Friday, February 5, 2016

The Bodyguard Review

notwe; im like over 30 hours w/op sloop and obne handing this while typing on my sirde. these tyoowex
the budygurd
thid os my review of the bodtguard
ive seen it parodied often in 90s shows and that long holding note scene about her loving him
it starts with basic white letters on black backdrop of names and comopanies
now it would all be cg
then kevin Costner has just caspped a guy
then he sez he knew the guy was bad cuz he was washing a car of the parking level (they were in a parking garage)
this is likwe something axe cop would do
later this black guy with a beard convinces kevis ciotiun to protecht whitney huston
he goes to chech out her place to see if he wants to protect her and gives various names based on 1800s dudes when asked who he is
and as none of these people seem to have any knowledge on basic history, they all let him in
he arrives at a rehersal for a 90s music video and various people look at him which if u have seen it b4, you'll know its fortelling wat they do
her sister is named nikki
like nikki minaj?!
whitmey makes too many demands and doesn't understand the situation so kevibn scutin leaves
but the beard guy shows him whitneys kid who \is smarter than anyone besides the beard guy and kebin crstio
I should note the film has a pale bluetint to it
its like batman returns or something
or the first few searsons of law and ordser
I love the 90s
so they show kevib syuin letters with twisted images from some degenerate
and her bedroom where the degenetare broke in and j-rked off on her bed]
it IS california
that place is like new sodom
ive seen the crow; city of angels
beard guy sez hes gonna tel witny aboyurt the degenertar
meanwhile this creepy guy cuts/pastes letters from mags to send letters to whitny
then kecin sevuit recruits the show-fur(car driver) and remasters the home to be more secure
nikki reveals how she started a band in high school but whitny took it over and became famius
later kevin ciostw has his defence buddies examine the letter
later theres a tense moment where a hummer follows em
after kevin coster chases it, it gets away
later shes being bratty over kevin trying to keep her from being too easy a target
in a cloths shop she talks about being thought of as a b--ch and she became one
kevin costber sez we are who we choose to be or w/e
good message on destiny views of either external or internal shapings
plus it shows the difference in their styles of thought
were this a martial arts thing, they would have opposite kung fu styles
if they do a remake it otta have robin shou from the mortal kombat movies as the new body guard
later whitny goes to this concert or appearance thing and finds a note from the degenerate
she reveals she didn't know about the others but still goes on stage to play some ferngully like song
the show goes south and the fans start trying to tear her apart (maybe to eat her)
kevin scothu saves her and fights his way out of the club
the manager leaves one way but the limo is on the other part of the building and kevin/wehithy get away
after they get back, kevin citb fighrts the agent and beats his a55
also the degenerate was at the club and collected a bit of whitnys outfit(which he saves in a shrine in his locker)
after kevin citbur and whithy go to a violent samurai movie on a date, they talk at some diner about love and have a dance to that "I will always love u" song
not a lot really happens in this film
but its got good pacing and bursts of excitement
kinda like the 1st x men movie
if this was made today (or a sequel) it would have more violence and action and a lot of cgi that looks cr-ppy
later they go to kevin sunres place and she plays with his samurai katana
they shine the reflection of light off the blade in the eyes for effect
after some swordplay they b0ne offscreen and are then shown in bed
the next day kevin deinte regrets b0ning her and sez its against protocol to b0ne her as it makes it harder to protect her
she makes a big stink about not being able to b0ne kevin secting
later its revealed whitney hurstn is gonna win an Oscar
to quote the eternal john wayne
that'll be the day, pilgrim
or in modern slang
my a55!
maybe if she played some mentally defective deviant
usually someone gets the Oscar for playing someone f'd up
I mean sometimes they deserve it(heath ledger as the joker)
but other times they really dont
or if they did act well, theres someone better passed over for the acvtor playing some deviant or disabled historical figure
too bad "ed gein; the musical" didn't get any awards
that one was grand
so later whitny hustimn hosts an aids charity
this is mentioned once in a voice over and the movie cuts to her singing in a room full of fancy dressed people
the events in this film don't matter
its all about the characters
just like citizen cain
kevin citnier meets a guy he knows working on protecting a governer(whos b0ning a teen)
the guy b0nes whitny huiston but she changes her mind and kicks him out
the next day she causes some stress and problems that get to kevin sernt
as hes blowing off steam, he gets into a minor thing with an italiano guy
he beats him up and the guy's Mexican wife saves him
hes thinking of quitting but learns the degenerate called whitny and creeped er out guv;nuh
she sez shes gonna do whatecver he sez
so they go to some snow state where his dad lives
his dad is the dad from the waltons
I guess he was jim bob
later its revealed he wasn't beat as a kid so when he tried football(not candy a55 soccer! this is america! homie!) he was afraid of being hit
then its said he kept doing things that scared him to desensitize him to it.
nowadays kids give in to their fears or dementia or disorders and are taught to live with em
that's why kids today s-ck
they need to toughen up and be more 80s
even 90s kids were bad a55 compared to todays wieners
I blame cellphones that do more than calls
its candied the kids a55es
and shows where the main guys are either losers or jerks
we want heroes
not zeroes
later that night nikki tries to seduce kevin sentur but gets made when he turns her down
the next day nikki sings church songs but then whitny joins in andf over rides her
then kevin sentur notices new footprints in the snow
then the son drives the boat but kevin tackles him in the icewater
after they get to the dock, the boat explodes
howd kevin urntyd know that?
they spend the night in the cabin as the phones been cut and the cars are f'd
then niki tells kevin niur that she put out a hit on whitney Huston out of her being on drugs and malcontent over her being better than nikki
then they find the kilers in the house!
he caps nikki and secter chases him down in the forest
but I think he gets away
then kenvi duesty calls his cop friends and they say they caught the degenerate and hes been with them in another state
later kenun gurst has orange juice with vodka (he's\ been drinking orange jhouce all movie)
he then talks with the kid on fear,
did he let people hit him as a kid to overcome his fear in football?
then its the Oscars like in naked gun 3
ooh I just remembered I was gonna say that nikki being disgruntled over her sister getting fame is like in; what ever happened to baby jane
at the Oscars the friend who tried to b0ne whitney is also thwere and gurding the smarta55 host
when she goes up to do her Oscar reading of the winner of some thing and freaksout
shes too freaked out by it to trust kevin scpot and gets mad at him
then kevin scutter finis friend who tried to b0ne wjtyiy hustun is the hitman and has a camera gun
kevin juster jumps in front of the shots and returns fire to blow a few holes in the hit man
oh and whitney houstin won the oscar
later kevin has an arm sling and the agent has an eye patch
whitney has a new body guard and kevin sucting and whitney hounikin make out at an airport before she sings the "I will aleays love u" song as kenvin buster at a bodyguard gig
a priest says a prayer of the Lord being there for us and protecting us
the end
oh and in the credits it plays; queen of the night
the words sound like drug references
for the bodygrard 2 i'd like robin shou from the 90s mortal kombat movies as the new bodyguard(being kevin Costner after he got skinned in a bodyguarding gone wrong and got a donors skin to now look like liu kang) and hes defending nikki minaj as herself from a really prevreted internet fan who wants to surgically make her butt massive with injecting foam into it) and use her as a butt-slave as he's been fully corrupted by her really explicit videos(and the last one was so explicit that he went over the edge and is fully obsessed by his lust for her). he's practiced on other kidnapped women and working his way up a twisted birthday related code to reach nikki. its also a thriller/horror movie with long creepy scenes of him imagining his degenerate thoughts and fantasies, as well as kevin Costner (robin shou) having to take this job as he blew all his cash on surgery and rehab after being skinned.

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