Thursday, February 4, 2016

The Seven Samurai Review

note; my keyborn d is bad so theres typoes
seven samurai
this is my review on seven samurai
I was ust playing shinobi 3 on my sega yesterday so its a sign wen this came on
it starts with some bandits almost raiding a villaIGE  but they realize they ust raided it and are gonna return later whn they have more to steal
if this were the 80s they would be a bikr gang
the villiagers argue for a while but then decide to hire some samurai to fight the gang
some of em go out to find some samurai yet don't do so well
meanwhile, in the villaige, a thief takes a kid hostage in a barn
a guy has his head shaved and borrows monk robes in a plan to fix this situation
he pretends to be a monk and offers them rice balls, then kills him when he lets his giard down
wait, I think tis was at another villiage
the recruiters follow him and eventually get him on their side
after hearing their story he says they need 7 samurai to save the villiage
I should note that this film is in proper full screen instead of black bars widescreen
they get another samurai by having a guy sneak attack him and wen he counters they explain they re tenting him
he turns em down at 1st though
the then get another samurai who seems friendly
later, someone stole the recruiters rice offscreen
and they don't have much at home
if this were a brittany spears movie, I'd make a joke about b0ning guys for money
but this movie is good so I suggest
ok I got no suggstions on how to make money besides b0ning guys
they get another samurai while I was typing that thing about b0ning guys(I think)
later they see 2 samurai using wood as swords
gave me flashbacks to my aikido days
they have a duel but they disagree on if its a draw or win
so the draw guy forces the winner to fight with blades
and he is cut down in 1 strike
the winner reminds me of ukyo from samurai shodown as hes calm and dignified
alog the way they get another samurai
the shaved head guy tells his backstory and then another samurai joins
then one recruiter comes in with news of a tough samurai
they do the sneak attack trick but he gets bonked cuz hes drunk
he brings in a scroll of family tree to prove hes samurai
but the one he clais to be on the tree is age 13
although to be fair, in saint seiya the characters are in their teens and look buff
he goes on a drunken rampage
stay away from alcohol kids
I should note this film is set in 87
so its an 80s movie
back at the villige is a girl washing her hair and wearing a skirt with hexagrams
her dad wants her to cut her hair and dress like a man so the samurai don't b0ne her
he chaSES her down with a razor
this is turning into a horror movie
the samurai are headed back to the village but the drunk guy follows them in a montage that includes him hand-fishing in a thong
then the samurai reach the villiage and talk with the elder
then an alarm sounds and they all meet in the middle of town
turns out it was the drunk guy sounding it and he mocks the villiagers
the town takes it well
the drunk guy doesn't have a real name so they use the fake name he used from the scroll
then theystart fortifying the villaige to prepare for the biker gang-I mean bandits
also they start training the villiagers to fight with spears of bamboo
its revealed hat some vigilers hunted down defeated warriors and took their weapons
so they have some protection
latr the cut hair girl drssed as a guy is yelled at by 1 samurai for not oing "his" part
he chaees her down and fights but realized shes a girl
the drnk guy brings the armor and weapons from killed samurai and the real samurai are displeased
the drunk guy gives a speech about how thse "poor" farmers are really weasels and its the samurai's fault for treating them bad or something
its like in violence jack how the men of section A were just as bad as the biker gang of section B
its revealed the druk guy was born a farmer
one guy makes a flag for battle
1 samurai brings the crossdressing girl rice As shes hiding in a thing in the woods
but a guy was watching(wait, I think its her dad)
she gives the rice to a gramma'shs really bummed about being alone and is suicidAL
the drunk guy is displeased about her attitude
the samurai with the girl talks to the guy who saw em about him seeing them
later its 10 days til harvest and they plan to make a moat out of the fields and to have the outlying home owners come into gth villaige for protection
the outlanders want to protect their own homes at the cost of weakening the group, so the shaved head guy comes at em with his sword
they return
he gies a speech againt selfishness
later the shaved head guy catches the druk guy sleeping on his watch and takes his sword
they throw a rock and watch him freak out
then return it and say; if it were bandits, youd be headless right now
later the crossdressing girl and the samurai are in the woods an i think she wants him to b0ne her
but they hear a horse and they see some horses nearby
he reports to the shaed head guy but he knows
later, the girl liking guy sees the drink guy and another samurai and bandits sneaking around and they all kill some bandits
they capture 1and the villigers want to chop him up(and maybe b0ne him dead)
i tink they kill him offscreen(and maybe b0n the pieces)
later they ride horses out after the bandits at their base
at the base they look in on a chick w/o eyebrows and they set fire to the base
when the bandits run out they chop em up
the chick is gonna lave but runs back in
turns out it was one of the guy's wife
oh and 1 samurai dies from getting shot or something
later the biker gang attacks and its revealed they has 3 muskets
they are stopped by the fence the villagers built and come around another way
they are then stopped by the moat and 1 is snipered by am archer
one guy is keeping track of the number of bandits left since this isn't a video game and the sega wont keep track for you
turns out they left an opening in the defences to let the bandits have somewhere to concentrate their attacks on so theyd know where to fight
the bandits brn down the outlying homes and run off
they burned the mill and when he dunk guy goes out to save em, this chick hiding in it dies and gives him her baby
he has viet nam flasbacks to the same thing happening to him as a baby
at night the bandits attack and get hopped up
the girl liking guy is going to use a scarecrow in armor to test for gunfire but sees the crossdressing girl
later they face the bamdits and let 1 in and spear the rest as they run through
this movie has a lot of killing but not much blood/gore
they do this a bit more
they capture 1 guy and kill him offscreen
i assume in the real version they b0ned him dead
later the drunk guy sees some horses but when other pople tak em they get shot
he then takes 1 guys armor(which doesn't fully cover his butt)
using the armor as a disguise, he gets close to the bandits and picks a few off
he also gets a gun
the  anditds attack and some make it in and pick off some villagers with arrows
1 samurai gets picked off
they kill the invaders
another samurai is picked off
the next day will be the final battle
thecrissdressing girl is scared and she b0nes the guy she likes
her dad is looking for her and
by the time her dad finds em, hes b0ned her
so he beats her
the shaved guy stops her and one samurai trys to make it sound not so bad
the next day its raining and its the final battle
if this was a beat em up, they'd be on an elevator going up a mansion
they lure em in and the shaved giy picks em off wth arrows
the villagers gang shank em with spears and the samurai slice em
its a veryu well edited battle
the drunk guy gets capped in the gut but still kills the bandit
he was a true warrior
later, the village is replanting rice
the surviving samurai look at the graves of the fallen(which would be ruined in widescreen as they'd crop out the graves on top or samurai on bottom)
i assum they ate the dead bandits as tey wouldn't bury them as they have no respect for their attackers
the end
for the seven samurai 2 I'd like the kids of the villagers to have forgotten the sacrifice the samurai made for their people and the spirits of the samurai torment them in trippy weird 60s style psychedelic effects and a weird symbolic double meaning metaphors.

No comments:

Post a Comment