Friday, December 6, 2019

Sixteen Candles Review

note; i'm reviewing this for my cool 90s aunt, but i still spell a55
sixteen candles
this is my review on 16 candles from 1984
its by john hugghes and starrs molly ringwald, anthony michael hall and has john cusack with brian doyle murrey and zelda rubinstein from that horror movie that killed all those people
my cool 90s aunt was a teen when this came out and this is her fave fim
time to cr-p all over it
i saw this b4 but i dont think i ever saw it start to end
so it starts with an 80s fam getting ready for a wedding
wedding is defined as; the removal of weeds from the garden
molly is turning 16 and dont like her bod
better eat and get fat to get curves
she's probably gonna be a surgery junkie like on maury with that chick with the P cups
the grandparetns are comming soon and mollys kid bro and sis are brats and her big sis is getting married
she dont fit in and things go cr-ppy for her
is this home alone?!
oh and they forggot her b day
then we get credits as kids go to 80s school to learn abotu the USSR and they actually look cool instead of a buncha fruity losers like the andi mack dinks
bbtw this is fullscreen so no black bars
molly chats with her homie andwanted a b day party
in class theres no lesson and the teens pass notes as cellphones aint canon and ask about b0ning
molly passes a note but the guy jake ryan (jack ryan?! the guy from dat thing?!) gets it
jake knows and chats with his home but hes like 18 and legally a man and shes 16 and legally the same as a grade schooler
in the shower, molly and homie chexk out jakes gf and comment on her on screen nude bod
nowaday's they be into her and she'd be from the 3rd world
later on da bus, 80s candya66 and 90s bada66 anthony michael hallhits on her
nowadyas he's be seen as some kinda secks offender for asking a gurl if she has a bf
she tellls that beta male off and calls him a faeg (which would be shown as similar to slave owning if said today)
at home gert grandparents are in her room and in undies
she aint big on spending time with em cuz shes kind of a b--ch and is lucky to have grandparents
hwr other grandparents i think (maybe ants and uncle) oh it is ger grandpma, comment on and feel her t-ts
also theres an asian guy named long duk dong whos an exchance student and probably in p0rn0
they say he's chinese but dong is more of a korean name
wang is chinese
so molly chats with her big sis about her guy issues and she dont care
huh, dongs actor is japanese
thats racist!!
what next? polish wedding being played by irishmen?!
so molly and homie and the dong go to the dance
also hall and his nerd a55 friends are checking out chix and he wants to b0ne molly
btw, remember that beyblade episode 13 candles where tyson had his birthday and was in a blading tourney?
hall dances all spazzy (which fits for 80s films) and she runs off before he infects her with his loser aids
hll bets his homies a dozen floppy disks that he cant do anything with her and to proove it, he needs girls undies
what is this?! dragon ball?!
the 80s were lusty
oh and dong is got his head in a tall chicks b00bs and they get along
small asian guy and tall american girl?!
this is fetish!!
so jake tries to get info on molly but hall thinks shes his girl and eh acts like he dont know her as he dont want his candy a66 kicked
hall bugs molyl again but she books it again
he finds her in the auto room and she tells him its her b day and no one knew
maybe if you talked about it more b4 hand they'd know
he comes out to her about being a virgin and probably butt virgin
she laffs and he climbs on her
no consent!
she sez its ok but he tries it again!
nowadays they'd have that scar molly and she'd have severe ptsd from it
kids are wieners now
they need their candy a55es kicked
he asks to b0ne but she sez shes waiting for jake
he admits to having just chatted with jake and gives her advice that she likes
then explains his bet and asks for her undies
meanwhile, jake yrin is dancing with the blonde but isnt into her
molly tests lines with herself but cant say it to him and he books it]
meanwhile, hall and friends charge admission to freshmen to see mollys undies in the mens room
dong dribves molly home and goes tyo party with his giantess gf
so theres a partyy at this place and jake/gf, hall ad nerds go there
jake calls molly place but it wakes up her grandparrents and he hangs up
dong and giantess are on an exercise bike and it looks like they're b0ning
jakes gf gets drunk and her hair gets caught in the doorso mollys homies cut out a chunk of her hair with scissors
jake calls again and her grandparents thnk hes a degenerate and tell him to stay away
giantess tries weightlifting but the weights aint secured and theyfall through 2 floors and bust the wine celler
after da party tthe place is trashed and jake finds hall sealed nder a glass table
snow white??
at hime dad sez he dis remember her b day to molly and she tells him about jake
he gives her advice about how having it too easy isnt good 4 u
jakee and hall chat and drink about molly and how hes not into his blonde bimbo gf and he wants real love
jak lets hall who dont got a liscence drive his dunk gf home in his dads rolly royce
drunk gf is spazzing around and stressing out hall
she also slips him a birth controll pill cuz shes a 5kank and hes a girlu man
hall goes to his dink friends place and has them take a photograph of him and the girl
but they f'd it up and its just part of halls head
this joke wont work today as we got camera phones blighting us
so next day mom sez sorry for forggittin her b dae and they go to da weeding
they find dong on the lawn and hes drunk
grandpa; dong! where is my automobile?!
dong; lake! big lake!
bad asian driver?
too soon!!
so at da churchhall wakes up in a rolls royce with that blond bimbo
neither recall the night but shes pretty sure b0ned
jake comes by and finds dong and dong tells him mollys gettinf married at church
so at the wedding the sister has her woman womnb thing
hall and blone get along and make out and jake comes by and sees it in his road double dragon/avenger car
blonde and jake say sorry and they are done
so after da weeding  the biog sisater takes off part of her dress and spazzes out cuz i thnk shes drunk or her womb is hormoning her
molly sees jake and they go back to her place
at night theres a cake with 16 candles on it and they smooch
the end
that was fun
light, smooth, are really 80s
it just feels good and has a good laid back feel
intern; mike henry
the guy from family guy?!
but this was a nice relaxing 80s teen movie that just fit well
good music and atmosphere and its like if degrassi jr high had a good budget
b4 it went queer in next gen
i see why my cool 90s aunt loves it
shes got good tastes
yo evie!
reccomend me more movies!
and get ur wiener kids some sega games
modern games s-ck!!
for 16 candles 2 i want it to be about the nerd becoming the big man with the blonde gf raising his status. but his nerd friends try to bring him down from jealosy. so they try to make him look uncool by spreading truths of him. and nerd has his new homies beat those geeks up. so they make exosuits outta k'nex and comw in and bust people apart. also they have an army of k'nex robot slaves who excase people in k'nex shells and use em as a power source. So nerd and his blonde gf do roids and beef into huge bodybuilder warriors and beat em free. also its an 8 bit beat em up game on sega master sysyem, game gear, game boy nes, atari 7800 and lynx and tg16 where you play as the nerd or blonde or both and beat on the k'nex robots.

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