Thursday, February 4, 2016

13 Ghosts Review

note, my keyboard s=cks so this review has bad typing
13 ghosts
this is my review for THIR13EN ghosts
I saw the 60s version which made more sense and wasn't as gory or nude
it starts with these rich dudes using a psychic to catch a ghost
some guys try to protest against his slave owners rights of owning wicked spirits
the psychic is a whiner and a weiner
they use magic school bus glasses to see ghosts
and a truck full of blood to attact the ghost
I hope that blood has aids or hepatitis
otherwise it could've been used to save people
the ghost kills a buncha workers like in Jurassic parks opening
I don't think tose hippies against ghost slave owners rights show up again
also the rich guy who funded the thing gets wacked
why don't they use psychic powers or charms to fight the ghosts?
even the ghostbusters had proton pax
maybe say a prayer or something?
they go unarmed into a ghost hunt
this is how the destination truth and monster quest guys are gonna die
they go off, unarmed, into a place where something is said to kill people
and never find anything
but one day theyre gonna find a daemon or dinosaur
and its gonna be cannibal holocost all over again
ten a guy(played by the guy who did MONK) is informed his uncle (the rich guy from earlier) isdead and he gets some inheritance
thisplot sounds right out of Scooby doo
monk's son is really interested in the guy being dead
hes probably gonna be a serial killer or naecrofiliac when he grows up
maybe both
not that theres anything wrong with that
so they go out to the woods to this weird house
and someoneelse is getting dynamite and has articles about paranormal things on her wall
the rich guy was 57?!
but monks like in his 40s
then the psychic from b4 poses as an electrictian to get inside
they go on and the house activates
this series of gears and switches and levers and pee wee herman things go off
its like a bad Zelda game
the walls have latin runes on it
and the psychic is nervous and wants to leave
this is just like house on hanted hill
this film has a late 90s/early 00s charm
the psychic is looking for money and has seizures or w/e about ghosts
psychic types are weak to ghost type moves in pokemon
the ghosts ar molesting his mind
he comes out about him being a ghost hunter for his uncle and warns him to get his fam out but doesn't explain why very well
the lawyer uses ghose specs and gets in the room with the cash but triggers a trap
the house goes all pulleys and gears and rearranges into a boss temple
the naked chick ghost scares him to a wall and it cuts him in half(front/back)
b4 the naked chick gost can kill someone, the level changes
the glass is shatterproof and soundproof and has runes to keep the ghosts in
and the doors are opening!!
the calls are coming from inside the house!!
the maniac's inside the mailbox!
another ghost attacks but that hippie from b4 saves em with a flare
she wants to free these daemons?!
maybe we otta seal em away
also she reveals monks uncle is making an evil machine powered by ghost to see the future
it needs 13 specific ghosts; 1 for each zodiac
its like a bad videogame
the psychic nearly gets beat to death with a baseballbat ghost
the evil machine reminds me of Urotsukidoji 2; legend of the demon womb
with the Nazi's using a lust machine to summon daemons
and in the 90s, the lead scientists son using tries to take over the 3 realmsusing an evil machine and ritual
but this has less b0ning
and nazis
but it does have a naked chick
shes censored in the tv version im watching
they edited her big nipples to look blank
and even in the uncut version they don't show her hot dog
plot twist
monks wife is one of the ghosts in the place
and with this machine, monks uncle can see the future to gain power
but wait
if it sees the future
and he sees it and acts on it
wont it change?
will it see the altered future?
or was it planned all along?
also the 13th GHost is monk sacrificing himself to activating it
this is like a weird yugioh summoning condition
they take off a glass wall and use it as a shield to fight  the ghosts
but if they can take off walls, wgy dodnt they do it b4 when they were looking for the kids?
they didn't know about the ghosts
also the maid and hippie go down to buy mobk some time
will they get iced??
place bets now!!
I liked that show
it was one of those Japanese styled weird shows
the hippie was working for the uncle the whole time
andwas his buttbuddy
also the uncle was alive the whole time and pulling the strings behind the scenes
oh and the psychic sacrifices himelf for no real reason
and gets beat to death by ghosts
and they probably b0ne his b0dy
double naecroifilia!!
the uncle sacrifices his buttbuddy hippie and places monks kids in a cgi machine
monk goes ocd and counts each ghost incase the audience didn't read it the last time
he realizes as hes the 13th, his uncle isn't a ghost
he beats on him but his uncle beats back and kicks his candy a55
the maid distracts the uncle by randomly pulling levers and it frees the ghosts
who slo mo thro uncle into the machine and he gets diced
in front of and all around monks kids
psychic ghost gives some vauge advice ad the macine explodes
using his autism, monk times his jump to be in the machine cgi blades with his kids and theyre safe
the gosts leave and off to kill more people outside
they see their mom once more and leave the blown up house
the credits have a funky rap
for 13 ghosts 2 I'd like the uncle ghost to rise up and begin reaking vengeance on anyone who ever wronged him in chronological order. so monk's fam has to reunite the 13 ghosts to stop him. the 13 ghosts become equip cards for him and he has ghost armor tio fight his uncle who's eaten the souls of all his victims to become a ghose chimaera.

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