King Solomon's Mines Review

Note: I spell like an adventurer

King Solomon's Mines

This is my review on King Solomon's Mines from the distant fuiture year to H. Rider Haggard of 1050 (60 years before Robotech Season 1 and Trandsformers Season 3 in Japan)

Igts directed by Andrew Marton who did nothng I saw and is baeed on a bpokl by H. Rider Haggard who did a bunxha Allan Quatermain books I never read

I ecall Allan Quatermain from The League Of Extrodinary Gentle Men alongide other 1800s Heroes

It stars Deborah Kerr from Black Narcissus/Quo Vadis/the 1953 Julius Caesar/From Here to Eternity/The Night of the Iguana, Stewart Granger from Sodom and Gomorrah/The Wild Geese, Richard Carlson from Beyond Tomorrow/It Came from Outer Space/Creature from the Black Lagoon, Lowell Gilmore from The Picture of Dorian Gray/the 40s The Secret Garden/Plymouth Adventure, an d a few guys i never saw in anything and/or aint on back door, candy a55, beta male, mobkey junkie, aids bah, sodom bottom, frooty booty, uso suki, okama suki, ma suki, zoku uragiri, hippie stoner vegan peta tree kung fu based n plants, weener cleaner, banana crammer wikipedia.

I nevr aw this but it was filmed like a half dozen rtimes and the books didn't have a female sidekick forb allkan 

This movie did well and people liked it but the 37 verson was closer to the book.

this almost starred Errol Flynn but he did Kim instead

wait, wtf, this is the 30s version. the youtube vid sed 50s, it lied like wikipedia and the news!

this ones directed by Robert Stevenson who did da 40s Jane Eyre/Old Yeller/Mary Poppins

It stars malcontent commie Paul Robeson from nothing i saw, Cedric Hardwicke ftom the 30s Les Misérables/the 30s The Hunchback of Notre Dame/Sundown/The Ghost of Frankenstein/The Picture of Dorian Gray/The Winslow Boy/Rope/the 50s The War of the Worlds/the 50s The Ten Commandments/the 50s Around the World in 80 Days.the 60s Twilight Zone, Roland Young from a 20s Sherlock Holmes\the 1935 David Copperfield, John Loder frim The Private Life of Henry VIII, Anna Lee whps the god daughter of arthur conan doyle fron Bedlam/Fort Apache/The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance/ What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, Frederick Leister frmn The Iron Duke/Around the World in 80 Days, and a bunxha gys nt on my list of cr-p wikipedia

wait, the video does say its the 37 one, I looksed at the wrong thing

So after logo and credits with the actors names and roles shown over clips of em, we get the diary of Allan Quartermain in 1881-1882 and he writes things saying this story is true and ther cr-p in handwriting so its hard to read

then we hear of King Solomons Mines that are berried under a lot of cr=p and in soviet africa

But I hear he got his gold from the Solomon Islands with the dsasquatch fallen angel monsters underground on there seen in ww2 and many times since

diamonds were found near and we see guys looking for em and an irish made a bunch in his area but in the diamond buyers thing a guy abd his blonde stick te place up, but its a joke i think and he found a huge rock but its not a diamond and they leave

his names obrian lie willis and he tells his woman he's lookng for a new fortune but she wansts to go straight and be respectable but they jacked necklaces and obrian got a shamrck one from his blonde.

they wanna go to the coast and try getting a ride with a guy smoking a pipe and hes not going there bt blonde sez ses obreians dughter

the irishs wanna o wth him buthe dont like em digging uo afria and blone sezher aunt is biting it and he lets em come

in allans doary he sez hes god with those irish and stop for the night andsee small deer and blonde thnks allan is gonna ap em

allan is a hunter but dont like hunting and its revealed allan knows they lied of the aunt as he knew irishmen b4

to be fair, after ba rock, bi den, try deau, and kathleen kennedy, they irish kinda had a bad nanme

the group see something across theb river said to have devils there andthe trio goes to check it out and findsa big black guy and a cray looking guy whos looking for inf solomons treasure and wants to be the ruichest man on da urth, but who will rule new urth? primal rage!

so crzy gu seems to bite it and da irish find a map 300 years old and leading to the mines but allan figures out the irish got it as hes like L in death note but w/o the flu shot damage

obrian wants to have this chance  andgoes on irishly about his responsibility for his blonde daughter and wants t use these oxen and carts to get it

the next day, obrian jacked the africans wagon and oen  and blackasaur dont ewanna work for allan, but blode finds a note from obrian and sees he went fr the treasure

allan sez to blonde to come along as he told obrian hed look after her but she sez if he wont go after her dad, she'd go albe

he alls her bluff but blackasaur offers to guide her with the map but allsn sez the map is in his cart and blacksaur sez its the White man into diamonds

allan sez if he wont something then allan wont want him in his cmp and allen drives off suspecting blackasaur of being up to trouble

blonde is dsgruntled and later allan sez in his diray his clients are waiting for him and the gir is stubborn

later they arrive in a village and this good hair guy is interested in the chick and chick sneaks around with blackasaur

a guy gets a bucket of water dumped on him for a bath in a drum and is tipped over so he dot destroy his parts on the rim

chick comes by and sez the woekers wont obey her and they need to get  camp put up and gets hair guy to go with her

later the men smoke up and reveal allen didnt give permission for his men to obey the chick and chick tricke em

after a journal entry saying he wont let the hick die in the desert she went out to with the wagon we see ye blackasaur singing with his big black voce and chick cuts her hair to look more 20s to 40s

at night she reads the map andallen and friends ome by and say shes going bak with him tomorrow and hair guy smiles at her as she sez she'd do it again

the next day she wants to do on and not need his wagon or ox as they drink too much water but allen sez n o one can survie the desert

she sez she can like Vice in Skies Of Arcadia Legends on Nintendo GameCube. Get N or Get out!

blackasaur tries to take comand but allen stands up to that sasquatxh and 2 guys with him wanna try going it

they wanted to go huntng but wanna adventure but allen tells em of what iys like to bite it of thirst

allen sez he promised to bring em back as best he can and hes a man of his word but not a fool

so in this wastelandthe people walk and it looks cool and like a 20s movie with its desrt effects like if the bat whispers was a deert film and seems like miniatures

so as the walk the sand is endless and water runs low and eventually see buzzars thinking its near water but blackasaur sez its a corpse eater

they find obrians wagon and a ote saying hes gong north and after a journal entry saying its a mesage for his nephew , they ration water to half a bottle left for each

they go on and blacakasur sees a sandstorm comming and they hit th drtand cover the faces

later thet wae ip and blacakseu smells water and runs and te crew fllows and they dg in the dirt and find a spring and eat muck water

they make it across the deser and climb rocky hills and blackaaur sings, then after a diary entry they are in a jungle and eat melon and therws a waterfall

theres tribesmen looking like the black guys monsters in maju sensen aka magical beast front and chick wners what her dad sees he tribesmen

the tribesmen come for em an blackasaur translates them wonering what Whites are and how 1 has a monocle and shaved the side of his face

imagine them seeing 2020s guys wth half shaved heads and blue hair and tattoon and piercings and aids

Allen tells the tribe they are sky gods like with Astrotrain in Transformers and they get brought to their village which is said yo be a military thingwitj a king they meet

chick is nervous of the spears they hold amd king get  pitcher of juice he splashes in the slaves face and laughs at b4 kicking him like santa in a chrstmas story

they learn theres a diamond mine and i thought King Solomon used Oricalcum to make his temple and it was mase by daemons he controlled with a ringfrom the Angels

so they are brought to an underround area called King Solomons Road with 2 hue statues like the giants fought in the bible, ad the Whites wonder of other civilizations that fell like this one

allen sez phoenicians did the statues as Solomon didn't use Idols and a witch dr comes up wearing a cloak said to be undreds of years old

witch dr mario has seen a Qhite Man  but but mind is fd like an 80 year old irish president and it might've been today or a century ago

past a door slaves brought jewels for queen of sheba and as the Whites are going in, blackasaur sez the tribesmen will trap em in with a stone

the Whites try to leave but king tries to force e in so Allen slugs him out and he tribes men wig out so when king is gonna throw a spear at e, they shoot the spear

As they never saw a gun they dont know what happened and run, then after a journal entry wonderin if they think they are gpds, the tribe has a dance

a tribe guy gives blonde her dads necklace, wait its blackasaur and it was from the way to the mine

they think her dad is in h e double ireland and figure to leave butblackasaur warns the tribe is gonna ice em if they try to leave and the witch dr mario is gonna accuse em of being evil and have em wacked soon

but the people are sick of violence for now and if a new leader rises up, they will go with it, like in Dune

Allen questions him on who he is, but is told hes only a diamond hunter, who looks and sounds a bit like Tony Todd

blacula tells em a story of a king who loved the land and fought a bad guy gagoolan his brother was to ice him in his sleep. so his wife and son were sent out in the desert and were rumored to have bit it

1 guy sez if true, the son should be king and allen sez blackasaur ishim and he agrees

some tribesmen listen in like niiiiiiiiiiinjas and tell others and after a danceblackasaur shows em his snake tattoo and tells em in aftricatalk and tells em he's gonna rise up but they need the White Mans help

he offers em slavery i mean freedom and diamonds and her dad who's still alive in the mines and wants their Magic powerrs but Allen sez he saw they dont got it

so I think gagool is the witch dr or the king  and wait the jourlal sez its the king whos using gagool to remove his enemies and the hournel sez only God can ave em

the next day the africans dance and when checking his books on a horse he bet on, he fins notes that there will be a solar eclipse like a connecticut yankee in king arthur's court where he'd be burned, like so many faeggots before him (In the 1800s it meant bundles of wood)

they gotta hold out til 11 15 and after more dancing, the witch dr phil walks around and whips a thing at a guy and the africans swarm and waste him

its 10 mins past 11 and the witch dr drew does another guy but not like b0ning in soviet california and she's working their way to the Whites and ibes the signal to waste blacenstein

Allen rns out and fres off a shot at the swarm of spear toting africans and they stop and he sez africa talk and king grabs a spear

eventually the eclupse blackens the area and the africans freak out and run around until blackington bear sings and eventually the sun comes back

the past king books it with a few guys and Allen sez in his journel the worst is comming and x king went fr reinforcements of the army to add 1 level 4 or lower warrior from his deck to hand

so 2 swarms of africans come for each other a its like Lord of the Rings but a White guy fires at em and they stop, but resume and its a battle at a wood fence

more afrcans come andits like Braveheart and they use fire spears to burn the village, as a tyrant will burn down a naion to rule the cnders, like the commies or trudeau or maryta

1 White guy fights an africanized african with both using blades and shields but when White guys lade breaks he tackles him and they fight over the african axe until another White guy wastes him

the fighting sops and blacker from Transformers Vitoy is made king but the chick was taken to the mine and the witch dr  fareed zachariah is gone

chick looks n the mine and finds a note sang her dads the ruchest man in the world and ges in a volcano or acid mne, its in b/w and fullscreen and looks cool

she finds her dad in  there and i think his leg is broe and the witch dr is near andthe mn come in, unblock a rck that would trap em in andgo by a bunch of coins and find em

witch dr leaves and allen sez the mine as f;d by a volcano and witch dr lights on fire the log the gus stopped the sone with a torch

blacasaur comes in and chades her and the rock falls and breaks the mine and the thing f--ks out and crubmles

they escape the ledge and i wonder how he broke his leg and wound up there

witch dr is crushed under the falling rocks and obrian has got diaonds for em in a handkerchief

also the volcano is gonna erupt andthey are trapped andchick feels bummed cuz its her fault they all are gonna bite it and wished to get back to soviet ireland instead of h e double irelsnd

the guy shes with is glad to be w/ her and theafriking blackasaur saves em by moving a big rock that falls in th lava and they climb outand ook it wit 1 guy grabbing some coins

a diary entry sez hes glad they can go home and theres no reason to stay there and king blackasaur sez hes sending 100 of his men to lead em through the desert and to rememer how they fought together

they leave and blackasaur sings and thats it

te end

i mea the end

that was pretty good

nice story and action, good acting, nie effedcts, good filming and likable cracers

i never read the book but it seems a lot like Congo by michel crichton

its only like 80 mins and holds up pretty well

its got that 30s style and good style and its an entertaining adventure story

I liked this one and I'm glad I saw it

For King Solomon's Mines 2 I want the kid of the irish blonde and the guy she liked to return with 20th century tech before WW1 and try to dig up the mines from above, but daemons from king Solomon's era are freed and attack, and devolve the land into h-ll on arth, so Blonde Jr whos a curvy chick in a metal bikini cuz she rwad too much pulp novels, and Allen's nephew twam up and batle em with holy armor from King Slomon's Mine that's from bfore Noa's Flood and has high ech that can fight daemons. Also its a 16 bit Beat Em Up on sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar andgba with 1 player as Blonde Jr and the other as Allen's Nephew and you fight people, plants, fungus and animals devolved by daemons and beat the evil putta em.