Sunday, December 1, 2019

A Knights Tale Review

Note: I spell as good as ths movie isa at being historical
A Knights Tale
This is my review of A Knights Tale from 2001 (The year The GameCube Came Out
Its got Heath Ledger and no one else wjjo did anything i'd know them for and was directed by the guy who did Payback with Mel Gibson (Who was in The Patriot with Heath Ledger)
I saw this b4 but dat was years ago
it starts with text about jousting and this nobody became a champion
so heath and friends find a dead guy in armor
wait, it was the guy they needed to win a thing for
1 homie starts beating on the body in anger as he hadent eaten in 3 days and needed cash
in the real version he was probably eating him
so heath takes armor and goes in his place even though u gotta be of nooble birth to compete
then opening credits to the queen song; we will rock u
homies explain da roolz to heeth and they joust
heath ledger takes a lance to da faceand wins
he claims the helmet is too busted to take off and accepts his prize
they sell the prize and heath deides to go to a real tournament to have a good destiny
eventually he gets his homies to use their cash to get to training and we getta montage to 90s music
later they come by a naked man who got f'd out
turns out hrs a writer who is based on the writer of this story the movie was based on from the castlevania days
they get him to fake documents for being of noble birth
at the rennocaunce fair or w/e heath meets a girl he likes and follows her on his horse like a stalker
imagine driving a car behind a chick you like and driving into a church for her?
so later heath wins his match and goes to the sword contest
but his armor is f;d and its gonna interfere with his fight
but it turns out that writer owes a lot from gambling and sez heath will pay for it
oh and hes naked again
they are gonna chop him up so heath agrees to pay for it and they release him
then theres the sword fight and its like a wwf match
he wins and writer is all dwane johnson and proootes heath
then a montage of heath knighting to takin care of bousiness
heaths armor cracks and they need cash to fix it
isnt there some OTHER way he could pay you???
maybe he can turn to crime and get it
but they get a chick black smith to fix it
some guy (probably the bad guy) hits on the chick heath is gay for and seems slimy
then the heath the ledger hits on her and bad guy and heath take jabs at each other
b4 the next match, writer goes on about a fake backstory for heath likea bad wwf
during the battle the bad guy noteas how fearless heath's fighting style is as he don't look away to shield his eyes from spplinters
heath shows mercy in the fight like hes goku or soomething (note; dbz was big when this came out(note; its always big!))
so chick dont care what bad guy thinks of her as hes an a55 (Michael keaton in shakespere: Let the record show that he called ME an a55!!)
later its day again and chiick gives heath a cloth thing to wear as a token and tells her mame
actually its her slave who does it
so heah faces bad guy and bad guy gets shanked by a splinter
nude scenes!
naked minerva mink!!
]actually we do see the writers a55
but spongebob has butts
so heath takes a head shot and has viet nam flashbacks to his childhood where he wanted to be a knight and his dad was encouraging of his sons deisres
so bad guy snagged the cloth and i think he beat the heath
bad guy; see me again when ur worthy
what is this? a jrpg?
is this breath of fire 2 where you face this daemon at the start and gert ur a55 kicked and spend the rest of the game building up ur ki to rematch??!
so heath does well and makes cash in swordplay but he wants to stop swording
latr writer tells the guys he owes cash to that he's gonna write cr-p about them in his fanfics
later chick slave wants to know what heath will wear so she can match for the dance
later heath is trained in dance kung fu and writer keeps p-ssing off a homie and getting nailed by him
they get black smith chick to teach him
at da dance heeth sez  chick reminds him of The Bible when The Creator stopped the sun for a while as he wants the night to last longer with her
then they dance and its got modern music
they should've had some mc hammer
black smith chick puts da nike logo on heathes new armor and its better than ever
new generation veritech for the battles with the invid
then its bother tourney and the heeth faces a guy who taxes his people to pay for his cr-p
as taxation is theft, heath kicked his a55
latter bad guy i think surrenders sohe wont face the black prince (not the little red corvette guy) who is gonna be king of soviet england one day
heeth faces him and they are equal
prince ed gein is a good guy and a good sport and surrenders so heeth can go on as no one will trat him like an equal as soviet england is subserviant to the regent
heeth is malcontent as he didnt beet bad guy and isnt really champ
what is this? rocky V?
is heath tommy gunn?
will he get aids?
find out today, on dragon ball z!!
so heeth has an issue with chicks slave whining about flowers or something gay and heeth gets b--chy
also bad guy and prince go to fifht some war witrh some dinks or w/e
while out, bad guy figgerz out heeth is faking nobility
a class system based on birth?
thatsa un american!
its english and indian!!
look how Dr Ben Carson went from nobody in the slums to World Renound brain surgeon who saved hids lives, and almost president!
they'd never let that happen in a bad country
so heeth sends cr-ppy poems to chick and it wins her back
later its soviet paris soviet france and theres a gguy telling the Bible story of Peter denying x3 before the rooster crows
lots of biblee  refs in here
they'd censor that today for fear of offending deniars
like yugioh and nintendo censring crosses and stars of david
so in a bar the frenchies bet that one of their kind will win the tourney and they bet all their cash that heeth will win
laterheeth meets chick in chuch and he sez he's gonna win da turny in her name
she wants poems from him and hes not in da mood
he sarts talking about her b00bs being under her throat and she wants him to throw the tournament to lose it in her name as it shows she cares more for her than him
she gets pretty b-chy too
the chick looks like the mila unis chick from dat 70s show
so heeth purposly f's out of his rounds for her
this reminds me of west side stry how the chick interfered in the fistfight and it lead to people getting iced
chicks just dont get dude things
so after getting fd for her and getting his arm tuned up, chick slave tells heath to win the toueney to proove his love
crazy chick alwahys changing her mimnd!
so heeth wins and heeth is hedded to da world champoinship
oh and they won da bette
at night chick comes to see heeth and they b0ne
later at night on a boat in a misty harbor, heeth flashbacks to childhood and his dad sellshim to this dude who i think bit it in the opening
also his young homies are there
dad does this to give heeth a good life
then they return to soviet london to the song the boys are back in town
also bad guy is there as he and his men were murdering, pillaging, raeping and looting places.
so its like when people go on a riot and tyear apart their own town cuz some junkie got capped by a cop
and bad guy is negotiating with chicks dad to wed and breed wirh her
if this was a video game, the bad ending woyld have him laughing as the chick is chained to her bed and hyper pregnant as he laughs and feeds her his slaves.
later heeth gooes to his childhood home and meets a little girl fan whohe sharres his dark secret that hes from this cessppoole
he asks her of his dad and lttle girl sez hes still here but his eyesare f'd
heeth seez him and dont let on hes his son
he tells dad that hearh changed hisstars and did well
they reunite and know each othwr as dad and boy
its kinda moving
also their name is thatcher like the only good prime minister who beat da commies
heeth fixes his dads roof and bad guy sees
next day writer and chick say the heads have caught onto heaths lies and are gonna arrest him for lying
his homies say he otta book it bit he is so obcessed by this knight cr-p and goes out as hes too full of his own sh-t
so he gets arrested and is tied up in the dungeon
imagine if they had a thing where he was chained up on the jousting field and bag guy ran a lance up his a55?
so bad guy goes to him and beats on him
so hes put up in stocks and little c-ck suckers smack his head
his homies stand up 4 him and the crowd who used to love him, throws rotting cr-p on them
but prince edwardo comes up and sets him free for being knightly
ed elric sez his personal historians say heeth is from an anicent royal line and  he makes heeth a real knight
he did literally nothing and the plot fixed his issue
so heeth faces bad guy and bad guy has his lance given a spike
they clash and heeth gets a big a55 vampire stake in his shoulder
homie yanks it out and they go again but heeth drops his lance cuz his arm is f'd
heeth is told his gf and dad are here (but his dads eyes are f;d!! he wont know whats going on!! what next? a radio for deaf guys?!)
so heeth cant hold his lance so they strap it on his arm
to buy/eat time, writer does a wwf intro for heeth about him being a home town boy
now everyone knows his real name and heeth battles w/o armor cuz hes a freekin idiot
thwy clash and heeth knocks bad guy off his horses a55 and wins in 1 hit lke exodia or yusei vs skeleton knight in the 5ds manga
oh and heeth yells WILLIAM like hes bravehrart as he wins
wtf the movie just went super widecreen tio have heeth kitching the chick and credits roll to AC/DC and We Are The Champions
the end
that as fun
nice, positive, good lighting and coloring and camwra woek
good music that makes you feel good
it may not fit the time peroid but it fits the movie
its a good 90s style movie with 80s music and a simp;le stoey
its got good flow and dont feel like 3 hours with adds
oh and after da credits, the gang has a pooting contest
good film thats sunny and upbeat and its just enjoyable
for a knights tale 2 i want it to be where heath is on a knight mission with the prince to a foreign land and fights a bunch of dragons and dragon people. its also a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar and gba where 1 player is heath ledger and 1 is the prince. also thre bad guy from the 1st movie is revealed to be a dragomnam and was the reason tey went there as a trap to take e outy and take over.

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