Sunday, December 22, 2019

Black Christmas Review

Note: you get spell bad for christmas
black christmas
this is my review on black christmas from 1974
its about the 1st Kwanzaa and stars richard roundtree and the guy who was dolemite in s blaxploitation epic
its a christmas horror movie from the guy who did a christmas story and Baby Geniuses Bob Clark
John Carpenter based Halloween 001 on it and jumpstarted the slasher boom
it stars david from 2001, the chick who was lois lane in the 70s superman, Roper from Double Dragon i mean Eter the dragon, Andrea Martin from a buncha 90s cartoons, Ooh, she was queen slug for a butt in earthwprm jim!! les carklson from canadian cr-p, and other canadian guys
i saw this b4 and thought it was good
its based on the urban legend of the babysitter and caller and baeed on real murders around the late 60s early 70s
so it starts with chriastmas and we get a p o v shot of this guy going 2 dis hous and crawling in an open thing
1 chick in there is having a party with her droogs and calls her mom on da phone
later da phone rings and its a degenerate saying lusty things and sounds while probably j-rkin off
so they gather round anfd listen to it
i think they are into it but 1 is a feminist or something and gets mad at him and b--ches out at him
the girls dont like this chick named barb cuz shes kind of a b--ch and she is b--hy at em
later 1 girl goes looking for the house cat and gets iced by plastic over her face
you know you ca suck it in and chew through it
unless ur a french canadiasn and have bad teeth
and no soul
so the killer takes the body to the attic and probably b0nes it
so main chick talks to her bf about how she wants to meet him about something
so the next day this girl at the house is not seen and her dad is there to find her
this old hag  at the house makes fun of the dad after he leaves
later main chick tells her bf shes pregnant but is gonna kill their kid cuz she feels she dont want him
bf tries to save his child's life but she dont care
also she's brittish so she's the bad guy
maybe if they weren't b0ning they wouldn't have gotten ppreggo
later this creepy caller calls the main chick and asks where she put the baby
is that a ref to the babysitter cooking the baby while on drugs urban legend?
so later barb b--ches to the cops over the missing girl and makes references to sucking man parts
seems like a 5kank
later bf has his piano thing and later the missing girls bf comes to the station to yell at the cops for not doing enough
later its dinner at the college house and barb is drunk and talking about a turtle that b0nes for 3 days straight
in urotsukidoji 2: Amano is in the lava with his bimbo gf for like a week wheile takeaki is visiting Nagumo
so barb thinks its her fault the missing gurl left as she was a b--ch to her
later the baby daddy is stressed and bats a piano dead
so the cops search for the missing chick and the hag is along in the hosue and looks for the cat in the attic
is this like alien?
did alien rip this off?
she sees the body of the missing girl and the killer takes her out with a rope hook swing thing and pulls her up
then he spazzes out for a bit
we never see him btw
later the people looking for the girl find something but dpnt show it cuz they are too candya66 to have gore
then main chickhears the killer on da phone talking about being filthy billy and seeming to have been mo lested as a kid and turned into a degenerate
she calls the cops and then her baby daddy shows up and he's not happy
she talks to him like a child who is having an episode
after she she told him about their kid, thats kinda ssick
its like saying "imma kill ur pets" then acting like them getting upset is their fault
she explains a little girl was chopped up in the park and he sez he wants to quit college and marry her cuz he's sick of that cr-ppy a55 place
she turns him down cuz she wants to do her own thing
way to break his heart
later the cop the barb gave the weener sucking joke to is made fun of for not knowing the reference
so baby daddy trys to save his unborn kid but she kicks him out
she's so calm about it
kinda like gacy or bundy and their not giving a second thought to their vics
so the cops come by asking for consent to tap their phones and wtf one of them is named bill graham
like billy graham the bible guy?
its like that highway to heaven ep with jack mason
what next? bob schneider?
lex dumas?
tommy edison?
so the cops rig it up and tell em to keep the guy on the phone as long as they can and they'll be tracing it
so later barb wakes up and spazzes out until she gets her inhaler
later soem kids sing Christmas Carols and the killer shanks her a buncha times with a glass unicorn
is that what halloween 2 by rob zombie was based on?
btw, when the kid got it in riki-oh, we saw his skinned remains
here we dont see the chopped up kid
thats racist
so then the killer calls and main chick heards it and killer repeats something baby daddy said about his kid
the cops call after that and say there wasnt enough time to track him and she needs him on longer
then at the station they bring this geezer in for opening fire on the cops who were tresspassing
knowing soviet canada, they are gona make him a hero for resisting the cops
esp if he's 5% native american
so main chick tells the girls she thinks its her baby daddy who called as the caller said stuff he did
then the baby daddy calls and he's upset as he cares for his unborn child
she treats him coldly and he hangs up
its like she doesnt have a soul the way she has no love in her voice
well... she IS brittish!!
the cops call and ask about him talking about their kid and she tells em the story
the cops try to figure out if its baby daddy and she sez he was there when the 1st call came so its not him
later the search party for missing girl stops by and andrea martin lies about their dog biting it last night to keep em out
then they laugh about it and realize they were at the only locked door or window in da house
i often have dreams of being at my grandmas place and locking all the doors and windows and theres many of them
then theres a call saying devient thing and then i think 1 from the killer
the cops trace it and the calls are comming from in side da house!!
and the cops on guard are iced
da cops call main chick and tell get to get out and where the calls are from and she goes upstairs to check on her homies
but 1st she yells to em to give away her position
then gets a fire poker and goes upstairs and finds them chopped up in betd together
she sees the killers eye and slams the door on him and tries to escape
but the door is locked and hes comming so she hides in the basement and lox da door
later i think its daytime and her baby daddy comes by with his shadow over the window
imagine looking outside and seeing that
that would freak me out
he busts a frozzen window and comes in and is calm and nice
she beats him dead offscreen (i though she shot him) and everyone thinks baby dady was the killer
they put her to sleep and gotta wait hours b4 questioning her
so the cops leave thinking all is well but upstairs the killer is still there and the phone rings
the end
that was pretty good
good mood and theme and acting and effects
is mostly r rated for swearing and the violence is mostly tame
good dark 70s feel
good music
its got goodf voices and acting and its one of the origenators of the slasher genre that gave us so much good cr-p
its gritty and edgy and dark and has that look of mosty=ly wood that the 70s had
plus the bad ending where the main chick murders her baby daddy who was innocent and no danger and the real killer is still out there was a good twist
sorta like devilman where everyone dies
for black christmas 2 i want the cops to come back and find the killer eating her arms and legs and he escapes. they have a manhunt and when she wakes up, she's freaked out. they piece together that he was the real killer and the baby daddy was innocent and she murdered an innocent man. she cant take it and tries suicide by banging her head on the wall but is only sevierly brain damaged and is a drooling mess. also the killer is taking ou people in the cold and wearing their skin to keep warm and eating them. also its an 8 bit nes, gameboy, sega master system, game gear, atari 7800 and lynx and tg16 game where you play as the killer and try to escape from the cops and the bonus levels are his insanity delusions of him reliving his childhood and his baby sitter is trying to b0ne him.

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