Thursday, February 4, 2016

The Three Musketeers Review

note; my ketboarde is bad so theres typoe
the three musketeers
this is my review on the 3 musketeers(the 1933  version)
my dad read me the "classics illustrated" comic book version at the turn of the century
ooh! its RKO
so its france in the 1620s(Castlevania days)
back before the malcontents took over and killed the people with cash
so dartanion starts by going off into the world on a horse
he sees some guys attacking a carriage but it turns out they wernt
they are rather rude and unkind to him
well, they ARE frenchies
dartanion is a bit disgruntled aswell
the chick in the carriage that dartuanon tried to save talks to te frenchie but im not really paying attention
e blackmails her since shes been branded as a theif or w/e
I hate thieves
bac in bible times we crucified em
in samurai times they were used as sword testing
now they get higher rights than their victims
anyway, dartanion gets k o'd and wakes up in some place after going mental for 2 days
too bad the scarlet pimpernel isn't here to teach those frechies what for!
later datanion comes to paris and his horse cripples out
that horse isn't as attractive as the my little pony babes
he gives it to a guy to look after and goes to the king to see the musketeers
we get a cool training scene of synchronized swordsmanship
theres 3 top musketeers who are high leveled warriors or paladins
this sounds like a video game where you gotta work ur way up and bring down the 3 musketeers to free france from the frenchies
dartNION comes in with a letter but the musketeers ignore him
the headmaster or commander or chief or w/e talks to the top 3 about them fighting
frenchies can be quite aggressive
then the chief gives them some wine cuz europans like wine
then the chief talks to darnatin even though he was just offscreen the whole time but no one cared to even notice him
the chief knew him since he was born
the chief was homies with dartnain dad and has the sword that's the equal to dartanions
sorta like in valis III with leethus and valis being equal blaDES
so dartaoon has to serve 2 years as a cadet or something b4 becoming a musketeer
hen dartanion recognizes the frenchie from the carriage as a jerk and goes off to kill him
but the musketeers trip him and challenge him to a duel(the sword kind, not with yugioh cards)
dartainon has lost the frenchie he wanted to ice
later datrion reveals a love letter wrote by a musketeer to the musketeers homies
then they have racial issues and plan to have a duel an hour after he fights the 1st guy
later he runs over to the duel spot and b4 they duel the other musketeers come in and introduce themselves
at some point he p---ed off the 3rd musketeer
they are impressed by him challenging them all to duels and they swordfight
if this were in modern times it would be a card game on a motorcycle
but I assume in the uncut version they were having a b0ning contest and b0ned eachother
then they get arrested for breaking a law against dueling
so they fight the cops
theyre just clasing blades
are they gonna kill em?
that's a capital offence
1 musketeer keeps poking a cop in the butt
I assume they were b0ning in the real story
then they win and walk off as homies
they sing some theme song as they walk
oh, the chief is his godfather
the musketeers get him a home, slaves and cash
I like how this is fullscreen
they' crop off the top of their hats and theys lower bodies to make it look widescreen if made today
the musketeers abuse their powers to force a guy to give dartamnion a room
theres no internal affairs group to manage these crooked cops
no wonder france went down the toilet after a few decades
then the musketeers force this frenchie into being a servent for dartanon
this movie seems to be pro-slave owners rights
wtf, they share a bed?!
hes gonna b0ne him!!
later the frenchie from the carriage gets secret notes by bird mail
he gives em to a priest
somethings going down with the brits
but the brits are English and the frenchies are French
theyre both bad guys
the priest wants to do something about the brits
I assume hes the closest we get to a good guy in here as hes a good Christian and fights the brits
like mel Gibson
he sets up a cerfew
maybe if america had cerfews we wouldn't have so much drunk driving or drug deals
I went to drunk some milk and then I whizzed
but I don't think I missed much
some chick talks to some dude I don't recognize
the chick returns to her room and theres a musketeer in it
she gives a signal with a candle in the window
wait, I think the musketeer is dartnion
they talk for a bit
she sees someone under te bed but its dartanions servernt
after some chit chat she leaves
daranion then gives the window signal
and a musketeer walks by
the chick was the one he wrote a love letter to previously in the story
they talk and its revaled the musketeer was part of England
theres some talking and fighting and romance thts not as good as Robotech
oh, one woman in the building is the queer of france
this is too confusing and complicated
either that or im not paying attaentuon
the musketeer of part from England looks kinda like that culkin teen from scream 4
they talk about not having a war or having a war or w/e
then the brit musketeer takes the qweenz dimonds back to England and the chicks go back to the france palace
dartanion takes em back and they run into musketeers along the way
they pretend to be drunk
I assume something about b0ning in the real version(I sorta forgot halfway through what I was leading up to xP)
after taking em back to the palace dartanion returns home
wtf, its the same day as the duels
later the carriage frechie gets this guy he had sent to prison for a week(the guy the musketeers blackmailed into giving dartanion a place) to ssere him and spy on daranion
the frencie talks to the priest to get the queens brit plot revealed
later the chick confronts dartanion over outng the queen(its really the frenchie)
dartanion goes off to get the diamonds back
he talks to the chief and gets consent to go on the mission and to work with the musketeers(wait, I thought one of em was the guy from brit?)
they plan their path but the guy who the musketeers blackmailed to giving dartanion a place spies on them
he reports back to the frenchie, who then orders his men after em
afer escaping a lowering gate, one musketeer loses his horse
I assume this is 1 of those thingswhere they get picked off 1 by 1
another stays back to hold off some men
the queen gets a bird mail of England refusing to sign something
wait, its the carriage chick
she covers hr brand with candle wax
I went to make a begel/cream cheese but missed a fight
later dartanion goes to a boat and fakes havig a passport
later he fakes having a fight and claims he beat some deviant to save the carige chivk
he talks with her and they have wine
then she gives him her pssports
he tries to leave yet she suspets something
after some talk she lets him go
she mentions being in danger
she has some item(the diamonds)
then she goes all mental
after some minor posible paths that dont go amywhere, they leave
also, shes keeping the diamonds in her bust(the last place a frenchman would look(english too))
they ride in a carriage and its reealed he faked the fight
turns out the chick is working for the frenchie
dartanion seems afraid of this french woman
they always were the most masculine frenchies
she has datroion  tied up(18+!! TOO HOT FOR TV!)
she mentions her expecting him to b0ne her
i wouldnt b0ne her either
she them goes onto him (18+!! TOO HOT FOR TV!!)
but returns to her seat
i assume she b0ned him in the  real version
i like how the french woman is the bad guy in this
ust like real life
the movies try to make women the good guys in most modern films
a musketeer catches her writing a letter that rrveals her as the bad guy
she kills him or something and runs off
he survives getting beat up by a girl and they go after her
after a 1930s style movie chase, they head em off at the pass and save dartanion
it turns out the chick is the musketeers exwife who iced his bro
she takes out yhe daimods from gher bust anf they find that the frenchie is behind it
she then jumps off a cliff and blows up underwater
now that shes dead, dartanion is free from the AIDS she gave him
they use the good girl who gave the signal to pose as the frenchie chick nd get back into the city
the priest and frenchie expect to have dartanion executed for treason and the queen exiled
then darrtanion fights the fremchie in publi and the queen reveal that the frenchie planned to ice the ing and priest and betray france foir england
bty both are bad guys
dartanion becomes a full musketeer
the end
for the 3 musketeers 2 i'd like for england to attack the rench in an attempt to take them over and the french begin using ancient technology to create airships and turn the tide against england with the musketeers as the lead pilots in the airships. but the tech is cursed and daemons are released and the french are wiped out. but then the Canadian frenchies return to france to work with the daemons in the sequel to take over the earth, and america has to fight them with Holy Weapons and Angel Items for control of the planet!

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