20 000 Years In Sing Sing

note; I'm in a hurry. cant spell
20 000 years in sing sing
this is my review on 20 000 years in sing sing
its by michael curtiz with bette davis and spencer tracey
its based on a book
it starts in prison with men walking and their sentence shown
it adds up to 20 000 years in sing sing
that makes sense
as creation science dates the earth at around 6 000 years
the opening credits show the image of the actor and sez who he plays
why don't we do this anymore
candy a55!
tracey talks with guys in suits
he seems like one of the 3 stooges in this
he goes to prison and has a lotta people there to see him off
a guy with a moustache talks to the warden
the warden sez tracey has 5-30 for robbery and assault with a deadly weapon
he then reads traceys rap sheet
the moustache guy tries to bribe the warden but he burns the cash
he sez no inmates get preferential treatment
btw tracey is named conners
like curt conners from Spider-Man
i'd like a Spider-Man p0rn0 with dr curt "the c-ck" conners who had his thing bit off by a gator and uses lizard dna to regrow it
but it makes him grow lizard d-cks all over his body
tracey refuses to wear a uniform and throws a fit
warden sez he don't gotta but he gets treated like everyone else
they take him through the prison but in long undies
the inmates make cute comments like in top gun
they're gonna b0ne him!
he's put outside with the other inmates in long undies
they make tracey work in the ice house
his parts are gonna freeze and fall off
he later goes in uniforme
he talks to the warden and don't like being in prison
O RLY?!
prison isnt good?!
the warden tells tracey hes not some ubermench who is superior to his fellow man
tracey sez work is for saps so warden has him to sit on an iron bench until his a55 callouses up
tracey sez if he has to ice the warden to get out he will
warden sez if he were him he'd do the same
we get a montage of tracey on his a55 and other people being good inmates
he asks a guard how long he's here
guard sez 3 months but tracey sez it feels like 3 years
he agrees to work as he has a55 callouses
he enjoys busting rocks
good
get buff in prison!
turn into garlic jr
tracey meets with his woman and they make out
bette davis wasn't a hag in the 30s
in baby jane she rotted
tracey sez she shouldn't look hot in prison as it arouses him
I bet he got a b0ner
he also sez don't come on Saturday
its not good mojo 4 him
cr-p happens to him on Saturdays
In the distant future year of 199x; Saturdays were the best
fox kids!!
power rangers and cr-p!
tracey gets an IQ test and does well
wait
its some random guy
now tracey does it
he don't wanna sit down so he spills ink on the chair
he has to sit anyway
a55 full of ink
he hears a dumb guy got coal shoveling so he does well on the test
hes smart when he wants to be
another guy does the test and s-cked at it
the test is putting wood pieces into grooves they belong in
he sez he's color blind and the dr puts him on cr-pper detail
that's racist
later bette davis returns dressed like a chick from Robotech season 1 but in dark colors
she sez shes got a guy trying to spring him
but the he's have to live in hiding or ditch America
just get it over with and move on
later inmates ae making shoes
tracy talks to a guy who sez hes bustin out
the cr-pper guy cuts a valve on a thing after taking the wheel off
as in he removes the wheel and saws it
b4 lights out the guys prepare for something
after lights out a guy uses a device to unlock the door
one uy fakes being ill and gets a guard over
he sez hes got cramps and he might be poisoned
its his perroid
hes got a uterus
hes a hermaphrodite
the warden warns of a break
when the guard comes he beats him
more people join in and tracey don't wanna go cuz its Saturday
yes he had bad ones
but maybe his Saturday is different?
its a new day
they make him go with em and dress in guard uniformes they jacked
tracey wacks the guar as he was waking up
the device wont open this door so they wait
they wack a guard coming up but he whistles for help
more guards come and they use tear gas
1 guy in guard dress runs to the bars and yells
he gets capped
the guards come in and have the guy surrounded
the guy who forced tracey to come jumps and busts on the pavement
wtf
tracey was in the jail cell the whole time?!
I thought that guy was him
he tells the warden that his door is unlocked
warden thinks tracey is going soft but he sez he stayed cuz its Saturday
later tracey gets word bette davis is biting it and was in a car accident
we get a human moment from tracey as he reveals he loved her
like mad saurus and blue from violence jack
but bette davis isn't a hermaphrodite
or is she?
warden sez he can let tracey out for a bit to see her
he gives his word that hes coming back
aw f
its Saturday!
later the moustache guy talks to a dr and sez they're worried she might talk
moustache guy sez she jumped
at the train station the cop that busted tracey recognizes him and follows
tracey meets davis and she sez moustache guy was gonna give 5 000 $ t do something(clear him)(wtf ever that means)
she tried something and now is biting it
she could've sent moustahe guy "up da river"
tracey takes a firearm but she tells him not to
the cop comes in and (wait I think its the moustache guy)
he confronts the blonde bette davis but tracey fights him\
bette davis caps mustache guy and the cop pounds on the door
tracey takes the gun and books it
the moustache guy tells the cop tracey did it
why'd he take the gun?!
dumba55
the cop calls the jail and tells him tracey iced a guy
warden thinks tracey is gonna return
later tracey wants to skip the country
warden sez this might wreck him as the big wigs hated his honor system
although everyone he released came back
the papers mock the warden
he agrees to resign
as he writes his name on the resigning thing, tracey returns
what took him so long?!
a montage of newspapers say he is tried and convicted of icing the guy
why not just tell em the woman did it?
if he didn't take the gun it wouldn't've happened!
hes gonna get the chair
he sez to check the watermain that for the last year he's been working on it to bust it so he can bust out
later he gets a letter saying if he don't see the irs about his 1926 taxes, he will be arrested
later the cr-pper guy is taken away
he plays a harmonica and does a song great for once
we get a newspaper say his appeal is said to be staying in the chair
he talks to a priest and don't go for "pearly gates" stuff
i'd love it if the priest said; see you in h-ll(from heaven)
bette davis comes in sez she did it but no one bought it
she wants tracey to marry her b4 he's cooked
he sez to live on in a good life
he f'd her up and now she can be free
wtf bette davis' character is named fay
like faye wray in king kong
warden brings her out
a priest prays for him
waden lights traceys smoke
then we get the inmates and their sentences
and the title
the end
that was a good 30s film
and it was written by the real warden of sing sing
I enjoyed it
for 20 000 years in sing sing 2 i'd like for the warden to see how he was the reason tracey was getting the chair and he'd b0ne him crippled so they cant fry him as you cant execute someone unless they are healthy. tracey thinks he warden betrayed him by b0ning him crippled and vows revenge. his gf and him fuse into a hermaphrodite with the muscle and bone mass of both combined into a super human and it goes after the warden. the warden tries running through his jail using traps the inmates built into it and fighting the fused tracey/davis until it defuses and he can fist fight both. its also a 16 bit game on snes and sega genesis and plays kinda like Spider-Man vs the kingpin.

The Hunger Review

note; my spellings gotten better. but I'm no William sodomspeare
the hunger
this is my review on the hunger (1983 version)
its directed by tony scott
hes dead now
its starring david bowie
hes also dead now
its also got susan Sarandon
ew
its really really widescreen
like half the screen is black bars
it starts with this trippy weird 80s thing of bowie in some weird cage thing as the credits go by
wtf it just turned into a music video
they sing about vampires
keeps mentioning that bela Lugosi's dead he's been dead for 30 years when this film was made
it keeps cutting to people in shades
btw, the editing is really fast
it never stays on a single shot for more than a few secs
its almost like watching an anime
some people undress and I think start to b0ne
maybe just making out
we also see a monkey freekin out
wtf am I watching?!
is this a p0rn0?
something happens with the monkeys and aids blood gushes outta em
the next day this science chick sees in her lab the aids monkey ate another
or maybe it exploded
high octane aids
then some people burn a body in a big furnace
then bowie and a chick sower together and b0ne
I hate how the top half of their heads is offscreen In the black bars
the next day bowie wakes up in bed with a woman(not ringo starr or whoever was In the rolling stones he b0ned(I was born in 1987. imma 90s kid(sue me)))
in the lab the monkey has been up for 56 hours and rotted and ate his gf
to be fair; many animals practice cannibalism
its natural
animals do it
everyones a little bit cannibal
maybe there is no vegetarian or carnivore and we're all varying degrees of cannibal?
then we get an info thing of kids with progeria
a condition that causes kids to decrode into geezer like forms
the science lady wants to find a way to reverse it
the guy interviewing her sez that can be used for immortality
this kid takes a polaroid of bowie and sez he looks awful
the science lady sez this 90 year old sleeps 2 or 3 hours a night and has more energy than them
she may have some kind of hidden Ki
also if shes in her 90s in 83 that means she was from the 1800s
her grandma might've owned slaves
the girl takes a picture of a chick and sez she should say "salami" instead of cheese
sounds like a phalllic reference
btw the science lady is susan sarandin in a bad 80s haircut
I love da 80s
homie
later sarandin is at a boom signing
later the chick b0ning b0wie stops by the age test thing and a guy sez they found a way to speed up the age in monkeys but cant do the opposite
bowie talks to the chick hes b0ning about how long the others took
she sez she hopes this time is different
bowie asks who the next one is
is this about aids?
well they were b0ning a lot
we get some trippy shots of rooms lit by fire and cool blue lighted rooms
later bowie goes to the age place
he finds Sarandon and talks to her about her book
he sez she sez age can be treated like a disease
but she's busy and late
he sez yesterday he was 30 and today he has liver spots
she tells him to wait for 15 mins and ditches him
she tells her staff he's harmless and to wait until he leaves
bowie smokes but is told to put it out
and you wonder why ur rotting
Sarandon reviews a monkey gradually age and soon its up to 5 years per minute
the test sez its blood loses the ability to hold oxygen
we get a cool time lapse thing of the monkey rotting to crusty bones
later bowie is a geezer and realizes he' been f'd
as the Sarandon talks with a uy sayng how they found how to f up the clock, they need more cash
bowie looks at himself I the mirror next to a young guy
hope he don't try to b0ne him
later in the elevator he looks at a nurses t-ts
hope he don't try to b0ne her
he confronts the sarndon about her leaving him to rot for 2 hours
he should've b0ned her dead for that
his aids goo would make her rot
\later bowie shanks a guy dancing alone in a place with his ghetto blaster on roller skates and runs away
the chick who took pictures sez she cant do her music thing tomorrow as shes got a school thing
she don't recognize rotted bowie
she thinks bowie is bowies dad as they has the same eyes
he has the girl pay music and they talk about bowie
as she plays he moves around her
like a wasp about to sting
I hope he don't try to b0ne her
he grabs her and cuts her neck
no bowie!
naecrophilia is bad!
although animals do it
it is natural
and its not like eating a burger is hurting a cow
later the chick he was b0ning comes home
hly cr-p this movie's been going over half an hour
its got a slow built and good pacing
not much happens but it keeps attention
kinda like tony's bro ridley's film alien
plus both are semi p0rn0
bowie sez she sed they'd be together forever
he wants a kiss
it keeps cutting back and forth between young and rotted bowie
they kiss but she stops as she's grossed out
is this one of those p0rn0 things with a hot chick and a really gross guy?
like android 18 and bacterion from dragon ball?
bowie wants her to ice him
but she cant
she finds the photo the girls polaroid took of him b0ning her dead
so she cooks her bod in the furnace
bowie wants her to ice him and falls down crippled
but he cant bite it as somehow hes immortal
this happened in johnny quest(90s one)
to be fair; if she did ice him, he'd go to h-ll for all his b0ning and killing
which believe it or not, is actually worse
she carries him upstairs and puts him in a box
holy cr-p he looks like the dancing guy from the 6 flags adds or w/e
she puts him with the other boxes full of rotting people she gave aids to
later the Sarandon calls
I mean comes over
she tries to explain how she f'd him over w/o accepting blame
the chick sez he went to Switzerland
saranond sez they get a lotta pranks at the hospital
yeah, geezrs play pranks saying they're 30
later the cops stop by asking about the girl
later sadarond crosses the road and a trunk stops at the light as she walks by
it tries to make it look like a close call
but the light was red butt soap!
after a lot of nothing with Sarandon just existing in a room at various angles, she goes to work
she keeps answering up the phone w./o it ringing
later she goes back to the chick
they talk about ancient items
the chick plays music about some Indians from different classes who fell in love
also they were both chicks
Sarandon spills wine on her b00b and we get a slo mo scene of her changing
this is a p0rn0 isn't it??
they start making out
this chick turned Sarandon
then they go to bed and have a long weird love scene
what is this? the room by tommy wiseau?!
aso the chick drinks sarandons blood
blood and b0ning in the 80s?
sounds like aids references
we get a good transition of her arm bleeding and it going to a rare steak being cut
Sarandon is on a date with her bf(which she kinda cheated on when b0ning the chick)
her bf is suspicious about her spending 3.5 hours alone with the chick and getting an ankh necklace
if this were modern days he's suspect her of being queer
but in the 80s no one thought about it
although in the 80s, a guy wearing a neon pink pleather jacket, no shirt, nipple rings, no pants, a leather speedo, and knee high leather boots with skull kneepads, was seen as cool
now you'd think they were filming some p0rn0 nearby
later Sarandon cant eat
later a blood test sez Sarandon has 2 types of blood in her fighting
hers and another
she badly denies knowing how it got there or her arm wound where she was bit
sounds like she was sharing needles
she confronts the chick for giving her aids and the chick slams her against the wall
the chick reveals she cut them and shared blood
Sarandon leaves but the chivk sez she's gonna come back to her when THE HUNGER gets too strong
Sarandon cals a dr but he's gone home
also she looks like she's in withdrawal
she thinks she sees bowie with an ankh but its a guy with a cross
he thinks shes a junkie
some lesson for the audience eh?
remember kids, if someone looks like a junkie, they're probably under a blood spell
her bf(the dr she called) calls but shes not in
the bf goes up to see the Sarandon but we get weird trippy editing that don't make sense
then the chick wastes the bf
the Sarandon sees the chick eating the bf
but it was just a dream and the bf comes to the chicks place asking about her
she sends him to the Sarandon and Sarandon is having sn episode
as she's clutching her gut, I think her uterus is melting
she tries making out with him but tries to get him away
he sez he loves her and she does something offscreen
we get a weirdly edited scene of the chick eating a black woman
apparently she ate her bf
the chick tells her the rules on how to feed and sleep to stay young forever
she tells Sarandon shes gonna love her and they drink in a weird pose like 1 is a reverse reflection of the other
then they make out
Sarandon gets this ankh blade stuck in her neck(I think self inflicted) and she makes out with the chick while gushing blood
the chick takes Sarandon up to the room with her ex's and the room starts tilting
she sez its bowie
her rotting ex's are back as 80s effects zombies
she sez she loves em but when they try to b0ne she sez no
they swarm her and I think try b0ning her but she gets away
she falls off the rail thing and down the stairs thing ans seizures as she rotts
all the ex's fall down and shatter into crumbs
this is in slo mo with wind and birds and light
later the cop returns and this guy sez she's her real estate agent
he sez the owners bit it and the profits go to the research center
the cop sees the photo taken of the chick by the girl
then we get Sarandon in a white curtain
the chick is in a box and the Sarandon is in an apartment looking over the city
the end
wtf willem Dafoe was in this
the green goblin did p0rn0
although that Urotsukidoji II legend of the demon womb video with kohoki b0ning megumi amano was also like green goblin p0rn0
the end
wtf did I watch??
I mean its not bad
its interesting and keeps attention w/o much action
good visuals
but its got these weird love scenes
its sorta tommy wiseau
for the hunger 2 i'd like for it to be set in the distant future year of the 2020s where susan Sarandon has gone on to spread her blood thing around. she donated blood and it spread from there and caused more people to decrode and become zombies under her control. eventually, some holy men who know kung fu and have holy items take on her rotted plague minions. they go from area to area icing these abominations and freeing them from the plague. at the end of each area is an ex of hers advanced by cybernetics as its the future and its a tougher battle. its also an 8 level beat em up on sega genesis and snes and has cyborgs and robots and the Sarandon is advanced by her years of science letting her turn herself into a super forme after she gets beat 1x.

The Iron Duke Review

note; my spelling s-cked but this film aint much better

the iron duke

this is my review on the irin duke

it stars some candya66 named George arliss

its a brit film about fighting napoleon

but napoleon was the good guy!

imagine an Italian film making patton look evil

so in 1815 napoleon was captured

Prussia Russia and Austria wanna weaken france and brought back the king

ironic as after a later war, the French and russians did that to the germans

this duke who fought with or against the Spaniards or w/e is called to a meeting

btw; watching this after able gance's masterpiece napoleon shows why silent films are the best

such epic exciting editing compared to mostly still shots and brits jabbering in their creepy clockwork orange accents

so after an intro explaining who' what, the duke goes to Vienna

the rulers argue over who gets what part of napoleons empire

then they learn napoleon escaped

and the elites are afraid of him rising up and bringing em down

like celebs whining about trump

also they call napoleon "boney"

imagine if I called candy a66 trudeau "Trudy"?!

they meet with the French king and the king thinks the people will side with him

1 homie sez a soldier fights who anyone and napoleon is a soldiers idol

they want the king to skip town

this chick sez the duke wants to become the new French king

she wants them to catch napoleon alive

she wants to b0ne him?

in the commoner area a guy sez someone took 4000 men and joined napoleon

I'm having trouble keeping up with this film

its kinda cr-ppy and don't hold attention

the duke finds this boney homie named ney joined napoleon and

these characters all look and dress the same

and the public domain footage on chch is pretty cr-ppy

duke goes out in a carriage

he goes to the kings place but the king sleeps til noon and its night

what  lazy a55

aw f

we're only 13 mins in

this is gonna be a long dump

they plan to get napolepn outta paris

also the duke sez their soldiers s-ck and they gotta rely on other countries to save their candy a55

if inly aerica helped out against the brits

we could have napoleon as the next Robert e lee

the dke sez the French gotta hold back until he gets his cr-p together and get an army

also he finds when the enemy will charge and attack 5 mins sooner

what If their watches are fast?

later some chicks gush over how the duke is so cool

my a55

they find the duke pretending to be animals

is he a furry?!

the chick who gushed over him talks with him and he sez to act as if napoleon isn't out

she sez women fall in love with him

but hes gross!

if my kid looked like him i'd sew his face shut!

he sez hes gonna settle down fter beating napolen

he meets a chick and she blacks out

maybe his Ki has aids

later theres a meeting or gathering and the duke comes in

everyones dancing

he taks with the faint chick and shes some kinda obsessed fan

she sez hes a softie

then some Scotsmen come in playing bagpipes in kilts

duke finds out napoleon has taken over some place

to avoid alarm, he has his men slip away a few at a time

duke dances with the fan chick

duke leaves and with his men e determines where the battle will be

but then the band plays some song

everyone looks outside and waves to something

its the scotts

to bad the scotts and irish and napoleon didn't team up to free Europe from englind

oh and America too

the duke and friends meet and plan to take on napoleon

hes headed to brussels

I want jean claude van damme to play napoleon and go around beating up brit a55!

theres a battle in this wasteland that looks nowhere near as good as d w Griffiths birth of a nation

its just soldiers walking and some shooting and no interaction from the sides

oh ad horses running around

imagine if that horse dumped a55 on those brits!

btw the frame rate isn't very constant in this

its like they fimed the people talking and the battle in different places and in different times of day an different camera types

then we see guys running through the woods

there were no woods seen b4

then reinforcements arrive

we get a few secs of fighting and more running

remember how good able gance made napoleon look in that snowball fight?

this is just people running around n smoke

we get a distance shot of people swarming like ants

I think they won but it cost a lotta men

what a waste

a guy reads a list of high rank guys wo bit it

the duke has an episode

later he talks about how great a battle it was and how good everyone did

he wants to go home

hes told by some guy that he\s the only one who can save the French from the allies greed

as they wanna take over it and use it for their own cr-p

a fruity reporter bugs duke as he talks with fan chick but he sends him packin

later the rulers meet to decide who gets what

they wanna execute ney for siding with the losing side

but half of france is likes him

duke wants the French king back but one guy wants him out

they argue over who should do what

one guy wants to weaken france

duke sez if te do, frenchies will fight back one day

like America!

duke chats with some chivck saying he wants to make things good and return taken art

its just paper

its not like yuioh cards where you can play eachother

oh, the chick is related to marie Antoinette

she wanted ney iced but duke don't want it

later they have an opera

I loved mr rogers operas

the spoon mountain one moved me to tears when wicked knife and fork broke down

the fan chick and some other chick about letting her have a maid

trading humans like yugioh cards

how grotesque

duke and the stalker chick are recalled to England

I wasn't paying attention cuz I was reading comments on an art stream talking about sonic 2 and 3

when I got back the duke is p-ssed over something

oh, the husband of this chick he likes (the stalker chick) read a published letter about them b0ning

but she's in love with her real husband

he wants to resign but the brits need him in paris

he's his own man right?

cant he decline?

isn't he free?

oh wait

no one is free in England!

he wants to use the scandal to retire to private life

they have a trial over ney

hes charged with treason

they wanted to charge the americans for fighting against the regent too

theres a newspaper saying the duke won at something

ney is gonna get executed at sunrise

so duke races on horse to save him

after sun up he's in some place

wait

its ney about to get executed for fighting for his country

and I think the brits are wackin him

they get like 15 brits to cap him

he opens his top and sez; right through the heart!

how brave!

after he's iced the duke arrives

duke sez madame has fired her last shot

I think he's gonna ice the vengeful Frenchie

the people are rioting over the Frenchie wacking the ney guy

the French regent sees his people with disdain

that's monarchy for ja

the chick who had ney iced sez she's royal and traitors must bite it

king wants the duke back to pull his a55 outta the fire

duke comes in and sez for I'm to stop giving his droogs high rank jobs and treat the people right

if they don't, the people will wack em and maybe b0ne them dead and keep b0ning em afterward

the king signs an agreement

yeah like he's gonna keep it

I know the law sez the royals are under the same law as the people

but drugs are against the law and people still smoke chronic and heroin

duke sez the vengeful Frenchie has to go as she fights for revenge and he fights for peace

what about double dragon 2?

later a guy sez the Frenchie debt is reduced and England gets squa

someone else sez the duke saved the country

duke sez basically a good deed is its own reward

he sez he could've taken advantage of them and gotten em all rich

but it would've p-ssed everyone off and driven em all to war

lol he sez they fought tyranny

how'd he feel about America in 1776?

after the speech his sons congratulate him and they go through town in a carriage in a parade

the end

that wasn't bad

just not great

esp after napoleon (1927) was such a masterpiece

its hard to follow but theres some good parts

better than Canadian history

that grade school class s-cked!

for the iron duke 2 I want for America to free napoleon and team up with him to free Europe. using ben franklins lightning powered exosuits they can fight with the power of 5 men per soldier. the brits forge an alliance with the sasquatch population in America to have the americans kept busy with their own problems as they fight the demonic ape people. thankfully, japan joins in and helps take on the sasquatch with samurai power and ninja magic. its also a 2 player beat em up where you can choose up to 2 player characters out of American in power suit, napoleon, samurai, ninja, traitor sasquatch or traitor brit and fight through many levels to help napoleon save france and free his home country from the brits on sega genesis and super Nintendo

The Secret Garden Review

note; I don't spell bad, you need to read better
the secret garden
this is my review on the secret garden(40s version)
I only know of this as it was mentioned in the simpsons
this is my 1st time watching it so yeah
oon, mgm did this
and its based on a novel
I should've known that
make up by jack dawn
strange, that sounds somewhat familiar
it starts with hands opening a key door
then a voice over sez cholera is icing everyone
oh its some brits
they go around listing who bit it
remember that movie; love in the time of cholera?
they otta do an 80s sequel; love in the time of aids!
in 1 home this guy finds a girl singing
he only survivor
this is turning into THEM!
some of her servents bit it, others ran
after some talking and establishing who's what, she tells her shes the only one left
she reacts by busts up her room like tommy wiseau
later she's sent on a boat with child survivors
she is rich and thinks herself superior to them
oh. they were from india
back when it was under brit rule
I thought this was america
shes taken by some chick to a big house
in the old dark house they meet the uncle or w/e
wait, hes not her uncle
they said it was her uncle b4
they retconned it
this is kinda like a horror movie
love dat b/w look
she's told not to go in most of the house
she hears some sounds but is pulled back
shes told it the wind or w/e
also they locked her in her room
the next day a cockney chick comes in all cheerful and like
shes a servent to the chick who brought the girl
the girl goes mental over her pillow being on the floor
what a b--ch
she needs a good beating
this I the 1800s or w/e right?
the cockney chick (c c) sez theres a servent in there who can play or something
hard to tell with her creepy clockwork orange accent
the girl gets p-ssed over having to dress herself
4 year olds can do dat
porridge is 4 breakfast but she don't want it
so she goes to walk in the garden
its big and weird
like in the shining
she talks at a black bird
the'll fall in love later
then she seez a cockney by who likes birds
he sez they locked the "secret garden" years ago
sounds like a drug thing
oh its the c c's kid
he gives her a skipping rope
the girl never saw a skipping rope b4
then the kid disappears
later she's inside eating biscuts
the cockney chick shows her how to skip rope
also the c c has to feed her them
is she some kind of cripple?!
she hears screaming and runs
but is running toward it?!
they're probably b0ning the guy as torture
she is found by a chick and is taken back to her room
the non uncle sez her uncle wants to see her
she meets him and hes going to London soon
he sez he hoped she'd be beautiful
he wanted to b0ne her?
the next day or so shes in the outside and skipping rope
but shes s-cking at it
she hears a black bird and finds the head gardener
they talk and find the garden was locked up for a decade
also she gets along with his bird
he disappears and she tries to get into the garden
the bird finds her the key
the gardener comes back and is suspect of her
at night she gets a candle and goes around
she finds a boy in bed
they think eachother are ghosts
turns out the are cousins
the boy sez he has tantrums
he goes mental when stuff goes wrong
oh and hes a cripple
and if he grows up he'd get a back hump
they talk and he starts going mental
also his dad dont like him
she asks of the garden but he hates going out
he also hates his mom
they bond over them hating their moms and them being dead
she asks stuff and he sez he don't like people who know things he don't
so he hates everyone older than him?
this brat needs a good beating
later the girl seez the cockney kid
she tells him about the brat
but he knows
oh and she shows him the key
they go to find the secret garden but the gardner is there
they get by and find the door is sealed
but they get in
its all weedy
but plants are coming up
they find the tree that fell on and iced the cripples mom
they agree to return the next day
later the girl is telling a story of lions and elephants to the crippled kid
she realizes she's late for the gardon and he goes mental
he mocks he cockney kid for being a poor
just like how the girl did b4
what a p o s
the chick comes in and tells her to gtfo
a guy comes in and reveal hes got irons on his dead legs
oh its a dr
she goes to the garden nd helps plants grow
after a timeskip, she has a flower and as she walks in she ignores the cripple screaming
theyre b0ning his dead a55!
oh f! hes smashing things!
maybe hey should remove his arms and legs and let dogs b0ne him?
worked in violence jack!
turns out hes growing a hump
the chick blames her for it
she goes in an yells at the cripple and smashes cr-p with him
she tells him everyone hates his dead a55!
hahaha this is f'd!
he cries for sympathy saying hes gonna bite it but the girl knows better
they are 2 pair
he sez he wants to bite it so he wont be a freak
turns out the hump is just his back bone
he don't wanna be like his dad
man this kid is a malcontent cripple version of me as a teen
she tells him a story of a magic secret garden with pretty flowers
and only kids can see it
wow, this is pretty good
heart melting
later a bird and a sheep come into the crippled kids room
and a dog
the cockney kid comes in with her and show him them
oh and its a fox, not a dog
they tell him aboot da gardin
btw its in proper full screen w/o black bars
they get the cripple to swear not to tell
then the drs come in
the animals attack on dr
I assume they were b0ning him in the real version
the other dr has a good laugh and examines the boy
he sez the boy needs freash air and exercise
and fear is keeping him crippled
he orders everyone to gtfo and for the cockney kid and girl to bring him around in his wheel chair
outside he tries to walk but cant
they wheel him into the garden and the fil goes full color
I'm not big on nature cr-p
but this is nice
the crippled kid sez he shall live forever
did he turn Christian?
later (n b/w) the uncle sees the good dr
its months later and the dr sez the dad is also a problem
he sez hes going nuts and the letter almost drove him nutser
the dr sez the uncles mentalness f'd up is son
and the son is normal
later the kids are in he garden in color and the cripple kid is getting healthy
they want one of em to go mental but none of em feel like it
then the gardener finds em
he new where they were all summer
he tells em to book it
they do
he enjoys the garden
later in b/w its raining
the cockney boy crawls in her window
they go find the crippke
the cockney boy tells a story I didn't get all of
the uncle tried to chop down the tree but he couldn't and went mental
and he wants to have no one see it again and vowed to destroy it for good
the crippled kid realized his dad loved his mom a lot
the girl realizes shes a kid and don't get a lot
the crippled kid talks about how the story of the secret garden was only for kids
and it'll be a long time b4 they're grown up
the uncle comes in and sez he's taking him to Italy and gonna sell the home
the kid goes nuts
the uncle wants to make up for being so cr-ppy
later the uncle talks to the guy buying the home
the buyer hopes the place has ghosts
he reveals he saw the secret garden and its beautiful
the uncle freaks out and sez hes leaving the house to avoid insanity
he goes to the garden but the gardner tells him not to
he sez he'd kill the gardner if he don't gtfo
he gos in the garden and its color
also the cripple can walk
tis is beautiful
he walks to the uncle and they hug
his heart is healed
that was beautiful
I got teary eyed from it
the end
what a beautiful film
they don't make em this good anymore
no bad romance tacked on or forced sad moment
just a gentle wonderful story
I love it
now to ruin it with a cr-ppy sequel idea
for the secret garden 2 i'd want for it to be set in the future where the kds are edgy hormonal unbalanced teens and the uncle has to unlock their hearts from malcontentary. also the girl is pregnant but don't know if its the poor cockney boy or the ex cripple(who is now a big buff body builder and eats only live animals to build more muscle out of fear of being crippled again)

The Terminal Man Review

note; my new comp's keyboard is queering out. more typoes than usual in here

the terminal man

this is my review on the terminal man(70s version)

its based on a sci fi novel by some nerd

oh f

Michael Crichton did this?!

he was cool in a lot of his cr-p

I thought it was by Arthur c clark or issac azimov

this film is directed by the guy who did the 1980 flash Gordon

it starts with a helicopter gradually taking off

then a guy looking at photos

they mention there was a car accident

some guy got brain damaged and beat up his woman

2-4 million Americanos have these seizures

1 chick with these seizures went out and b0ned like a dozen guys

beating up chicks?

b0ning a dozen guys?

did tommy wiseau see this film?

I knew a girl. she had a dozen guys. 1 of em found out. beat her up so bad she wound up in a hospital in goo rare oh street

ahahahaha; what a story mark!

so theres a surgery that can help these people but its never been dome on humans

so they bring a guy in cuffs in a wheel chair in and uncuff him

along the way in the guy talks about a computer

in his room he sez the bed will have to go

is he gonna j-zz in it?

a nurse sez the guy has black outs and don't recall what happened

he tried to ice several people

the nurse sez a guy sed machines were competing with humans and were gonna take over the world

wait

its the same guy

his brain damage gives him seizures that make him go berserk

one treatment is to use a drug that kills his male hormones

they're gonna turn him into a hermaphrodite!

its cool devices all over again!

oh and b4 he has blackouts he smells something

they interview him in a room of drs or students

this guard is briefed that tomorrow the guy is getting brain surgery

they're gonna lobotomize him!

like how j fk's dad had his slow daughter lobotomized!

that c-ck s-cker!

actually they're gonna install a computer in him to shock his brain when he has a seizure

a dr sez this surgery Is a bad idea as the guy is afraid of machines

he sez lobotomies were seen as good in the past as dr's want easier to control patients

and only stopped when they got better drugs

human beings are valuable and irreplaceable

to f with them for cr-p like this is wrong

I mean yeah medical science has elongated our life spans

but theres a limit

ewwww

the sound the razor makes while having his head

gross

barf a rama

blades of aids

gag me with a spoon

and other 80s/90s phrases

imagine if they were shaving his parts!!

ewwwwwwwww

so they get him on the table and put his head in a vice

he has a local anesthetic as the brain has no pain nerves and they can cut into it w/o him feeling anything

like in Hannibal where he fed that guy his brains

we don't directly see the operation but we har things of them cutting his head

ooh, they use a power drill

like that guy in the daren arronovsky film Pi

they implant electrodes in his brains

something f's up and an alarm goes off

the electrode nearly hit a blood vessel

so they fix it

hah!

imagine if the dr was stressed and couldn't take it and just starts shanking the guys brain!

or worse yet

b0ning it!!

or he gets p-ssed off and just goes

f it

and busts the guys head with a sledge hammer

back in high school a guy was hit by a car and broke a leg.

i had an idea where we recreate the surgery

where we play the dr's with masks on and use kfc for the leg

and do things like sneezing on the open leg

and getting mad at it and stabbing it up

and spitting in the surgery room

and ending with us eating a bit of the leg.

then we show the tape to him and say; this is your surgery!

over the film we keep getting glimpses of some dr eye looking in a hole and saying cr-p

after the surgery we see some drs looking in a room with some chick

they bring in the guy and talk to him as they gradually turn on electrodes in his brain

the 1st electrode makes him feel like hes eating a ham sandwitch

but its not kosher!

the 2nd one makes him fee like he has to whiz

we skip a few and on 7 he becomes 5 years old and wants his mommy to make him milk and cookies

this is f'd up

another electrode makes him feel awful and unhappy

we skip to 31 and it makes him feel good

oop

hes kinda lusty

they go to 32 and he lols

1 dr sez its amusing

they decide to cause a seizure

1st they needle his neck muscle

he smells it

an alarm goes off but the computer stops it

at a social gathering a dr trying to seduce a girl sez he could put a wire In her brain and make her wanna b0ne him

a dr sez the guy's brain likes being shocked by electrodes and is causing more seizures to get more shocks

well

they f'd up now

they made him the hulk

this is just like how comic book heroes (and villains ) start

they check on him and he's gone

that's the thing

just cuz it works on animal don't mean it works on humans

human are different

I mean yeah some animals have higher intelligence than others

like octopi are smarter than apes

and pigs are smarter than dogs

but they pale in comparison to a fully formed human

he gets in a car with a chick wearing a blonde wig

turns out; he wasn't taking his tranquilizers

and the computer simulates at 3;02 am hes gonna go off

turns out; he had a strpper as a gf bringing him stuff and she picked him up

did this just turn into a p0rn0?

we et a scene in a strp club and a guy undressing a black chick in a nurse outfit

for some reason; all the guys in the club are in suits

how classy the sleaze was in the 70s

the strpper gf comes up to this room with a tape recording about scientology

wait

I think its someone else

the gf finds out he has bandages on his head

in this class or something these people watch taps ofv the guy giving an interview about his insanity

a cop whines that they didn't put out an APB on him and they could've had him in by now

after probably b0ning offscreen, the gf is in the room and the tv comes on

in an interview the gy sez he as catholic but don't like the rituals

thats racist

at 3 02 the guy activates and starts going weird

it looks like his heads gonna explode

he smells it

the tagline for this movie should be; he smells trouble!

he then slugs out his strpper gf and stabs her in the uterus

so stabs the bed

its a waterbed

tis is done to piano and slow mo

is this clockwork orange?

we get slow mo blood and water filling the cracks in the tile floor

like psycho

the next episode is at 6 something am

now these an APB out on him

they find the strpper gf and he kept stabbing like a machine

is this a reverse Robocop?

instead of a metal man with a human BRAIN protecting the law

we have a human with a metal brain wasting em

in a computer place he beats machines and screams; let is stop!

in a church a priest give mass

hes catholic

I recognize the mass style

and the guy is there

btw, if the guy as jewish or mus lim there would be a lot of accusations of "racism" as "you cant have a bad guy of those groups"

but catholics are ok

the guy begs the priest to help him

but he has an episode and goes mental

the chick (I think the nurse from b4) takes a shower b4 going over

cuz if theres a maniac killer out there, you wanna smell good

we dont see her t-ts or anything but after the shower the guy arrives

she makes A call but the phone there is off the hook

a computer guy sez the attack ae happening more often and the nxt attack is in a few mins

the chick talks with the guy

she otta just ice him

he's gonna kill again

if some animal is trying to ice u, you gotta fight back

the guy knows where all the dr's lived as he learned b4 the operation

hes paranoid

its like something dale from king of the hill would do

he sez is memory tapes were erased and theres just static

se sez hes not a machine

a kettle goes of and she gets a knife

she shanks him but he has an episode and she locks herself in  the shower

in his berserk fury he freekin breaks through the door with his arm!

good f!

he collapses and she goes to check on him

he sez he feels awful

he leaves

a guy I don't recognize sez that violent people have brain problems and he can treat em

one reporter asks if that's "mind control"

he sez; what about compulsory education

a man sees the guy walking through a graveyand

hes lolling

he goes into an open grave and starts freakin out

some mexicans arrive to bury someone and find him

the chick arrives and tries to help him

a chopper* flies overhead and a cop inside caps his a55

the should've busted his head open

splatter like a watermelon

a dr eye looks into a hole and sez; they want you next

then the chopper that took off at the start of the film lands

the end

that was pretty good

I would've added more gore and cr-p but this was ok

I sorta like 70s films

good message about not f ing with peoples minds

btw the whole "asking his mommy at age 5" and "computer brain" thing was used in that batman beyond episode where that guy's brainwaves were stored on a computer and got into the batsuit

for the terminal man 2 i'd like for the guy from the 1st film to hav been kept alive as a pile of organs I a machine as they f with his brain to find way's to control him better. its done as a way to make themselves look better after the failure of his 1y st run. eventually his soul builds up enough KI to overpower the machines to gain control over the computers and rebuild his body as a giant mechanical golem wit his soul and organs safely hidden inside. he then gets revenge and goes around bustin the city and people that turned him into this... ABOMINATION!

Adventures Of Don Juan Review

note; spelling bad is fun!

adventures of don juan

this is my review on adventures of don juan(the 1948 version)

was this based on a true story?

errol Flynn does a lotta historical films

most are fun

I saw the 20s version of don juan and it was pretty good

kinda dark and serious though

this movie is more jolly

I love how its in proper correct fullscreen and bold vivid color

ooh, alan hale is in this

and max steiner is the music man

so we get narration of Europe in the 1600s improving

and I London in the summer, a guy is trying to b0ne someone

its errol Flynn and he's after this long haired red head

they talk all mushy and romantic

and make out

he sez he's only her's but she sez he b0ned a lot more

then he finds she has a husband

this just turned springer

don is uneasy but she sez the husband is hunting

then he comes inwith a bird he iced

things escalate and they swordfight

don easily wins

he tells the man he's been not spending enough time with his woman

he tells the husband should be nicer to her

then books it

his chubby homie is waiting for him

they have an epic chase in the woods

what fun

they are stopped by brittish guards waiting to escort the duke of some spain thing

don and homie play it up to make em thing he's the duke

they take him and say his bride is waiting

the next day they arrive in this place with a lotta people cheering

meanwhile, the bride is malcontent over marryng a man she don't know

its an arranged marriage to ensure peace between England and spain

like with king Solomon and his women

or in nobunaga's ambition where you can marry your men to brides to ensure peace

the bride recognizes don from somewhere

they meet and she remembers b0ning him in Venice

but its really paris and she was testing him

she get's p-ssed off over him not remembering her

then locks the door and makes out with him

I assume they were b0ning in the real version

and the dad bangs on the door

he has the real duke

and they find out he's don juan

the real duke wants to waste him for being a bad Spaniard

he's arrested and is bugged by how he cant recall a chick he b0ned 4 months ago

later he's paroled to the Spanish ambassador

the ambassador whines about don screwing up peace between spain and England

but England is the bad guy!

do sez its not fair that guys are b0ning all the time

but if he bows to a chick her fam wants him lynched

holy cr-p its already 20 mins?

that felt like nothing

the ambassador was chums with dons dad and wants him back to spain

hes told to something about queen Margret

don returns to madrid and everyones bummed

they go to an inn as all the other inns are taxed out

he flirts with the ins daughter but the mom warns her as don juan is returning to spain

then the ministers men arrive and want volunteers for the draft

they start taking people aainst their will and roughing em up like brits or something

so don fights em

I love the action and skill of this swordfight

he smashes a vase on one guy like in batman and robin on sega genesis

he drives em out

the people cheer and thank him

after they find out he's don juan, they still love him

they chat and find out the king is kind of an a55

we see the king with a midget and they are painting him on a fake horse

I assume they were b0ning in the real version

the king seems jolly but not srs

the minister(who is also a duke but imma call him minister to not mix it up(hope the duke from b4 dont return)) tries to get the king to go to war

he also wants to boost taxes and recall a guy who is being paid or something

the duke wants(I'm calling him duke now cuz its easier to spell) to take over the world

the king signs the paper

the queen Margret comes in and is aware of the dukes plans

don arrives and the queen sez his rep is f'd

she whines about him ruining the planned marriage

he sez it wasn't gonna work as the people need love

the king comes in as does the duke

theres some back and forth as don is a lively foil to the dukes serious stiffness

don tells of the dukes men jacking guys for the navy

duke sez its just don trying to keep the heat off him

I love how you can tell that the duke is the bad guy

dark hair/eyes/clothes

its like that guy from star wars

king/dke leave and queen makes don a sword instructor

later the duke plans something about the guy returning

oh its the ambassador

the dukes men take the carriage the ambasaador is in and waste his men

later the duke visits the ambassador in the dungeon

he wants the ambassadors money

the ambassador sez no

duke sez he's gonna ice da queen if she gets in his way and he's gonna torture the ambassador

they're probably gonna b0ne him

they lock him up and take the ring he got from the queen

later the fat homie is shaving don and he does it himself

I think the fatty is alan hale

later don is training the Spaniards how to swordfight

reminds me of my aikido days learning how to use a wood katana

imagine a Spaniard fencer vs a samurai

sounds like samurai shodown

oh, it seems that don was helping the regular trainer train em

the trainer sez don is the best sword guy since the duke

and the duke is the best sword guy around

that means he's gonna fight him

don sez he's gonna train the midget how to sword

don talks with the queen about the ambassador

te queen sez she remembered a story of the ambassador trying to find the fountain of youth

don sez he don't wanna redo his mistakes again

I don't wanna be berried

in a pet, semartary!

the queen and the don agree to be friends

later don goes to see the duke

btw I love the sets in here

real matter and epic big rooms full of made scenery

duke offers to give don power and rank

but he wants don to do stuff for him

this sounds like the stuff that got trump to win

as in; his opponent was too crooked to be trusted

he wants him to get more men for the navy

don sez he don't consent

the duke cuts dons clothes

and he sez he's gonna cut deeper next time

later duke gives consent to torture the ambassador as he wont tell

don and the midget go to see the queen but the midget leaves with a chick for "a garden walk"

I think that's slang for b0ning

the queen knows of the dukes plans

the queen later asks if don misses the life he lead

as in now hes not out b0ning every chick he finds

don sez he had this ideal woman he always wanted to have

now he found her

they go back and forth

its obviously the queen

he sez she taught him virtue, wisdom and dignity

he says nice things but the queen gets defensive

she thinks he's just trying to b0ne her

I like how everyone has one shoulder capes

its like escaflowne

later don is training the swordsmen

he gives a demonstration with a guy using a rapier as an axe

also theres a lotta chix watching the sword lessons

they are here to see don

don is bummed over the one chick he liked turning him down

this chick flirts with don

she leaves her fan with him and wants him to return it

later don is in a garden with her

his head is n her lap and he's laying on a bench

she sez she's getting married tomorrow

he gets flustered

she sez she wanted a good memory b4 marrying the guy

she's getting hitched to a guy cuz the queen wanted to boost alliances

don leaves but runs into the count(the guy she's gonna marry)

don sez he's here to give her bro a fencing lesson

he wants to fight don

don asks if they can settLe it IN ANOTHER WAY

I didn't know don was into that

THEY KUNG FU FIGHT

I mean sword fight

he sez the queen will hear of it

the queen b--ches about it but the midget sez don wasn't into the other chix

but the sister of the guy seduced him

the king and duke come in and say they're gonna kick don outta spain and to America

but don is gone

back at the inn he as in b4, don is wearing a rope

like rei in hokuto no ken

he's planning on escaping

the guy from the dungeon flirts with don thinking he's a chick

he tries to sell don the queen ring he got from the ambassador

oh and he's drunk

he tries again but this time don sees it

don gets him outside and interrogates him

he finds the duke has the ambasaador in the dungeon of a place

they swipe some horses and escape

he gets to the kings place and tells em

they go to ave the ambassador but the duke and guards arrive

don surrenders but the duke takes over

he has the don takes away to be executed later

why not ice him now?

the duke hostages the queen to make the king his b--ch

don wakes up I prison and the guy who had the ring taunts him

he sees the ambassador but he's busted up

don grabs the rig guy but his arm gets beat

he then hears the ambassador screaming

they're b0ning him

later these priests come in to give don last rites

but its really the sword trainer guy and his fat homie

later they come out ,bust the guard, and free don

they free the ambassador b kicking the guards into the cell and b0ning them down offscreen

wait

they just did that to clear out the guards and get the keys

they find the ambassador being tortured on the rack with hot pokers

don and friends waste the guards and don fights and wastes the ring guy

they escape

later the queen is in a cathedral or chapel and praying

don meets with the guys he trained and plans a counter to win back freedom

the midget sez everyone knows he got out and the duke is on the edge

but theres a way in the palace in this wall

duke wants to have the king sign over his country to him

but the queen wont go with it

so duke takes her

the midget lures out a guard and the guard is iced

when the other guard comes out, he too gets it

the midget asks where the queen is and the guards say the chapel

then more men come in

good guys

do sneaks men by and when guards come, they get it

more men come out and they sword fight

I like how the good guys ice people

nowadays they'd make some candy a55 way of having the bad guys wack themselves

also the midget sticks his sword up a guy's a55

the midget tells don the queen is being taken to the dungeon place

in one scene don dumps a flaming wall carpet on the guards

do faces the mini boss(the dukes main man)

he wins easy

don the faces the duke in an epic battle

btw the music is really great

duke pulls a dagger on don but he can take it

miniboss throws a dagger at don but don gets it and uses it

don shanks the duke with a blade of his own will on purpose

no cheap way of making it the bad guy's accidental suicide

don meets with queen and they kiss

don is leaving as he cant have the queen

after some mushy lovey dovey talk, the queen sez madrid is better after he was in it

she wants to go with him but don sez no

later don is out with his homie and they might go to a university to write his memoirs

on the way there he passes a chick and goes after her

he sez theres a little don juan in every man

and as he's don juan theres more in him

he rides off after the chick

the end

that was fun

upbeat, happy, positive, no forced sad moment

plus cool sword fights and good wit

the sets and music was great

and the color was bright

I enjoyed it

this is based on actual events right?

also I notice the whole "loves one chick he cant have but goes out b0ning others" thing was used in hokuto no ken with jyuuza

for don juan 2 id like it if the queen has found out the king is secretly queer after she caught him b0ning the midget and she goes off to find the don juan. the rest of the movie is her going from place to place trying to find him and fixing issues with the village like malcontent rulers and wasteland warriors

Deliverance Review

note; yeah I spell bad. but I beat over 100 sega genesis games! so I win!

deliverance

this is my review on deliverance

it starts with some guys camping complaining about progress overcoming nature being bad

hippies

hope someone butt b0nes em dead

jk

we get a lot of landscape shots

and a few construction ones

holy f

Wallace Worsley was on this

I assume its his son

the campers ask if theres any hillbillies out there

is this gonna be like wrong turn 1-6?

I liked the 1st one

and wanna see the other 5

they meet a guy at a wood building and he asks em if they are from the power company

these campers (in Atlanta(a confederate state))view themselfes as superior to the jolly simple folk living in the area

ohhh

I think 1 guy is inbred

they play "dueling banjo's" with the inbred guy

I actually like this

its simple and complex

1 guy wants drivers for something and this guy sez to get the grinder bros

super grinder bros 64

sounds like a p0rn0

dueling banjo' picks up and gets epic

some guys dance to it

this place reminds me of my grampa's farm in Canada

with the used license plates and earthy tones and wood everywhere

after the song, they go an 2 guys talk about insurance

they see an old lady who probably remembers the slavery days

they meet a redneck and ask him to drive their cars t where they are gonna canoe to

the redneck sez they shouldn't

he offers 30$ to drive the cars but the redneck wants 50$

he sez; 50 my a55 and they agree to do it for 40$

these city slickers think they are better than the kindly rednecks

the main guys drive around but cant find the river

the main guys are burt reynolds and jon Voight

bimmy and jimmy

burt looks like stevan segall

they find the river

burt sez; u gotta lose urself to find anything

brt sez in a few months the river will be done

good

as they set up the canoe one guy worries the cars might not be there when they're done

how honest people were in the 70s

if this were new York or California; the cars would be stolen and b0ned

they canoe

along the way they see the inbred banjo player on a bridge above em

they go through some rough water

after that they chat about life

burt asks jon why he goes on trips with him

burt catches a fish with a bow and arrow

elf style

at night they think they hear something but aint sure

its bigfoot!

its gonna b0ne em!

the next day jon sees a deer and nearly arrowed it

but f's up

he returns to camp and they chat about how some people cant kill animals

they canoe out

jon and the fatty meet some hicks and they say the river they on is going the wrong direction

the city boys assume the hicks have a still and are making moonshine

the hicks take offense

things escalate and the hicks take em a few feet away

they tie up 1 guy and hold the fatty at gunpoint

if the city guys had a firearm they could defend themselves

the hicks get fatty to undress and cut jon with a knife

the hick then b0nes fatty while having some animal rolepay

wants him to "squeal like a pig"

does this mean he likes b0ning pigs?

they both make pig sounds during the b0ning

man this is f'd up

we never see the parts though

jon notices the other 2 guys going by in the canoe

the hicks untie jon and say he's got a pretty mouth

at gunpoint they get ready to b0ne his mouth butt burt ices the hick with a bow/arrow

the bad teeth hick books it but the arrowed one bites it

burt sez the hicks would've iced em

1 guy wants to come clean to the cops

burt sez if they do so, the jury trial might have his inbred relatives in it

the guy sez hiding a body sets him up for a murder charge and this aint a game

burt wants to get rid of the body

this is like I know what you did last summer

he sez the hick wont go to the cops as he'd have to mention his b0ning

its said the hick might return with more guys

as in a few months the whole area will be a lake, it makes sense to bury him

they decide to vote

democracy doesn't always mean whats right

the fatty sez he don't want word getting out about him being b0ned

and jon chooses to bury him

they carry his body over a river and through the woods

they dig a shallow grave with their bare hands

you know, they could cook and eat him

that'll dispose of the evidence

I wonder what happened to that hicks family?

he may have sodamized a guy but i'm sure he had people who cared for him

they go through the river but the guy who wanted to come clean don't wear a life jacket

he falls in and the canoe he was in busts on the rocks

they go into the river

wait

its just jon

he goes through the rocks and water

wait

all of em went in the water

the gang reunites except the gut who went in 1st

they say he was shot

j fk time!

burt Reynolds busts his legs and jon Voight tries in vein to save the guy

fatty sez the guy from b4 with bad teeth iced the guy who went in

and he's up there waiting for em

fatty wants to send jon out but he cant make it on his own

they're trapped and only jon can take out the hick

he knows where they are

so they know where he's gonna be

jon goes up at night with a bow/arrow

he wakes up the next day and sees someone with a gun

he struggles with aiming and flails around

the guy shoots at him and he falls and gets skewered with an arrow

the guy comes for him but bites it as he had an arrow in his neck

jon Voight notices the guy has teeth so its not the guy from b4

but then notices they are fake

he lowers the body down on a rope and goes down on the rope

but the rope breaks and they go into the water

fatty helps him out and asks if its the guy from b4

neither know

they dump the body and leave with burt in the surviving canoe

as they go on they find the twisted bod of the guy who went in from being shot

it has a wound that might be from the bullet or a rock

as people can tell which it is, they ditch his body in the river

aw f

he had a fam

jon sez; he was the best of us

imagine if they said; see you in h-ll!

they go through rough water

they reach the end

jon sez to agree that right around there the guy broke his leg and the guy bit it

so the cops don't look up river

they travel further

they get to a place with people and go to the hospital

after getting patched up they has dinner with some hicks and jon has issues

some lady talks about a foot long cucumber

later fatty sez they cops don't believe em

fatty and jon fight a bit over what he told em and about finding the canoe upstream

one hick sez the guys are lying

his relative is missing from hunting upstream days ago

later this hick drives em through the empty part of town and sez its gonna be covered in water

some buildings are being moved

they visit burt Reynolds and he might lose the busted leg

he tells jon Voight he don't recall anything from the last set of rapids

theres a cop behind em btw

fatty offers to drive back the iced guys car but jon does it

a cop talks to em about why they have 4 life jackets

jon sez the guy wasn't wearing his

the cop tells em to never return

later jon is in the woods by the river and sees em moving coffins

later he is seen with his fam and he later sees a hand emerging from the water

he wakes up

its just like Friday the 13th

the film ends with the water

that was pretty good

low speed and good pacing

good build up

no loud hard moments

no sad moment or tacked on love story

its automatically better than most films today

for deliverance 2 i'd like for the hick they iced's body to float up to the surface and its found by a southern witch. she uses a spell to bring it back ad she can sense it bit it in a state of anger. she brings it back as a rotting mess who goes around b0ning people dead. it can sense the guys who were there and buried him and hunts em down one at a time and b0nes em dead. burt Reynolds character committed seppuku as he couldn't handle being an amputee and jo Voight's character was b0ned so hard he ruptured and splattered. when he gets to fatty, fatty uses holy items and is able to send the rotting b0ning monster back to h-ll after an epic battle as he is now a big buff hulk Hogan guy who trained after being b0ned so he wouldn't get b0ned again.