Spartacus Review

noye; my keybord is badly designed and im left handing. theres gonna be typoes
sparticus
this is my review on sparticux
I notice it has jean Simmonds in it
but not the guy with the tounge
ooh! tony Curtis!
hes Jamie lee Curtis's mom or something
its set in the bible days
and it makes slavery seem really bad
most movies about this issue were more fair and balanced
so sparticus helps a slave who was unwell and the guards beat on him
so he cripples him
that soldier has a family to feed
sparticus just killed his family
sparticus is taken off to be executed
this gay seeming guy comes in to buy slaves and looks in their mouths
he seems interested in sparticus for his muscle tone
es also interested in his teeth
so he buys him
this is getting kinda 18+
hope theres no shower shenes
pick up tha t soap sparticus!
u pick it up!
oooohh!! how delightful!
he trains the slaes to be glatiartos
he talks about them being oiled, shaved and other things
this is getting kinda 18+
net, the slaves get branded
then a guy talks about liking these guys and wanting to be his friend and getting along with him
he sounds like Harvey fierstein
he tries to bait sparticus into killing him
but it don't work
then we get a bath scene
then the gay guy starts selecting women to be with the men
 a man and a wo man?!
that's not how it usually goes in greese!
what is this protoculture!?
sparticus is intrigued by his 1st tie being with a woman
sorta ike in dragon ball
but theres some gays above them watching and it kills the mood
so he goes berserk on em
he talks about not being an animal
if we called his human we'd have to do the same to the cows and horses!!
the gay guy takes the woman out as sez sparticus doesn't seem to be a man
and I think its safeto say he KNOWS men
then we get some gladial training
and sparticus is interested in that woman
they haven't turned him yet
the trainer is using him to paint on to show hit points on the human body
then asks; why are you looking at that gurl?!
I think its cuz hes str8
later his woman is gien to the spainaid
the trainer makes a comment about spartisuc abut having a good ngiht'
I assume he b0nned him in his sleep
I went to make a bagel and cream cheese while laughing about "banana hammocks" so I might have missed something. but I doubt it was important
some rich people come In to watch a deat match
sparticus's homie fears being paired up with him
the riches choose who gets to fight
iys like in the simpsons with the restrunt where u choose ur own cow and tey kill it im front of u
one woman wants the "big black one"
the other chooseds sparticus
they want the men in speedos
I assume in the real event it was men who were choosing
this cheerful guy wants sparticus's woman
another guy buys her
sparticuss homie has a daet match
sparticus has a huge dent in his chin
its like someone shot him there
his homie survived
now sparticus fights a big black guy
in a white speedo
and they ear leathe stufded armor
with straps
this is getting 18+
the big black guy wins but attacks the rich people
hes killed
his bod is left up hanging uopaide down as a warning to the other slaves
he shouldn't have attacked his masters
the trainer tells him his woman was sold
so he saps and yries to kil him
its a prison riot!
lockdown!!
prison break!
this is likr in Zelda where the castle was took over
now theyre on the loose and taking over more and more area and enlisting more and more slsaves
also burning down innocent peoples homes and property
and with the garrison absent, theres more slaves in rome than romaNS!
this is like in Robotech where thr expeditionary force left and earth was only defended by the army of thre southern cross. and having to take on both the Robotech masters and the Invid
and 1 guy in the senate doesn't believe in their gods
hes sholwn as a not very bad guy
then tony Curtis comes in as a slave who's good at singing and acting
he becomes a "body servent"
I assume that means butt buddy
theres some political subplot going on but I don't care about it
the freed slaves are getting drunk and fighting and causing mayhem
spatricis plans to loot  rome and get to the seas to be pirates
spatics then goies on raids and builds his force
and gets his woman back
the gay guy and the godless guy talk about how they like being fat
the gay guy refers to ladies as a "vice"
and the godless guy talks about his b0ning women and not getting married is noble
also he claims rome "took over 2/3rd of the world from its rightful owners"
that's not at  all how a roman leader would feel
the gat guy complains about the chicks from b4 who bought slaves in a way that shows he dislikes femals
wtf
now 2 men take a bath together alone
tony Curtis!!
noooooooooooooooooooooooooo
this is getting 18+!!
and his owner asks him all these questions about morality as tony washes him
he tries to seduce tony!
TONYYYYYYYYYY!!
his owner sez; his tastes include both snails and oysters, after talking about one being moral or just a matter of taste
we get it!
they're butt buddies!
and now the owner talls bout servibg and obeying ad loving rome
tony Curtis got outta there!!
TONYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
man
this is turning into south park
and everyones mr garison
meanwhile, sparticus trains his force in a makeshift training ground
he sez; too many women
and this angry italiano woman wines at him
she mentions casting spells
now tony Curtis is with the spartics
beter than being b0ned by some big italiano guy
then sparticis has a training montage
bt not as good as youngblood or team america
later tny does magic trix
then says some fruity poetry
its not as good as minmeis songs
tony wants to learn to fight
but sparticus wants him to teach them to sing
ten he goes on some hippie poetry about animals fighting but people want nice things and wanting to know things aout natue and stuff
then he tries to seduce his woman
then they b0ne
a man and a wo man?!
what is this pro to cul ture?!
later sparticus sneaks in to a camp and "buys" back the slaves
I doubt he had the choice
if he said no then sparticus would shank him
its like a union
u pay, or u don't make it
he wants to buy the guys ships for 50 million
witch he does
he talks with the guy and has some speech about dying free is better than dyinbg slave
but slaves can be freed
its not forever
hes not thinking 4 dimensionally
after a mnor raid, he catches the commander of the garrison of rome
he breaks a stick and sends him back with a message about him wanting to be free
at rome hes debriefed and is cast out
his master crassus gos out of the senate as a private citizen
but godless badmouths him and calls him a dictator
I assume like a union boss
later, spartices and his droogs wander through rain and mud to cheerful music
it sounds like a western musical like that doris day one
later, spatius 's woman is swimming nude but we don't see her big nipples'spatics come in and she reveals shes preggo
probably from all that b0ning shes done over the whole movie
the senate wants the spaacus gang to leave as theyre almost done
but if they go then it might cause more damage to the economy and empire
which aint doing so well now
spatrics beats the 2 groups headed to him snd kills 1900 men
all of which had families and friends who needed them
someones gotta stop this spatris
hes a dangerous malcontent
this guy wants to be the 1 leader incharge of Italy in ecxange for beating sparyticus
crassios
the godless guy is working on letting sparticus escape to keep crassis out of the headmaster postion
I had some milk and whizzed but I don't think I missed much
crassus becomes the leader and the people spartis wanted to make him boats backhanded him and now they gotta fight rome
boss battle time!
they show both spartis and crassis giving speeches at the same time but try to make spartiis look good and noble and crassis look bad
spratris wants to free every slave in italia
but that Would ruin the economy and plunge rome into being a 3rd world cesspoole
well, nowadays Italy is kinda outta cash and dragging down europe
maybe they otta bring back slavery
that might help them get ouuta debt
crassis wants to crush sparticus to prevent any uprisings
the gay guy comes in to give crasis the description of sparticus
but crasis saw him at the battle with the big black guy
but doesn't remember him
the gay guy is given a piece of the action in selling the slaves caught after the battle in exchange of identifying sparticus
they have a battle and the sparticis army uses flaming long logs to fight the romans
but then the reinforcements arrive for the romanians
woah! snap!
he lopped off this guys arm!
this is getting cool
it shot blood and everything
after the battle they say theyre gonna let them live if they give up sparticus
also crassis introducing himself as their leader and ruler of rome seemslike he doesn't belong a they never had his as their emoeprer
they all sat
im spartisic
and they all get crucifued
they find his woman with his kid she just pood out
but crassis has them taken to his place
crasusi spots tony curtis
he has them all crucified but has tomy curyis and speaircs done last
the gay guy was whipped for some reason but didn't like it
him and the godless guy plan to steal the woman spartics had from crasis
crassis has a list of the malcontent against the empire
it maKES him look bad for it
if there are malcontents in the service, they can rebell and damage things for everyone
its a play on the commie hunts during the 50s
just like sparticus and his men dying together
well, better dead than red
man
everyone ants spatricrs's woman
its like on Hokuto no ken where everyone wanted yuria
except yuria was kind amd pure hearted
and this chick isd like audry hepburn
and crassious wants her love
he tries threatening to ice her baby
this is just like in Hokuto no ken how shin toured kenshiro to get yuria to go with him
so he talks about sparticus with him
they really try to make sparticus look like Jesus
and cassius is depicted to be afraid of spartics and hats why he wants his womsn
ahhhh
this movie is like 3 hours!
it keeops going and going
at least birth of a nation wasn't a metaphor for gay communists
crassious finds sppartnicus
he has him fight tony curtus and the winner gets crucified
sparticus kills tony Curtis and they tell eachother they love eachother
I assume in the real version they had a b0ning contest to the death and sparticus b0ned tony Curtis dead
crassious reveals that sparticus's fam are his slaves
I wasn't paying attention for a bit as I was laghing at the idea of sparticus b0ning tony Curtis dead
the godless guy gets sparitics wpman away and I think the gay guy goes with her
on the way out they see sparticis crucified and the mother tells the father to behold his son
for sparticus 2 I'd like his son to use capitalism to become a high rank roman official. sparticus returns from the grave by contacting necromancers and tries to seduce his son to the wicked side of communism. his son rejects his fathers socialist schemes and must find a magic jewel to seal his ghost dad to keep his socialism from ruining the rome he built from freedom and independence and privatization.