Pulp Fiction Review

note I never saw this b4 so theres gonn abe tyopes from me watching and typing

oulp fiction

this is my feview on pulp fiction

it starts with a dictionary definition of pulp

then a blonde couple talking about banks and robberies

one guy did= it with a cell phone saying he';d wack a chick if they didn't give him cash

and it worked

then he chats about robbing other places as they are insured and its ok

once they jacked a booze store and jacked all the customers wallets

they make out then stick upo the store

then we get opening credits

by quention tarentino

with Samuel l jackdson and uma thruman

ooh cving rhames is in this

and Christopher walken

and bruce willis

and phil lamarr

man theres a lot of 70s music

in the 90s the 70s were retro

the in the 2010a its the 90s and 80s

ewwwwwwwwwww

john Travolta

him and sam Jackson are driving and talking about Europe

they have beer at mcdonalds in france

and cuz they're f'd by the metric system they cant call it a quarter pounder with cheese

cuz they dont know what that is

purvurts!

then sam jacket explains what a tv pilot is

one guy gave someone a foot rub and some homies sent him off his 4 story house

do they have storys in the metric system?>

or is it also f'd up?

they go into some apartment saying they work for a guy who foot fetished the chick

the guys are eating cheese burgers

sam jacoki tries a burger and liks it

oh and phil lamarr is in there

he calls a guy "flock of seagulls" cuz of his hair(which means this might not be 70s)

the travola gets the apartment guyds cash and sam kickin caps the flock of seagulls guy

sam kicnjign asks the burger guy if he knows who the foot fetish guy looks like and after some back and forth he caps burger guy in the arm

sam jcikin quotes the bible and him and Travolta waste him

then we get bruke wiliins looking at the camera and someone offscreen talks

he gives bruce an envelope and we see its the foot fetish guy giving him it

oh hes bribing hi to throw a fight

then Travolta and Jackson come in

but the foot guy is gone

wait, they';re in the background

after a clash with bruce and john, john hugs the foot fetish guy

then 2 chicks are talking about piercings

john Travolta is there and goes to see a drug dealer who looks like macholoy culkin

later Travolta comes home and his woman left him a note

his woman (uma thruman)chats with him over the intercom and it takes him a bit to figure it out

uma does blow as Travolta drinks booze

both are bad

then uma comes down with a camcorder and interviews travolata

she sez theres 2 kinds of people, beetles and evlvis fans

and no one can like both equal

that goes for anything

coke and pepsi

sega and snes

Yugioh and magic the gathering

mcdonaids and bugarking

she asks a buncha questions and stops after him saying if he was archie he'd b0ne betty

they go to a fun center like DZ discovery zone(anyone remember that??) and theres a fake elvis singing

I think its also a restaurant

they eat in a car table(a table in a car)

oh I think its a 50s diner

she orders a 5$ shake and Travolta whines

then they smoke

they just came back from Europe

she tells about a tv pilot she was in

its like a p0rn0 power rangers

she lets hi try her 5$ shake and he loves it

its gonna fatten em up

butter lard and cream

she goes to the toilet and does more blow

they talk for a bit and eat burgers

they talk about the foot fetish guy

wait

foot fetish guy threw the real foot fetish guy out the window

foot guy is Antwon

marcellis is the guy Travolta works for

hes now called boss

and it was uma who's feet foot guy b0ned

antwion is who I call foot guy

and uma is boss's wife

then uma and Travolta get in a dance contest

Travolta dances cr-ppy

uma has some style

this is like in the dbz movie the dead zone where Gohan got drunk and had that weird phantasy thing

after they get home they have the trophy so the other dancers mustve s-cked a55

then uma dances to I think 90s ish music

this isn't a movie

its a buncha music videos and the comments below

then uma does more blow

but it breaks her brain and she vegetables

this is what happens when you do drugs

travolta drives her as he calls his dealer on his cell phone in the car

driving on a cell phone?

in the 90s it was ok

the dealer don't want Travolta bringing her there but he does so anyway

why not hospital?

he has to adrenelin shot her but he never did it b4

see u in h-ll junkie

they argue over who injects her

Travolta sticks her like a pig and she wakes up and is ok with a needel in her b00b

he brings her back and asks her not to tell boss(not the ham ham or the Mazinger guy)

then Christopher walken is a war vet and talks to his son about a watch from his grandad who was in ww1

its been in the fam for ww1 and ww2 and viet nam

walken had it in nam and after getting caught he kept it in his a55

Christopher walken in vet nam?

its the deer hunter all over\

then brce wilise does a boxing match offscreen and someone bites it

I think willis iced the other guy and skipped town

but boss wants him wasted

in the cab ride hes surprised he iced the guy and this soviet chick driving is into him cuz of it

wait, shes mexicany

he phones a guy and finds the money he had bet made it

he goes to a hotel and pays the soviet chick not to tell

his woman is in ther and she ants to be fat

well, just have a gut

and shew wants to show it off

then she presses her normal tummy on bruces face

this is some fetish cr-p right here\

the next day bruce cracked a rib and his woman thinks its from b0ning

he jokes about her being ret-rded

they wanna go to mexico and he teaches her Mexican

he sleeps but wakes up screaming to a motorcycle war movie

he gets outta bed and adjusts his parts

his woman talks about all the food she wants to eat

fat a55

bruce freaks out about losing his dads watch

he was the kid christpoher walken had

he then busts up the place

she left it at the apartment

ten he cools off

but wants to go back and get it

dumba55

its an item!

he goes back and makes no name brand pop tarts

also he finds a big gun

then travota comes out of the cr-pper and bruce wastes him

see you in h-ll Travolta!

just like with carrie

bruce wipes the gun(unlike how tavolta didn't wipe his a55) and leaves

what about the watch?

he drives away and listens to a 60s song

as he crosses the stoplight thing he sees the boss and runs him over

then his car gets hit

after they wake up he chases bruse and shoots at him(hitting several guys)

they get to a redneck store and bruse is gonna waste boss

but the redneck saves him

then ko's bruce and makes a call

when the bruce and the boss wakes up they're tied to chairs with p0rn0 gags and the redneck soaks em in gas

a redneck cop comes in (is that matthew mcconehey?!?)

he plays eenie meenie minie mow and chooses boss

he takes him to a back room and I think hes b0ning him

bruce gets free and is gonna leave but goes back after going through several weapons

he settles on a katana

he cuts down the redneck and is gonna get the cop(named zed)

wtf zed!?

like lord Zedd from power rangers!?

but boss blows cop redneck away with a shotgun

hes gonna torture em dead

yeah cuz 2 bad guy fighting is ok

and lets bruce get away free

he also dont want anyone to know he got a55 b0ned

wyf quenton Tarentino?!

you made this film

everything that happens in it is cuz quenton wanted it

he anted to have a guy getting b0ned in the butt

bruce gets zeds bike and goes back to his woman

they drive off w/o helmets

nowadays guys would go up the a55 over it

then theres a flashback to the flock of seagulls guy and a guy in the back that we never knew about has a gun

gun guy comes out shooting but all shots miss and Travolta and kacking cap him

jackin thinks its divine intervention

they drive with phil lamarr but Travolta accidentaly shoots him

they stop by tarentinoes place for coffee and hes malcontent over the corpse of phil lamarr

jacking calls boss (ving rhames) about the dead phill lamarr

one guy gets a phone call and Travolta is white and jacnkings is black

a Charles Bronson looking guy comes in to organize the clean up of phil lamarr

Travolta  jackon get nude and hosed off to clean the blood bone and brains

they get 90s clothes and the Bronson guy swaps cars with em to drive the cars to where the body gets take care of

theyre eating breakfast and Jackson wont eat bacon cuz pigs are dirty

Travolta mentions dogs eat their waste and jackon sez he wont eat dog either

they talk about Acts of God and Miracles

and Why He did so

jascon sez after he delivers the case to boss hes gonna walk the earth like Kenshiro or violence jack

then its the 1st movie scene and Travolta goes to take a dump

the couple sticks up the place

they take the owner hostage and jack the register

then decide to jack the customers

but jacksons packin heat

hes gonna get the bosses briefcase

he opens the case and its not revealed whats in it

but its beautiful

then jackon grabs the gun and holds man robber at gunpoint

his woman is going mental but jaxckion is cool

he don't wanna ice em but don't wanna lose the case

then Travolta comes out and gunpoints her

jackon has man robber get jaxons wallet out

he gives man robber 1500$ and sez hes letting him go

then tells the bible quote

then gives several interpretations on it

the robbers leave and so does Jackson and Travolta

the end

that was actually kinda good

weird, offbeat and fun

good 90s with some good parts

for pulp fiction 2 i'd like it to be set in the late 90s and samuel l Jackson and the robbers are living on an island when the boss comes back for em. he wants Jackson to do work for him involving an aids vaccine needed for protecting the troops from aids based weapons that's gonna be used in a coming war. its gonna be used against the boss's island kingdom he won after a fixed boxing match with a dictator and the big guv don't want the boss to run things. also the island has various extinct animals the guv wants to wipe out to promote the lie of evolution and turn people against the bible. so Samuel l Jackson goes through several mission based levels to get the pieces to a code to get the access to the aids vaccine. its also a sega genesis/ snes ninja like game with you as samuel l jackaon but you use guns instead of shurikens. actualy, make it; he found the island with the magic item in the briefcase.

Stand By Me Review

note read my cr-p spelling
stand by me
this is my review on stand by me
its from the mid 80s and set in the 59
I hear this film had a hard time getting made as theres no love interest or chicks and its actually good
its written by steven king who my cool 90s aunt likes books by
was this based on a true story?
pet semetary was
I'm watching it censored on amc btw
they cut the profanity and puke
candy a55
it starts with an adult thinking about how he saw his first human corpse when he was like 12
he lived in Oregon in castle rock in a small town
the kids at he clubhouse jokes about frenchies b0ning dogs and eating trash
on unbalanced kid is French
seems about right
also the kids are smoking
oh the 50s
river fenix is the main guys bff and then this fata55 jerry oconnel comes in
rivers dad is a drunk and corry Feldman(the Frenchie)'s dad nearly burned his ear off
fata55 jerry buried a jar of pennys in the back yand but his mom cleaned his room and threw out da map
me spend 9 months digging under the wood yard thing and hears his bro chatting with a hoimie
a kid went out to get blueberries and hasn't been seen since
but the bro jacked a care and found out about the kid
hes dead jim
they cant tell the cops as they;d find out they jacked a car
so fata55 and the guys plan to lie to their rents and go on a quest to find a boys corpse
main guy whil wheaton is unbalanced as his older bro got iced and his rents are suffering too muc to deal with him
that's why I don't drive
whil weaton gets his bros hat from his room and has a flashback of the bro giving it to him and being nice
dad criticizes him over having cr-ppy friends
as 2 friends are theifs
river feniz steals a big gun
nowadays people would go up the a55 over kids holding guns
ri\ver sez it aint loaded and whil fires it
they Book it AND a chick things they doing fireworks
kiefe5r sutherland sakes whils hat and river insults him
kiefer holds him on the ground at nearly outs his eye with a cigarette until he take it back
its like the media pressuring someone to say sorry for doing nothing wrong
lter the 4 hobbits go to eisengard\
at train tacks they say it might be 20 miles
one sez hitchhike
nowadays people would go up the a55 over kids hitchhiking
on the way they sing a paladin song
fata55 gets hungry and they realize no one brought food
they count cash(change) and fata55 has 7 cents
cheap a55 fat a55
a train comes and cory Feldman (who chopped up Jason) stands on the trax wating to dogde
river saves him
cory is malcontent over this
well, he IS French
bte these kid actors didn't end up good
river enix OD'd at a club
cory Feldman got b0ned by hollywood produicers
I don't know about whil weaton
but jerry oconnel lot the weight and was on the Canadian show ; my secret identity
then he married Rebecca romain
the 1st mystique from x men
looks like he made it best
meanwhile kiefer Sutherland is nailing mailboxes withn a b ball bat
the boys go through a junkyard with a dog rumored to bite off crotches
they flip for who gets snacks and its 4 tails
fat a55 sez its a omen but they flip again and whi, wheaton has to go
at the store the owner sez whil is like his bro
whil has a flashback of dad ignoring him and loving bros football
but bro likes whils stories
when whil returns the boys booked it and the junk yard owner sends his dog after whil
whil gets over the fence but the dog is a wiener
they tease the dog but it bites frenchies a55
the junk owner yells at em for teasing his dog(its just a dog. it don't know english) and frenchie mocks him
so junk owner sez he knows the kids and frenchies dads nuts
Frenchie tries to murder him for saying words he disagrees with
must be a liberal
they leave and then comfort the disturbed Frenchie
later kiefer and his droogs are hanging out, smoking and carving words in their arms and talk about the dead kid
they bet when the cops find the body
kiefer; if u had 2000$ i'd kill ya myself
hes gonn grow up to be a serial killer
meanwhile the kids walk and wanna have a smoke fore dinner
fat a55 and frenchie argue over whjo would win, mighty mouse or super,man
spoiler; Goku at ss5 could beat superman
river tells whil wheaton to use his gift to write stories for good and not give up
threy come to a bridge and wanna go around but Frenchie wants to cross it
but they fear A TRAIN
lol frenchie calls em candy a55es
but HES French
they go across and fata55 is on his hands and knees going on\
not getting b0ned
he drops a comb through the bridge
that comb is coming back in the sequel to kill em
whil wheaton notices a train coming and fata55 is too candy a55 to run
they run as the train comes at em
its like pet semetay
at the last second whil wheaton shoves fata55 off and gets splattered by the train AS his pieces fly everywhere
jk
really they both jumped
later they talk about checking their undies for poop stains
after dinner they enjoy a smoke (which would be f'd by commies nowadays) and whil wheeton tells a story
a 12 year old who weighs 180 is called larda55
my gf was 230 at grade 7
180 isn't fat
larda55 gets revenge by going to a pie eating contest
at the contest  he gets tripped and people comment on his size
hes way fatter than 180
whys it always a fat guy and never a fat chick?\
you wont turn me gay!!
they gorge on pies and larda55 is doing well
but b4 the contest he chugged a bottle of castor oil and a raw egg
he imagined eating cow waste and rat guts and he barfs
it looks like hes gonna explode
his barfing gets everyone to barf
they all puke on eachother
the end
1 guy wants to know what happened after it
frenchie wants larda55 to ice his dad and join the texas rangers
what a sane guy
i'd say something about him b0ning people til they burst under his tonnage
after that they talk about random cr-p like what goofy from micky mouse is
then they hear wolfs
Frenchie thinks its ghosts and goes to look for it
fata55 is freaked out
river fenix sez to stand watch and gives Frenchie a gun
that'll go well
btw earlier they say a Frenchie was in ur yard if ur trash can is empty and ur dog is pregnant
the Frenchie was moving his a55 at the dog and it bit him
hes gonna have a dog fetish when he grows up
go around b0ning dogs
or letting the dogs b0ne him!!!
whil weetin dreams of his brothers grave and dad sez it should've been whil weeton
he talks with river about it and how rivers fam is low status
also he didn't take the milk money
wait
he did
but he gave it back and a chick took it for herself
then he starts crying and want to get to a new place for a fresh start
the next day who weehin sees a deer go by
imagine if it was sasquatch
he never told em about it
ort anyone
until just now
whil weetin gets obsessed with the kids corpse
they take a cut through the woods but fata55 oconnel don't like it
meanwhile in a bar a guy tells a guy not to tell anyone but he knew where the body is
kiefer gets word and goes there under premise of a fishing trip
the boyd(boys) go through the forrest and find a stream or pond
they go through and horseplay in the water
they get out and find they are covered in lesions I mean leaches
they get undressed and the scene ends
but in the uncut version 1 guy finds a leach on his parts
we don't see the parts
wait
it was just a commercial and the ecene is still there
and theres blood on it
hope hes not circimsized
and its whil weaton
and he blacks out
after they get dressed they talk about going back and fata55 has enough of frenchies abusre and wails on him
but whil teerin gets emn to go on
meanwhile kiefer road battles a rival and a truck is coming for him
he keeps going and it goes offroad and tips over
hes a bada55
like ryo Asuka in Devilman
then the scene cuts to the boys finding the body
what happened with the rival??
then frenchie starts eating the dead kid
jk
whil is disturbed and river comforts him
he sez it should've been him
and his dad hates him
but river sez dad don't know him
then kiefer coms by
they want the body
then more guys show up
and kiefer pulls a switchblade
Frenchie runs but river stands to die
kiefer is gonna knife river but whil weenton pulls a gun on him and sez hes gonna kill him
after a standoff  kiefer leaves and sez he's gonna get even later
yet whil lets him go
just ice him!
whil has the boys give an anonomus phone call and they go home
why did kiefer want the body?
was he gonna b0ne it?
when they got back they were more grown up
they boys go home on at a time
grown up whil sez what happened to the boys after
fatty and Frenchie fell out of em
fatty got married and has kids and runs a forklift at a lumber yard
honest work
Frenchie wanted to join the at,my but his cr-ppy eyes and ear kept him out
he went to jail(Shawshank?!) and now does odd jobs at town
river became a laywer and got shanked in the throat at a restaurant
then grown up whil types about what he said on a 80s comp
then goes out to be with his kids
then the stand by me song plays
ooh, Richard dreyphus was the grown up whil weeton
the end
that was pretty good
although amcs website said slither was gonna be on
2x
yesterday and today
and both was this 1
but I liked this
good 80s film
set in da 50s
good entertainment w/o cr-ppy romance tacked on or a gay lesson forced into us
but what happened with kiefer Sutherland?!
they just forget about him after that
for stand by me 2 i'd like for kiefer Sutherland to come back and capture whil weatons kids. he sez hes gonna chop em up unless whil weeton comes to him and lets kiefer b0ne him dead. he gets the Frenchie and fatty and they reunite to take down the kiefer.they go back to the town and its run by kiefer who has turned it into a prison mad max thing and hes gotten big and buff from eating people for 30 years. fatty gets his forklift and drives it into the area and wacks a lotta warriors and Frenchie is crazy and cuts people up and eats em.  its also a 2 player beat em up on snes and sega genesis with 21 guy as whil weeton and one as the frenchie and theres forklift levels as fata55. also you can call in fat55 during beat em up parts to wipe the field. and fatty is over 600lbs and cant leave his forklift and whjil whereton is in a muscle power booster suit that he bought rom his writing money and selling ideas to Hollywood to make cr-ppy movies. oh and kiefer was secretly working for whils dad who's kept alive in a biotank who never forgave whil for going into writing and not being a good son.(you fight him if you do good enuff in the fights going to kiefer)lso he don't want his grandkids raised by candy a55 whil wheeton and is doing this to save em from being turned into purvurts by him raising em bad

The Shawshank Redemption Review

note; I spell like prisoners live

the Shawshank redemption

this is my review on the Shawshank redemption

I'm watching this on amc so its censored

its by steven king who my cool 90s aunt likes

it starts with the main guy on trial as hes found guilty of icing his wife and the guy she was b0ning

he goes to jail and morgan freeman checks him out

freeman is a guy who can get u things in prison

after they hose the inmates off they go to bed

a fata55 whines so Clancy brown(lex luthor from superman the animated series and justice league unlimited) beats him dead for it

in the real version I think he b0ned him dead

mf thought main guy would cry 1st

the next day main guy finds a maggot in his food and a guy he gives it to gives it to his pet bird in his pocket(his familiar in D&D if he were a mage)

btw when the guys were in their 1st night in prison the other inmates tried to turn em queer

btw this is the 40s

when main guy asks the name of the fata55 the guy who won a bet off him sez no one cares

what a d-ck

hope someone b0nes him dead
later in the prison showers a guy comes on to main guy

is this a p0rn0??

later mf chats with main guy and everyone sez they're innocent

main guy wants a rock hammer but not to ice anyone

mf warns main guy 2 guys wanna b0ne him

but they aint queer according to mf

to quote my black friends; my a55!!

wait... maybe I shouldn't say "my a55" about guys trying to b0ne people

mf agrees to get the tool for him for 10$

he gets it from his minion bringing it in the laundry and he repays him 2 packs of smokes

nowadays people would go up the a55 over smoking in a movie

but b0ning booze and drugs are ok

mf sez it would take 600years to tunnel out

main guy goes into a room but the guys who wanted to b0ne him catch him and b0ne him off screen

mf narrates how the guys keep b0ning and beating him for 2 years

in 1949 outdoor work starts up and mf gets his homies work

Clancy brown gets a 35 000 $ inheritance but big guv under trueman (who was in the klan in the 20s) is gonna tax it from him

main guy asks if Clancy trusts his wife and Clancy nearly throws him off the roof

he explains he can give his spouse a one time tax free gift of up to 60 000 $

he gets beer in  exchange for his helping the Clancy who kills inmates often

to be fair, most inmates are awful

like those guys who b0ne main guy

btw I had an idea for the hose thing

what if they edited the word AIDS on the hose so when in a prison movie when they hose off the prisoners it looks like they're blasting em with AIDS!?

later when playing checkers main guy sez he wants to make a chess game

mf gets him stones to carve into pieces

he notices the prison walls are soft and asks for a rita Hayworth poster

on the way back the b0ning guys catch him and beat on him

1 guy was gonna b0ne his mouth and are gonna ear shank him with an 8 inch spike if he bites

he sez brain wounds make victims bite super hard

so they just beat the black offa him

after a month in the hole Clancy beats b0ning guy crippled

its kinda horror as he tries to get away and they pull him back

like it or something(the clown thing)\

b0ning guy is shipped off to a min security place

are we supposed to feel sorry for him?

hes a mo lester

imagine if he was crippled cuz Clancy brown b0ned him til his butt broke

later the guards look through the inmates cells for contraband

he talks to the warden about the bible

I should mention the warden don't like his inmates misusing the Lords name

he allows main guy to continue

holy cr-p the warden looks like my grade school vice principle

after a meeting with warden in his office hes reassigned to assistant librarian

oh and his bird is a big black crow

its been 2 years

then a guard talks with main guy about setting up a fun for his kids

later the inmates laugh about it

main guy wants to get new books and asks warden for funds

he writes a letter each week

next year main guy starts doing guard and warden taxes

each year he does more taxes

later librarian holds the d-ck guy at knifepoint

hes getting released and cant face he outside world

he prefers to live in his stone womb

main guy gets him to spare the d-ck guy

hes been there so long he cant handle being w/o it

it reminds me of the 2nd arc of the riki-oh manga how he goes to another jail

he sets his crow free even though it has no experience in the nature world

he goes out and sends a letter back

hes amazed how times have changed

cars everywhere

he gets work as a bag boy at a grocery store

and lives in a halfway house

he feeds birds hoping for his crow to return

he cant function and carves words in the wood thing near the ceiling

then hangs himself

he carved; brooks was here

brooks was his name

but its also drakes character in degrassi

later main guy gets books delivered to the prison

its 200$ of books

they did it to shut him up

it was 6 years

wait

its also records

and archie comics

wait, that's what the guard is reading while taking a dump

wait

I think the records are the wardens

the guard left him unsupervised

oh and main guy locked the guard in the toilet

he plays music on the PA

warden has Clancy bust in by night sticking the glass and main guy gets 2 weeks in da hole

after dat he sez he has hope but mf sez not to

main guy replies that's what happened with brooks

later mf is given a parole hearing and sez hes rehabilitated

he gets denied

main guy gets mf a harmonica

later mf gets main guy marilin monroew the poster

this is b4 r fk had her iced

later he starts sending 2 letters a week and the guv shuts him up with more cash and books

by the time j fk goes to h-ll they have a good prison library

later the warden uses the convicts as cheap labor

and he gets bribes

but main guy keeps his secrets

and channels the cash into legal things that get back to him

but all the books are in the name of a fictional guy main guy created

and he used to be a straight arrow b4 going to prison

must be from getting b0ned all those times

in 65 a john Travolta looking guy gets 2 years for breaking/entering

the inmates like him

hes like Travolta in grease btw

hes been in jail a lot and has a baby momma

so he wants to get his high school equivalency

so main guy teaches him how to read

by 1966 Raquel welch is his poster girl

after taking the test, not Travolta throws it out and goes b--chy

mf tells notravolta why main guy is in jail

notravolta reveals his ex cellmate was the real killer of main guy's woman and b0ning buddy

he tells the warden but the warden has him sent to da hole for a month as he don't want his cash scheme ruined

also notravolta passed with a c+ average

he meets warden at night outside and warden gives him a smoke

I think hes gonna  ice him

he asks if notravolta would tell what he heard the real killer say and he sez yes

then a sniper picks notravolta off

warden tells main guy but main guy wants to stop

warden sez he'd have him f'd if he does

why is the warden the bad guy?

this wouldn't happen in the 30s

then main guy gwts another month in da hole

later hes out and sez its his fault his cheeting woman bit it cuz he drove her away

that's cr-p

its for better or worse

not; until he p-sses me off

main guy tells mf about a pacific mexico place he wants to live

btw I never knew the guy was nnoc3ent

this ids my 1st time watching da hole thing

mf sez hes been in too long like brooks

oh and this is in maine

like all steven kings other books

he tells mf about a location in a hayfield where he b0ned his wife b4 they married

its got a treasure for mf but main guy wont say wat it is

later the d-ck sez he gave main guy 6 feet of rope

they think hew gonna hang himself\

after main guy does work for no pay for the warden including shining his shoes(SLAVE!!) he goes back to his cell for bedtime

the next day they line up for inspection and main guy aint there

warden finds his shoes are switched for convict shoes

and main guy is gone

maybe he was a vampire and dusted himself\

mf don't know where he went and warden throws chess pieces

1 goes through the poster and theres a hole tunneled from behind the poster

so much for 600 years

we getta flashback of main guy tunneling out and dumping the grit in the yard from his pants

also no one noticed him wearing shiny shoes

remember in pee wee herman with the mirror shoes?

I'm surprised theres not a Yugioh card called that

no one wears skirts nowadays anyway

except maybe crossdressers lol

also main guy had an extra set of clothes under his outfit and stored em in a plastic bag

during a thunderstorm he hit the sewage pipe as thunder went

he crawled through fecal matter like dantes inferno or brazil for 500 yards

that's 1500 feet

when he gets out he gets undressed and hoses off in the rain

main guy uses the fake guy he made up to get the wardens cash and out the prison to the cops

also he hid a tool in his bible

Clancy brown goes to jail and warden eats his gun

mf gets a postcard from texas where main guy crossed

he misses main guy

mf gets a parole hearing and gives a wordy monologue about regretting is past acts

he gets approved after swearing at them

the swear word was cut out of the amc showing

he goes on like brooks did and in the same place too

you'd think they'd stop after one guy committed seppuku

also hes used to asking permission to whiz cuz hes used to it

he wants to go back to jail

he gets a lift rom a red pickup truck to the place main guy told him about where he b0ned his wife

the tree is made of j-zz

he finds a tin box with cash in it

and a note sayin if he remembered the towns name he said on one day years ago and to go there to be with him

how is he supposed to know where he place is, or even how its spelled?!

he carves "so was red" by "brooks was here"

then takes a bus out

later he meets main guy working on a boat in the middle of nowhere

the end

that was pretty good

nothing really awful about it

enjoyable

no cgi

good 90s feel

if ur not into prison b0ning it might be off

but its a good film that doesn't tack on a sad moment or love interest cr-p

wait, why'd he need the rope???!!

for the Shawshank redemption 2 I'd like for the warden to be revived by experimental tech as his brain was mostly damaged but still able to keep life systems on. using an advanced regenerative compound they rebuild his brain and he comes back with regeneration abilities. he hunts down main guy and is gonna b0ne him dead bit the daughter of notravolta saves him. they fight through several levels of the guv agentzs trying to catch him for breaking outta jail and warden got on his side for agreeing to continue being part of their experiments. also the guy who b0ned main guy is back after being regenerated as a minion of warden and they face em over several levels with the bad guys in different armor and weapons. its also a 16 bit platform game on snes and sega genesis and Gameboy advance. oh and its up to 4 players with main guy, notavoltas kid, mf and Clancy who's turned good. and its in the 80s as they needed time to regenerate him and track em down.

Valley Of The Giants Review

note; spelling right is for hippies
valley of the giants
this is my review on vally of the giants(30s version)
based on a book and made often
it starts with text
in the distant future year of 1902 the timber barons had made money off teens in the Midwest
then they moved on to californoia with the red woods
they movie tries to make this seem bad
theyre trees!
they grow back!!
its like a haircut!!
then some timber barons plan to make cash off trees
good
that givs people jobs and helps families
plus is good exercise
in a bar some guys hang out and have fun
1 guy has a gambling issue
that's awful
what next? chronic??
well, it IS California
1 guy sez a place has lotsa trees worth cash
and is sending men for land claims
he gets a redhead to set up a casino
her and the gablimng guy
i think
later they go down to the area and theres colossal trees
the red head is impressed but the main guy isn't
oh, the gambling guy isn't the main guy
some lumber jacks take out a tree and ithe main guys go right in front of it
dumba55es!
they yelled timber but no one responded
they're stuck at the place the tree fell blocking the road for a bit
the next scene theyre moving on
some stop
the driver sez theres not much cash in the place theyre going
driver has a smoke and the red head joins him
nowadays they'ed go up the a55 over it
yeah smokings bad but rampant b0ning and drinking and drugs are ok
they get to town and everyones in da woods
they stop and meet the sherrif
the diver is the owner of the mill and land and town other cr-p
the gambler is freaked out by the cop
I think hes a purvurt]
into b0ning people places and things he shouldn't
driver shows redhead the trees
he owes money and the bank might pay him a lot for trees
but he wont sell em or cut em down
he cares about freakin plants
and you thought animal rights was a dumb idea
his rents or someone call the place; the valley of the giants
not that there are giants like the bones found all over the world and lincon talked about
but the trees are the giants
that's gay
bait and switch
like how silence of the lambs had no gore or cannibalism in it
I wanted a splatterfest
I got cr-p
later driver teaches her to fish
then at the casino alan hale the 1st chugs booze
I like him
hes big and buff and bada55
and his kid is the skipper
btw
giligan had mary ann
skipper had ginger
millionare had his wife
who did the professer b0ne?
main guy finds out da bank loaned driver 50 000 $$
later the guys are harvesting trees'
man, everyone dresses like my Slovenian farmer grampa
some guys want to get the valley but its not for sale
the timber guy wants to set up shop and cut through the forest
but driver sez with good cutting and reforestation it can be kept up
timber guy sez; what do u care whats growing 50 years from now?
driver wont sell
later timber guy swindles the people off their land with his lawyer work
he also has his goons beat dissenters up
sounds like what big gov does now
alan hale quits and carrys the beat up guy out
the people wanna use their 2nd amendment rights to defend their land
enjoy it while u can
California goes to h-ll soon
the people go to the land office but the sheriff sez if they take back their swiped land they go to jail
the lawyer sez if new proofs ain filed, the claim's lapse
driver sez sheriff works for timber guy and shoves him on his fat a55
typical californa; protecting the criminals from their victims
alan hale outs timber guy(named fallon) for beating up geezers
driver sez hes going somewhere to f up fallon
he goes to sacrimento and outs fallon
but the big wigs cant do jack
he gives a fruity speech about how trees are good
settle down captain planet
go eat some garbage
later lotsa men come over o file claims
the notice was held back and the real owners have the same rights
as long as they have papers filed and 125$$
theres no time for the real owners to do so and they're f'd
driver sez the clamers are lying and aint using it for private use
fallon sez when theyre done appealing and sueing he's gonna have all the wood
dariver fights him
fallos cant get the lumber w/o drivers land to use for the river to pass the wood
but hes looking into da bank to get his 50 000$$ thing
also the red had is into him
she tries to get driver to just give in and go on to enjoy life
he doesn't consent and she goes mental
later ox (I think alan hale)(his name is ox? like the ox king from dragonball?! bada55) is going to fight fallon
he slugs out the sherrif and busts up the casino
man hes kicking a55
he had an axe and a pick
he should've chopped those d-ckheads up!
driver comes in and helps him
I think hew axed a guy
they get out
at home they talk about doing something\
later ox burns down the casino
or records office
yeah its the land office\
now all falons clAIMS are ash and the good guys can refile
ox sez its an accident
btw this film is colored, fullscreen and directed by the guy who did adventures of robin hood
later fallon tries to get the 50 000 note from da bank
when bank guy denies it he gets a bank examinaer shake him down
they don't find it (ooh, bank guy is Donald crisp from the d w Griffith films) bank guy is arrested for embezzlement
but driver comes in and they give it to em
he gets it and sez he wants the cash from driver in 6 weels
he decides to sell long and close da mill
he gets all the people together to cut logs and get em to market
sounds like a union
those are typically bad
soviet union
European union
union vs confederate
the timber guys expect him to not get r dun but red head hopes for him
then we et a montage of cutting trees
nowadays trees are viewed as equal to or greater than people
by degenerates anyway
she admits to main guy (whos not really the main guy(I never saw this b4 so I thought it was)) she loves driver and leaves
later on a railroad tracks over a river some guys sAw it
they get away but a train load of woof is heading there
they send word and driver tries to save the bridge
good thing theres trees everywhere to fix it
red head comes by but ox don't trust her and locks her in the train caboose
and gambler
hes sending em away
the men from sending word arrive but so do the bridge choppers
they mess with the train and it starts going
howd they get there b4 the message senders?
the senders were on a cart that you pump to speed up
they were on foot
someone is on the train ad going across it from loaded log to loaded log
this is like gunstar heroes
or alien soldier
he hits the breaks but the front part of the train was unhooked and goes ahead and crushes he bridge
the caboose stops b4 going over
I think its driver who stopped it
when he gets back the water level is going down
the timber guys plugged the river like a butt
red head is on drivers side as is gambler
driver makes out with red head
they go to dynamitre the plug but theres bad guys
so they cap em
theres a funny scene where gambler sees a box of dynamite fall and hides thinking its gonna pop
not without a light
they get to the plugged up river and cap some guys
is this contra?
man theres lotsa guys with guns
in California!
and they're white!!!
the good guys set the dynatime and a sniper starts picking em off
ox stops him
they light it and run
but fallon confronts driver
they have a boss battle with a time limit as the things gonna blow
man that's a long fuse
he sluigs fallon off into da water and gets away as it blows
wait
he saves fallon
why?
I was gonna have fallon come back rebuilt in the sequel!
he explains he wanted fallon to live and he'd win the right wAY
he goes off and gives up and goes home and driver goes to the red head as the camera goes up
did he b0ne her?
the end
that was fun
upbeat
classy
cheerful
it had a good feel
nowadays it would be bummer and disgruntled
I liked it
I gotta check out the silent versions of this
for valley of he giants 2 i'd like for fallons big brother and head of is company to come down to get revenge for his wiener kid bros beating. he knows doing it fallons way wont work so he teams up with sasquatch and starts a guerrilla war with them attacking the hero of the 1st movies place. they eat the people and its up to ox to go around beating sasquatch a55 and save the area. he teams up with his brother visiting town who's just as big and buff but is black and wears blue instead of ox's blonde looks and red outfit. they go around beating up fallon's bros men and sasquatch through several level as as a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis and snes. also they have snipers helping k with limited ammo that can be uses to hit enemies a few times per level. and the boss is falons big bro who's on roids and is 9 feet tall and can hoild a whole baby in one of his massive hands and rides an elephant.

West Of Zanzibar Review

note; my spelling bad. make good read
west of Zanzibar
this is my review of west of Zanzibar
its got lon chaney and lionel berrymnore
its directed by tod browning(the 20s tim burton)
its starts with a magic show
lon chaneys a magician and his wife leaves him for another man
also the man cripples lon chaney by pushing him off a railing and he snaps his back
a year later lon chaney is wheeling around on a board with wheels like we used to play scooter hockey on in the 90s
his wife comes back but shes dead
he swears revenge onj the guy who swiped his wife
and his kid
18 years later in Africa (west of Zanzibar) lon chaney has a shaved head and lives in a 2 story house
he goes upstairs by climbing a rope with his arms
bada55
he always plays handicapped guys
but hes always the baddest a55 in the show
wait, was that 18 years b4 1928? or was 1928 the opening scene and this is 1946?
it never reveals it
he also does magic shows for the Africans
btw they are cannibals
and I think lionel Barrymore is his minion
he sez fire is the only thing evil spirits fear
and hes stronger than them
and then he eats fire
he also gives the cannibals gin
nowadays some malcontents would complain about them being cannibals
but things with guys like Hannibal lector are ok
and wrong turn
and texas chansaw massacre had an inbred cannibal fam
so at midnight lon chaney has someone in a bada55 suit scare the ivory hunters away and takes their ivory
the guy who stole chaneys woman is p-ssed as hes an ivory dealer
nowadays they'd make ivory hunting look bad
btw chaney is called dead legs
nowadays that would cause malcontents to go up the a55
chaney wants to send word to the wife stealer that hes the one who stole his ivory
but 1st he wants to bring the guys daughter back
in Zanzibar shes a bar and I think a h00ker
she leaves her home the bar and goes to live with lon chaney whos said he knows her father
later lon chaney wants the do to curt his back for some reason
the girl looks like my aunty alice with that hair and face features
she comes in and lional Barrymore is drunk
she thinks lon chaney is her dad but he sez hes noit
hes very sour and bitter
then they have a cannibal ritual and lon chaney leads em
when a guy bites it, they send his wife or daughter to h-ll with him
its the law of the congo
nowadays some dink might be triggered by that
spoiler; nowadays the congo is a warzone of r-pe and murder
oh, lionel is lon chjaneys dr who helps him stay able to crawl
so the next day lon chaney starts being a d-ck to the girl
she drinks from a glass and he has em break it
so he don't drink from it by mistake
also he has the girl eat on the floor
whats wrong with that?
I'm on the floor typing this and eating chef Boyardee
lionel is offended by lon chaney's d-ckness
also he gives the cannibals her clothes
later she talks with lionel
they start growing closer
he tells her shes a kid and can do anything she wants
I should mention the chick who plasys the girl had a hard real life
her bf's beat her
one studio guy she loved kept getting her pregnant and twisted her into killing their kids
then outed her when she revealed his abuse
she wound up dead at 46 from drugs
she was on drugs from too many beatings and surgery to repaid the beatings
sad tale
pray for her soul
so later the wife stealer comes by and lon chaney reveals hes the ivory theif
lon chaneys gonna pay him for everything
then reveals his identity as the magician
he shoes a trick to swap a skeleton in a box with the girl
shes drunk
he turned her into an alcoholic
lionel goes mental over him turning her into a drunk
also he sez he loves her and carries her off
the wife stealer laughs at the situation
lon chaney reveals its his rival and wifes kid
the rival is stunned as chaney grins like a c-cksucker
he raised her in the lowest dive in Zanzibar
and now shes gonna meet her dad as scum!
but rival breaks out laughing!!
cuz the girl is actually lon chaneys daughter!!!
man chaneys a good actor in here
rival revels she never b0ned him
after she found out he crippled chaney she hated him
chaney's face turns from laughter to rage to shock to remorse to horror
what a great actor
at night he reunites with his kid but she hates him
as a youth I came to realize, in revenge, the innocent must not suffer
they did nothing wrong
he tries to be nice but shes too hurt
he wants to take her away and reconcile
but she don't want him
then the Africans come in saying they shot her father(the rival)
lon chaney has them take the daughter to a back room and liponel Barrymore try to save the rival
b4 she goes he cradles her hair and comforts h4er (I think shes blacked out)
the rival bites it and lionel returns to see chaney in the back room cradling her saying "my baby girl"
the Africans come for her to send to h-ll with her dad
shes awake and lionel sez the guy wasn't her dad
but sez her dad bit it years ago
which is true is a way if you mean the man he was
as chaney kinda bit it and was reborn as a vengeance guy when crippled
lionel kisses the girl ands they decide to escape
but an African sees em
lionel wants lon to tell them the truth
but its too late. they wont believe him
especially after the way he treated her
I'm surprised he never4 b0ned her
tey cant get away as the place is crawling with Africans
so lon chaney tells em to get out
but he wants to say bye to her
I dont think theres time dude
she thinks its a trap and wont go to see him
he convinces her to forget hate and lon wouldn't do t if he hated
weird
lon chaney and the chick playing the daughter both bit it in their 40s
lon has a moment with her and the Africans come in
he does a magic trick used 2x b4 in this film of having the girl in a box and they switch it with a skeleton
this is the 20s so I think they used a real one
lionel leaves and chaney(with his neck meda) does a trick in front of all the Africans as the girl and the lionel Barrymore escape
he finishes the trick and sez a spirit got the girl
the Africans don't buy it and rise against him
the next scene has an afrian pulling chaneys neck thing out of the fire
they cooked him!!
lon chaney pretty much always bites it in almost ll his films
usually sacrificing himself to save the one he loves
the end
that was good
was this based on a true story?
but lon chaney is always a great actor
and his work with creepy a55 tod browning is always great
like johnny depp and tim burton
jd lc
tb tb
check this one out
its worth hunting down
homie
for west of Zanzibar 2 i'd like it to be right after the end of the 1st movie and  the lionel berrymore and daughter are fleeing the congo. the Africans are chasing em and are riding elephants and hippos and rhinos. they escape through a hidden trail to get to the airport sooner but its a forbidden area and they find the Mokele-mbembe(a living dinosaur) now the girl uses her now discovered psychic powers to communicate with it and control it to fight the africans on elephant and rhino and hippo. the rest of the movie ids them on it and battling Africa animals with stop motion cr-p like ray harryhausen and willis Obrien.

Panic In Year Zero Review

note; spelling right is so 2001
panic in year zero
this is my review on panic in yeer zero
its got frankie Avalon (no relation to sakura Avalon) and is from the 60s
it starts with radio playing good music and this couple loading their car
a teen comes out and sez it 10 past 4 am
but its bright out
even if it is black and white
btw its very widescreen
ewwwwwwwwwwww
the fam drives away with a trailer
the dad wants to b0ne the mom
but then theres a flash behind em
they stop and he checks the trailor windoirs
as does the fam
LA is going up in light
and the radio stations don't work
but its 7 12 am
they drive on until they get a payphone
nowadays they'd use a cr-ppy cell phone
f u steve jobs!
u f'd the world!
burn in h-ll you p o s!
hope j fk's b0nin ja!
the payphone don't work when they called home
they look back and its a mush room cloud
LA got nuked!
good!
I got 1 less problem with out ja!
its like with Sodom and Gomorrah
consumed by h-llfire it brought on itself with its sins
the radio sez something about missiles
at a gas station 1 guy freaks out when he has to pay for gas as he has no cash and slugs out the gas guy
he b--ches about the dad not helping him
as they drive the wife wants to go back to get her mom
shes dust
as they drive other cars go nuts
they stop at a restaurant and its packed
and everyones a d-ck
mom calls her mom but no answer
also a guy sez to dad; skip the next couple towns, people are pouring outta LA likew lava from a volcano
more like wasps fleeing a hive being sprayed!
dad decides to stay out of civilization until its civilized
in other words; the 80s
but by the 2010s he might go back out
later when driving he takes a turn down a road to avoid people
they stop at a store that's closed until 9
so he sez he'd buy a few hun-dred $$ of cr-p and he opens up
if this were a union store they'd not let people be free to do their business outside of the usual rules
as it said in santa claus is coming to town; don't be da rule, be da exception!
he buys 190$ of cr-p and tells the owner to hide his goods
jokes on him, cash is useless after the disaster
bowner sends him to the hardware store saying the guys crazy but hears about LA
at the hardware store they buy guns
In new Sodom I mean California I surprised they have guns
gun store owner wont sell him the guns due to commie laws
so he holds the guy up and sez he can pay him the rest(he only has enough cash for half) later
they fight and frankie Avalon the teen saves the dad and they get away
as they drive mom goes whiny about him gun jacking that guy
dad sez they gotta survive
rankie sez the law don't matter but dad sez the law will return and they gotta be around for it
new York, Chicago phildelphia san fran sicko and LA got nuked
maybe its for the best
also London paris and rome
some others too
they get gas but the gas guy tries to swindle him by saying he changed the price but not the sign
he cant afford it
gas guy wants some... other, way to pay
hes gonna b0ne him!!
but he sez jewelry
still sounds fruity
so he slugs the gas guy out
they get to a town but it don't want people from LA(who would??)\
a LA guy got in b4 and f'd up some guy
h drives past and uses gunfire to cover
they stop and some punks slug him out and take his gun
they want his guns, gas and babes
it looks like they might b0ne him too
frankie Avalon caps ne and dad gets the gun back
they say they were only kidding
to quote my black friends; my a55!
the capped one only got a bit of buckshot
he lets em go
the frankie Avalon kinda liked shooting the punk
like 30s batman
dad sez he should only use it when needed and hate it
like 90s batman
later they cone to a traffic jam and the people push the dad car through
the traffic is too fast and furious to get through so they drive offroad
they stop and wait for it to get dark
the sister is tired rom sitting and not moving for hours
lazy a55!
shes gonna get FAAAAAAAAAAAT!!
later its night and dad gets some gas and spreads it on da road
he trows a match and lights it up
the cars stop for fire
its a car!
ur safe in there!
drive through it!
they drive past
later its day maybe(I'm not sure as 4 10 am was bright) and they go to a park
dad takes down the sign to it and closes the gate to keep out the homies
frankie sez theres a cave big enough to live in at there
after they cross a bridge the dad takes it out
what if you need to escape??
they go to the cave and set up base like the maximals in season 3 of beast wars
at night they give thanks to the Lord for helping them live today
nowadays they'd attack God
dad sets up some rules for survival
the men shaving and stay civilized
do the chicks shave their pits?
or are they French??
they also hide provisions in cASE someone finds the cave
the radio sez Canada got f;d too
and things are so f'd that they are gonna call it; year zero!
and the president sez every American has to restore law and order
so malcontents aren't americans?
good
then we can bust em!
later the dad and son are on patrol and a guy gets the dad at gunpoint
but the son saves him
him and his woman were living in the trailer the main guys dumped
also some guys are going off da chain near by
he sends the guy back and gives him no advice
oh an the guy was fishing here for years
later frankie bags a deer but hears 2 more gunshots form the farm with the off the chain guys
he tells dad and they check iout the fishing guy
frankie hides behind the window and a gun from inside blows his head open
well the last part didn't happen
they really find the guy and his woman iced
they check out the farmhouse and the hardware store guy (I think)drives away from there
dad sez to do nothing
2 teens come out of the house
later the moms doing laundry and a doll goes by em
the teens find the doll downstream
then find the sister
they start trying to b0ne her
but realy just toss her back and forth
then they b0ne her as she calls for mom
mom finds em and shoots but misses and they run
they don't show it but I think they b0ned her
in violence jack evil town it showed the punks b0ning the chicks
but here its implied
better than fritz the cat
the guys walk up to the horse girl
then it cuts to her bummed out
I had to read online they b0ned her
at least in la blue girl or Urotsukidoji it shows them getting b0ned
easier to understand
dad finds out and him and frankie go after em
oh and is 2 of the teens he had a chance to ice but let go after they attacked him on the road and the 3rd got capped
had he iced em when he had the chance his daughter would still be a butt virgin
in the farmhouse they laugh at the girl they b0ned
dad and frankie goes to Hollywood bust in
they ice em
it would be better if they blew off their hands and their parts so they couldn't fight back
they look around and find the 3rd guy hooked up to a life support/b0ning machine that keeps him alive by b0ning him
k I made that up
they find a secks slave they kept
she sez theres a 3rd guy out there
she lived there and the punks iced her rents and b0ned her a lot
the dad's rough on her but frankie is nice and they invite her back to their cave
also the dad and frankei hide the bodies of the 2 he iced
later dad feels bd about killing two raepists and murderers
the guy who iced gacy mustve felt bad too
franie munez talks to his sister but shes not up to it
bu she goes with him anyway to check the rabbit traps
don't eat rabbit
its not kosher
oh wait its not his sister its the girl he saved
later they are outta kerosene and might need to use fire
it might attract homies so they gotta have 24 hour shifts
the radio sez theyre rebuilding civilization and its coming near where they are
sister is malcontent as all her friends got nuked and shes not a butt virgin
dad sez not to go yet as the bad guys heard the broadcast too and the roads crawl with em
also its too soon
later sister sez frankie likes the girl and dad stands guard
later frankie is chopping wood and the 3rd guy comes back and catches her at gunpoint
frankie tries to be tough and throws a log at him
he shoots frankies thigh and the girl caps the 3rd man
later dad checks out frankie and sez he needs a dr
so they drive to a near town where there might be one
on the radio it sez America is talking with the bad guys who nuked it about peace
that means they got owned and surrendered
I blame the democrats
this is the 60s
that means j fk or l bj
they arrive in town and its abandoned
so they go everywhere and find the dr
he checks the dad 1st to make sure hes not a junkie
then heals the son
but the son needs blood
he pays the dr in bullets
not capping him
but as the dr also has a 45
they say the America won
but the frankie has 3 hours to get more blood
wait
why didn't the dr drain some blood from the family and give it to frankie?
theyre related
I'm sure one of em is a match
as they drive a car nearly hits em but comes back
it holds him at gunpoint with a machine gun
but tis the army
they had to be careful
they go on and the army guys say they are not irradiated and are good ones
they drive on and the credits roll
good way to keep our nterest other than looking for p0rn0 names
lol dick rubin
hes in this
at least theres not 2 b's in rubin
that's gonna be my new word for j-rkin off
me; hay sean! have u been dick rubin??
lol
wtf they just drive and it ends
they don't show if he made it
the end
that was cool
I love offbeat 60s films
this is like violence jack 0
more like fist of the north star cuz of the nucular holocost
but this was good
if its on, watch it
wait!
what about the hardware store guy?!
they just forgot about him!
for panic in year zero 2 i'd like for the radiation to have mutated people and turned them into sowbug people. they go around eating people and soon the wastelands are filled with these mutants who breed fast and get humans pregnant with their sowbug babies that crawl out their bellybutton in swarms after making them xpand huge. also frankie Avalon had his dead leg replaces with a cyber leg that has blades in it that lets him kick and spin kick through things. he fights the sowbug people when they get near. also he got a transfusion from an irradiated guy so he has some sowbug powers. its also a platform game on sega genesis, nes and Gameboy advance with you playing as frankie Avalon who goes through the area in different towns and hives to take out the mutants and free the area.

River Of No Return Review

note; spelling cr-ppy is cooler than being a square

river of no return

this is my review for river of no return(1954)

its got Marilyn Monroe and Robert mitchum

its a 1875 set film filmed in soviet Canada

ewwwwwwwwww

widescreen

half of the tv is blackbars

after 1 20th century fox logo it starts with mitchum chopping down a tree

as he goes on a horse the theme somg for the film plays

nowadays we'd get 4 minutes of logos and cr-p

after the credits, he comes home at night

those were long credits to last all afternoon

mitchum talks with a priest wo compares the town to Sodom and Gomorrah

wait til the 2010s

he asks about a 9 year old boy

hope its not like in night of the hunter

in a tent Marilyn Monroe in a skimpy dress for the 1800s sings o guiar

mitchum reunites with his son (the 9 year old) after beatng up a guy

b4 they go the kid sez bye to marilyn

then she sings about cash and swings around a tent pole

after that she makes out wither drunk bf and gets changed

he just got gold claim

but he wants to get outta town

so she gives him her cash

meanwhile, mitcxhuim and his son are leaving and they see indiANS in town

later they are on his farm and doing farm stuff

mitchum sez they will beat those after gold

his son wants a rifle and mitchum sez ok\

nowadays some candy a55 would go mental cuz of kids seeing or being in the same area as a gun

the kid asks mitchum where he was all those years but he dodges it my teaching the kid to shoot

they shoot branches off a tree

nowadays some plant rights nut would get triggered by that

mitchus sees Indians near and sez he can fight em off to protect his land

nowadays he'd be the bad guy for that

then they save the bf and monrow from a raft on the river they are out of control on

the ki finds mrilin monrow pretty and mitchum sez beauty is skin deep

the kid talks to Marilyn and she sings on a guitar

shes pretty good

at dinner marilun talks with the kid about supply and demand about how easy to get cr-p isn't as valuable as hard to get cr-p

the kid mentions a mink is hard to get

weird as Minerva mink from animaniacs original test name was Marilyn mink

later the drunk bf takes mitchums gun and horse and holds him up

he sez hes gonna give it back

but if u take it w/o consent its still theft

mitchum wants him to bring the boy as theres Indians around

the kid sneak attacks the bf and in the chaos mitchum fights him over the gun

bf wins and ko's mitchum

maruilin stays behind and bf goes on to his place he wants to go(I'm not 100% on it (I'm not fully paying attention(and not cuz of marilin)))

but the indians are watching

mitchum wakes up but sees Indians coming so they book it on the raft

if he had more guns he'd not have this problem

the Indians burn down his home and shoot arrows at em

this is kinda like with the LA riots how the store owners with guns held back the malcontents from burning and looting their places and didn't get beat dead

later they stop at a safe area and recover/regroup

at evening Marilyn sings and guitars

she had a good voice

too bad r fk had her iced cuz she was gonna expose j fk and r fk b0ning her

their dad was pretty awful too

j fk's sister was a bit slow.

so rather than let her fall in love and have kids like normal people, her dad joe had her lobotomized!

and it made her a vegetable!!

mom; oh joe! what did you do to our daughter!?

joe; stop your crying! its not like shes human or anything!

mom; this is worse than if you had her put to sleep like the other one!

joe; if thats how you feel, then...  (raises his big irish fist and busts open his daughters head like a tomato!! ) joe; there! happy yet?!

mom; oh joe! your a monster! i only hope our sons dont inherit your evil!

Marilyn Monroe; too late!

lol

so later marilin cuts the raft and it goes off

mitchum; next time you do something like that, i'll forget ur a woman!

nowadays assuming someones gender would cause some malcontents to go mental

she argues with mitchum and reveals mitchum wasn't there for his kid cuz he was in prison cuz he shot a man in the back

the kid hears and mitchum explans the guy was bad and was gonna iced a friend of mitchums

mitchum; what does it matter how you kill a snake?

nowadays that would trigger those malcontents who see criminals as victims when they bite it during their crimes

they build a new raft and go off

but have to go through the river of no return

what is this? the legend of Zelda?

the effects are them infront of what the 50s used for green creens

after they get through it merilun blacks out

so they stop and take her to a cave

shes awake and shivering but he cant use fire cuz Indians can find em easier

he tells her to get out of her wet clothes

ohhhhhhhhhhh

naked Marilyn Monroe!!

he leaves her to get nude and reassures his kid that Marilyn wont bite it

he sends the kid to get food and goes back in with Marilyn Monroe only wearing a blanket

he checkes her clothes and comments on her bloomers

nowadays they'd be a thong

he gives her a backrub while shes under the blanket

then a leg rub

I'm surprised he doesn't get under there with her... to share bodyheat

she sez sorry for outing him to his son

then they fade to them in front of he fire with he kid there

did they b0ne?

later on the raft mitchum sleeps and Marilyn talks with the son

kid sez he ate a worm once

they talk about why his dad iced that guy and why he was in jail for it

then they see some deer in the water

mitchum woke up and used a rope to catch one

it dissolves to them cooking it

they didn't wanna show him wasting it and chopping it up with his hunter knife

later mitchum talks to his son

sez tasking a mans horse can get the owner killed

Marilyn monrow returns from taking a waterfall bath and is more cheerful

they talk about how he hates the bf and don't gotta hate her

then they fight/make out

I think hes trying to b0ne her

but b4 he can the son calls for help

a cougar is there

mitchum fights em but hunters cap it

the hunters smelled their food

they share deer with em and talk

the hunters are looking for someone

they recognize monrow

they reveal they are looking for the bf

they offer to get Marilyn but she don't consent

one fights mitchum for some reason

mitchum wins

mitchum holds him at knifepoint with his own knife and sends the other guy away

after the other guy gets far enough, he lets the guy hes got go and leaves on a raft

later they stop for night and talk about how gold turns people bad

the next day they are on the river and the Indians attack

he uses the gun he got off the hunter to defend himself

the Indians jump on the raft and he fights em off

he falls into the water and hangs on the rudder

they go through rough water for a bit

after the rough water they make it to the city

they hear the bf is at a place called the black nugget

later Marilyn finds him and complains he didn't go back to give the horse and gun back

she sez he needs to tell mitchum why he did it as he can kill him and no one would blame him

he sez he s-cked b4 and don't wanna go back

but is gonna talk to him anyway

and hes got a firearm

he goes up to ice mitchum but his son caps him in the back to save the dad

hes freaked out but marilun comforts him as there was no other way

its either mitchum of him

nowadays they'd make the son look bad for it

marunlim leaves and goes to the saloon

next we see her singing the theme song of this film in a skimpy dress for the 1800s(but covered up compared to arianna grande, nikki minaj and lady gaga)

but mitchum carrys her out and they go home

the end

that was pretty good

I loved the bold color and how its in the 1800s

good singing my Monroe and mitchum was pretty bada55

like a lighter john wayne

if they remade this it would s-ck a55

for river of no return 2 i'd like for it to be the 90s(1890s) and Monroe has had a few kids from mitchum,and the illegitimate son of the guy who was Marilyns bf but from a prior gf, comes after the son (now a big buff guy like hulk Hogan) for icing his dad. hes raised a group of malcontents paid em with the gold his dad got but never used in the 1st movie(which has built up interest over the last decade and a bit). after word gets to the fam, they start setting up brutal trapds that cjop up, dismember or otherwise splatter anyone who comes on their turf. so the bf son sends wave after wave of his own men to trip em until he can get to the good son safely. then its a deathmatch with the big buff son vs the bf son who's a midget but in a power suit.