Friday, February 5, 2016

Home Alone Review

notw; theres typoes. my typing s-cked
home alone
this is my review on home alone
people say I used to look like the home alone kid in the 90s
but I got buff and fat and he turned into Gollum from lord of the rings
better than Jackie coogan or w/e from those silent films
he became uncvle fester or ron Jeremy or w/e
this movie also has cathrine o hara from nightmare b4 xmas
she was the gf
jogn willians and chris columibs did this
they also did hartry potter
so it astarrts with this fam getting ready for xmas and this little blonde dink keeps being a little brat
smart a55
his names kevin
one kid sez the kid cant survive on his own and needs his fam and is helpless
just like that guy at the start of violence jack
after meeting jack he became a great leader
also theres this geezer out shoveling who is rumored to have chopped up his fam with a shovel
this IS violence jack!!
also is this italiano cop in there asking questions
hes probably gonna save the kid from the killer
he asks the dad if hes taking precautions in case of break ins at xmas
so thia 90s teen p-sses off keven and he tries to kill him
but in the chaos he makes a mess
after some hate, they send him upstairas
and the mom tells the cop theyre going to paris for xmas
so the mom banises kevin to the 3rd floor and he b--ches about his family s-cking
he wants em to disappear
that night is a stoerm asndf the power goes out
they wake up realizing they overslept and rush to get to the airporte
while the fam gets ready, this autistic kid asks the van guy 1000 questions
while counting to see if they have everyone, rthey count the kid and kevin sleeps in upstairs
oh and the phone lines got screwed up
I like how this fam is rich and not one of those slummy fams most movies focus on
so then they leave the country and kevin wakes up
20 mins in and hes home alone
ooh, the teen has a pet spider
I had a tarantula;a for like a decade as a kid/teen
while looking for his fam the furice comes to life asnd roars
I think this place is haunted
after realizing how his fam is isn't there and thinks how they treted him like cr-p, he celebrates
he goes through his fams stuff and doesn't find playboy hot
nude scenes are gross
he also watches "angels with filthy souls" which sounds like a P0RN0
this guy gets shredded with gunfire
hahaha this is awesome
also the mom senses that somethings missing
she realizes she left her kid behind
meanwhile, the italiano and his homie are revealed to be crooks who are gonna jack the houses while the fams are out
keven gous outside to prove hes not afraid but sees thew shovel killer and runs inside
the mom calls for help to the authorities but they reveal shes goimg nuts for nothing
later she gets em to send a cop to check on him
but hes hiding under the covers and thery think not there
the next dad he uses something on his face and does the scream thing
he also breaks this shelf and frees the tarantula
and steals cash from his teen bro
later he buys a tooth brush butfreaks out seeing the shovel killer and runs off w/o paying
after a chase through the park (that would use cg if made today) he gets away
also the italiamno and friend were jacking homes and plugging sinks and leaving the taps on
then the pair nearly run over kevin but he recoginixez his shiny tooth
they follow him and its like a horror movie
had they only crushed him undr their car this could be different
he escapes them near a church
nowadays they'd censor the church
at night he sets up a crazy gimmicky system of fake people (jinzou ningen) to trick the guys into thinking thertes someone home
later, kevin plays clips of the angels with filthy souls tape to deal with a pizza delivery guy
including the part of gunfire
like that wont get him to call the cops
then the mom catches a plane to texas to get baxck to america
cuz all amrrica is america
like them using Irishmen for anna Karenina or dr zhivago
then kevbin goes shopping for grocerices
he outsmarts the cashier asking if hes alone
later he does laundry and the furnace calls at him
it wants to eat him
later the crooks come by and the non Italian one checks it out
kevin plays the angels with filthy souls tape and uses fire crackers to scare him off
the crooks decide to see who it is whos shredding people with gunfire incase they get caught and they can out someone or w/e
so the momas trying to get to kevin and this pole plasyed by jon candy is going to milwalky and can give her a ride
were this made nowadays he'd be indian or Mexican ort something
but in the 90s, poles counted as exotic
btw, candy was uncle buck in uncle buck with the home alone kid
the other crooks name is marv
like in sin city
so the crooks findout kevins home alone and they wanna jack his house
that night kevin sees santa (a mall santa) and sez he wants his fam back
then he goes to church and meets the shovel killer
its revealed hes a nice guy and he's in church to see his grand daughter
he sez the legends of him chopping up his fam are untrue
also his son hates him and they had a fight and haven't spoken in years
he hasn't called as he fears his son wont talk to him
this is a good movie
the older man getting advice from the youth and vice versa
innocence and wisdom counter responding
very wonderful scene
now the older guy would be getting advice from the kid to fix his damaged relationship while being shown as needing to be "corrected" by the more worldly youth
then kevin plans a buncha traps for the approaching crooks
I real life any of these are deadly
or could at least cause severe damage
after he thanks the Lord for giving him mac and cheese, the crooks arrive
the kid neuters one with a bb gun
the other he gets in the forehead
why don't they just kick in the door and b0ne him dead?
they try to go in other ways but slip on ice
btw in real life I bet jow pesci the italiano would be swearing like a rapper
or the iron shiek b4 facing hulk Hogan
marv gets in but an iron falls on his face
jow pesci gets 3rd degree burns on his hand from a super heated door knob
hes branded
marv gets a nail in his foot
this is turning into SAW
joe pesci gets his head caught on fire
then gets in bt a trap sprays him with glue and feathers
kinda a downgrade from fire
marv steps on broken glass
they then slip on micro macbines
then get paint can blows to the skull
wtf the joe pexcvi sez hes gonna neuter kevbion and boil em in motor oil
mav catches kevin but he puts a tarantula on his face to scare him off
then martv beats joe pesci with a crowbar cuz he had a spider on him
jow takes a rew swings at marcv
then kevin escapes on a rope zipline and has called da copz
the crooks follow on hand on the rope but kevin cuts the rope
kevin escapes into another house but the robbers outfox him and catch him
they plan to do to him what he did to them
seems fair
they also wanna bite off his fingers
then the shovel killer busts their heads with a shovel and the cops get em
the next day its Christmas and kevens mom returns and they reconcile
then the rest of the fam return and they r glad to see him
btw, kevin only eats cheese pizza and maxc/cheese andmilk
I think hes got a dairy fetish
also thedad finds the italiano guys gold tooth and the shovel killer reconciles wuith his fam
the endf
for home alone 2 I'd like it to be a courtroom drama where the crooks have become disabled from the wounds suffered in kevins home and are sueing his fam. later one of em eats his gun and kevin is then charged with his murder for driving him to it. also kevin is having milk enema's and has become a bit howard hughes from his experiances of nearly getting killed by the crooks and his issues realizing his damage done to em.

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