wall behind him?
5th; if the air leaks out slow, it would kill him well before he blows apart
6th; wont the air just go out the bullet hole??
there
a half dozen reasons that doesn't work
but I think the mythbusters otta try this out
warden is gonna cap riki-oh, but the remaining 4 kings attack
south gets him with needle and wire so riki-oh kicks a solid wall and hes on the other side of it
did he throw that through the stone wall?!
good f--k! what is this?! Castlevania?!
also the other 2 kings never show up again in the manga
south was said to be iced but is seen later with a pitchfork through his neck out his mouth
and west is just dropped
yeah
they forgot about him
he iced that kid, riki-oh swears vengeance, and that's it
its like dexters lab
what about the guy zapping us?
oh hes done. move on

so warden watches em fight and has a cigar
the 2 kings sometimes take turns and sometimes work together
west kicks at riki-oh but he evades and his foot goes in a boiler
so riki-oh punches off his legs and does something to his arms offscreen
south runs but warden caps him in da right a55 cheek and he blows
then is gonna cap riki-oh but don't
In da manga he tries but riki-oh catches it with his fingers
then warden goes freekin hulk and expands into a huge Castlevania monster
riki-oh fights but cant damage him and gets punched through pillars
he punches clean through warden but it don't phase him
its revealed they have the same kind of kung fu
in the manga its revealed they had the same sensei and hes more skilled in ki gong
also riki-oh was born in this prison over 20 years ago
rki-oh recalls his sensei teachings and punches out wardens leg
the punches in his chest like Kenshiro vs raoh, kaioh and souther in Hokuto no ken
then throws him in the meat grinder and forces him in
all that's left is hamburger and a head
in the books, he regrets his ways after riki-oh pulls him out (w/o legs) and tells riki-oh where to find his brother
oh and his brother as the reason he went here in the manga
he carrys wardens head out and it stops the fights between guards and inmates
then he chucks it and punches a hole in the prison wall with a ki boosted fist
he tells em they're all free and walks out as credits roll to dissonant musuc
the end
good f--k
that was awesome
good cheesy gore
simple plot
no lust or purvusion
no nude scenes(except butts in da shower but spongebob has butts)
good music
good cheesy a55 effects
good over the top acting
the manga is better but the movie is great
they changed some stuff to make it more self contained but it works
I love this cr-p
in the books its set in the year 199x
like Hokuto no ken and Urotsukidoji
I even have dreams of riki-oh like of a gba game or me being in the manga
this movie is awesome and I love the series
the books get more insane with weirder cr-p and psychic powers and bible refs and nazies
huh
its like paul Verhoeven
he otta do this
get him to make a series of riki-oh movies
except he'd add naked chicks
plus as this is 2001 it can be on the history channel like 2001 a space odyssey
im srs
that was on there
for riki-oh the story of ricky 2 I want it to be in the 2010s and things are getting better. he' married to some really fat chick and has a son. but his son is kidnapped and hes gotta fight his way through waves of espers, cyborgs, ninjas, dinosaurs and cannibals to get him back. turns out, it was yomi the west king who is rebuilt with cyborg parts and the fat son of the warden teaming up for revenge. and fat son is now 9 feet tall and over 700lbs of muscle and battle scars. good thing riki-oh taught his wife kung fu and she is just as good as him now despite being over 500lbs. also its a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis, snes and Atari jaguar and you play as riki-oh and his wife to save the ay by splattering guys in gory 16 bit effects.