Friday, February 5, 2016

2001 A Space Odyssey Review

there may be typoes. I don't care
2001 a space odyssey
this is my review on 2001 a space odyssey
I remember when the year 2000 was a big thing
now that was years ago and no one cares what future year we're in
currently we live around one of the Robotech era stories
the year 2001 kinda s-cked
lets hope this movie doesnt
just kidding
it does
so after 5 mins of overture(with kinda haunting ecco the dolphin sounds) we get around half an hour of no one talking
I mean its good in silent films
but that has good interactions and character development and actual story you can get
here its just guys in monkey suits b0ning eachother
and by that I mean killing with bones
so these monkees are just smelling eachothers buttfingers and drinking watert they peed in while in a mad max wasteland
1 of em fights a jaguar
then a rival gang come by and they go mental
this reminds me of those prison shows wjhere they take the teens in to show their future and the inmates are going mental
later this black pillar appears with these apes and they freak out
once I put my transmetal tarantulus transformer in my tarantula cage
he didn't care
imagine the director telling these people in costumes what to do
then theres a sun moon earth alignment and it cuts to the apes paying with bones
this scene has been parodied in more things than gone with the wind
btw this film is very widescreen
2/5ths of my screen is black bars
what a waste of space
so it plays music duing a monkee slowly beating bones with a bone
talk about b0ning
then them eating red mush
then theres some kind of gang war with the bone apes and rthe real apes
and the bone ape beats it dead with his bone
he boned him
like getting kneed or elbowed
then the ape throws the bone up and it spins
and it cuts to space with some starship going aROUND the earth]
u know what other movie took place in 2001?
riki-oh; the story of ricky
that was actually good
I loved the books
then we get a space station or craft with people in it moving slowly for a long time]
at least in 300 it had epic battles and shifted from slow to quick speed a lot
but 2001 a space odyssey at least doesn't use cg
the effect look real
too bad it lingers on it endlessly
after much filler this guy arrives on the moon from ameroca for vacation
he later skypes with his daughter on earth
he sez he cant make it to her birthday party
she sez she wants a bush baby
I assume that's some kind of 21st century furby
later the guy talks with some people and they say they haven't had contact with some placwe for 10 days
theres reports of some plague going on there
then they go from the space station to the moon
I guess he was only on the station b4
we get a meeting of some white guys saying the plague was a fake story meant to cover the real deal
they don't wanna reveal the truth yet as it might freak some people out
then this vehicle goes on the moon surface
the people on it reveal they found a thing buried on purpose 4 million years ago
but creation sciencve sez the earth is only 6000
they land the vehicle and go to this big black pillar
they slowly walk around and go near it and then take a picture
then theres a ping and everyone falls clutching their helmets
I think their heads exploded
all looking boring but it has annoying music so it tries to be cool
this takes like 7 minutes
shouyldnt it be silen cuz its in space?
no air on da moon
unless its in sailor moon
that would explain the thing
the moon kingdom
18 months later this mission goes to the 5th planet in the solar system and its just 1 long pipe of a ship
cld make it look cool?
star trek came out a year earlier and looked way better
this 1 guy is running on the walls of this space station and punching air
he thinks hes rocky
using camera angles and a mobile set, they make it look real
like in that fred Astaire film where he dances on the walls and celing
then he watches a news story on his mission while eating colored paste
its a 5 man crew but 3 members are in cryosleep doing the trip
theres also an A I  system HAL 9000
wasn't HAL the Nintendo company that did Kirby?
this A I controls the ship systems but needs people to do things
he claims to be perfect (like cell in dbz) and has synthetic feelings
in the 90s we had tamagotchi so I guess this film got it right
they should've brought a sega
give em something to do over the half billion mile trip
later a guy skypes his parents
hes in his undies and shoes
I sometimes stay inside wearing just my undies
its also his birthday
later someone plays chess with HAL
and gets creamed
in the 90s I played chessmaster 2000 on a computer
I was able to win sometimes
we eastern Europeans are good at chess
later dave (not the Alvin and the chipmunks guy) shows his drawings of the cryosleep people to HAL
also HAL sez that theres rumors of things dug up on the moon
and how they trained the other 3 dr's but put em in cryosleep b4 they left
hes suspiciopus
also some part of the ship will cripple out after 72 hours but works fine until then
so the 2 guys go to space pods (after much time wasted getting there) and 1 goes out and checks it
this takes a long time and I goy bored and looked up a go nagai gendizer giga video while watching
they find nothing wrong but HAL sez to put it back and after it busts they see what caused it
theyre gonna be out of comunicatuon with earth
HAL sez its cuz of "human error"
dave tells the birthday guy(frank) to help him in his pod
they both go in the pod and turn off the audio feed
he cant hear em
one guy sez he don't trust HAL and they sense something off with him
one guy suggests disconnecting HAL if hes malfuibnctioning
but hal is looking at their lips
they should've pretending to be b0ning and used that as a cover
if this film was made today, they'd tack on a romance subplot and have a female character added
I hate that
maybe they'd have 2 sceintists fall in love and have a badly done love scene
maybe they'd have some guys go prison gay
they are in space for like 2 years w/o chix
so we get an intermission with dissonant
when we get back this guy takes his pod out and something happens and hes lost in space w/o an air line
shouldn't they have a built in device in the suit where it seperatwes the carbon from oxygen and keeps u alive?
this isn't like deep sea diving with a hose to the surface
so franks dead
I think his suit depressurized and he exploded in it
he probably looks ike lasagna inside
splattered all over his suit
and dave goes into space to recover4 his pieces
but he don't put on his helmet b4 getting in the pod
after a long chase like a bad video game level, he catches franks mushy remains in a siut
people bash dbz for being just 21 minutes of guys screaming and blasting ki at eachother
but at least it looks cool
this is worse
at least theres banter and cool dialogue
even in the cheese 90s version
where they said
mondo cool
and gatlic jr kept making baseball refs
while bob or dale or w/e is out getting whats left of frank, HAL microwaves the cryosleep people and they cook dead
oh yeah his names dave
he asks HAL to open te doors to let him in but HAL wont cuz he thinks dave will screw up the mission
he knows they wanted to isconnect him cuz he read their lips
if they had thick accents like Slovenian or w/e it might've saved em
HAL cuts off communication with one last mesage
I was kinda creeped out when HAL said; this conversation can serve no purpose
dave throws franks pieces in a suit off into space (negating the whole reason he went out) and opens a side door with his pod arms
he lines up the pod with the ship opening goes in and jumps into the thing
he bounces around and hits the switch and the door closes and airlock restores
this is like in Robotech how rick went out into space to get the tuna
btw\ this takes like15 minutes
dave goes into HAL's brain palace and takes it apart as HAL (like a kid caught doing something bad) sez "im sorry. I didn't mean it. i'll be good. lets think about this."
dave knows the 1st chance HAL gets, hes gonna blw him into blood and chunks
he keeps trying to play the sympathy card and sociopath play with daves emotions to benefit himsef
this is like in Robocop how kurtwood smith is begging Robocop to spare him
later he comes back and kells some people
so Robocop sez; im not arresting u anymore
this gradually brain damages the HAL and he starts singing DAISY slowy and distorted
I don't get it
is this meant to be funny?
what is this?
then this pre recorded message sez that the mission (known only to the HAL) was cuz the pillar on the moon is made by space monsters and sent a message to the moon on the planet halfway through the solar system
why wernt there any weapons board the ship?
theyre going on a mission to find alien life but are on a spacecraft with 0 weapons
what if they're savages?
what if its a trap?
even in Robotech the peace mission to tirol to prevent another war was armed
its like those monster hunter shows where people go into the jungle looking for some 9 foot tall abomination and have no weapons nor armor nor any way out
i mean they never find anything
but 1 day theyre gonna get shredded
so dave reaches the planet's moon and theres some space alignment thing
he goes through 25 minutes f weird trippy effects then is shown in a room at various ages
then he's an unborn baby in space or something
I guess he was taken to a dimension beyond time
the end
glenn beck and frank miller were in the credits
I assume not THAT glenn beck nor THAT frank miller
like if the black guy from Brooklyn 99 (terry crews) had a son named tom, he'd be tom crews
I like terry crews
hes fun and cool and a pretty good actor
plus those old spice adds
terry crews, if ur reading this, don't name ur next son tom
for 2001 2 I'd like for dave to have been observed and experimented on by these space daeMONS who mess with his mind with brain jammers (and those trippy effects are what he experienced when he was caught) they keep him in a time hole where he randomly changes ages and use their experiments on him to see how his body will react then undo it by de aging him. his soul cries out to his family on earth and they hear his plea. they pray and angels arrive and say they were sent in response to their prayers. the angels team up with the humans and theres an epic space battle with these aliens (who look like la blue girl or Urotsukidoji darmons) and these manly tough cool warrior angels to free dave b4 the aliens discover the weakness of the human body. also, dave discovers how to have better control over his body cells in the time hole and gains super powers to fight the aliens (as well as a resistance to the brain jammers)

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