Thursday, February 4, 2016

Planet Of The Apes Review

note; my keyboard I shoddy so expect typoes
planet of the apes
this is my review on planet of the apes(the 60s version)
it starts with the guy who was moses in the 10 commandments in space and telling us its been 700years of earth time since he left on a light speed mussion
his crew only experienced 6 months as some time thing happened
he goes into hypersleep
aw gross
its th widescreen version
the gotta stop ruining movies like that
2/5th of the screen is black bars
then they crash in water on some Arizona planet and awake from hypersleep
and one astronot is shriveled up for some reason
the ship springs a leak and itch the ship
as they leave they find its the 3900s
they say theyre on a planet around a star in orion
so they walk through this Utah/mad mad wasteland and the moses guy is being rough and too hard on the survivors
he also thinks in the universe is something better than man
he dislikes how humans use the earth God gave them
he sounds like one of those commies from PETA
later, the black guy finds a plant
later they find these X's on top of a hill
they assume they are like scarcrows
they go past em and finda waterfall
so they get nude and go swimming
they find footprints and someone swipes their clothes
this is turning into a high school movie
they find a bunch of humanoids who don't talk and look like cavemen
moses's actor says; in 6 months we'll be running this planet
then an alarm goes off and the people freak out
apes on horses ride in with gunsand capture the people
the black guy gets capped
and the moses actor gets shot in the throat(et somehow lives)
the apes can talk and have 1900s/1800s photograph equipment
the apes give him a  transfusion from this chivck
the lady ape talks about the humans being dirty and using them for brain surgery
they treat the humans like we treat beasts
this is like a world where poors rule over the rich
or crooks beat arrest cops
dr zaius looks down on humans
this movie is basically PETA the movie
if dr z was a human sayimg that stuff about apes I'd agree
but he on the reverse
its like if in universal vs Nintendo, universal was shown as the good guy
moses actor is given that chick to breed with
but they aren't married!!
the ladt apes bf is Cornelius who is an archeologist
moses actor tries to write but the other humans wipe it out so they fight
dr z erases the momes guy's remaining writing
hes like those scientists who cover up proof of creationism
moses guy takes the lady apes paper and is beat for it
but writes his name s taylor
hes now taylor Hansen
lady ape has him write all his words out to communicate
CORny doubts on him
they also think flight is impossible
using maps, he shows where he was
also he was in some "forbidden zone"
corny thinks evolution is real
also he questions the "sacred scrolls"
this is attacking faith
dr z comes in and has taylor Hansen taken away
later he wants him lobotomized
he breaks outta jail and runs trough town with various ape twists on human things
after a chase(wow. hes nimble. like ninja gaiden) he goes through a museum and finds the black guy stuffed and mounted
they catch him an hesays his iconic dirty ape line
later his cuddling with the chick(now called nova) and the apes take her to another cage
its a mad house!~ a maaaaaaaaad houuuuuuuse!

then they have a trial like thing and as his rags smell they get him nude
whats with all the nude scenes?
everyone on set mustve seen Charlton hestons hot dog
they say as a non-ape he has no ape rights
dr z wants him dead for going against his ape god
moses actor wants to defend himself but dr z silences him
and dr z goes on a religious tirade to make people of faith look bad
he uses his ape god logic to make taylor hanson look dumb for having never learned of the ape god
talyor swift writes his tory but te apes don't believe it
I know how hard it is being the smartest man in the building
taloyr hanson must wanna tear off teir arms and beat em with em
he tries to get his captured friend from earlier in the film to speak for him
but find him lototomized
d z did it
corny reveals hes been in the forbidden zone and that he found evidence of Protoculture predating he ape scrolls
dr z hates on he ape lady and corny and calles them heratics
they get arrested and are freed on bail
dr z used the moses guy to get ape lady and corny taken down from their studys
dr z also wants him lobotimized
but wants to have him reveal his origin
dr z wants to wipe em out
hes afraid of the threat of the superior man
a chimp comes in and frees taylor swift and nova
its ape ladys nephew
ape lady and corny take him to the forbidden zone to find the archeology site where corny found pre ape Protoculture
its called the forbidden zone for some unexplained reason in the ape scrolls as its assumed to be deadly
at the protoculture site, taylor Hansen shaves
then dr z and his droogs come in
dr z makes creation science look bad
taylor Hansen has dr z agree if they find evidence of things b4 1200 years agoi(the ape scroll date) he'd let corny and lady ape go
in the cave corny says b0nes found 2000 years ago that are more advanced than ones 1300 years ago
among them is a humanoid doll that says mama and is net to a jawbone of a man from that
moses guy finds false teeth, a heart halve and glasses
then theres A MAn vs ape gunfight
moses guy fakes being wounded and traps dr z to get them to back off
he holds dr z hostage for food, ammo and horses
dr z knew all along man was here 1st yet he hid it out of a twisted false religious Protoculture
corny and lady ape remain with dr z and lady ape kisses taylor hanson goodbye
interspecies romance!!
dr z goes on an antiman tirade and claIMS the forbidden zone was once a paRADICE and man made it a desert
dr z blows up the cave and has corny and lady ape arrested
he sez hes dooin I to save the future
later taloyr swift finds the stayue of liberty busted up and starts swearing
he was in new york
no wonder things are all wrong
for planet of the apes 2 I'd like the kids of talyor and nova running an academy that teaches 20th century Protoculture and they have used taylor's spaceman knowledge to make mech warriors and they prepare for a war with the apes as they have used malcontent human traitors to gain the secrets of 20th century tech and make their own mechs but with ape traits

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