Friday, February 5, 2016

Captain Blood Review

note; typoes
Captain Blood
this is my review on captain blood
it sounds like a horror movie
ertroly Flynn and Olivia de haviland are in it
they did a lot of films together
and were great
despite the horror sounding name, this is a pirate movie
starting in the 80s
1685 england
theres a battle and this guy horse rides to dr peter blood
a dr named blood?
that's like a bad comic book villian
the guy sez dr bloods frined was wounded
turns out blood was in several wars and is a skilled warrior
but he grew tired of fighting and became a dr
after carving up his frined on the surgical table offscreen, the brits come in
blood thinks England owned places are "Christian" countries and they wont mo lest the wounded or their helpers
but the brits (being evil) have them all arrested for going against englands deviant regent
after most of the resistance is executed and tortured (and probably b0ned) they give the survivors a trial
the brits make it seem like going against the king is like going against the Lord
most men pleed guilty but blood says hes innocent
blood tells off the system for treating him like dirt
he explains hes a dr who was doing jhis job of healing
but the court is rigged
blood proves hes a dr by outing the evil brit judge as having lung issues and has not long to live
the judge is p-ssed off and tells the jury to find him guilty since he gave medical attention to a guy who fought the evil king
dr blood and the other men are sent to be hanged but a brit wanted to make some cash(like with Joeseph and the coat of many colors) has them sold into slavery
they are taken to an auction to be sold and Olivia de haviland wants her dad to buy slaves to keep em out of the cruel brit dixon
blood doesn't open his mouth to be inspected by Dixon and Dixon slaps him(but blood just laughs)
Olivia buys blood for 10 pounds
they disagree with some things
it means they'll fall in love
then b0ne
then make a buncha irish babies
at the place the slaves are, they are whipped and used to turn a wheel of water to do something
Dixon has 1 slave whipped for trying to escape and has him branded like a cow
right on the face!!
I assume in the real version it was on his eye
so the Olivia's dad has gout and the Castlevania era dr's aint helping
so Olivia has blood dr her dad
while the dad is getting treated by blood, this cockney guy is arguing his case over a debt
so he has him work it off without really hearing his side
he also threatens him with tearing him on the rack
oh and blood fixes dad's foot
blood talks to Olivia and says its not fair how he (who was not part of the fight against the deviant regent) gets safer treatment while his slave frtiends (who fought for freedom) get treated like animals
latwer blood talks to the dr's who were there b4 him and drops hints
they pick up on em and plan an escape
errol Flynn is soooo good as blood
after he leaves the drs plan to out blood
but blood returns and sez hes got more cred than them with the dad
love errol flynn
hes so smooth
too bad he got into alcohol and died in the 60s
his wife died 50 years later
that's 50 years they could've had together
so Flynn I mean blood tells the slaves of his plan of escape but finds 1 slave tried but was caught and branded
u know, the bible is against even getting tattoos or piercings
yet these brits burn wounds in men's skin with hot iron
later, they r gonna escape and blood talks to his friend Jeremy(not ron Jeremy) and Jeremy is the only navigator among em
they need him to escape
then Dixon has blood sent to the dad and Jeremy sent to the stockaide
also Olivia covers for blood (kinda like with in gone with da wind)
they ride togetyher and get along
they fall in love
I assume instead of complimenting eachother, theyre b0ning in the real version
meanwhile, Jeremy is being whipped and denied water until he spills his gutts
then blood is gonna kiss Olivia but she slaps him
he laughs it off
that night blood is treating the dad's gout and bleeds him
when he returns, he sees Jeremy whipped and tied up
this is getting x rated
Jeremy sez he never talked and kept seeing the boat going in and out, in and out(in his mind)
Im pretty sure that means the brits were b0ning him and its just a 30s censorship for getting it said
Dixon comes back and whips blood
but then Spanish pirates come and attack the island
blood and slaves escape and find their boat sunk
so they take the Spaniards pirate ship
the Spaniards tell the dad they wont burn their island in excha for 200 000 pieces of 8
that's 1 600 000
the next day blood and slaves open fire on the Spaniards with their own cannons
I assume it was really gory in the real version
Dixon(who is actually the uncle bishop of the Olivia. I just got his name wrong) comes to thank the \guys who stopped the Spaniards but finds its blood and slaves
he gets all chummy thinking they like him despite him b0ning and whipping them
they joke about lynching him
then one guy wants to tie him to the end of a gun and blow his body apart
but since this is a 30s movie, they throw him in the water
I assume in the real version they all b0ned him at once
they then leave and become pirates
but blood misses Olivia
they also write their forme of the constitution/declaration of independence
they also give em money if they lose a limb
and if someone is evil they leave em on an island with a gun and 1 shot
once this guy wanted to suicide so he shot himself
but it missed all his organs
then he put the gun to his neck/jaw and fired
but it just damaged him w/o being deadly
then he blew out his brains
my point is, one shot isn't often enough
the human body is pretty tough
1 guy got shot in the head and survived and did college w/o half a brain
ooh, its 1687
200 years before me and Chantal strand were born
also bishop gets the dads job
1 guy shoots off his toe to get cash but is denied
that's sick
self mutilation
money can come and go
but body parts are harder to replace
later dad and Olivia are sailing and get caught by some other pirates
they are gonna de eye the dad and b0ne olivia but captain blood saves em
the eye remover is French
no wonder he's evil
blood buys her like she bought him at the slave auction but she costs 20 000 pieces of eight
that's 160 000
he uses pearls to buy them
keep the change ya filthy animal
but the frenchie really wants to b0ne them
so he has a death match with blood
wouldn't be errol Flynn w/o a sword fight
this is a lot like that movie; rob roy, where the Irishman must fight a pre vert in battle
but here the purvo aint as good
blood kills the degenerate with 1 stab
I assume in the real version he cut pieces of him off bit by bit over the fight
then his insides spilled out after his wounded body overstrained itself and Flynn I mean blood slives him in half
then into quarters
then into... pierces of 8????
Olivia is disgruntled by blood being a pirate
this is just like a reversal of what happened b4
now shes bought by him
I like how captain blood has long hair
its like in castlevania
later Olivia talks with dad about blood
Olivia has a stereotypical negative view on pierates
that's racist
so blood is returning Olivia to her uncle
his men tell him off and he quits being captain
they regret it and reaccept him as captain
they arrive and the French are fighting the english
but theyre both bad guys!!
blood and slaves defend the brits for some reason
then its revealed theres a new king and the old one is with the frenchies
blood just assumes the new king is diferent and fights the frenchies off with an epic battle that's better than cgi
they fire hot burning coals out of a cannon
after winning an epic battle, blood is gonna see the uncle but Olivia tries to stop him
she admits her love and its revealed the uncle got canned for leaving his post for hunting blood
and only the governer can save him,
then its revealed blood is the new governer
the end
what a grand film
they don't make em this good anymore
For captain blood 2 I'd like for blood to have beat englands enemys but then the king turns on blood and his men as they went against the previous king. so blood and friends become outlaws and roam the seas evading English capture. eventually they find atlantis (which is an ancient tech island that moves) and recover the 7 gems lost needed to restore its power. once powered up, they take on England with it. but the brits have ritual sacrificed a lot of their own people to give the king daemon powers and its an epic phantasy star battle with blood and friends in assault power suits and fighting brit daemons

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